Is this sexual coercion?

[Peps4646]

In the 20 years I’ve been married, my husband has always had a higher sex drive than me. We have sex 1 or 2 times a week. If I don’t want to do it, he goes in a mood and takes it out on the children or our animals so it’s just easier to do it to keep the peace. We arrived on holiday on Sunday and we had sex in the afternoon. Yesterday (Monday) he said he wanted it again in the afternoon when we all went for a sleep but I fell asleep on my sunbed and told him I wasn’t in the mood. He barely spoke to me when we went out in the evening for dinner. But he also didn’t engage in conversation with our two adult children (20 and 23) or their partners. He has hardly spoken to anyone all day and I know that if I go and have sex with him he will be out of the mood and it will be a better atmosphere all round. My daughter has been asking me what’s wrong with him and asking if his mood is to do with her or her boyfriend. My husband has always behaved like this if he doesn’t get sex. He expects ‘porn star’ sex a couple of times a month and complains if there’s too much vanilla sex. I feel he’s only ever really interested in a conversation with me if it’s about sex. If I try to tell him anything about my work or general life he just nods and then will say something to completely change the subject. He never apologises after a disagreement. I’ve literally cried in front of him and (embarrassing to admit) hit myself in the face out of sheer frustration because if we argue, I know I have to go to him and say I was in the wrong and apologise to make it right between us- he can ignore me for days and days. Recently though, I have been seriously thinking of divorce as I can’t go on like this for the next 20 years. Is the sex stuff coercion? I’ve googled it but not sure if my situation fully relates to this. I’m sat here on the balcony feeling guilty for my children and I’m thinking I’ll just go and have sex with him so we have a nice evening. On the one hand this sounds ridiculous but on the other hand, is it me being selfish on everyone? I just don’t know.

I have taken in everything you have said, but all that kept coming to mind as I read on, is how have you carried on like this for this many years!
I wouldn’t of said much different if your kids were younger, but especially reading what ages they are, you need to think of yourself now and your life and happiness.
His behaviour is disgusting. And you’ve had to be below him, in the way of the crying, having to approach him after a disagreement. And as you have recognised is not okay at all, to hit yourself in the face.
The thing he does where he ignores/goes in a mood is emotional abuse too.
This is not something you can just discuss and repair all of those years, and he will just be different. Even if he could, how someone has made you feel and treated you all those years, that can not be erased.
Goodluck.

Well assuming he meant with you, maybe that was his way of getting you to say oh, come on then let’s do it. And hence saying then the bit about he guesses it’s the supermarket then.

Yes I agree OP knows her partner, and even then, there are things they can turn around do that you did not expect.
For example a friend said no about something during a heated argument, and the guy tried to strangle her.
It will be good for OP not to fall in to the same spot as usually happens when he does this, but it is up to her as to whether she mentions I will be divorcing etc, whilst on the holiday.
So if he does this now and those kids are adults, I can only imagine what it used to be like when they were kids.

When are you two divorcing.

The third sentence gave me the chills. I have a high sex drive, if my partners haven’t wanted sex when I do, I either move on with me day or if I have the free time then I go to masterbate. I would never be awful to my family to manipulate someone into sex how horrific!

I had an ex who regularly tried to get me intoxicated as he knew it was the only time id have sex with him.
I often woke up never remembering the previous night.
It's controlling and abusive. There were other controlling behaviors too and it also took me a lot of time afterwards to realise id been controlled.
Please leave

Op read your post back and pretend your best friend wrote it. Would you call her stupid and pathetic or someone who has been trying her best and staying strong through a really tough time for your children. They are grown now you can leave him and he free, but please seek legal advice secretly first. Do whatever you need to do in the meantime. If I were you I would claim I had thrush from my wet
bikini so it’s off the cards for the next couple of weeks then by then hopefully you can make a plan to leave him. Don’t leave the marital home unless you have to.

No way, and that was unfortunately an old way of thinking, I have heard it before sadly. Amongst other things that women were told to accept and put up with for their ‘husband’ 🤦‍♀️🙄🤦‍♀️.
No you don’t need to and shouldn’t be looking at trying to carry on for the sake of the family, what about you? You are part of that family.
Even if there are other good sides to this man this outweighs all of this.
Especially when he is expecting you to deal with his demands weekly, so you have been what? Doing it for the sake of it, or saying no and being treated like this.

Are you for real? The guy is abusing her to have sex or being abusive if she doesn’t. Then has obviously over the years been off towards the kids too, and you think he doesn’t know what he is doing lol. And then if she gives in he is in a better mood.
Also forcing her to have to bellow to him and apologise and get herself in a state, because he won’t come forward himself to apologise or anything else. There is no couples therapy for this,
I am shocked they even took you on as a couple.

Exactly and you see that is where the manipulation is too. I.e others will suffer too because OP has not done what he wanted, so it’s a way of saying look this is your fault, and make others feel bad. Pathetic.

What? Even if he had abused you.