Something isn't right - emotional affair or just friends?

[FourAndFive]

Name changed for this. It's a bit of a blur, and long, apologies in advance.

I need help and/or a slap to either wake me up to an emotional affair and huge gaslighting from my DH (47), or to help me deal with a shiny new friendship my DH of 24 years has.

He's hidden a friendship from me that has been going on for nearly a year. He has never, ever done this before, and has been a completely open book in all our years together. The last five years have been so good for us emotionally, and our relationship felt solid as far as I was concerned.

He has a hobby that he is obsessed (not lightheartedly obsessed, genuinely obsessed) with, and while doing this hobby he meets people from time to time. He would usually mention these people in passing, and I'm happy he's happy, so all good. About 6-7 weeks ago, he started to mention at funny times how he was meeting 'great people', and 'so many people to chat to' and 'I know so many people now' while he's doing his hobby and I thought yeah, great, but it was out of tone, and quite odd.

Fast forward a week or so, and he keeps name dropping and then tells me that I have to meet someone (single F28), because I'd really like her, and she does the hobby a bit more than he does, and has done it all over the world and how nice she is etc. and so I found myself meeting her for a few hours across two days, alongside some of her family members, who all knew about my DH and the shared hobby and thought how sweet it was... It was so very odd, and I couldn't put my finger on why, and I was so uncomfortable.

To cut a very long story short, it turns out they've been regularly meeting up since late last year, texting multiple times a day, including gifts and planning things around their hobby... I've since seen most of their messages. I have never seen my DH speak to anyone like he speaks to her (except me). He is a man who I know has strong moral boundaries, and keeps a safe distance from other women, doesn't encourage and is completely platonic with all of his female friends - which is clearly no longer the case! There is no 'sex' chat, and he talks about us occasionally (we have 2DC) but it's overly affectionate/mutual appreciation and excitement for finding each other - and I've hated reading them. (I asked him for phone access after all the minimising he was doing, and he said he'd deleted all messages - but he forgot to remove them from his deleted items, so I restored them. I know this is a massive red flag.)

I've told him that I need him to cut all contact with her - but he had serious meltdown (talk of CS), insists it's just friends and that I should trust him. I am finding this impossible, considering the lengths he's taken to hide her until recently. He hasn't done anything to reduce contact, and has even initiated meeting her multiple times, even though I specifically asked him not to. I know they met today for the hobby, and I know they've text each other, because he is telling me - at my request. But I shouldn't worry, because he loves me blah blah. I just want a bit of respite from it so I can get my head around his utterly bizarre behaviour, and consider everything that's happened. It's so unlike him.

I feel sick. The trust isn't there. I feel anxious all the time. I know what I should be doing, but I don't want him to be unhappy at the same time - especially if it is actually platonic. Thoughts please wise MN women! How do I navigate this shit show?

I agreed with the first paragraph but not the bit about contacting the OW. Apologies if that wasn’t clear

Totally agree. It’s desperate. And it won’t change the husbands behaviour and response, so it resolves nothing. I also can’t believe it would be a surprise to the other woman that her relationship with this married man is completely inappropriate.

The only possible benefit would maybe be that it would shock both of them that she means business and has no more shits left to give.

That said, the emotional toll, I would just focus on telling him and getting my life re-evaluated and leave her where she is.

I bet he didn't tell your father that he kept his relationship with this woman a secret for a year and that he deleted the texts between them. Hang onto those two facts when he claims 'friendship'. The excuse of 'protecting you' is nonsense. What he means is that he knew it was inappropriate.

Would you be ok financially if you split?Sometimes men who assume they'll get away with having a sidepiece do so because they think their wives are trapped.

I think there is very little can stop this once it starts, it’s so damaging that even if you managed to stop their ‘friendship’ before it turns physical, you are still hurt. He has still left you out. The whole thing is awful,
I’m sorry x

Some great advice on here but am still so sorry you’re having to deal with this @FourAndFive

Do men really, REALLY spend their first 30yrs growning up. Have ten years in their thirties as reasonably functioning human beings and then hurtle into delusional mid life crises?!

No, they are selfish the whole way through.

Hmm, I’m not sure speaking to OW will do any good. It might delay the inevitable for a bit if you’re lucky, but that’s it. It might just bring them closer together as ‘validates’ what he tells her about his jealous wife because of their “great friendship”- which lo and behold turns into more.
if he is telling her his marriage isn’t what it was and she believes they’re meant to be then you won’t stop their relationship progressing til he crosses line and or leaves you for her.
The best chance is shocking him that he is about to lose everything. If that doesn’t work then sit back with the metaphorical popcorn as with that age gap they won’t last once the shine wears off & reality sits in. You can laugh when he tries to crawl back.
Ducks in a row and I hope you meet someone new & wonderful, better than your DH.

It sounds dreadfully difficult but you seem to be coping well op, long may that continue

I couldn't cope with the insecurity and break in trust he has bought to the marriage.
I support your her or me ultimatum.
So sorry this has happened.

I was just reading about how narcissistic people work on the people around you. It sounds like that is what he was doing with your dad.

The cheek of him.

@FourAndFive you will get there. well done you for starting the process. Glad that your children are 100% behind you and together you will grow. dont let him come crawling back. he has done too much damage to you, your relationship and your children!! let us know how you are doing please.

Me too. It's once again - what's the point? You get to a certain age and are traded in for a younger model it seems.

I agree @ParmaVioletTea , I’d be more likely to tell her she’s welcome to him as I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me!

This post made me emotional, thank you for taking the time to explain from the other side, in a way that makes so much sense and with empathy for your DW. I cannot thank you enough.

There is so much naivety on his part. The majority of which I'm convinced is feigned. Hopefully the earthquake has arrived - he's not with his family because of his stupidity.

Thank you again and I wish you and your family well.

I wholeheartedly agree.

Quite honestly I’d call his bluff in the most horrendous way - ‘d’h you’ve made me feel so let down/unsupported/insignificant in all of this, I feel so low I just don’t know what to do, I understand your suicidal thoughts now, I too feel the same, what will our children do when we’re both gone due to your inconsiderate actions?

I’d like to think this would shock him into realising his actions but I highly doubt it.

My friend's husband of over 20 years (and father of her two teenage kids) has recently left her completely out of the blue for a "fantasy" he has been having an affair with. He has also completely cut her off financially. I know people say there are warning signs, but they truly had such a great marriage that this came as a complete and utter shock.

She's a much stronger woman than me and has managed to completely regroup, file for divorce, move house, find a job and has the full support of her teenage kids.

He, on the other hand, is now in the throes of complete chaos: kids who don't want to speak to him, a young girlfriend with whom he has public fights and breaks up with him every few days, moving around between places, financial difficulties, having to keep up appearances of being young and fun in his 50's to ensure the girlfriend doesn't leave him etc etc. He's been trying to come back home but my friend isn't entertaining the idea. 😂

I don’t think the OP going to the OW and asking her to stop the friendship for the sake of her marriage shows not having shits to give though, I think it looks desperate and would take the OPs dignity away.

That is just stooping to his level. Completely the wrong thing to do.

I'd have told him to not be so bloody ridiculous.

@FourAndFive your husband has been very underhanded in his conversation with your father. Illness notwithstanding, you should consider a conversation with them to explain the truth- your husband’s call may have set off alarm bells for them.

Even though you are not emotionally there yet, I would present to your husband as though you are prepared to end the marriage over his cheating, whether it’s emotional or physical.

Good to hear about the strong best friend. I bet you make an amazing team.

Which clearly hasn’t worked for OP so far though, has it?

The conversation I had with my DH which changed things was me saying

”You have a decision to make - your life with me or your life with her. It’s absolutely your choice to make. But I also have a decision to make; I also have choices. Do what you want but I will be thinking about what I want too”

Suddenly there was the realisation that he couldn’t control everything, least of all my response.

OP, I know you will be feeling completely out of control here but he is even more out of control. You have power. Remember that.

The man is away, without showing remorse? ...well

What makes me angry is that he is going to play the Nice Guy to the bitter end and cast you as the bad guy to protect his ego.

He was faithful.
He just wanted a friend.
You split up the marriage.
It's all your fault.

They fell into eachothers arms after you broke up. It would never have happened otherwise.

So you see, he was the Good Guy all along.

Absolute prick. I hope enjoys navigating a second divorce or the baby years when she wants kids and he doesn't (but may have them anyway to hold onto her). How pitiful.