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Original poster

Asking new partners to change small things about them/what they do

147 replies

Noodge · 11/08/2025 20:39

I think overall generally it is okay to say to someone 'that thing you do, I don't like' when you're first seeing someone. E.G an ex of mine used to play a sport most weekend which meant we couldn't ever arrange to go away or such so I did ask that now and again, this was forewent in favour of spending time on 'us', other players of the same sport weren't there every weekend as they had families and/or other commitments.

Anyway I started seeing someone a few weeks ago and she's asked that I rein in my sense of humour a little in front of others-I admit that I can be a bit crass or vulgar (It's never, ever at anyone's personal expense and is often directed at myself) as it makes her feel a bit uncomfortable.

I've said yes, this is absolutely fine and while I can't promise I'll never ever slip up, I will do my best to be careful about this and think more before I speak.

But, I want to ask her to change something too-she can sometimes be (what I perceive as at least) a bit rude and/or terse in her way of speaking to me (either in person or on text). I might be sensitive compared to others but it upsets me-maybe becuase I'd never speak to her like that.

E.G a few days ago I said that I might go to an event that's every few weeks in a nearby town soon, I'd normally go for its whole four days and stay over but I am just going to go for one day and then at least she can get a taste for it.

'What makes you think I wanna go?!'

(For context, she said she wanted to go for the whole four days the last time this event was on , I bought her a ticket and then she changed her mind saying she didn't want to stop over, too late to buy a one-day ticket so I sold both, so I thought she'd want to go for the one day next time, I didn't just make it up from nowhere).

Another time she said she'd never want to come with me to see certain friends of mine, I can keep them and see them but she doesn't think she'd like them and she has boundaries. I said that's fine of course, I'd never tell her who to be friends with either.
'I wouldn't bloody listen to you anyway!'
I found this rude, I thought I was being nice and 'normal' so I was slightly hurt.
She can generally be a bit moody.

I spoke to my Mum about this who said I am very calm and don't ever lose my temper and don't ever get upset about small things but other people do and I mustn't expect it of them so, I don't know whether I can ask that she's a bit more careful in how she speaks to me or whether I need to have words with myself and just let her be her, even if I am making (albeit small and very doable) changes myself?

OP posts:
Bufftailed · 11/08/2025 20:42

She sounds a bit mean. Unless she has a weird sense of humour. Ask her if she doesn’t take it well maybe that is a bad sign

TwistedWonder · 11/08/2025 20:43

If you’re in a new relationship and you’re already finding things you want to change about each other, is this really a relationship worth pursuing?

HundredMilesAnHour · 11/08/2025 20:47

TwistedWonder · 11/08/2025 20:43

If you’re in a new relationship and you’re already finding things you want to change about each other, is this really a relationship worth pursuing?

Exactly! It’s only been a few weeks and already you don’t like how she talks to you (which is pretty fundamental in a relationship) and she’s embarrassed by your sense of humour/vulgar behaviour.

It’s hardly a match made in heaven is it?

Mehmeh22 · 11/08/2025 20:48

This just has too many issues. You shouldn't need to ask to change in the early stages. Save yourself years of your life and throw this one back

Nevertrustacop · 11/08/2025 21:08

30 years married and DH has never asked me to change anything about myself.
I guess he may well think I worry too much, I don't take enough exercise and don't engage enough with his friends. But he has never asked me to change. Should we be asking other adults to change to please us?

MiloMinderbinder925 · 11/08/2025 21:25

Please start telling people how you feel.

"Why would you think I want to do that?"

"No need to be rude, I was just asking."

Don't sit back and allow people to treat you badly. If, after making it clear how you feel, someone continues the behaviour, cut them loose.

YetanotherNC25 · 11/08/2025 22:07

How kind of her to tell you can keep your friends. Good that you have her permission…..
You’re fundamentally mismatched and from your account she sounds rude and a bit too controlling.
Throw this one back. You shouldn’t have to have these kinds of conversations yet. It should be the honeymoon period where you’re all over each other.

Original poster
Noodge · 12/08/2025 17:30

Thank you all.

In case you haven't guessed, I am not great at navigating romantic relationships. I am in my 40s and have never had a decent one-my last two (years apart) have been abusive and difficult.

Overall, my life is quite good. I am not rich or particularly successful but I have good health, assets and a profession and good friends/family-but relationships are my nemesis.

I've had counselling and am due to start more. I want to address this issue.

I will clarify, I'd have never have asked her to change anything until she asked me to change my humour-I mean to me that means It's acceptable to ask one another to change something? My friends like my humour, I know I can be a bit crass, but It's never been an issue for anyone before. I can change it without much ado, maybe reserve it for when she isn't around.

She pursued me heavily, I didn't feel quite ready, but I did like her a lot and still do-she just seems to have become very moody all of a sudden and I am really not like that, I am generally very happy and mild-mannered.

I have thought of another thing, I gave her a small piece of advice (think the right person to see about a particular problem she has) and she snapped at me then, too. I have theorised that she's perhaps had bad relationships too and saw that as controlling, but I didn't mean it that way, I am just generally quite caring and didn't like seeing her in pain. Prior to this period I have written the thread about, everything was fun and carefree and happy. I didn't respond to a msg for a while as she had written it in a snappy tone and I felt hurt by it, and then she got back in touch and was very angry when I said how I felt, and things turned like this following that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 12/08/2025 17:33

YetanotherNC25 · 11/08/2025 22:07

How kind of her to tell you can keep your friends. Good that you have her permission…..
You’re fundamentally mismatched and from your account she sounds rude and a bit too controlling.
Throw this one back. You shouldn’t have to have these kinds of conversations yet. It should be the honeymoon period where you’re all over each other.

Prior to my taking umbridge at how she spoke to me in that msg (which she insists wasn'tmeant the way I read it, fair enough-but she was so so angry about it!) everything was like that. I feel I have ruined things by saying how I felt.

OP posts:
UpMyself · 12/08/2025 17:39

Walk away. You don't sound compatible.
If a message sounds angry, you have the right to take umbrage.

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/08/2025 17:44

Agree with previous posters that this is all an indication you’re not suited. It’s been a few weeks, you’re trying each other in for size, and it doesn’t look like the size fits for either of you. You’re don’t like and are trying to change aspects of the other’s personality, and that isn’t going to work. You haven’t “ruined things” by saying how you feel, you’ve just established that the way she communicates isn’t the way you’d like to be communicated with.

In a relationship there are some things it’s fine to ask your partner if they could reflect on or not do: “can you try not to joke about sex and God when we’re at Great Aunt Lucy’s birthday this weekend, a lot of the older relatives there are quite traditional and it’s just going to cause a brouhaha” or “how about not wearing that T-shirt with the holes in which makes it look like you robbed a drifter” = broadly okay. But when you’re arguing, this early on, about really fairly fundamental things, just call it a day.

dreamingbohemian · 12/08/2025 17:46

You sound very incompatible, just end it

But its worth thinking about your crass sense of humour a bit, could that be affecting your dating life? It doesn't matter if your friends like it, I don't know many women who would be thrilled by that especially when getting to know someone.

Springtimehere · 12/08/2025 17:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

lololola1987 · 12/08/2025 17:56

I’ve just stopped seeing a man who would burp too close to me, then move in for a kiss. I am not prepared to teach a grown man how to behave.
The old MN saying: “when they show you who they are, believe them” applies here.
It’s early days for you and she’s already trying to change who you are and you are trying to change her too. Sounds like it’s too much hard work already.

Original poster
Noodge · 12/08/2025 18:26

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/08/2025 17:44

Agree with previous posters that this is all an indication you’re not suited. It’s been a few weeks, you’re trying each other in for size, and it doesn’t look like the size fits for either of you. You’re don’t like and are trying to change aspects of the other’s personality, and that isn’t going to work. You haven’t “ruined things” by saying how you feel, you’ve just established that the way she communicates isn’t the way you’d like to be communicated with.

In a relationship there are some things it’s fine to ask your partner if they could reflect on or not do: “can you try not to joke about sex and God when we’re at Great Aunt Lucy’s birthday this weekend, a lot of the older relatives there are quite traditional and it’s just going to cause a brouhaha” or “how about not wearing that T-shirt with the holes in which makes it look like you robbed a drifter” = broadly okay. But when you’re arguing, this early on, about really fairly fundamental things, just call it a day.

Edited

We seemed really, really good until I was upset about how she spoke to me in a msg. I didn't respond for a while and then she got in touch to say I had obviously stopped speaking to her because she was ill (she had been ill) so we were over. I asked if I could call her and explained that it wasn't that, she had really upset me. She got very angry.

When I make jokes that are crass or crude It's always in the right company-I'd never do it at work or around people's relatives etc. I am willing to tone it down of course. Just wondered what the general protocol on this was.

We have just had a fairly good weekend together and I dropped her off at home yesterday, she was a bit 'off'with me I felt, but nothing major. I know she has some financial worries and is stressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 12/08/2025 18:27

lololola1987 · 12/08/2025 17:56

I’ve just stopped seeing a man who would burp too close to me, then move in for a kiss. I am not prepared to teach a grown man how to behave.
The old MN saying: “when they show you who they are, believe them” applies here.
It’s early days for you and she’s already trying to change who you are and you are trying to change her too. Sounds like it’s too much hard work already.

I would've never have even thought to do it-I just felt that if she felt it were okay to ask me to, maybe I could ask her to.

OP posts:
Iwasphotoframed · 12/08/2025 18:32

She sounds like she has a few corners herself, heck don’t we all. Something about your posting style, I can’t put my finger on it, makes me wonder if you might be on the spectrum. Could it be a NT/ND thing?

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 12/08/2025 18:44

It shouldn’t be this hard in the first year

bin and move on

Original poster
Noodge · 12/08/2025 19:41

Iwasphotoframed · 12/08/2025 18:32

She sounds like she has a few corners herself, heck don’t we all. Something about your posting style, I can’t put my finger on it, makes me wonder if you might be on the spectrum. Could it be a NT/ND thing?

I'm not on the spectrum.
I don't think she is either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 12/08/2025 19:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I am female, just to clarify. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 12/08/2025 19:42

UpMyself · 12/08/2025 17:39

Walk away. You don't sound compatible.
If a message sounds angry, you have the right to take umbrage.

It really did, it was very harsh I thought. I'd never speak to anyone like that.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 12/08/2025 19:45

You should be in peak honeymoon phase at the moment, not wanting to change one another or being offended by their communication style. I don't think you are compatible.

TwistedWonder · 12/08/2025 19:54

The thing is OP are you going to do anything? You’ve started this thread because you know this has right, everyone is telling you you’re not compatible and you’re making excuses for her,

You're going to continue with this relationship despite knowing it’s not a good one.

Original poster
Noodge · 12/08/2025 19:56

dreamingbohemian · 12/08/2025 17:46

You sound very incompatible, just end it

But its worth thinking about your crass sense of humour a bit, could that be affecting your dating life? It doesn't matter if your friends like it, I don't know many women who would be thrilled by that especially when getting to know someone.

I forgot to add-when she was 'chasing' me for a date, she said my sense of humour was something that had originally attracted her!

I am quite 'quick' and a lot of my friendship groups know me as the daft one (I am actually not daft, I have two degrees, a teaching qualification etc etc) who makes people laugh-I don't do it at anyone's expense. It hasn't ever caused an issue before.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 12/08/2025 20:08

She's settled into the relationship and now she's going to start controlling you with her moods.

It wasn't your response to her that set her off, it was her knowing you will take it and stay. She was ALWAYS going to get moody. It's how she gets what she wants.

This is probably headed full-blown abusive relationship. I'd ditch the moody controller now, before her behaviour gets worse - as someone else said, it's meant to be the honeymoon period, so this is as good as it will ever get.