DH sore on penis - am I in the wrong?

[ALineOrNot]

So bit of back story. DH and I together for 3 years, married for around 18 months. We’ve had some history of him being what I class as overly friendly with women from work, just messages and being ‘supportive’, sending hearts in response to their Facebook stories (which I can’t now see as they’ve timed out so I have no reassurance when he says it was just general photos)

So in short, there isn’t much trust from my end. I know a marriage isn’t great without trust but here we are.

We have a very active sex life and have recently moved house where we have a walk in shower, we have spent a lot of time using soap etc together in there - this is all relevant!

Yesterday he came to me and said he had a sore on his penis. He showed me and it was under his foreskin, more on the shaft. It was about the size of a 1p coin and looked like an ulcer, whiteish in the middle. It didn’t look crusty or had pus etc.

I told him that he needs to see a GP or get tested. I was calm but told him that I won’t be having sex with him until it’s sorted as there are 3 options really - it’s something from before he met me which means did he knowingly have sex with me keeping this hidden, he’s caught something while he’s been with me or it’s another medical issue which needs sorting.

He said I’m completely overreacting and it’s probably a reaction from all the different soap etc in the shower?

So I don’t drip feed - he WFH and I take the car to work every day. He doesn’t go out drinking etc so I have no idea when he would cheat but it’s not impossible. I’ve also had 3 missed miscarriages which might be clouding my judgement as I know that if he’s given me an STI which has been symptomless then it could have contributed

I’ve tried googling what STIs look like and nothing looks like what he has ☹️

I'm sorry did you read the thread? He went & got tested and has herpes which he did not catch from OP.

Excuse me?

I never accused him of cheating - I simply told him that it could be a STD and to get tested. Which he did and it turns out he has herpes.

Any thoughts I had I expressed here rather than to his face as I didn’t want to confide in friends that my husband might have a STI, which he definitely didn’t catch from me.

He’s now saying he might have caught it from me so apologises if the red flags are flying a bit 🙄

The online discourse around STDs is always a bit touchy OP, don’t take it personally.

He may have had a breakout of herpes in the past that is only just reactivating now, or this might be the primary outbreak and he’s caught it recently. There’s no telling for sure.

The important thing is you stood your ground, got him tested, and are looking after your health. You’ve done the right thing.

You are not wrong to feel angry or upset. His behaviour towards you from what you’ve described is abysmal.

Have either of you ever had cold sores OP? If so he could have transferred the virus to his genitals via either oral sex or by using spit as lubricant. Herpes can also lie dormant for a long time. It can dangerous for newborn babies if the mother has a primary infection active during childbirth but I don’t think it’s particularly associated with miscarriages.

Thank you

I know I have a lot of feelings tied up with my MMCs. One of them caused me to haemorrhage and it was a very scary time. I have trouble having a smear because it brings back memories of what they had to do to stop me bleeding. I know that going to have STD tests is going to bring all that back so I’ve ordered a home test which also includes a blood test you can do yourself. I can’t face going to the clinic.

Him knowing what I went through just makes me so angry. I know the two might not be linked but in my head they are, this has jeopardised my sexual/reproductive health and I find that all very hard.

Sorry for venting here, I just don’t want to talk to anyone in real life because I feel so embarrassed

Oh.
My bad, that will teach me to skim through the thread on my lunch break.

Please accept my apologies. I was not up to date to the latest development.
100% with you!

No cold sores or anything like that

No worries, I do the same sometimes 😊

The bottom line is you don’t trust your husband.
You want children but are sadly not in a position to have them with your husband and believe that he could have passed on the herpes to you whilst you were going through the trauma of miscarriages.
Please get tested and prioritise yourself but it does sound like your marriage is over.
Wishing you strength 💐

FWIW I had a cold sore once- I’ve only had one my whole life. I know someone who has herpes infection and it breaks out at times of stress; I could be wrong as not a doctor, but if the genital version is similar to the oral, it’s possible that this is a historic infection, not necessarily indicative of any bad behaviour on his part.

The person I know has had 3 children so no impact on fertility.

I hope this works out well for you, it is obviously a very difficult time for you.

There is definitely some deflection going on.

He has been WFH all day whereas I’ve had today off as working weekend. He hasn’t spoken to me all day. Came downstairs about an hour ago and asked if I was ready to apologise. I said I didn’t have anything to apologise for as he is the one with herpes. He started saying it could have been me that gave it to him. As I was saying I was negative and angry that he could have given me bloody herpes he said “good, I hope I have and I hope it fucking burns”

who the fuck says that?? Am I being over sensitive here to be blown away by that?

I’ve left the house and I’m sat on a bench in the park 😢

@ALineOrNot You aren't being sensitive, that's nasty. I couldn't come back from that comment and I would end the marriage on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Sorry.

It’s over, OP. I’m so sorry. The ‘I hope I have and it burns’ comment is it. He’s been caught and he hates you for it.

He's disgusting. I don't know how you could possibly come back from that comment, or why you'd even want to try.

It’s shocking isn’t it. I can’t quite believe that he said it.

I was doubting whether it was actually that bad but I can see others agree with me. Thank you

Wow, what a charmer. How dare he ask you if you’re ready to apologise. This would be the final straw for me. I don’t throw this around like many on here but please LTB

That's terrible, OP. He sounds like a nasty, irresponsible man. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Please leave op. You deserve so much better than this.

There would be no coming back from that latest update for me.

I'm so sorry OP. Fair enough he'll be understandably embarrassed he has an STD and I'm sure it's a shock for both of you that he's has this for a while undetected however he's got no right to speak to you like that. Him saying he hopes you have it and that it burns is disgusting.

Honestly, as someone with GH, one of my biggest fears is passing it on to my DH.

we’ve been married for 10 years now, but any signs of an outbreak, I go on lockdown because theres no chance I’d ever increase the risk of him catching it.

Most people who care about their partners will do what they can to protect their health. He doesn’t care about you at all.

im sorry x

I’m so, so sorry, OP. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and the way he’s behaving and what he has said is horrific. I’m not surprised you took yourself out of the house. Do you have a nice friend or family member you could go and stay with tonight?

My heart is fucking breaking OP. What a disgusting thing to say to you. You might not be ready to consider this, but I would honestly be planning my exit from this prick.

Wow. I’d be booking in with a divorce solicitor tomorrow.

And packing his bags/kicking him out after that comment…