Asking new partners to change small things about them/what they do

[Noodge]

I think overall generally it is okay to say to someone 'that thing you do, I don't like' when you're first seeing someone. E.G an ex of mine used to play a sport most weekend which meant we couldn't ever arrange to go away or such so I did ask that now and again, this was forewent in favour of spending time on 'us', other players of the same sport weren't there every weekend as they had families and/or other commitments.

Anyway I started seeing someone a few weeks ago and she's asked that I rein in my sense of humour a little in front of others-I admit that I can be a bit crass or vulgar (It's never, ever at anyone's personal expense and is often directed at myself) as it makes her feel a bit uncomfortable.

I've said yes, this is absolutely fine and while I can't promise I'll never ever slip up, I will do my best to be careful about this and think more before I speak.

But, I want to ask her to change something too-she can sometimes be (what I perceive as at least) a bit rude and/or terse in her way of speaking to me (either in person or on text). I might be sensitive compared to others but it upsets me-maybe becuase I'd never speak to her like that.

E.G a few days ago I said that I might go to an event that's every few weeks in a nearby town soon, I'd normally go for its whole four days and stay over but I am just going to go for one day and then at least she can get a taste for it.

'What makes you think I wanna go?!'

(For context, she said she wanted to go for the whole four days the last time this event was on , I bought her a ticket and then she changed her mind saying she didn't want to stop over, too late to buy a one-day ticket so I sold both, so I thought she'd want to go for the one day next time, I didn't just make it up from nowhere).

Another time she said she'd never want to come with me to see certain friends of mine, I can keep them and see them but she doesn't think she'd like them and she has boundaries. I said that's fine of course, I'd never tell her who to be friends with either.
'I wouldn't bloody listen to you anyway!'
I found this rude, I thought I was being nice and 'normal' so I was slightly hurt.
She can generally be a bit moody.

I spoke to my Mum about this who said I am very calm and don't ever lose my temper and don't ever get upset about small things but other people do and I mustn't expect it of them so, I don't know whether I can ask that she's a bit more careful in how she speaks to me or whether I need to have words with myself and just let her be her, even if I am making (albeit small and very doable) changes myself?

If you can't say how you feel without ruining things, it isnt the right relationship!

It is better to be single than with someone that isn't kind to you and doesn't make your life happier. Society tells us that we are only successful in life if we settle down with someone. In reality, you only have to browse the relationships board on here to see how many people get stuck in relationships that make them unhappy, don't be one of them like I was!

I spent 3 years with a man who constantly put me down and destroyed my self esteem.

I then had 7 years with someone else - but only the first half of that was good.
2 with someone else...

I have been single now for 6.5 years and I am the happiest I've been in my entire adult life!

I was actually really, really happy single! She chased me, I split with someone about a year prior, and I was just enjoying my life-now and again I would miss being in a partnership but very fleetingly! I mean, it's nice to have someone to do things with-but I'd got used to it and was thriving. Then she came along and she was so lovely and seemed to really 'see' me and appreciate me and I did her.

I've got this feeling in the pit of my stomach now though unfortunately.

@Noodge You sound so earnest and nice OP. I think you deserve better from how you describe how she talks to you.

She actually split up with me, because I hadn't replied, because the msg upset me. What I thought was that once she'd calmed a little she may msg or call and ask if I was okay. I explained, she became very angry and refused to talk to me about it, said that she couldn't be bothered with all of this and that I was wrong for 'not speaking' and that she'd done nothing wrong at all. That was that for three days-I was really upset, then she came back and we talked and she said she had some financial worries and had been ill and was very stressed-asked if I still wanted her to come at the weekend (we had plans). We talked briefly about it while she was here but she didn't really want to and just said she 'couldn't be bothered with the bullshit' and that it was putting her off thinking about committing more in the future.

When we first got together, I commented that we were quite a distance apart and couldn't relocate (various reasons) and she said that she'd considered that and if we did work out, she'd move to be with me.

It does come across like you just aren't compatible. She needs you to tell her whats wrong but you need her to recognise you're upset and ask why - that's not easy for either of you to change!

Going back to your OP, you may as well tell her that you find her tone upsetting if you do want to see if things can improve - because they won't otherwise so there's nothing to lose! I think I'd just go back to that happy single life though to be honest.

This is how abusive relationships start @Noodge
Red flags all over. Run.

Yes, I've told her that if anything like this happens again I will be clear, I'll call her rather than go quiet assuming thats what the right thing to do is.

I think this is borne of my last relationship where I wasnt allowed to call outside of allocated times that were convenient for (my ex) her.

Tbh you may not be perfect but the more you say, the potentially scarier she sounds. I'd be backing away.

When my partner and I got together, it was the first time he'd lived with someone and he had a lot of bachelor habits that were frankly annoying. I was very careful how I handled it, but it had to be tackled. He never got angry; now and then he saw my point and changed, now and then he said no, that's not something I can change. Sometimes just talking it through was enough to take the irritation away. He's worth staying with. (And ofc, he mentioned it when something I was doing was driving him mad; its a two way thing).

But there was never any breaking up because I hadn't answered a text fast, or that my feedback was not always shiningly positive. No drama, ever. Just good communication.

She chased you hard and now she's showing inappropriate anger and aggressive tones of voice. I think you've got one who is trouble, OP. I also think that you need to learn from this and swerve future partners who speak to you like she does.

First few months is as good as it gets, if this is how you peak, the lows will be dire!

Red flags here, I'm afraid. This is the phase of the relationship where people establish what they are ok with and what they will or won't tolerate. It's really clear that she expects you to change something she doesn't like abput you, but when there's something you don't like about her, rather than her changing, she expects you to adapt and change your reaction to it:
Yes, I've told her that if anything like this happens again I will be clear, I'll call her rather than go quiet assuming thats what the right thing to do is.

It shouldn't be this hard this early in the relationship and she doesn't sound like a nice person.

Interesting question generally OP, I have been wondering the same thing. I think generally the accepted answer is that you don’t ask people to change. If most things are great can little things be ignored, indeed if things are really great would the other things even be noticed?
The crass humour is interesting because I totally get why she doesn’t like it… but that really is your personality she is asking you to change.

This, OP.

please take note.

She is training you to accept her bad behaviour with no questions asked (if you do she gets angry and punishes you by withdrawing) and to accept that your feelings don’t matter. This is not a good relationship.

She's coercively controlling you. Run away and don't look back. In the early stages it should not be so difficult!

Believe her when she shows you who she really is and remove yourself from her orbit. It will not get better. It will escalate. Get out while you can, 'put your own oxygen mask on first' and leg it!

Absolutely agree and it does seem like the OP is going to continue in the relationship and moderate her own behaviour to appease the control.

Please OP you’ll put yourself on a very slippery slope once you start changing yourself to keep the peace.

I accept I am far from perfect! I try to be self-aware though and know what I am like, what I can change (reining in my sense of humour isn't an issue-I mean I do that in certain situations already).

This is the sort of thing I mean though, habits that are acceptable while living alone can be an issue once you live with someone and I dont think It's an issue to modify that. I mean, I am quite messy and she isn't-so if we did live together I would definitely change that-I live on my own currently so if I leave dishes to do the following day that's only going to bother me, but I can easily change that if I live with someone for example.

She seems to have totally changed toward me since she was snappy with me and I didn't respond. I guess I was expecting her to calm down and perhaps text later 'are you okay, you're quiet' or something. But she didn't, instead choosing to send me an even angrier msg telling me it was over because I've ignored her for no reason other than 'I've been ILL!!!!'
Which I wouldn't ever do. But I can see now that, she doesn't see anything wrong with her 'speaking' to me (over text) in the tone she did. She's since admitted that she was angry, but siad it wasn't with me.

She was moody with me on the Monday when I was driving her home (I had picked her up and dropped her off as she's struggling financially) and before that.

The night before last, we spoke on the phone as I was getting ready to leave to go to the gym. She said she felt better now she was back in a routine (I know she felt she'd lost a week being poorly, then she came to mine for a long weekend). I asked something to the lines of if she regretted coming here, was she happy to-I hope she hadnt' felt pressured and she again became snappy with me and said I always put a negative on everything-I said I was sorry-I didn't mean it that way was just making sure she was okay. I asked if she was still happy with me as she seemed to have changed and she said 'Nothing's changed now GO and get ready for the gym'.

As I've said above, I feel like I caused her to change toward me by not responding. I should've rang and spoken to her and found out what was wrong for her to talk to me like that.
My Mum has said I am especially sensitive to people talking to me horribly, which may be true.
But she doesn't send me any 'nice' texts any more, or say nice things about me, or pay me any attention really. It's meaning that I feel odd doing the same for her. It's like she's totally changed in the few months we've known one another (I've known her since early May).
Also yesterday, I was talking about something to her via text and she started sounding a bit 'off' again, and I said 'am I upsetting you talking about this, I am sorry if I have?' realising it was a subject that could be triggering* for her. She said she'd talk after work.
After she finished work, she text that she was busy so I said that's fine, I will go do some things I need to do and we can talk later to which she responded 'can do'. She then said she had other things to do and I said that's fine, you do't have to call if you don't want. Next text I had off her was that she was going to bed.

She has trauma which could have related to medical procedures I was talking about but* I didn't think it would, because I had mentioned said procedures I was undergoing before we got together and she said she'd always be supportive and come to them with me if I wanted etc (I wouldn't want that but that's by the by) and we'd discussed them previously without issue so I really didnt think that would bother her or I'd never have mentioned them.

She's messaged me good morning today but no usual pleasantries.
Maybe my Mum is right-but I just don't speak to people like that especially not someone I am dating who I am supposed to especially like.

I am just very, very confused now and she seemed so mature initially, I'd have never have thought she'd have been someone I couldn't discuss feelings with or ask questions about 'us' to.

My last relationship, DP was undiagnosed (at the time) autistic and had no emotional range at all plus was very selfish and difficult (she has a diagnosis now, established during our relationship). It was very, very hard and upsetting. At the beginning of knowing new DP she seemed very 'together' and caring and funny and just totally different. I do not know what has changed. I accept I was in the wrong for not messaging, but I don't think the punishment (dumping me and ignoring me for 3 days) fits the crime?

Apologies for the rant. I am reading through all responses I have missed, now.

Just re-read-please note that I am not saying all people with autism are like my ex DP-this was just how it presented in her and me being me, it was just very hard-I like an emotional connection and to be able to care for one another and she wasn't capable of giving any 'love' or receiving it.

Honestly why are you to g yourself in knots trying to understand and pander to a rude controlling woman you’ve only known a few months?

She treats you like shit and you apologise to her - why?? Stop making excuses for her rudeness and see her for who she is. She’s waving huge red flags right in your face that you’re batting aside.

Stop trying to work out why she’s the way she is and just walk away. Regardless of who is right or wrong, you’re completely incompatible and you’ll end up miserable.

A very short term relationship shouldn’t be anywhere near this hard.

She sounds like a rude drama queen.

'What makes you think I wanna go?!' - a message like that would put me off instantly. Just an objectionable personality type.

It's odd because some of the things she has said havebeen that she 'can't be bothered with the drama' (when she finished with me) and that she's 'far too laid back' and she's 'so easy going'. When it seems to be like she's the opposite, and she's describing me, if anything.

I do do this, I am aware-I try to work through things-I just can't understand the Jeckll and Hyde character change.

You see I would view that as a red flag because there's no need for someone who actually is low drama and easy going to announce that about themselves. It sounds rather like she's been told she's anything but easy going and is preemptively trying to mess with your perceptions. I.e. she actually caused the entire drama and is airily waving that away as if she's the mature one in this situation. She isn't.

It also reminds me of the type of person who puts 'no time wasters' on a dating profile. Nobody actively wants time wasters but putting that out there is aggressive and bitter.

Honestly it's disorienting when someone presents themselves one way and then shows themselves in a very different light, but at this early stage you can be sure this is just who she is. Not a particularly nice person. Throw her back OP, you're going to have a horrid torrid time with this one.

You sound hugely incompatible. She is quite terse and I could easily read her messages as suppose dot be light hearted/funny but I also don't like that kind of humour and would find it difficult to engage with.

You on the other hand are also quite sensitive and your go to ws to sulk and go quiet and hope she'd contact you and say she was sorry for speaking to you when she upset you.

This is not a relationship that can work with such different styles and needs.

It also stood out to me that you're running her back and forth in your car because she has financial issues. Honestly OP, you're being far too nice! Someone who is in a mess financially but otherwise non-toxic is going to take themselves off the dating market and work on that, not size up the next person they can drag into their mess and place burdens on. The likelihood is she wants to move in with you because she'd quite like you to take on full time responsibilities as taxi service and pay rent for you both. And she will work away at your confidence and perceptions until you feel like she's the one doing you a favour.

She said she didn't realise her finances were such a mess, before we got together. I have also leant her money. I am a complete mug aren't I. Just realising this now-It's quite hard.

She said while here last week that the 'bullshit' that I had caused by not responding to her (she absolutely does not accept that her msgs came across as angry although she's admitted she was angry while typing them)has put her off ever wanting more of a commitment or moving in with me.

I am a property developer, have several houses, I am mindful to protect my assets, and as she said it I thought 'well your temper is putting ME off ever wanting those things too!'. But then she didn't want to talk about it any longer so I couldn't really explore that further with her.

I am at work, I will respond to others as soon as I can. It's all helpful-and has made me realise that maybe my boundaries are still weak despite counselling. I was very happy single and this has just been a whirlwind of emotion that started off so well, but has turned so quickly.