Is this sexual coercion?

[Peps4646]

In the 20 years I’ve been married, my husband has always had a higher sex drive than me. We have sex 1 or 2 times a week. If I don’t want to do it, he goes in a mood and takes it out on the children or our animals so it’s just easier to do it to keep the peace. We arrived on holiday on Sunday and we had sex in the afternoon. Yesterday (Monday) he said he wanted it again in the afternoon when we all went for a sleep but I fell asleep on my sunbed and told him I wasn’t in the mood. He barely spoke to me when we went out in the evening for dinner. But he also didn’t engage in conversation with our two adult children (20 and 23) or their partners. He has hardly spoken to anyone all day and I know that if I go and have sex with him he will be out of the mood and it will be a better atmosphere all round. My daughter has been asking me what’s wrong with him and asking if his mood is to do with her or her boyfriend. My husband has always behaved like this if he doesn’t get sex. He expects ‘porn star’ sex a couple of times a month and complains if there’s too much vanilla sex. I feel he’s only ever really interested in a conversation with me if it’s about sex. If I try to tell him anything about my work or general life he just nods and then will say something to completely change the subject. He never apologises after a disagreement. I’ve literally cried in front of him and (embarrassing to admit) hit myself in the face out of sheer frustration because if we argue, I know I have to go to him and say I was in the wrong and apologise to make it right between us- he can ignore me for days and days. Recently though, I have been seriously thinking of divorce as I can’t go on like this for the next 20 years. Is the sex stuff coercion? I’ve googled it but not sure if my situation fully relates to this. I’m sat here on the balcony feeling guilty for my children and I’m thinking I’ll just go and have sex with him so we have a nice evening. On the one hand this sounds ridiculous but on the other hand, is it me being selfish on everyone? I just don’t know.

That's good to hear. They can support you as they are older.

If I don’t want to do it, he goes in a mood and takes it out on the children or our animals so it’s just easier to do it to keep the peace.

Divorce. It's your only option.

I'm never sure why women marry men like this. He sounds awful.

"My husband has always behaved like this if he doesn’t get sex. He expects ‘porn star’ sex a couple of times a month and complains if there’s too much vanilla sex. I feel he’s only ever really interested in a conversation with me if it’s about sex."

I would work on your self esteem & respect and seriously consider getting divorced. Your children are grown up and you deserve the rest of your life to be a happy one.

Christ op, this is just awful to read. You really do need to get away from this utterly revolting “man”. I am so sorry you find yourself here, but now is the time to make the changes you need to.

You know what I would do if I had the cash? Book a hotel for you and the children, enjoy the rest of your holiday and see a solicitor when I got home. Protect yourself OP because he's not used to being turned down.

@Charlize43 i honestly ask myself this question all the time. I got pregnant quite early on in the relationship and I don’t know, I just wanted it to work. the red flags were there but I think I was very insecure back then and even then he made me feel I was in the wrong. But you know the worst thing? And I’m so embarrassed to admit this, I woke up on the morning of my wedding and thought ‘what the hell are you doing?’

@Peps4646@Peps4646@Peps4646

Am so sorry you've been abused for so long....

As others have said.. Abusers get more risky when they realise their partners are getting their ducks in a row to leave.

If you can stand it and have private confidential space for a couple of hours while you're away, I'd ring women's aid - they are massively helpful about working out the steps you need to do to a) leave b) protect yourself. Needless to say be very careful where you write any notes etc.

Personally I'd wait til you're back in UK to tell him when you have the correct agencies around you to help.

I've worked with people where the police have arranged to escort the bloke off premises to keep the women as safe as possible. The courts can also help.

Just another one adding to the chorus of "Leave The Bastard"

What a horrible horrible man. Your life will be so much happier without him.

Call womens aid as soon as you get back to UK. Read out what you have written here. Please, they will help.

Absolutely vile of him. And pathetic. If someone wants sex they should have the nous to try and make the person they want it with feel happy, confident and turned on.

Not just basically say 'give me a blowie/PIV/anal right now or I'm not speaking to you or anyone else ad infinitum and will act like a spoilt three year old who's lost his teddy'. Idiot.

Honestly you should leave. You deserve so much better. Sex shouldn't be a chore or a bargaining tool.

Tell him no from now on and that you're considering divorce. That you're sick of him not caring about your desires or wishes.

You're not a sex doll. I bet he's not even that good in bed.

Yet another selfish blighter who has yet to to work out that what his conduct is actually begging for is the end of the marriage! In your shoes, I'd be giving him what he is so clearly asking for.

How manipulative. Does he really think you're going to say 'let's have sex'? He's making it less likely, not more, which is presumably what he wants.

Gosh he is horrible.
Sorry OP I feel really, really sad for you.
I couldnt imagine what this has done to your self worth.
I have been with my DH for 20 years also and if he wants sex and I don't then he just says OK and we usually have a little joke and laugh about how we are never aligned with our timings.
I feelnso bad for you :(

Absolutely disgusting! How have you put up with it for so long? Get out now!

This is so horrible to read. I'm so sorry you've had this happen. Like other posters have said, this is not normal behaviour. Most decent men are only interested in having mutually consensual sex and don't treat their partners like shit if they don't 'put out'. I don't think my dh would even be able to get turned on unless he knew I was willing and able, my consent and pleasure is a priority.

Please don't have sex to placate him on this holiday. Just go about your holiday with your children and partners and ignore him - or better still just leave him behind. When you get back, I think you should seriously consider leaving your marriage. You deserve so much more.

He sounds like a proper bully. Have you got much of the holiday left?

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry. You’re being abused. Sending hugs. Please look after yourself more.

Thank you everyone for these comment's. I’m crying reading them because I honestly expected some people to tell me to just get on with it as it’s my ‘wifely duty’. I can’t find one single comment like this. I’m realising I’ve been very stupid to stay in this marriage but even now I’m still thinking to just grit my teeth and get on with it for the sake of the family. I realise im pathetic and I know you guys will tell me I’m not but I really feel stupid and pathetic. I’m so embarrassed.

3 days

Look no one wants to have sex with a sulky man. Divorce is no fault now so you dont need a reason to list. Get it done and live a happy life

'Wifely duty' was a thing in the 1950s, OP, but nolonger. Please think of yourself and cast off such outdated notions.

I can’t believe the people describing this arsehole as ‘grumpy’ or ‘sulky’. He’s neither. He’s an abusive, coercively controlling, sex pest piece of shit.

OP, embarrassment and shame are two of the most common and immediate emotions when the scales fall from your eyes and you honestly see who you’re living with and what he’s turned you into. This is just the first step to freedom. Eventually you’ll move beyond shame and find your anger, which is much more helpful in terms of motivation to get yourself out.

Google the Freedom Programme x

Don't be embarrassed

So many women get into abusive relationships. Were pretty much groomed into them. Sexual coercion is very common. Sounds like he's a classic coercive controller. The book 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft is fantastic. It should be prescribed to all women and girls.

Your children are adults now with their own partners.
I'd be truthful with the why their father is always moody...
I'd call him out.. when you're all sat round at dinner tonight... id look him in the face and say " So John are you going to tell everyone why you're a moody bastsard and have been for the last 20 years ... then you've told them I've got something to share ".. then drop the bombshell... l am not putting up with your sexual demands and behaviour anymore... I'm divorcing you'

Piece of shit

Blackmailing you to have sex as he knows you won't dare say to anyone why he's being an arsehole. Thinks if he keeps going you will give in to 'clear the atmosphere'. What a nasty prick.

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you and using the situation to manipulate even more.