Asking new partners to change small things about them/what they do

[Noodge]

I think overall generally it is okay to say to someone 'that thing you do, I don't like' when you're first seeing someone. E.G an ex of mine used to play a sport most weekend which meant we couldn't ever arrange to go away or such so I did ask that now and again, this was forewent in favour of spending time on 'us', other players of the same sport weren't there every weekend as they had families and/or other commitments.

Anyway I started seeing someone a few weeks ago and she's asked that I rein in my sense of humour a little in front of others-I admit that I can be a bit crass or vulgar (It's never, ever at anyone's personal expense and is often directed at myself) as it makes her feel a bit uncomfortable.

I've said yes, this is absolutely fine and while I can't promise I'll never ever slip up, I will do my best to be careful about this and think more before I speak.

But, I want to ask her to change something too-she can sometimes be (what I perceive as at least) a bit rude and/or terse in her way of speaking to me (either in person or on text). I might be sensitive compared to others but it upsets me-maybe becuase I'd never speak to her like that.

E.G a few days ago I said that I might go to an event that's every few weeks in a nearby town soon, I'd normally go for its whole four days and stay over but I am just going to go for one day and then at least she can get a taste for it.

'What makes you think I wanna go?!'

(For context, she said she wanted to go for the whole four days the last time this event was on , I bought her a ticket and then she changed her mind saying she didn't want to stop over, too late to buy a one-day ticket so I sold both, so I thought she'd want to go for the one day next time, I didn't just make it up from nowhere).

Another time she said she'd never want to come with me to see certain friends of mine, I can keep them and see them but she doesn't think she'd like them and she has boundaries. I said that's fine of course, I'd never tell her who to be friends with either.
'I wouldn't bloody listen to you anyway!'
I found this rude, I thought I was being nice and 'normal' so I was slightly hurt.
She can generally be a bit moody.

I spoke to my Mum about this who said I am very calm and don't ever lose my temper and don't ever get upset about small things but other people do and I mustn't expect it of them so, I don't know whether I can ask that she's a bit more careful in how she speaks to me or whether I need to have words with myself and just let her be her, even if I am making (albeit small and very doable) changes myself?

Phew, thank you! 😄 X

I don't know how you put up with her nonsense. I would write off the loan and then end the relationship. You're never going to get that money back anyway.

She's ended things with me anyway, and said she will pay me back in installments starting next month. I am over it in a sense but I will be honest and say it has shaken my senses somewhat as she was apparently so keen and said so many lovely things to me. I've had a lot of bad relationship experiences but nothing like this. I really did get my hopes up that we could be something.

The instalments are to keep you connected to her.
She will try to win you back.

When we were msging about the money yesterday I did note that she was perhaps trying to garner sympathy (telling me how hard she was working and it was 'killing her' all the overtime and told me about something she'd lost which she was upset about)? I kept it all clinical/pragmatic. I do want the £ back but so far nothing pertaining to wanting to rekindle.

Do you think? I think she just can't afford it if I am honest
She said she would post my things back to me-I also had a jumper of hers which I posted last week. I asked her if she'd received it, a couple of days later and she said she had and apologised for not sending my pjamas yet. Said she'd do it this weekend.

Our mutual friend hasn't replied to me since I messaged her last Sunday-I think my ex DP has encouraged her to 'take sides' so to speak, which I am a little sad about. With her being able to be vitriolic with me, she's probably told her all sorts of nonsense.

I think, as well as feeling quite shaken up about this situation with the relationship, I am also just missing the interactions and checking in, caring for one another which we did even before dating and now I don't have any of that. I didn't have it before and were fine! But I must actually want it a lot as I got used to it very quickly and now feel quite bereft. I never had much of it in my relationship before this one.

@Noodge , the woman is toxic.

Our mutual friend hasn't replied to me since I messaged her last Sunday-I think my ex DP has encouraged her to 'take sides' so to speak, which I am a little sad about. With her being able to be vitriolic with me, she's probably told her all sorts of nonsense.
She almost certainly has.

I am also just missing the interactions and checking in, caring for one another which we did even before dating and now I don't have any of that.
That is a normal response to splitting up. Fill your day instead of dwelling.
The hot and cold nature of the relationship made you feel needed and gave you something to do, namely keeping her sweet.

But I must actually want it a lot as I got used to it very quickly and now feel quite bereft. I never had much of it in my relationship before this one.
The feeling of being needed is addictive. Your now ex-gf is never going to make you happy.

If you get back with her, it will be the same cycle over and over again, and years down , it will be far harder to cut the ties. You'll be more broken down by her.

The Freedom Programme
The Sunk Cost Fallacy: How It Affects Your Decisions

She almost certainly has.

I can't help but be sad about that. I am not saying I did absolutely nothing wrong throughout our whole relationship, I am human, but I tried-- and she is far from innocent and as she presented as nothing but pleasant in all interactions with us as a group and with me at first, I am sure she continues to with friend, who I really do value. Fingers crossed she is just going along for an easy life rather than believing anything she says. I will just continue to be me and hope that some form of truth gets to friend in the end. We had a great time together as a group, I have some lovely memories of us at pride just a short time ago and this has all been so strange.

I am trying to do just that, making sure I keep busy-I am busy generally so this is fine, but I miss those interactions and I really thought I'd found someone good for me who I could also be good for. I think she's actually a very broken person who needs some therapy and to look at herself properly, the person she presented as and probably presents now to others, is the person she wants to be rather than who she really is.
Luckily (!) she so far wants nothing to do with me it seems-so that will make it easier to get over the whole thing, and over her.

I have done the Freedom Program before and found it a bit too 'hetero' to be helpful but I will have another look at it and will read through the Sunk Cost thing, thank you for your help.

You're welcome @Noodge . I'd describe it a bit like living life as if that little pilot light of knowing that someone cares about you and you about them has gone out.

Definitely a good summary of how I feel! I guess it is something I have always looked for even though I was happy single.

Very much this. You sound like you don't really like each other very much.

i really did (do?) like her. I felt like she was a breath of fresh air, in fact.

Us being 'official'/dating may have been short lived but there was a build up to it in which we got along immensely well, were supportive and mutually caring, she was a lot of fun unlike my previous partner who was very quiet and introverted. I was beginning to think 'maybe this is it, maybe I have found someone' although I wasn't 'jumping the gun' and expecting a fairy tale.

I am still quite discombobulated by the whole thing if I am honest.

It hasn't ever happened to me before, to be so actively pursued 'chased' for months to then the plug to be pulled in what seemed to be a snap decision, not long following and over seemingly nothing. I feel quite used by her, whether that was her intention or not, for sex/money or just validation perhaps. I may never know.

I'll see if she begins paying me back come the 12th. She didn't send my things back last Saturday like she promised so I am going to go and collect them-I am just awaiting an answer from a friend who lives near her-I've asked if I can go and visit her and her family and combine the two so that I am not just driving to ex's house to pick something up out of her garden then all the way back.

I think she's actually a very broken person who needs some therapy and to look at herself properly, the person she presented as and probably presents now to others, is the person she wants to be rather than who she really is.

I'm quite sure you're right, from all you've said; simply the way she presented as one thing and then the reality was something else shows that, also the way she bit your head off.

I feel quite used by her, whether that was her intention or not, for sex/money or just validation perhaps. I may never know.

At a guess, and this is only my intuition, I bet it's half unconscious using, or semi-conscious, for validation. But something is also telling me that this is a pattern with her, that you're not the first person she's done this with at all and there's a degree of somethign quite nasty in there somewhere and that she's old enough to know it. This is a brew you're well away from.

I do agree unfortunately. Ugh. Thank you (ironically!) for validating the way I feel. I don't think she'll ever change as any slight said to her and she becomes angry and apportions blame.

I obviously still need to work on myself and my role in this pattern in relationships- she seemed so different!

I have had a msg from her today asking for my bank details, and saying that the payment would come from a different bank she quoth 'as I have changed my bank'.

This seems suspicious to me as she was so adamant she didn't have any money and had been sorting out all her direct debits etc. a few weeks ago-strange time to change one's bank. I had a feeling this will now be a new excuse why the first payment doesn't get paid-so I messaged back saying 'As long as it doesn't affect payments'. She responded;

'Don't you worry about that'. Sounds sort of 'off', acerbic, flippant maybe?

Guess I can't do anything but wait and see.

I think you will have to play along with this for now but yes, something seems odd. Keep a trail of every interaction - screenshot everything, seriously. Make sure you have the information stored. It's amazing how useful meticulous record-keeping can be when things go pearshaped.

Thank you-I have gone through our old messages and screenshot everything.

From the £1,000 loan and the agreements to pay it back in installments, to the £10 I leant her 'until 17:00 when my Dad finishes work' so that she could buy a takeaway lunch with colleagues, to the £200 I leant her to come up here for a weekend of partying (for an event we were both at, right at the beginning of our relationship). I am someone with numerous letters after her name who is also absolutely bloody stupid.

It wasn't nice searching messages and seeing all of the past ones where she said she was so happy with me and so looking forward to the future and about how great our sex life was.

Something happened last night with a male friend that has shaken me up too. I need a whole life rethink.

You need to do some work on yourself with a counsellor who specialises in abuse as you’ve found yourself yet again another partner who is abusive and if you want to break the cycle you will need help x

I am in counselling, had a session this morning. I really don't know how I ended up with this latest one!

Give yerself a break woman. You really are hard on yourself.

Thank you. It was very foolish of me!
I have now had a msg from her saying she's 'lost my bank details' as she's 'had to change her number as ' a lot of people from work had it and some of them left '.

Sounds like utter tripe to me. I mean, wouldn't you have already have set the standing order/payment up? Wouldn't you have screenshot the msg before changing the number (on WhatsApp).. stalling tactic IMO.

She'll be making excuses till you get fed up and leave her alone.

I began another thread about taking her to small claims court. I don't believe her. Who changes their number nowadays?! Unless there is some serious situation or one is a victim or a heinous crime.

I have a friend who speaks exactly like this to absolutely everyone and it comes off just as you describe. BUT as one of her oldest friends (going on 25 years now) I know she means it in a flirty friendly wink wink kind of way even when it doesn’t land like that. Is there a possibility this is the case here? If so, maybe push back in the moment. You could make a pained facial expression/ look hurt. Or ask how she meant that to land? Or what does she mean by that? Tricky but I think communicates your feelings about how she’s speaking to you in the moment, rather than having a Big Talk about what she says.

I think you have to give her your bank details one last time along with a warning that you expect the repayments to start within two weeks or you will be taking steps to get the money back.

Okay. I was going to send a letter before action and also attach it to an email.