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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Asking new partners to change small things about them/what they do

147 replies

Noodge · 11/08/2025 20:39

I think overall generally it is okay to say to someone 'that thing you do, I don't like' when you're first seeing someone. E.G an ex of mine used to play a sport most weekend which meant we couldn't ever arrange to go away or such so I did ask that now and again, this was forewent in favour of spending time on 'us', other players of the same sport weren't there every weekend as they had families and/or other commitments.

Anyway I started seeing someone a few weeks ago and she's asked that I rein in my sense of humour a little in front of others-I admit that I can be a bit crass or vulgar (It's never, ever at anyone's personal expense and is often directed at myself) as it makes her feel a bit uncomfortable.

I've said yes, this is absolutely fine and while I can't promise I'll never ever slip up, I will do my best to be careful about this and think more before I speak.

But, I want to ask her to change something too-she can sometimes be (what I perceive as at least) a bit rude and/or terse in her way of speaking to me (either in person or on text). I might be sensitive compared to others but it upsets me-maybe becuase I'd never speak to her like that.

E.G a few days ago I said that I might go to an event that's every few weeks in a nearby town soon, I'd normally go for its whole four days and stay over but I am just going to go for one day and then at least she can get a taste for it.

'What makes you think I wanna go?!'

(For context, she said she wanted to go for the whole four days the last time this event was on , I bought her a ticket and then she changed her mind saying she didn't want to stop over, too late to buy a one-day ticket so I sold both, so I thought she'd want to go for the one day next time, I didn't just make it up from nowhere).

Another time she said she'd never want to come with me to see certain friends of mine, I can keep them and see them but she doesn't think she'd like them and she has boundaries. I said that's fine of course, I'd never tell her who to be friends with either.
'I wouldn't bloody listen to you anyway!'
I found this rude, I thought I was being nice and 'normal' so I was slightly hurt.
She can generally be a bit moody.

I spoke to my Mum about this who said I am very calm and don't ever lose my temper and don't ever get upset about small things but other people do and I mustn't expect it of them so, I don't know whether I can ask that she's a bit more careful in how she speaks to me or whether I need to have words with myself and just let her be her, even if I am making (albeit small and very doable) changes myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 18/08/2025 22:02

Wafflesandsyrup · 18/08/2025 21:30

It sounds like she liked the chase, but now she has you and It's obvious that you are very into her that she's gone off you.
Edited - just read your update, sorry.

Edited

No problem, and I think you're probably right.

It is beyond me how someone can do an 'about turn' so quickly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 19/08/2025 05:49

MCF86 · 18/08/2025 15:17

She sounds like a dick.

Show quote history

Sorry, missed this, and need the laughter reaction back! 😆

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 19/08/2025 06:13

If at the start of a relationship you’re both thinking “I like you but can you just change this and stop doing that” then you don’t really like them

Original poster
Noodge · 19/08/2025 06:26

I really did like her.
I mean, others on this thread have attested and thinking back, modifying behaviour is nornal in some of my past relationships. Im quite messy in my own space but when livig with others I make sure to not be.

I just figured that if I am compromising something can I also ask her to. But it ended up being not necessary anyway. I take others points on board that she was/is unstable and just did a very good job of hiding it early on.

Bad tempers and adults flying off the handle over minor things, as Im learning, is a deal breaker for me. Im a calm person who is respectful of differences and likes to be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 20/08/2025 16:44

I am sorry to update my thread when it hasn't had responses but I think I am doing it more to write down my own thoughts that I may like to refer back to at some point (using mn as a blog effectively).

There have been some posts in the group chat (which I have archived, there's only me, her and one other woman in it now anyway). I haven't responded.

I have realised that everything she said/did was a lie-about her personality, things she liked/didn't like doing etc.

She owes me money and I am hoping she pays it back! And I have also left a pair of (expensive) pjamas at her house. Should I write them off, or msg asking her to post them back? She's an hour away-I could collect them in theory I guess!

Also, she had sent me a msg saying 'I want us to be very good friends noodge, you've been important to be for the last few months'.

After she 'love bombed' me then strung me along then became very bad tempered, had a go at me over (what I perceive to be) minor disagreements then finished things? Is it me or is that baffling?

OP posts:
UpMyself · 20/08/2025 16:53

The woman's a psycho. Money you have lent is probably lost, but no harm in asking for it and the pyjamas.

It's OK to update your own thread, and the updates are welcome.

After she 'love bombed' me then strung me along then became very bad tempered, had a go at me over (what I perceive to be) minor disagreements then finished things? Is it me or is that baffling?
It's quite common for a new partner to be as nice as pie and change once they have you in the bag.
You have had a narrow escape. Keep running.

Wadadli · 20/08/2025 16:54

lololola1987 · 12/08/2025 17:56

I’ve just stopped seeing a man who would burp too close to me, then move in for a kiss. I am not prepared to teach a grown man how to behave.
The old MN saying: “when they show you who they are, believe them” applies here.
It’s early days for you and she’s already trying to change who you are and you are trying to change her too. Sounds like it’s too much hard work already.

It wasn’t Mumsnet, it was Maya Angelou …

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Poltroon · 20/08/2025 16:55

TwistedWonder · 11/08/2025 20:43

If you’re in a new relationship and you’re already finding things you want to change about each other, is this really a relationship worth pursuing?

This. Just move on, OP. Especially in view of your updates.

Poltroon · 20/08/2025 16:56

Wadadli · 20/08/2025 16:54

It wasn’t Mumsnet, it was Maya Angelou …

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Show quote history

Yes. Two very different beasts.

Original poster
Noodge · 20/08/2025 17:12

UpMyself · 20/08/2025 16:53

The woman's a psycho. Money you have lent is probably lost, but no harm in asking for it and the pyjamas.

It's OK to update your own thread, and the updates are welcome.

After she 'love bombed' me then strung me along then became very bad tempered, had a go at me over (what I perceive to be) minor disagreements then finished things? Is it me or is that baffling?
It's quite common for a new partner to be as nice as pie and change once they have you in the bag.
You have had a narrow escape. Keep running.

A psycho? Grin
I do feel I have had a lucky escape now.
She'd have only have become worse I think-I think she probablyhad a couple of 'good' months where she felt she could be the person she wanted to be or thought she was, but her mask has slipped.

Thank you. She was meant to be paying me back in two installments, starting last month but said she couldn't afford it due to some other expense with her car. So starting this month. I know she has been doing lots of overtime as she's been posting in the group chat about that-so hopefully... Not sure if I have the energy to take her to small claims court if I don't get it. I will wait until the end of the month as I am not sure on her exact pay date (I think It's the 24th) and then I will msg her and ask for my things back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 20/08/2025 17:14

Poltroon · 20/08/2025 16:55

This. Just move on, OP. Especially in view of your updates.

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She has finished with me now (again!)-I am just posting about whether to ask for my pjamas back! And having a bit of a vent, I guess. Not many people I can vent to in real life about this really.

OP posts:
UpMyself · 20/08/2025 17:19

How much did you lend her and are we talking fancy silk pyjamas or George at Asda jimjams?

I'd ask for them back, but if you go to get them and the money, take someone with you because she will try to get you back into her clutches.

DiscoBob · 20/08/2025 17:21

She sounds like a bit of a miserable bully. If you were female and she a bloke, we'd all be saying to leave. I'm assuming you are a guy? It makes no difference really anyway.

She doesn't like your humour (to me that's a very big thing to dislike about someone), doesn't share your social interests, makes mean remarks to you and doesn't seem to really be making you happy.

I'd say your mum might not see you in the same way as other women do, so though it's good to talk to her about it, I wouldn't take her view as gospel.

It sounds to me like you lack assertiveness and really could do with splitting from this woman and working on your own self esteem maybe?

UpMyself · 20/08/2025 17:23

@DiscoBob , OP is female. I don't think it makes a difference to the advice.

DiscoBob · 20/08/2025 17:28

UpMyself · 20/08/2025 17:23

@DiscoBob , OP is female. I don't think it makes a difference to the advice.

Ah ok. Sorry, I wasn't sure. But yeah as I said it makes no difference. My advice is the same. But sorry for calling you a man OP! X

Absentmindedsmile · 20/08/2025 17:29

Perhaps you both need to look elsewhere for love. Just guessing.

Rollergirl11 · 20/08/2025 21:57

I have a feeling that this won’t be the end of things, OP. I think you should prepare for that. I think she has broken up with you to punish you and is fully expecting you to beg to be taken back. Once she realises that you aren’t going to do that then I bet she will be wanting to dangle the carrot again and rekindle things. I think she likes playing mind games and toying with you.

Try not to get sucked back in if she does suggest getting back together. I also think you can kiss the money she owes you goodbye.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 20/08/2025 23:17

You're not a fool. Or stupid. Straight forward people who've had generally decent parenting and honest friends get caught once or even twice; the forms of ''best face covering up a world of unpleasantness" vary, and you can't recognise them all straight off.

Don't be hard on yourself. You've learned from this.

Original poster
Noodge · 21/08/2025 06:49

UpMyself · 20/08/2025 17:19

How much did you lend her and are we talking fancy silk pyjamas or George at Asda jimjams?

I'd ask for them back, but if you go to get them and the money, take someone with you because she will try to get you back into her clutches.

Just under £1,000. I know. I'm obviously cracked. I truly believed her. This is (believe it or not!) The first time I've ever gone along with what someone was saying.

Since becoming single I've refused dates/relationships with at least 4 women off the top of my head despite whatever lines they spun me. I turned down women for what some may perceive as silly reasons (not independent/living with family, not right personality wise, having a dog that mine wouldn't get on with, living too far away...) this one, I truly thought we could work. I need a lobotomy.

Pjamas, 😆 somewhere in between I guess? Ted Baker, they were a present but I think they were about £60. But they were a pair I particularly liked, that aren't available any longer and I just would like them back!

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 21/08/2025 06:54

DiscoBob · 20/08/2025 17:21

She sounds like a bit of a miserable bully. If you were female and she a bloke, we'd all be saying to leave. I'm assuming you are a guy? It makes no difference really anyway.

She doesn't like your humour (to me that's a very big thing to dislike about someone), doesn't share your social interests, makes mean remarks to you and doesn't seem to really be making you happy.

I'd say your mum might not see you in the same way as other women do, so though it's good to talk to her about it, I wouldn't take her view as gospel.

It sounds to me like you lack assertiveness and really could do with splitting from this woman and working on your own self esteem maybe?

It's odd because, before we began dating we really bounced off one another and she seemed to love my humour, in fact she even said she did. Maybe didnt like it so much 'in person'? Or perhaps, she presenting as different to how she actually is online in a group meet, assumed I did too? But (as far as I'm aware) I don't. I'm just me everywhere although as I've said I don't practice dark/dank humour at Great Aunt Bessie's 80th in the same way I would while out having a bottle of wine with friends.

I have booked more counselling sessions through work. My ex did a number on me anyway (Cassandra relationship) and I worked hard on myself with that.

Could've done without this 😥

OP posts:
UpMyself · 21/08/2025 06:57

Many of us have been through similar, @Noodge . As my pp, I'd ask for the pyjamas and money back, and arrange a handover. Take a friend with you to avoid being talked into getting back into the relationship.
Once you have the money and pyjamas, block her. She is toxic.

Original poster
Noodge · 21/08/2025 08:20

Rollergirl11 · 20/08/2025 21:57

I have a feeling that this won’t be the end of things, OP. I think you should prepare for that. I think she has broken up with you to punish you and is fully expecting you to beg to be taken back. Once she realises that you aren’t going to do that then I bet she will be wanting to dangle the carrot again and rekindle things. I think she likes playing mind games and toying with you.

Try not to get sucked back in if she does suggest getting back together. I also think you can kiss the money she owes you goodbye.

I have sent her a msg this morning about the money. She assures me she has set a S/O up starting on the 12th of next month. So hopefully. I asked her if she's able to post my pjamas back! 😆 no response yet.

I do have a feeling that you may be right about her wanting me back at some point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 21/08/2025 17:03

UpMyself · 21/08/2025 06:57

Many of us have been through similar, @Noodge . As my pp, I'd ask for the pyjamas and money back, and arrange a handover. Take a friend with you to avoid being talked into getting back into the relationship.
Once you have the money and pyjamas, block her. She is toxic.

I really do not think she could talk me back into getting into a relationship now, I think I've 'toughened' and because it weren't for long, any feelings I have have just depleted rapidly.
It's the way she spoke to me that I didn't like. I can forgive many things but not that. And as others have said, just the instability.

I was feeling very down about this, but those feelings are subsiding now. Thank you for the support on this thread.

OP posts:
CornflowerDusk · 21/08/2025 17:11

.

Original poster
Noodge · 21/08/2025 18:29

DiscoBob · 20/08/2025 17:28

Ah ok. Sorry, I wasn't sure. But yeah as I said it makes no difference. My advice is the same. But sorry for calling you a man OP! X

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No problem-I didn't specify (I should've!) and may have easily made the same assumption myself!

OP posts:
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