Is this sexual coercion?

[Peps4646]

In the 20 years I’ve been married, my husband has always had a higher sex drive than me. We have sex 1 or 2 times a week. If I don’t want to do it, he goes in a mood and takes it out on the children or our animals so it’s just easier to do it to keep the peace. We arrived on holiday on Sunday and we had sex in the afternoon. Yesterday (Monday) he said he wanted it again in the afternoon when we all went for a sleep but I fell asleep on my sunbed and told him I wasn’t in the mood. He barely spoke to me when we went out in the evening for dinner. But he also didn’t engage in conversation with our two adult children (20 and 23) or their partners. He has hardly spoken to anyone all day and I know that if I go and have sex with him he will be out of the mood and it will be a better atmosphere all round. My daughter has been asking me what’s wrong with him and asking if his mood is to do with her or her boyfriend. My husband has always behaved like this if he doesn’t get sex. He expects ‘porn star’ sex a couple of times a month and complains if there’s too much vanilla sex. I feel he’s only ever really interested in a conversation with me if it’s about sex. If I try to tell him anything about my work or general life he just nods and then will say something to completely change the subject. He never apologises after a disagreement. I’ve literally cried in front of him and (embarrassing to admit) hit myself in the face out of sheer frustration because if we argue, I know I have to go to him and say I was in the wrong and apologise to make it right between us- he can ignore me for days and days. Recently though, I have been seriously thinking of divorce as I can’t go on like this for the next 20 years. Is the sex stuff coercion? I’ve googled it but not sure if my situation fully relates to this. I’m sat here on the balcony feeling guilty for my children and I’m thinking I’ll just go and have sex with him so we have a nice evening. On the one hand this sounds ridiculous but on the other hand, is it me being selfish on everyone? I just don’t know.

Of course it is, what a vile piece of work he is, please know that is not normal behaviour, get out while you still can

Apologies! I think I’m getting my days mixed up!

Yes, that’s coercion — it’s not just about him sulking, it’s about you feeling you have no real choice without paying a price. Weaponising silence and moods (especially around the kids) to get sex is emotional manipulation, full stop. The fact you’re even considering “just doing it” to keep the peace says a lot about the pressure you’re under. Honestly, this man sounds less like a partner and more like a grumpy toddler.

You sound as though you're looking for an 'official' reason to divorce, op.
You don't . Just do it.

I can pick a few reasons from your post, btw. Not just one.

In fact I'd go further, you are not consenting to sex, you're being bullied and coerced into it, he knows what he is doing and it's tantamount to rape

Sexual coercion is rape and your husband is abusive.

You can read more about sexual coercion here.

I'm sorry OP💐

Aww op this must be ewful for you,
Tell him that the children are asking why he is moody , and tonight at dinner if he doesn't change the mood you will tell all at dinner as to why he is moody, and you're divorcing him when you return, wow op stop this now,what a selfish CT,
What about your needs, your pleasure op, please don't allow him to control you like this,

Call him out

Yes sounds 100% like coercion. I went on a training course recently with work, they said consensual sex has to have the following 2:

1. Clear, informed and voluntary agreement All parties must freely say “yes” without pressure, manipulation, or coercion, and they must understand what they are agreeing to.

2. Capacity to give consent. Each person must be in a mental and physical state where they can make that decision (e.g., not unconscious, extremely intoxicated, or under the legal age of consent).

Tell him to go and have a wank, then tell him you want a divorce. Spend your time with your dc on holiday and start making plans to separate as soon as you're home

I am so sorry you have had to put up with this abuse for 20 years. He is evil in what he expects of you and the fact that he takes it out on your kids and animals. Get out now and get on with your life.

Yes it is a highly abusive relationship

leave him go it and have fun this holiday and then make plans to leave

I was on holiday 5 weeks ago when I told my husband our marriage was over;I couldn’t even wait until we were home.

That’s awful op.
Sexual coercion, and emotional abuse.

I don’t know how you’ve endured that for 20 years.

What’s your financial position? Are you working? Are there any younger dc?

What advice would you give your daughter or best friend if they said the above to you... my counsellor asked me this once and it changed my whole outlook.
Give yourself that advice x

He’s just come outside to me and said ‘I don’t know whether to have a shag or go to the supermarket so I’m guessing I’m going to the supermarket’ - so off he’s gone. God knows what that is all about.

@Peps4646 you've let him have sex you didn't want for years because he's a bastard who takes it out on your DC and pets if you refuse, well your DC are adults with their own lives now so it's time for a big change. He targeted your DC deliberately because he knew that would hurt you most and bring you back into line, think about that Op, he'd hurt his own DC to get more sex, what sort of a man does that? Stop protecting him, he's a disgusting sex pest and he doesn't deserve another minute of your time

Isn’t it obvious? He’s angling for sex. Who cares anyway, it’s time to LTB.

@MemorableTrenchcoat yes you’re right. He’s given me one word answers since yesterday so this lengthier comment has caught me off guard.

Tell him sex is off the agenda for the foreseeable until you decide on whether you want to stay married to him.

When.the children ask what's wrong with him, ask them to direct their questions to him. Tell him you are going yo do this. If yiu don't want sex then don't have it. U gave tried to.keep the peace by giving in. Stop. Put yourself first.

When he comes back tell him he is never having one again and you are divorcing him when you get home. At least you have your children there to protect you. Are you in a villa or in a separate hotel room. I would be worried of what he is capable of doing. Do your children live with you still. You have to protect yourself from this monster.

I’m in a villa. Yes children still live with me.

I think I’ve more or less decided. I feel I can’t live like this for another 20 minutes never mind another 20 years.

Don’t feel pressured to do anything that feels unsafe op. Statistically men are at their most volatile when they believe a relationship is ending. Make your exit plan, and play your cards close until you’re ready.

It’s all very well for posters to say what they would and wouldn’t do, and what you should and shouldn’t say. This is your life. Your safety is the priority.

Yet another piece of shit man.

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you and it's good to see that you're taking control of your life. Please keep yourself, your children and your animals safe from this disgusting pos.