Is this sexual coercion?

[Peps4646]

In the 20 years I’ve been married, my husband has always had a higher sex drive than me. We have sex 1 or 2 times a week. If I don’t want to do it, he goes in a mood and takes it out on the children or our animals so it’s just easier to do it to keep the peace. We arrived on holiday on Sunday and we had sex in the afternoon. Yesterday (Monday) he said he wanted it again in the afternoon when we all went for a sleep but I fell asleep on my sunbed and told him I wasn’t in the mood. He barely spoke to me when we went out in the evening for dinner. But he also didn’t engage in conversation with our two adult children (20 and 23) or their partners. He has hardly spoken to anyone all day and I know that if I go and have sex with him he will be out of the mood and it will be a better atmosphere all round. My daughter has been asking me what’s wrong with him and asking if his mood is to do with her or her boyfriend. My husband has always behaved like this if he doesn’t get sex. He expects ‘porn star’ sex a couple of times a month and complains if there’s too much vanilla sex. I feel he’s only ever really interested in a conversation with me if it’s about sex. If I try to tell him anything about my work or general life he just nods and then will say something to completely change the subject. He never apologises after a disagreement. I’ve literally cried in front of him and (embarrassing to admit) hit myself in the face out of sheer frustration because if we argue, I know I have to go to him and say I was in the wrong and apologise to make it right between us- he can ignore me for days and days. Recently though, I have been seriously thinking of divorce as I can’t go on like this for the next 20 years. Is the sex stuff coercion? I’ve googled it but not sure if my situation fully relates to this. I’m sat here on the balcony feeling guilty for my children and I’m thinking I’ll just go and have sex with him so we have a nice evening. On the one hand this sounds ridiculous but on the other hand, is it me being selfish on everyone? I just don’t know.

@Peps4646 i suspect it goes even deeper that everything revolves around him and you never get peace with emotional abuse as well

now your children are older what is stopping you

Yes it is. And emotional abuse.

I think you need to leave, you simply can't carry your life on like that.

As a happily married man, I sometimes react a bit to the strength of distain for men on mumsnet. Then I read stuff like this, and realize I just haven't lived a woman's experience. Horrific entitlement and comodifying of a woman's body.

You are NOT stupid or pathetic. Unfortunately you have been abused for many years.

I don’t think her daughter needs to know the ins and outs of her parents sex life. It’s enough to say she doesn’t love him anymore and he’s not treating her well.

It's not the ins and outs of her sex life, it's abuse.

Disagree. Child is an adult now, it’s abuse and could lead to a conviction (not that it’s worth it IMO) and I don’t think your child believing you walked away from a marriage is fair when you’re being abused (illegally). It’s a good example to set to walk away from abuse. We can disagree, it’s okay to disagree.

Thank you for this. Honestly, having sex to keep the peace felt a worthwhile price to pay rather than endure the silent treatment and the moods. Even now as I sit here on day 3 or 4 (lost count) of being ignored and making the atmosphere uncomfortable, I am still contemplating going to the bedroom and texting him to join me so the atmosphere changes but then I know I can’t keep doing this as it’s destroying me.

I am still contemplating going to the bedroom and texting him to join me so the atmosphere changes but then I know I can’t keep doing this as it’s destroying
Please please don't do this. Stay strong you will get through this. He is doing this deliberately as he knows you have always given in to him in the past. Show him you will never give in to him again.

I'm clenching my teeth just thinking about you today OP.

No holidays with him ever again. You can do this. x

Oh op please don't doubt this, yes of course your doing it to stop the ewful atmosphere he is coursing but he knows this too, please don't give in now, 3/4 days of this op,
Holiday is nearly over, go to him, of course he won't want to talk until he has sex, so go and tell him, hay divvy, enough is enough, your never getting sex again, when we return home that's it were divorcing, selling up the house because I have had enough, do it op, and don't wait for a reaction or reply shut the door behind, go and get a drink and sit around the pool and sod him,
You have done so well op, please don't ruin it now, be proud, see you are strong and you will get angry bring it on op,
Bloody well done for getting this far, honestly let the sulking man child sulk
Big hugs to you op 🤗

Stay strong, OP. You are an adult woman with a right to make your own choices, and that can start right now. The indoctrination you’ve endured over years and years of coercion and punishment means that asserting your own boundaries will feel immensely uncomfortable.

It’s mentally and emotionally easier to revert to the usual pattern of appeasement and relieve the tension he’s making you feel. But just stay with it. Feel the discomfort and acknowledge it, but then flip it - the whole situation is his fault and it’s his choice to prolong it. Let him. You are under zero obligation to solve the problem he’s created by pandering to his demands.

You’ve done your time selling your soul and ‘putting up and shutting up’ just to keep the peace. Your kids are grown and flown - you don’t have to live out the rest of you one short and precious life like this.

Push on through the rest of the holiday and stick to your guns. If he’s still giving you the silent treatment by the time you get home, all the better. If you’re left to your own devices you’ll have a lot more time and space to get important documents together and make the appointments you need for advice.

The little house - the sanctuary - you have in your head is not a fantasy. You can make it happen. Cling tight to the lovely thought that you’ve already duty-fucked this horrific man for the very last time and he doesn’t even know it.

@EnjoythemoneyJane thank you for this. That last paragraph actually made me laugh out loud! I needed that!

I grew up in a family where my father weaponised silence and withdrawal of affection if my mother (and me) didn’t do what he wanted all the time.

My ex did the same and because I hated the toxic atmosphere growing up, I would have sex with him so that he didn’t take his moods out on me and the children. (He treated me like a wank sock, there was no love or affection shown to me at any point in our day to day lives)

I kicked him out last year as I turned 40 and realised that I could face another 30 odd years putting up with him. He was obviously incredulous when I told him it was over, and blurted out “But we just had sex last Friday” and I remember snarling “ Yes, because I HAD to or you’d make my life even more fucking miserable!”

We’d been together since I was 16 but I’m absolutely thriving on my own. I divorced him, bought him out of the family home, my house is peaceful, my kids are still young and I’m so much happier and less stressed with them.

Looking back I can’t believe I put up with what he did to me for so long.

Leave.

It's why many of us myself included hate men. Intimacy isn't a right and no woman should be bullied into giving it. If I have to be bullied into it my partner may as well be sleeping with a stone as my brain has logged out. I need love and caring to give myself to a man.

Exactly! This is part of the problem. Some women still don’t know it’s abuse and actually illegal albeit very difficult to convict / prove. I’m glad the younger generations are being taught about coercion and I think that the daughter in particular will one day see that her Mum left a long marriage (if she decides to do so) and if she is ever in that position herself will think ‘My Mum did it after 20+ years and I am not going to be mistreated, if she can do it, so can I’ and find strength in that. It’s not Mum’s job to hide abuse.

This feeling of wanting to make the horrible atmosphere disappear is a response to how you have been conditioned. It’s part of your pattern that you have become accustomed to. Changing patterns involves having to ride out that uncomfortable feelings you are experiencing (you’re probably experiencing this as a physical feeling as well: stomach churning, heart racing , feeling faint etc). If you give in to this feeling, you will return to everything being okay again until the next time when this cycle will be repeated again … this is the cycle of abuse . Trying to break out of this and change it is hard work hence the horrible feelings .

You will benefit from talking this through therapy , possibly accessing the freedom programme or reading something like ‘why does he do that’.

the more you try to understand why you feel what you do, the better equipped you’ll be in protecting yourself .

He sounds like a rapist! Normal men want enthusiastic consent otherwise what’s the point!

Good luck OP, a life free of him will be priceless

@Peps4646 how is it going? Thinking of you, I hope once you get home you get some space and time to start making a plan. Do you work and are you financially independent?

Of course its coercive and abusive. As others often say, get your ducks in a row and keep strong. Acknowledge your feelings about just wanting to give in but don't act on them. Virtual hug.

He knows that you don't enjoy sex with him, but he goes ahead and does it anyway when you give in to stop him taking his anger and frustration out on your children.

He is an utterly disgusting man. Don't grit your teeth and get on with it 'for the sake of the family'. You need to split up with him 'for the sake of your family'. He has always been unkind to his own children because their mum doesn't want 'porn star' sex with him whenever he wants? This is coercive control which is a crime. Get away from him and let your children have the happy mum that they deserve.

Yuck! Not a word about him taking his frustrations out on his own children to punish his wife? Basically telling OP that she is to blame for not desiring her husband when his behavour would kill anyone's love stone dead. Do you pass your regressive views about relationships and consent on to your children and grandchildren?

OP, I hope you've been ok and kept your resolve has remained intact.

I want to tell you that you do not deserve to suffer your abusive husband a moment longer. You CAN and should leave and then divorce him. You will be ok, I promise. He should never have access to your body ever again.

I'm a Family Law practitioner and I've supported many wonderful, special and truly strong women on their journey to self worth, independence and peace - it's been an honour every single time. They've each doubted themselves but then come through the other side, like phoenix's.

Please know, everything you have detailed is abuse. Sexual, mental, emotional and psychological. He has controlled and coerced you. Your children are adults, you've more than done your bit.

Leave him.
Find you and live a long, colourful, energised and peaceful life. Please.

It's why many of us myself included hate men. Intimacy isn't a right and no woman should be bullied into giving it. If I have to be bullied into it my partner may as well be sleeping with a stone as my brain has logged out. I need love and caring to give myself to a man. So far I've never received it.