Asking new partners to change small things about them/what they do

[Noodge]

I think overall generally it is okay to say to someone 'that thing you do, I don't like' when you're first seeing someone. E.G an ex of mine used to play a sport most weekend which meant we couldn't ever arrange to go away or such so I did ask that now and again, this was forewent in favour of spending time on 'us', other players of the same sport weren't there every weekend as they had families and/or other commitments.

Anyway I started seeing someone a few weeks ago and she's asked that I rein in my sense of humour a little in front of others-I admit that I can be a bit crass or vulgar (It's never, ever at anyone's personal expense and is often directed at myself) as it makes her feel a bit uncomfortable.

I've said yes, this is absolutely fine and while I can't promise I'll never ever slip up, I will do my best to be careful about this and think more before I speak.

But, I want to ask her to change something too-she can sometimes be (what I perceive as at least) a bit rude and/or terse in her way of speaking to me (either in person or on text). I might be sensitive compared to others but it upsets me-maybe becuase I'd never speak to her like that.

E.G a few days ago I said that I might go to an event that's every few weeks in a nearby town soon, I'd normally go for its whole four days and stay over but I am just going to go for one day and then at least she can get a taste for it.

'What makes you think I wanna go?!'

(For context, she said she wanted to go for the whole four days the last time this event was on , I bought her a ticket and then she changed her mind saying she didn't want to stop over, too late to buy a one-day ticket so I sold both, so I thought she'd want to go for the one day next time, I didn't just make it up from nowhere).

Another time she said she'd never want to come with me to see certain friends of mine, I can keep them and see them but she doesn't think she'd like them and she has boundaries. I said that's fine of course, I'd never tell her who to be friends with either.
'I wouldn't bloody listen to you anyway!'
I found this rude, I thought I was being nice and 'normal' so I was slightly hurt.
She can generally be a bit moody.

I spoke to my Mum about this who said I am very calm and don't ever lose my temper and don't ever get upset about small things but other people do and I mustn't expect it of them so, I don't know whether I can ask that she's a bit more careful in how she speaks to me or whether I need to have words with myself and just let her be her, even if I am making (albeit small and very doable) changes myself?

While you are busy distracting yourself trying to ‘understand’ this woman’s behaviour, you are ignoring why you are trying sooo hard to fix fundamental incompatibilities. You are dating, the whole part of dating is to find out if you are compatible. As time has gone on, it’s clear that you aren’t, which is when you move on. In divorce language, you have irreconcilable differences. Time for a clean break.

I accept that I 'sulked' although at the time I just thought 'You never speak to me like that, something must be wrong' and thought we'd talk later and sort it out as up until that point we'd only ever had good things to say about/to each other. Despite not knowing one another long, we've done quite a bit together (she's been a plus one for me at two events, I have for her at one with her friends) and we've been so happy at those. I am mindful that I'll never 'sulk' again although hvaing typed that, I am wondering if this being the person she is, had I approached it and said I was hurt by her words, would she have just flown off the handle at me? Meaning I wouldn't have got anywhere either way?

Yes, that's not my way. Were it the other way around I'd have said 'To be honest, I just don't think that's my thing darling-can you take a friend instead' or similar. Although to be honest I am very easy going and even if an event wasn't my 'thing' I'd go anyway-I tend to be happy wherever as long as I am with people I like.

You're not a mug. You sound like a really decent person, so you assume other people will be as well. It's probably good to talk it over in therapy, both in terms of boundaries and also because you shouldn't be blaming yourself here.

OP - here’s a story which shows our complete incompatibility.

Everyone - yeah, it’s not going to work together.

OP - ok, here is a different story which shows our complete incompatibility.

Everyone - but…….

It won’t work, you’ve not been together long and you’re showing really basic ways in which you both work very differently. You were happier before and you can be happier without her, whether that’s alone or with someone else. It’s not even worth working on.

Yes, I understand that.
I suppose I just struggle to see how being so short-tempered and flying off the handle over small things, or misunderstandings can work for any potential partner someone like that has.

And of course I am disappointed. It took me a lot to say 'yes', honestly if you looked at our communication beforehand she was so persuasive but I was very firmly 'no' for months before I listened to her and thought 'yes, she seems lovely, I could be missing out here'. And we had such a great time together-I couldn't understnad how (even with my 'sulking' ie not responding straight away, her first port of call was 'Right that's it, over' after how great everything had been. It seemed so odd.
She also told me how she was proud of how 'strong' she'd been to do that, once we had talked about it and decided to be together. I didn't see it as strong at all, I saw it as quite immature.

Honestly OP it’s pointless trying to fathom why she has reacted the way she has or why she seems to have suddenly changed. The only thing that is important here is that the current version of your relationship isn’t making you happy. So why continue?

I understand that. I am now wondering HOW to end it, what to say to her-she's going to be so angry I think even though she's hardly seemed to remember I existed, or any of our usual communication, since her first outburst at me, and her being ill and the financial strains occurring. I guess a small part of me wishes that things would just go back to how they were, I was so happy at first, and wondering if the finances/her being back at work is temporary and then things'll be fine. Although she has said it'll take her 3 months ish to get finances straight.

“Girlfriend, I’m really sorry but I feel this relationship isn’t working for me. We’ve had a great few weeks but I’m going to leave it there I think. All the best, Noodge.”

Keep it simple but firm.

Here’s what you say -
“Sorry, I just don’t think this is working out anymore, we both seem to want different things. Bye.”
Thats it. You seem to overthink everything when some things are just simple and straightforward. (also, your mum is likely to be very biased about your failure at relationships, and stop being vulgar and crass even if it is about yourself. It’s not funny!)

If you think she’ll react angrily then you can tee up with a message first: “I need to talk with you about our relationship and unfortunately I don’t think you’ll like some of the things I have to say. I’m happy to do this over a coffee somewhere, or if you prefer we can have a phonecall.” Don’t agree to meet in private. If you receive angry or aggressive responses by text, which make you feel as though an in person break up or call would be unwise and unproductive, it’s then perfectly acceptable to end things via message.

However it happens, you just need to be reasonable and rational: you feel that you have a lot of incompatibilities, and that you’ve recognised you’re already trying to change each other, which is not a good sign early in a relationship. You’ve been upset and hurt by her outbursts and her lack of communication, and neither are things that you think belong in a healthy relationship. It’s better for both of you that all this has been recognised early on. If you feel the need to block her number afterwards because she’s behaved badly throughout this exchange, tell her that you’ll be doing so, then do it and stick to it.

A few weeks in. Your both wanting to change each other. You're not compatible.

It's my experience that people who feel the need to tell you how easy-going they are, are absolutely not easy-going. I also wouldn't want to be with someone who talked to me the way she is and I've never had someone I know talk to me that way - maybe consider why you would allow it.

It's incredibly immature unless you're both about 15! Am I right in thinking you went a day without texting and she dumped you? Honestly, she's unstable and manipulative. The idea here is that you'll be so afraid of 'losing her' that you'll bend over backwards to change your behaviour and prevent a repeat. And given how sensitive and conscientious you clearly are (neither of which are negatives btw!), this was quite effective.
This is also used to raise the emotional temperature and make you emotionally dependent on her - by blowing hot and cold, creating highs and lows which your brain interprets as a 'passionate' relationship when really it's just crap.

yes that's what she did-I hadn't replied as her mesgs were very terse (so I interpreted) and quite upset me. I was also busy though-and assumed we'd talk later and iron things out.

That is a good point. I never told her I am easy going-It's evident in the way I act, how when we've spent time together I was always happy no matter what-I helped her by staying over when she was ill, bringing her drinks etc, I never get annoyed-I am generally a happy person who doesn't get annoyed about things easily and makes the most of life-but it turns out that she is anything but easy-going I guess-yet told me she was repeatedly.

I have said this a few times but I'd have never have tried to change anything about her per se-I just thought that perhaps her saying she'd like me to change something, meant that I could appraoch it-then I thought I'd ask on here. I think it is quite common to compromise once you decide to be with someone, and my sense of humour wouldn't be an issue to change, as I have said I already curb it a lot naturally without even thinking, if I am in certain situations, it isn't a huge part of my personality or anything, well it is, but not the particular parts of it she doesn't like.

I didn't have to approach her though. She finished with me not long after my last post on this thread citing that she needs to concentrate on herself and sort her routine and financial issues out.
She was totally crazy about me (supposedly) and as I've said, persued me for months, and then I said yes and we just had some amazing times-I feel stupid, because I'd never let things move so fast with anyone before, ever. But I did this time because we seemed so 'right'. Until that day when she lost her rag with me over what I felt was nothing. We had 'the talk' about deciding to be together after a few weeks, and be exclusive and 'all in' and I really believed her.

Not on paper, but in relationships it appears that I am a total idiot.

As an aside, we did speak on the phone after she'd told me she needed to be alone to sort finances/routine etc, and I was visibly upset and told her I had been very upset about her cooling off. She asked me why I hadn't told her? And I said becuase she'd have lost her temper with me and she took great offence at this (the irony) and then said she had to go before she got upset and angry.
I sent a text apologising that she was upset and had a mesg back about 'accusing' her of being angry etc and saying to just keep it friendly and only mesg one another in the group chat from now on.

I have archived the group chat, it was a new thing for me a few months ago and I can do without it.

We had gone a bit beyond dating, I appreciate that it was fast, which is totally not me at all, but we had decided to be together and were thinking about the future. I mean, I have always taken things slowly in the past and things have gone horribly wrong then!

Yes, I really have found her rude and objectionable several times-albeit she was always so so nice when we began getting to know one another and then took things further. Never saw any signs of it until the msg where I went quiet hoping to talk about it later but she just got angry and finished with me for that-saying I had 'Stopped talking to me for NO reason other than I have been ILL!!! ' or something such as that.
And I was quite hurt when I suggested she saw a specialist for a health issue and she snapped at me, I genuinely didn't like seeing her in pain and again, I'd never speak to a new partner (or anyone) like that with very few exceptions.

Since my last responses, she has sent me a msg asking if I have unfollowed her on social media. I have, and I responded that yes, seeing her posts was causing me upset. She's then said 'Why upset, I am no different!'

What has that got to do with anything? 'different'?
She then said she's unfollowed me back. Fair enough, I don't want to see her posts. I feel like I got my hopes up, stupidly, and then the rug was ripped from under me. But each day feels like it will get a little bit easier.

I recognise myself in the way you describe her, and I know I do it because I am not good at - oh I do hate this way of speaking but - I am not good at being vulnerable, being straight, and saying how I feel. So I couch things in similar throwaway comments.

You Perhaps need to be vulnerable first and tell her how these things make you feel. At that point all you can do is see if she respects your honesty and joins you at that level.

Fuck me, @Noodge , honestly, you got caught by an unstable woman.

Never mind what she said, look at how she acted.

• pursued you for months, hard
• Really nice, not a hint of volatility or touchiness issues or anger issues
• 'Caught' you and then things started to change. Touchy, had you walking on eggshells, had you guessing, had you afraid to speak about things you were unhappy with
• Spoke to you with severe rudeness
• Egocentric (told you she was easygoimg, which as others have said us never a good sign)
• Financially in a mess
• Turned blame around on you

She may have shown you a shining beautiful version of herself at first, but the real person was filled with claws and ego.

Two useful rules about seeing below the surface-

1. what does someone get angry about, and how do they handle it when they do?
2. how do they treat people of no importance to them?

Also .... it's a lovely thing to take relationships seriously, but in your case, honestly you overthought this.

I hope you find someone who -is- worthy of you, you sound lovely.

She sounds like a dick.

I have spoken to a couple of close friends tonight about this situation and they've said a lot of the same.

I feel so stupid! We seemed to really gel but I see now, that that appears to have been a false personality-a 'mask' if you will.

Thank you.

I guess I can walk away knowing that I treated her well and did my best, I am not perfect of course but I tried to be good to her.

Back to being the singular me again!

It sounds like she liked the chase, but now she has you and It's obvious that you are very into her that she's gone off you.
Edited - just read your update, sorry.