Is this sexual coercion?

[Peps4646]

In the 20 years I’ve been married, my husband has always had a higher sex drive than me. We have sex 1 or 2 times a week. If I don’t want to do it, he goes in a mood and takes it out on the children or our animals so it’s just easier to do it to keep the peace. We arrived on holiday on Sunday and we had sex in the afternoon. Yesterday (Monday) he said he wanted it again in the afternoon when we all went for a sleep but I fell asleep on my sunbed and told him I wasn’t in the mood. He barely spoke to me when we went out in the evening for dinner. But he also didn’t engage in conversation with our two adult children (20 and 23) or their partners. He has hardly spoken to anyone all day and I know that if I go and have sex with him he will be out of the mood and it will be a better atmosphere all round. My daughter has been asking me what’s wrong with him and asking if his mood is to do with her or her boyfriend. My husband has always behaved like this if he doesn’t get sex. He expects ‘porn star’ sex a couple of times a month and complains if there’s too much vanilla sex. I feel he’s only ever really interested in a conversation with me if it’s about sex. If I try to tell him anything about my work or general life he just nods and then will say something to completely change the subject. He never apologises after a disagreement. I’ve literally cried in front of him and (embarrassing to admit) hit myself in the face out of sheer frustration because if we argue, I know I have to go to him and say I was in the wrong and apologise to make it right between us- he can ignore me for days and days. Recently though, I have been seriously thinking of divorce as I can’t go on like this for the next 20 years. Is the sex stuff coercion? I’ve googled it but not sure if my situation fully relates to this. I’m sat here on the balcony feeling guilty for my children and I’m thinking I’ll just go and have sex with him so we have a nice evening. On the one hand this sounds ridiculous but on the other hand, is it me being selfish on everyone? I just don’t know.

Yep. Say he's always moody if he doesn't get his oats on demand and I'm done with it.

Thanks! 👍

Suggest you arrange to see a solicitor ASAP when you get home. Yes, you can do your own no fault divorce, but let's be honest here, if he's been controlling you for 20 years, he won't think twice to screw you over the finances.

No pun intended.

If you're in / near Essex, I have the details of an excellent solicitor. Although, these days, geography doesn't necessarily matter.

You can’t put up with that any longer you must be constantly walking on egg shells that sound truly awful and hurting you by being mean to the kids and pets just shows what a vile man he is.
imagine your life without him in it, where you can go home and close your door without him ever pestering you for sex that you don’t want, life will feel peaceful, I’d ask him to leave when you get back and set the ball in motion, trust me in a few months you’ll be wishing you’d done it years ago, sounds horrible for you.

And your not pathetic or stupid your none of those, you’ve done it to protect your kids that is what we women do whilst putting up with the behaviour of some horrible men, please put yourself first now , your kids will understand as they are older now.

Anyone who takes it out on innocent people or animals because they can’t have sex at the click of their fingers is an absolute monster.
Why are you even still with him? He thinks of you as a piece of meat, nothing more.

This. He sounds vile but turn it around. Go with your DD and others, have a great holiday and kick him to the kerb when you get home

Don't let him spoil yours and everyone else's holiday in the meantime

Bless you. I have walked this path. Although I have never had another relationship I have achieved things I would never have if he hadn't finally left for another woman (who I am grateful to even though she was the OW).

Go and live your life on your terms. Don't give him a single day more.

You aren't pathetic. I think in a lot of marriages one partner can become ' institutionalised' and things just seem normal. I don't mean always bad marriages either.Sometimes one partner just goes along with things to keep the peace.
Imagine if your daughter's relationship was like this. What would you say to her?

You've realised now. Good luck x

...I read your post with such sadness. I had to re-read some segments to ensure I wasn't just imagining what I had read. OP, please read your post again. If a friend or family member said these things to you about their partner, surely you would recognise that this treatment from your partner is abusive and so psychologically destructive. The fact he extends this behaviour to how he treats his children is atrocious. You say you have been with this person for over 20 years...has it always been like this? Please reflect and reconsider your options OP. You deserve and can do so much better. Your children are grown now...Please take care.

This ☝️
He needs bringing down a peg or two,
Op just thinking you'll never feel that pressure foe see ever again,

And for the supermarket stunt, I hope that took him longer the t@@t,
His behaviour is shocking to say the least but he knows what he's doing and making you feel, bad, guilty, but don't you dare op, you deserve a man who enjoys you wants you and wants to please you,
Go girl get your strength 💪 and remember smile and wave 😄

If this sulky behaviour is relatively normal, I dont think your children will be surprised anyway. I'm surprised neither of them have asked why you put up with it, even without knowing the full extent of it!

How really sad and to have had this abuse for over twenty years, your daughter is old enough to be told when she asked you, you’ll need all the strength and support you can get, from family and outside agencies.
Wishing you all the very best.

I would love to find the strength and courage to do this!! Ha!

I know I will probably get shot down for this, but have you thought about couples therapy? I was in an abusive relationship and my partner at the time didn’t even realise he was being abusive, it wasn’t until couples therapy that he realised his behaviour was affecting me (eg being grumpy when house was a mess and taking his anger out on me about it) he was completely unaware and ignorant to the way in which it affected me. We had an amazing counsellor who gently explored both our feelings about certain situations - it saved our relationship. It’s an option.

In the 20 years I’ve been married, my husband has always had a higher sex drive than me. We have sex 1 or 2 times a week. If I don’t want to do it, he goes in a mood and takes it out on the children or our animals

Got to this point and had an answer for you.

Yes, this despicable man is coercing you into sex.

Ffs, what an absolute bastard

Ummm, for what 🤔

Stop it.

This man takes his anger out on animals when his penis is sad.
Come on. He knows what the hell he's doing.

He isn't mentioning it in conversation to his kids, is he? ' I'm in a mood because your mum won't put out'. Of course he isn't because he knows it's wrong.

This is awful. OP I wish you strength to get through this holiday and the courage to leave this horrible man. I feel for your DC wondering if they or their partner has upset your dad, but really it’s because you didn’t want sex that day. He is awful, please don’t waste another day of your life with this man.

I just want to say,

Your husband sounds vile.

I also think you should be honest with your adult children, they will be horrified you are being treated this way.

Abuse, coercion. Please research divorce. If the kids want to carry on living with you, would you be able to afford somewhere for all of you? They are adults: are they completely unaware of the reasons for his horrible behaviour? Is there much equity in the house?

Most decent therapists will not work with a couple where one is abusive. My DSis was married to a man who sounds similar to the OP’s: he used to keep a sex/BJ diary, track her periods to avoid pregnancy, and (obviously) complain if there was an insufficient number of entries while brandishing the “proof”. They could not even engage a therapist because once she disclosed the coercion, they balked. Rightly.

Oh you will op, just give it time, do you look at him and think 🤢
Your on holiday sharing a villa with grown ups so that's more stressful, we mums definitely don't want sex under those circumstances do we, at the same time protecting them from grumpy dad, and trying to crack on having a nice holiday,

Some home truths when your home op to daughters too, they will understand,

Be kind to yourself and if you don't want sex that's OK, or so it should be, not guilt tripping you and being all moody till he gets his own way ,

Is that how you want to live until you die?

uh huh…no way

I haven’t ever told anyone. Everyone thinks we have a great marriage. My daughter suspects things. He’s been horrible to her in the past but she takes no shit now from him. And yes, I know it’s despicable that I let this happen. I know. There’s about 300k equity in the house but he has an offshore account with about 100k in it.