Asking new partners to change small things about them/what they do

[Noodge]

I think overall generally it is okay to say to someone 'that thing you do, I don't like' when you're first seeing someone. E.G an ex of mine used to play a sport most weekend which meant we couldn't ever arrange to go away or such so I did ask that now and again, this was forewent in favour of spending time on 'us', other players of the same sport weren't there every weekend as they had families and/or other commitments.

Anyway I started seeing someone a few weeks ago and she's asked that I rein in my sense of humour a little in front of others-I admit that I can be a bit crass or vulgar (It's never, ever at anyone's personal expense and is often directed at myself) as it makes her feel a bit uncomfortable.

I've said yes, this is absolutely fine and while I can't promise I'll never ever slip up, I will do my best to be careful about this and think more before I speak.

But, I want to ask her to change something too-she can sometimes be (what I perceive as at least) a bit rude and/or terse in her way of speaking to me (either in person or on text). I might be sensitive compared to others but it upsets me-maybe becuase I'd never speak to her like that.

E.G a few days ago I said that I might go to an event that's every few weeks in a nearby town soon, I'd normally go for its whole four days and stay over but I am just going to go for one day and then at least she can get a taste for it.

'What makes you think I wanna go?!'

(For context, she said she wanted to go for the whole four days the last time this event was on , I bought her a ticket and then she changed her mind saying she didn't want to stop over, too late to buy a one-day ticket so I sold both, so I thought she'd want to go for the one day next time, I didn't just make it up from nowhere).

Another time she said she'd never want to come with me to see certain friends of mine, I can keep them and see them but she doesn't think she'd like them and she has boundaries. I said that's fine of course, I'd never tell her who to be friends with either.
'I wouldn't bloody listen to you anyway!'
I found this rude, I thought I was being nice and 'normal' so I was slightly hurt.
She can generally be a bit moody.

I spoke to my Mum about this who said I am very calm and don't ever lose my temper and don't ever get upset about small things but other people do and I mustn't expect it of them so, I don't know whether I can ask that she's a bit more careful in how she speaks to me or whether I need to have words with myself and just let her be her, even if I am making (albeit small and very doable) changes myself?

She's paid the first installment, I am pleasantly surprised.
When we had the conversation about the bank details-she said she'd set the wrong number of installments up for the S/O-meaning she'd overpay. I told her it didn't matter, she could cancel before the surplus one and if that didn't work I would just pay her the extra back anyway. She said 'yes should be X not Y haha'- all very lighthearted and friendly which I found odd.
When I received the first installment into my bank this morning, the reference read 'I appreciate you'. Again, odd after how she behaved toward me.

It's good that she's paying you back. I would say be careful though, she's obviously showing you her 'nice' side again which will be deliberate to try and reel you back in.

Thank you-yes a few of my RL friends (who I have now told about the situation, I daren't before) have said similar.

Also I have just learned that a mutual acquaintance has been talking to her on social media and has been told that she's been saying she has never wanted to settle down and has always just supported herself and women are trash and 'no woman will ever get what I have worked so hard for!' what's that, a load of debt and she never wants one and (my home city) is a horrible place.

She's a divorcee who had not long since been out of a (different, not her marriage!) relationship when she began pursuing me. I would've rather have not known this information because it has just wound me up. SO many lies. Makes me wonder what else of everything she said to me were lies.

She really sounds toxic and clearly likes to throw things out there that she feels make her sound a certain way (independent, laidback, whatever she's trying to project). People like that have a fundamentally fragile sense of self and they lash out when they come in contact with reality. And it is ironic that her actions and life literally show the opposite of everything she claims.
I really feel for you, this kind of thing can be quite destabilising and it's obvious you have so much to offer with the right person, and that you want that kind of closeness and intimacy. So it kind of sucks atm. But I'm also really really glad for you that you weren't sucked in for years of your life.

I think this is exactly her.

Upbeat and energetic and outgoing (when I met her).
Not long after, was saying things like she needed to split up with me and concentrate on herself in order 'to not get depressed again'.

Wanting to settle down and marry and I was the person she needed and she was so glad to have met me and we discussed our expectations of relationships and how we approach difficulties and what sort of people we are-all very mature and sensible-next minute she's flying off the handle over a minor problem.

Been married, had long term relationships but now all of a sudden telling people she's never wanted to settle and always been very independent and never wants a relationship.

Very financially independent and no money worries, to a few weeks later in mountains of debt and has a 'stupid' credit card that has to be paid back within three months and borrowing (not small) amounts of money off me and 'can't afford a night out'.

I have a Masters Degree in a Social Science subject.
People STILL baffle me and probably always will!

I really feel for you, this kind of thing can be quite destabilising and it's obvious you have so much to offer with the right person, and that you want that kind of closeness and intimacy. So it kind of sucks atm. But I'm also really really glad for you that you weren't sucked in for years of your life.

Sorry, just re-read this, didn't say thank you for the affirmations. It has definitely destablisied me. I feel incredibly stupid for falling for it and for the person she pretended she were. I was happy before. And just in disbelief I suppose that someone could do these things. It's an odd feeling, long term break-ups are miserable obviously but this feels totally different.

I have also had msgs from a mutual friend-I am not convinced with genuine intent, I think she's 'digging' for my ex.

Just caught up. Glad you got the first payment.

I think keeping it light is the way to go. You're not going to get anything 'real' from her - honestly the best thing to do is assume that she is (perhaps unwittingly) insincere in all her interactions. I think @Insanityisnotastrategy has summed it up.

Yes, as long as I continue to get payments from her that's all I want.

I do still want my pjamas and house key back ideally. I have mesgd her a few times asking if she's posted them yet and she's said 'No been really busy' in various forms however I do know from mutual friends that she's been on several nights out, bought herself stuff with money she doesn't have been into town to go to appointments etc and she also drives around a lot for her job! But can't take 15 minutes to go into a post office.

As I've said before, I do have a friend who lives near her who's recently had a baby, so I will go and see her/baby and ask for the key/pjamas to be left in the garden or something for me to collect, if I do not get any joy with her posting them.

Well, we're almost five weeks since she broke up with me and still she hasn't posted my things. I have messaged her a few times asking if she has and been told she hasn't had time-thing is I know she has had time as mutual friends have told me she's been online for endless hours doing some sort of 'competition' thing you can do on Instagram or TikTok (I forget which one) she's also posted about outings, haircuts, nights out etc etc-she also drives around a lot to various towns for work. She's had ample time to enter a post office.
I have asked my friends to stop updating me but one or two of them still do.

As does my Mum! Who met her more than several times, spoke to her a lot and liked her, and now is very annoyed at how she treated me. Anyway, my Mum has said she will drive over herself and collect the items. So this morning I sent her a msg asking if she could leave my things in her garden, as my Mum is getting annoyed and will collect them. She's responded 'I just haven't had time Noodge, I am not a bad person' (on reflections gained from this thread, I immediately thought, who would need to emphasise that they're 'Not a bad person'?

I am trying to get the day off work so that I can go along with my Mum as it just isn't fair. But my Mum has actually misplaced her spare key for my house and has kept asking me about if she's sent the one she had back, so I couldn't avoid telling her about her having not really. Once I get my things back that's another chapter I can close, will not have to speak to her again hopefully, although I have not blocked her on all platforms as she still owes me money, next payment due early next month.

@Noodge I lost your thread.

Did you manage to get your things back?

Yes! She was so angry about it.
Thank you for asking.

What happened were, my Mum lost her spare key for my house and asked me about whether I had my key back from my ex. I said no and explained that she kept saying she'd post my things but not doing. I asked ex again, saying that my Mum wanted the key-they're expensive keys, roughly £18 each.

Again, 'nope not had time been so busy'... blah blah.

So about a week later my Mum offered to drive up and get my things (she's retired obviously) if ex left them safely in the garden. She (Mum) was quite annoyed at ex taking so long, after how she'd treated me, when I'd returned her things first opportunity.

I asked ex to leave the things in the garden and she said she would. I told her my Mum was becoming irritated and I was unable to make any excuses any longer so she'd drive up and get them. Ex was very annoyed about this, very 'short' messages, things such as 'It is NOT fair to get your mum to drive up here for (list of items, Noodge!'

Within ten minutes of this conversation I had a msg saying that she had 'walked out on her job' so would post the items immediately. I ignored this cry for attention, I knew she wouldn't have walked out on her job-she'd probably just told them she was nipping out for half an hour or something. Then I had a msg saying she'd posted them. Then another msg asking me what postage I wanted (?).

I thanked her and left it at that, then once I'd received the things I sent her a msg to acknowledge. She told me that I had 'dropped her even as a friend'. I reminded her that she'd changed her number and never mesgd me again and got 'Oh so It's a me problem, gotcha!'

I responded that it was true, she had changed her number and not contacted me again and that yes, the onus is on her if she wanted a friendship, as she's the one who ended our relationship. Got a thumbs up.

A couple of days ago I had a msg from her asking how I were. I haven't replied-it isn't like me to be impolite and ignore a msg but I seriously have no idea what to say? Lie and say 'I'm fine, how're you?' as if nothing has happened and I am not aware of the fact that she just used me and told me a pack of lies? Tell her the truth that I am still upset at how she treated me but getting there-that would 100% start an argument/get her angry with me again. I have nothing to say to her?

She's apparently trying her best to find a new girlfriend now. And has been bragging (again!) about how much money she's spending on clothes and nights/trips out and her house etc, on social media. I am still wanting £ back from her so I have not deleted her from fb. But I have unfollowed her so i can't see anything she posts anywhere.

Next installment from her is due in a few days. I still feel bloody stupid for falling for her 'player' doctrine but I am becoming happier.

I am not certain why getting my Mum involved was the catalyst for her posting things, she clearly had no intention of doing so until then.

Even That had to be a drama didn't it? But I quite see why you wanted your things back - specially your house key, honestly.

She seemed normal and nice until she thought she 'had' you, when the game playing and honestly something approaching covert hate actions started. I suspect she wants to be seen as nice by everyone except the person she's temporarily fixated. So getting your mum involved was opening things up so her public image was going to be questioned. She wouldn't want that, so it kick started her.

Very possibly.
I live close to my parents and whenever here she always wanted to go and see them. She made a point of becoming close to them both, separately (going to help my Dad in his workshop, spending time talking with my Mum too). She seemed to want a very good bond with them early on. I thought this was a tad odd, but quite nice really, when I thought we were properly 'in it' and going to have a long term relationship-so yes, she will not like it that my Mum is aware of what's gone on but what did she expect? That I pretend to my Mum that all is okay and I am fine with what she's done and her not returning my things-I know she isn't THAT busy, I am not stupid.

I go for a drink a couple of times a week with two older men I know. They're both tradespeople who've done work for me a lot and we just get along well, look out for one another a lot-they both thought she was great and she'd play pool and darts with them etc. They were astounded when she disappeared! But obviously not favouring her at all now and have been a good sounding board for me when I was very upset. Back when she first told me finances were an issue and she'd not be able to come up for a while she insisted that we went to meet up with them as she'd not see them for a long time.

I wonder if she's given any thought to how they view her now, public image in consideration. It's so strange to me, if you treat people badly, in particular those who have good family/friends bonds, then you're going to be thought of negatively, isn't that obvious?

Sorry for typos / grammar, phone is not working properly and I was called into a meeting.

Essentially I think that her returning your stuff when she heard your mum might be involved was about her wanting to not be seen as bad by a stranger.

I bet she's not easy to work with.

I don't imagine she is either-although sometimes people like that are great at work, not so much in personal life situations.

Yes, she very much wanted my Mum to adore her. And my Dad. And my friends, some more so than others.

I think she saw her involvement with me as like a 'holiday'?

She came along, met all my friends and family, had some great nights and days out, a lot of fun, a good summer romance sort of thing. Had me as her 'date' with her family (we did a wedding among other things) I made her look good!

Then she got bored of it, as we often do at the end of a great vacation, It's great but we want our old routine back eventually. Got rid of me and now back to her old ways.

But of course, in her case she isn't happy that my Mum now thinks negatively of her!

I am not sure whether I should've replied to the msg she sent on Friday.

It might be an idea to reply coolly; something like "I'm fine thanks, you?" The coolness doesn't encourage much chat from her side, but keeps the lines of communication open which is a good idea until you get your money back.

It feels like it may be a bit late to do that now? What do you think. I am honestly proud to admit that this sort of scenario is not my forte and I am clueless. 😂

Leave it. It's not worth replying now.

My own worries about appearing to be hostile. I guess if I get anything else from her I could just say I forgot...

I think if you do want to reply and put in a reason for not replying, say 'sorry, missed you message' at the most.

I don’t think you should ask or tell people to change in a relationship. Accept for who they are or walk away. Otherwise it can become quite abusive as you are always pulling someone up.