Something isn't right - emotional affair or just friends?

[FourAndFive]

Name changed for this. It's a bit of a blur, and long, apologies in advance.

I need help and/or a slap to either wake me up to an emotional affair and huge gaslighting from my DH (47), or to help me deal with a shiny new friendship my DH of 24 years has.

He's hidden a friendship from me that has been going on for nearly a year. He has never, ever done this before, and has been a completely open book in all our years together. The last five years have been so good for us emotionally, and our relationship felt solid as far as I was concerned.

He has a hobby that he is obsessed (not lightheartedly obsessed, genuinely obsessed) with, and while doing this hobby he meets people from time to time. He would usually mention these people in passing, and I'm happy he's happy, so all good. About 6-7 weeks ago, he started to mention at funny times how he was meeting 'great people', and 'so many people to chat to' and 'I know so many people now' while he's doing his hobby and I thought yeah, great, but it was out of tone, and quite odd.

Fast forward a week or so, and he keeps name dropping and then tells me that I have to meet someone (single F28), because I'd really like her, and she does the hobby a bit more than he does, and has done it all over the world and how nice she is etc. and so I found myself meeting her for a few hours across two days, alongside some of her family members, who all knew about my DH and the shared hobby and thought how sweet it was... It was so very odd, and I couldn't put my finger on why, and I was so uncomfortable.

To cut a very long story short, it turns out they've been regularly meeting up since late last year, texting multiple times a day, including gifts and planning things around their hobby... I've since seen most of their messages. I have never seen my DH speak to anyone like he speaks to her (except me). He is a man who I know has strong moral boundaries, and keeps a safe distance from other women, doesn't encourage and is completely platonic with all of his female friends - which is clearly no longer the case! There is no 'sex' chat, and he talks about us occasionally (we have 2DC) but it's overly affectionate/mutual appreciation and excitement for finding each other - and I've hated reading them. (I asked him for phone access after all the minimising he was doing, and he said he'd deleted all messages - but he forgot to remove them from his deleted items, so I restored them. I know this is a massive red flag.)

I've told him that I need him to cut all contact with her - but he had serious meltdown (talk of CS), insists it's just friends and that I should trust him. I am finding this impossible, considering the lengths he's taken to hide her until recently. He hasn't done anything to reduce contact, and has even initiated meeting her multiple times, even though I specifically asked him not to. I know they met today for the hobby, and I know they've text each other, because he is telling me - at my request. But I shouldn't worry, because he loves me blah blah. I just want a bit of respite from it so I can get my head around his utterly bizarre behaviour, and consider everything that's happened. It's so unlike him.

I feel sick. The trust isn't there. I feel anxious all the time. I know what I should be doing, but I don't want him to be unhappy at the same time - especially if it is actually platonic. Thoughts please wise MN women! How do I navigate this shit show?

because it likely will, he seems a lot older than her and to be infatuated

OP said He's said she doesn't have many friends, has her own health issues, and he's come to the rescue - so I'm sure there is more to it on her side..., so it looks like White Knight's Damsel-in-Distress comes with a bagful red flags.

DiD is on a pedestal, and reality will kick in.
A few years down the line WK will be saying to his adult DC that he's been a fool.

What hobby takes you round the world? Genuinely interested !
Scuba diving, rock climbing
Some kind of water sport? Boating ?

Live Action Role Play (LARP)?

Loads if you are seriously into them.. all you mentioned.. also dance ( i know someone who’´s holidays revolve around dance) poker ( I imagine) bridge ( saw a group in a hotel abroad) cycling, cookery , music, choir , running events, chess tournaments etc etc

Showjumping/ any equine sport if you're seriously into it

I remember a very long time ago, ten years or more, The Script being mentioned on here. A male acquaintance of mine had started coming out with some of the seemingly common statements, “She’s having some health problems so I’ve been helping her”, followed by “She’s having issues with her boyfriend, I’m just a shoulder to cry on”.
When his wife made it clear she wasn’t prepared to put up with it any longer “She’s such a lovely person, just give her a chance I’m sure you’d become good friends” and “She reminds me of you when you were younger”.

After he’d left the marital home some time later and things hadn’t actually worked out for the star crossed lovers it was “I feel like I’m waking up from a nightmare”.
I pointed out to him he’d been following The Script and he was furious, I mean I didn’t write it, not my fault he was a walking cliche!

LOL!

I’d like to share what happened to my friend. Aged 60 with a 35 year marriage, children, grandchildren and he got a shiny new hobby. There was a woman of 24 there who he found was on ‘his wavelength’ and they started doing the hobby together and the wife was uncomfortable. Marriage counselling took place and he still couldn’t see it. Very similar to your case. They went away to do hobby in fact he lied and said she wasn’t going away that weekend with them. She found condoms (she was 60) and after many gaslit attempts he admitted they were in case something happened.(condoms were unused) She threw him out - he went straight to her, at this point still saying nothing had happened. Two months later they announced an engagement and 6 months later they announced her pregnancy. We are now 10 years on - she is divorced and happily remarried and has all her children and grandchildren around. He lives with his girlfriend and as he walked away from the marital home - he is retired but has to pay spouse support and has no earrings and some pension - two children with her and she has just thrown him out and he is actually living on his ex wife’s annex.

He might be the love of your life and you might love him madly and deeply but he isn’t loving you and putting you first. Whatever happens you will survive.

What an awesome woman. Glad the dh is reaping what he sowed

It's incredibly rough to go from what you thought was a really happy marriage to an EA and separation in less than 2 months. You've been incredibly strong through some really terrible moments. Your vicious friend sounds awesome, I hope you find a lot of support through this.

It's almost shocking hearing how many women this nearly same scenario has happened to.

What does a 24 yo see in a 60 yo?! Grandpa vibes

What is a 28 year old woman doing hanging about with a married with kids 47 year old male. That’s sad of her because she must be enjoying the attention from a married man. What is the hobby also? Is he rich? Like I never understand why younger women go for older men. If he is not rich then she must be really wanting male attention for it to be from a married older man.

who has all this time for a hobby also? You need to have a heart to heart with him and get everything out on the table. What a silly man to be throwing away a marriage potentially. Good luck

...

OP I really feel for you.

Trust your gut instinct. It is always right. Whenever he speaks and you feel that knot in the pit of your stomach .... that is telling you everything.

Right now, you are at the edge of a diving board. Balancing on the edge. You don't know which way to turn as the way forward is scary. And that is OK as an unknown future is scary.

You absolutely know what to do - trust your instinct and go for it. The relief you will feel will lift the weight from your shoulders.

Remind yourself that whatever he says - his feelings are NOT your responsibility. If he is upset, so be it. Let him be upset/angry/whatever. It really is a simple choice - one or the other - her or you. And it should never have got to this stage.

You have choices too. Do what is right for you. Go for it. You have lots of people around to support you.

Best of luck

OP sending you lots of strength. You can do this 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼

I'm actually leaning towards him going through a full on mid life mental health crisis. I think that he is genuinely depressed because it's that time of life where the kids have grown up, parents pass away and you suddenly realise that life is short. Giving him the benefit of the doubt here, it sounds to me like he is pinning everything on his hobby to lift his mood and construct a new purpose for his life. It's as though he is using this new friend to create more excitement and enthusiasm for his hobby in an attempt to elevate it and consequently his mood. Their relationship kind of reminds the of the over top artificial relationships that people quickly form on those dating or friendship shows where you talk to other contestants without seeing them. They form these really quick strong bonds and friendships that are born out of part desperation and part over excitement/optimism. They rarely last because they are based on very shallow foundations ("OMG you have a cat too, like to go to the gym and have a grandfather called Jim!! We are made to be. You are my soulmate!").

I get the impression that he's trying to convince himself that his hobby is amazing and that she is his new found saviour. I think that the fact that she's younger allows him to feel more youthful, whilst simultaneously allows him to claim that she's not a challenge to you. Conversely she is able to see him or present him as just a friend because he's old enough to be her dad. This allows the pair of them to justify their friendship and present it as less threatening, as does her offering to meet you etc.

I actually think that they probably are just friends and caught up in the faux excitement of having got new BFFs. It all seems rather intense, superficial and over the top. They both seem to be using each other to fill a void.

However, it's not normal. It's not normal for any adult o suddenly get a new BFF regardless of age gap or biological sex. The level of intensity would be just as odd if it were another man of similar age. The message that he is sending is that this person is fulfilling a role that you can't and also that his happiness is more important than yours right now.

I really feel as though he is feeling pretty low and desperately trying to throw himself into something new and exciting. I think that he sees this "friendship" as a ticket to happiness and a quick fix, whilst ignoring the fact that he will be far more depressed in the long run if he loses you. I think that it's time for him to have a big reality check, discuss his mood, seek mental health support and then you can work out whether you want to remain with him.

She's 28. She will probably want children. Is that what he wants? To start again with a new family? Lose half his pension. Have to sell up and start again with a mortgage. Ruin his relationship with his children and extended family.

Spell it out. She's going to look a lot less like his soul mate when she's 48, but by then he will be 68 and he will have to hope she sticks around to nurse him in his old age and doesn't do to him what he's doing to you.

@Scentedjasmin

Seriously?

it is funny how a thread is close to a close with majour developments gone and some have not updated themselves

This is exactly what I pointed put to my dh when he had an affair in his forties with a childless woman just turned 30.
I said ten years from now I'll have grown up kids and be sitting on a beach with an equal enjoying life. He'll have had to start from scratch and be changing nappies again lol

Op

1. He kept her secret for a long time
2. He deleted messages between them
3. He threatened to kill himself when you asked him to end the friendship with her, because you are "taking away everything he loves".

Op, sorry but you do need to get your ducks in a row.

Sometimes these young women have daddy issues and not always about sex. My dad ended up with a young woman from work targeting him because he was a kind man. She ended up marrying my brother. She’s made our lives hell.

Hes just enjoying the attention from a younger woman, I doubt at 28 she's remotely interested in him, she'll soon get board of him if it were to go further.

well....for sure? A silly old fool with long white hair here, bought a house with a visibly younger woman. I can see from quite afar he cannot wait to get inside

So many of us have been through this! Far too soon for you to be able to deal with this, OP, but down the line you really will be happier because you are a good person, and that shines through in your posts.
I am having my best life now, exh has his much younger AP (23 years younger) and I remember what someone said to me - you had his younger and fun times and lovely kids, she’ll have his miserable old age… He is struggling to keep up the (sport) hobby now, and is embittered and irritable.
It’s terrible that they throw away what is good for the temporary shiny new, but in my case (and I wouldn’t have believed it when it happened, where you are now) my life is massively better, I have a lovely man (never expected that -it was through my hobby! 😂) who adores me, and I am at peace.

It’s clear he’s made his choice, however I would still go with him for the overnight trip to scupper their plans, and then separate once you’re back. (Also for that 1% of you which is holding on, it’ll be a hell of a lot harder for you to forgive and move on if you know they’ve had this trip alone together)