Is this sexual coercion?

[Peps4646]

In the 20 years I’ve been married, my husband has always had a higher sex drive than me. We have sex 1 or 2 times a week. If I don’t want to do it, he goes in a mood and takes it out on the children or our animals so it’s just easier to do it to keep the peace. We arrived on holiday on Sunday and we had sex in the afternoon. Yesterday (Monday) he said he wanted it again in the afternoon when we all went for a sleep but I fell asleep on my sunbed and told him I wasn’t in the mood. He barely spoke to me when we went out in the evening for dinner. But he also didn’t engage in conversation with our two adult children (20 and 23) or their partners. He has hardly spoken to anyone all day and I know that if I go and have sex with him he will be out of the mood and it will be a better atmosphere all round. My daughter has been asking me what’s wrong with him and asking if his mood is to do with her or her boyfriend. My husband has always behaved like this if he doesn’t get sex. He expects ‘porn star’ sex a couple of times a month and complains if there’s too much vanilla sex. I feel he’s only ever really interested in a conversation with me if it’s about sex. If I try to tell him anything about my work or general life he just nods and then will say something to completely change the subject. He never apologises after a disagreement. I’ve literally cried in front of him and (embarrassing to admit) hit myself in the face out of sheer frustration because if we argue, I know I have to go to him and say I was in the wrong and apologise to make it right between us- he can ignore me for days and days. Recently though, I have been seriously thinking of divorce as I can’t go on like this for the next 20 years. Is the sex stuff coercion? I’ve googled it but not sure if my situation fully relates to this. I’m sat here on the balcony feeling guilty for my children and I’m thinking I’ll just go and have sex with him so we have a nice evening. On the one hand this sounds ridiculous but on the other hand, is it me being selfish on everyone? I just don’t know.

No, dear, just a grandma who enjoyed her husband and desired him.

Thanks for the support. Weird comment from that bloke.

If he was my husband he'd be dumped. The minute I got back off holiday. Get rid of this revolting man and be free.

Good for you. My experience has been very different, very confusing and very upsetting but yes, there’s still part of me that thinks I should shut up and put up so thanks for reinforcing that.

Don't be embarressed, you are not stupid. Many of us have been in relationships at one point where things were definitely not ok and we stayed for various reasons. You have been putting everyone else first and now finally you took the first step for yourself.
Good luck op, it might take a while for you to build up the strength for the next step. But you did it, you reached out to us and faced it, and that is the hardest part

Thank you. I appreciate your lovely words but I still feel horrible.

Just divorce the man. Job done. And nobody even would know about it. Why stay with him since you clearly can't stand each other with your so called husband. Good luck !!

Op I literally gasped in genuine horror at your first post. It’s truly horrible. Heartbreakingly horrible.

I will steel myself to read your other posts.

yes, it is sexually coercive. It’s worse than that in fact.

I'm so sorry you and kids are going though this. (They know, you know that right?)

Hi op, I was in a relationship with some coercion like this too. Silent treatment and strops when he didn't get what he wanted, he also on multiple occasions did things to me while I was asleep which yes, I now know is classed as rare.

We were together 16 years although the last couple were just going through the motions tbh because I knew by then it was over

Anyway, I got my ducks in a row and this year I left him. Best move ever. Do it. You won't regret it.

I agree with all of this. OP, he is a nightmare, and he will never change. Do for godsake get away from him.

I don’t think it’s wise or appropriate to tell children that their father is sexually coercing their mother .

How have you put up with this for so long op? What a vile man.

OP, you’re not stupid or pathetic. You’ve been beaten down by this vile bully for over 20 years, no wonder you’ve lost self-confidence.

When you leave him, life may be a bit chaotic for a time while things settle down. But you will finally be able to start healing. And life will be so much happier.

What a vile horrible man. And yes it is sexual coercion.

WTF is porn star sex? Sorry am I thick or naive ?.

edited to say to OP my question is not disrespectful of you, your ‘D’ H sounds like a controlling areshole

It'll actually work in your favour to have his vitriol and moodiness witnessed by your DC and their partners.

Very true!

Op I’ve left a horrible man like this after 15 years married and it feels wonderful. You’ll have enough money to get yourself a little house that you never need to let him into and you can make it a wonderful safe haven. I too stood at the alter asking myself wtf? I’m a healed version of her now and will make sure I don’t waste a single minute. I have such a nice life now. He’s still awful 😏 but not my problem any more!

🤢 that’s no excuse for minimising the clear and horrifying abuse this man is dishing out to his wife, children and animals. Disgraceful.

Don't feel horrible @Peps4646 , you've put up with his nasty ways for too long and it's ground you down. No doubt part of the reason you stayed was for your DC but I'm sure they'd be aghast to think you'd tolerated your DH for them. Time to put you first

Dear @Peps4646 i know it’s not a simple as leave the bastard right now as things are so enmeshed and complicated.

However by starting this thread you are taking this first step and you are stronger than you believe.

I think when you get home start taking steps so you can free yourself of your husband. It’s more difficult as you have adult dc living at home however do speak to Women’s Aid. Abuse coming in many forms so don’t think you have to have a black eye or visible bruises to seek help.

Don’t feel pressure from posters to take immediate action if you do not feel ready or safe. But take small steps. Sending you much love and a hand hold x

Tell your daughter the truth, gently. Say ‘I know this is hard to hear but it’s not you darling, if I’m not intimate with your Dad then this is how he treats me /us’ she will be horrified for you because today’s women understand much better than we ever did.

And then leave him, I don’t think you should have to be the one that gets blamed by the children, it’s not so horrific that she will be scarred for life but it’s enough of an insight that she will understand your need to leave and support you.

You deserve better than this, it is sexual coercion and absolutely disgusting.

Imagine it’s the over the top moaning when she’s not actually enjoying it and anything else he fancies that you see in porn when actually most of us after 25+ years would maybe not be quite as enthusiastic. If you enjoy a healthy sex life you probably do some of the stuff she’s referring to because you want to but imagine the man pressured you / coerced you into it for 25+ years then I doubt you would want to ride him and moan and suck his cock like Blackpool rock etc.

Honestly, this is my dream. I live in a big detached house in a lovely area but I don’t care about giving it all up to live somewhere to call my own and to live in peace.

Do it. Imagine a life of peace, it's priceless. Block out all his shite and focus on you and your future. Imagine what a typical day would be like after a restful night. Eat what you want, go where you want. Buy what you want. The list is endless.

Sorry, late to the show but wanted to add my two penny worth.

My recent ex partner of 15 years was the same. Vile, disgusting, coercive and felt he was 'entitled' to use me as an inflatable for his pleasure.
Things reached a head a few months back and I went to the police, absolutely distraught at his behaviour towards me and not knowing where else to go.
They arrested him and put him on a restraining order.

Still sorting the legal matters (very slowly as he is trying to maintain control over that), but I have done a lot of self care/educating myself/therapy and it has been such hard work - but I am getting there.

I no longer have him pawing at me, making me feel guilty or that there is something wrong with me, calling me frigid, ignoring me, belittling me and so much more. I have a peaceful life now that he is not in it. I also realised that he was abusing me, but it took stepping away from him to fully see that.

He is behaving the same as my ex. He is an abusive man. I am willing to bet that this is not the only area of your life together in which he is vile towards you.

Get some support - can you speak to your daughter, a close friend? Can you afford to engage a therapist that deals with domestic abuse (as this is what this is!) and also speak to a solicitor.

I would play your cards very close to your chest until you have everything lined up to leave him. Never underestimate people like this. Oh he wont try and take the house - yes he will. He wont empty the bank accounts - yes he will. He wont turn people against me - yes he will.

I am so sorry that you are with someone like this. Disgusting, disrespectful, hideous, abusive man-child.