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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH sore on penis - am I in the wrong?

281 replies

ALineOrNot · 10/08/2025 18:36

So bit of back story. DH and I together for 3 years, married for around 18 months. We’ve had some history of him being what I class as overly friendly with women from work, just messages and being ‘supportive’, sending hearts in response to their Facebook stories (which I can’t now see as they’ve timed out so I have no reassurance when he says it was just general photos)

So in short, there isn’t much trust from my end. I know a marriage isn’t great without trust but here we are.

We have a very active sex life and have recently moved house where we have a walk in shower, we have spent a lot of time using soap etc together in there - this is all relevant!

Yesterday he came to me and said he had a sore on his penis. He showed me and it was under his foreskin, more on the shaft. It was about the size of a 1p coin and looked like an ulcer, whiteish in the middle. It didn’t look crusty or had pus etc.

I told him that he needs to see a GP or get tested. I was calm but told him that I won’t be having sex with him until it’s sorted as there are 3 options really - it’s something from before he met me which means did he knowingly have sex with me keeping this hidden, he’s caught something while he’s been with me or it’s another medical issue which needs sorting.

He said I’m completely overreacting and it’s probably a reaction from all the different soap etc in the shower?

So I don’t drip feed - he WFH and I take the car to work every day. He doesn’t go out drinking etc so I have no idea when he would cheat but it’s not impossible. I’ve also had 3 missed miscarriages which might be clouding my judgement as I know that if he’s given me an STI which has been symptomless then it could have contributed

I’ve tried googling what STIs look like and nothing looks like what he has ☹️

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 19/08/2025 09:55

Oh, I'm sorry, OP. What has he said about it? Do you know for sure he had a previous outbreak and ignored it?

And this is not meant as a dig at you at all, but did you both get tested before having unprotected sex, whenever that was in your relationship? If you did, and he was clear, then it suggests he's cheated.

One of my best friends has herpes, she's had it for decades, since we were teenagers having casual unprotected sex with randoms we met in clubs - she's the reason I stopped having unprotected sex unless I was in a relationship and we were both tested!

Original poster
ALineOrNot · 19/08/2025 09:56

It’s definitely not from me. I had a negative STD test not long before I met him due to thinking I had one but it was thrush 🤦🏻‍♀️

Knowing what he’s like I can believe he’s had an outbreak before and ignored it

I know this probably isn’t right but I just feel icky about him now and feel like this is a definite dealbreaker for me. Plus I’m really cross that I have to go to an STD clinic and say my husband may have given me herpes, it just feels horrible.

he is taking no responsibility for it. He’s saying he might have caught it from me (even though I’ve explained he couldn’t have done) and can’t see how upsetting it is to have caught herpes from your husband.

OP posts:
Scarylett · 19/08/2025 09:58

ALineOrNot · 19/08/2025 09:56

It’s definitely not from me. I had a negative STD test not long before I met him due to thinking I had one but it was thrush 🤦🏻‍♀️

Knowing what he’s like I can believe he’s had an outbreak before and ignored it

I know this probably isn’t right but I just feel icky about him now and feel like this is a definite dealbreaker for me. Plus I’m really cross that I have to go to an STD clinic and say my husband may have given me herpes, it just feels horrible.

he is taking no responsibility for it. He’s saying he might have caught it from me (even though I’ve explained he couldn’t have done) and can’t see how upsetting it is to have caught herpes from your husband.

I feel for you. Him not taking responsibility and trying to blame you might just be the last straw for you.

Original poster
ALineOrNot · 19/08/2025 10:00

Scarylett · 19/08/2025 09:58

I feel for you. Him not taking responsibility and trying to blame you might just be the last straw for you.

Show quote history

It’s a pattern of not taking responsibility. He does the usual ‘I don’t know how that happened’ - no responsibility for messaging a woman who was obviously interested in him, no responsibility for following OF on his instagram, no responsibility for giving support to female colleagues while I barely had an emotional support during my MMCs.

i feel like I have nothing emotionally left in regards to him

OP posts:
Original poster
ALineOrNot · 19/08/2025 10:00

Scarylett · 19/08/2025 09:58

I feel for you. Him not taking responsibility and trying to blame you might just be the last straw for you.

Show quote history

It’s a pattern of not taking responsibility. He does the usual ‘I don’t know how that happened’ - no responsibility for messaging a woman who was obviously interested in him, no responsibility for following OF on his instagram, no responsibility for giving support to female colleagues while I barely had an emotional support during my MMCs.

i feel like I have nothing emotionally left in regards to him

OP posts:
teenmaw · 19/08/2025 10:03

Yeah he may have had it years but if he had, he’d know. Only you know whether to trust him or if you can even if you wanted to. As an old hat with a crappy husband, I say where there’s smoke there’s fire. You already didn’t really trust him, now this…trust your gut whatever it’s telling you. If it was me and you don’t have kids yet, I’d be calling this a false start and moving on

RealEagle · 19/08/2025 10:18

Herpes can lay dormant for decades with no symptoms

Zebedee999 · 19/08/2025 10:23

ALineOrNot · 10/08/2025 19:07

Thanks guys

it didn’t look like thrush to me, it wasn’t red. It looked just like a mouth ulcer but on his penis 🤷🏻‍♀️

it’s good to know that it doesn’t sound like an STI but I still want that reassurance and I’m not prepared to put myself at risk just in case.

@Mousehi you’re right, I don’t think I’m particularly happy.

A man's foreskin can get red and sore from too much use (especially anal unlubricated due to tightness and bacteria).

It may be nothing sinister but you are doing the right thing. Do not take risks with potential STI.

lunaswand · 19/08/2025 10:44

according to google - It's possible to have herpes for years without knowing it. Many people with herpes are asymptomatic, meaning they don't experience any noticeable symptoms. Some people may have mild symptoms that they don't recognize as herpes, or the virus may remain dormant for extended periods, only reactivating later.

So it seems him claiming he didn't know is plausible, I think it's down to just how much you trust him OP

Clarasmum444 · 19/08/2025 10:47

Herpes can lay dormant for years, I've read before up to 15 years. Most people don't know who they caught it from as its also not tested for during sti tests unless there's an active outbreak.

Sorry you're going through this op

Typicalwave · 19/08/2025 10:56

Has your husband ever had an STD test before now but after you met? If the answer is ‘yes’ and it came back clear then you have your answer as even dormant herpes shows up in an STD test.

Im sorry, OP. It seems like he has other behaviours that leave you feeling yoi cannot trust Jim’s even without this latest thing.

Maddy70 · 19/08/2025 11:03

Firstly don't panic. You can carry herpes without ever having an outbreak. If you do start having them you can take acilivoir as a preventative so you never have an outbreak and you can't pass it on to others.

The biggest issue is honestly your partner, can you continue to be with someone you know is continuing to be unfaithful.?

I would be running for the hills

MadeForThis · 19/08/2025 11:04

He could have had it for years without knowing. But the fact that you don’t believe that shows that your relationship is over regardless.

ThorsRaven · 19/08/2025 11:16

he is taking no responsibility for it. He’s saying he might have caught it from me (even though I’ve explained he couldn’t have done)

Immediately accusing you of infecting him is a red flag to me.

My ex-H gave me chlamydia. His immediate response to my diagnosis was to accuse me of having an affair and of infecting him. It was pure DARVO. He'd been sleeping with anyone that he could and had infected me.

If he'd had it a while and was unsure where it came from, then he'd have been discombobulated and trying to figure out where it came from. But his clear immediate response was that this was all new to him. And it was.

Sorry OP. This must be so difficult for you.

ConstitutionHill · 19/08/2025 11:18

ALineOrNot · 19/08/2025 09:56

It’s definitely not from me. I had a negative STD test not long before I met him due to thinking I had one but it was thrush 🤦🏻‍♀️

Knowing what he’s like I can believe he’s had an outbreak before and ignored it

I know this probably isn’t right but I just feel icky about him now and feel like this is a definite dealbreaker for me. Plus I’m really cross that I have to go to an STD clinic and say my husband may have given me herpes, it just feels horrible.

he is taking no responsibility for it. He’s saying he might have caught it from me (even though I’ve explained he couldn’t have done) and can’t see how upsetting it is to have caught herpes from your husband.

Why is it "not right" to feel icky? He's behaved awfully by not getting tested until you insisted and you think your marriage was in a bad place anyway.

Original poster
ALineOrNot · 19/08/2025 11:35

ConstitutionHill · 19/08/2025 11:18

Why is it "not right" to feel icky? He's behaved awfully by not getting tested until you insisted and you think your marriage was in a bad place anyway.

Show quote history

I suppose I don’t want to offend anyone here who has caught STD from someone, and tbf I could end up being one of those people who has caught it from someone they trust 🤦🏻‍♀️

but I do feel icky about him. I can’t see me wanting to have sex with him again.

OP posts:
StripyShirt · 19/08/2025 11:35

ALineOrNot · 19/08/2025 09:56

It’s definitely not from me. I had a negative STD test not long before I met him due to thinking I had one but it was thrush 🤦🏻‍♀️

Knowing what he’s like I can believe he’s had an outbreak before and ignored it

I know this probably isn’t right but I just feel icky about him now and feel like this is a definite dealbreaker for me. Plus I’m really cross that I have to go to an STD clinic and say my husband may have given me herpes, it just feels horrible.

he is taking no responsibility for it. He’s saying he might have caught it from me (even though I’ve explained he couldn’t have done) and can’t see how upsetting it is to have caught herpes from your husband.

When you were tested for STIs it would probably not have included a test for Herpes, and since around 75% of people with it never have symptoms, you might never know if you have it or not. Contrary to common belief, it can be transmitted at any time, whether or not the carrier has symptoms.

Do you know which type it is? Genital herpes usually has more flare ups than Oral (cold sores), and both can appear at either site. It's also common for flare ups to get less frequent as time goes by. This is just stuff I've found out over the years, I have no medical expertise.

I wanted a test for this several years ago as part of sexual health screening, and had to badger them for quite a while to get a more accurate blood test rather than the usual swab test.

Original poster
ALineOrNot · 19/08/2025 11:36

ThorsRaven · 19/08/2025 11:16

he is taking no responsibility for it. He’s saying he might have caught it from me (even though I’ve explained he couldn’t have done)

Immediately accusing you of infecting him is a red flag to me.

My ex-H gave me chlamydia. His immediate response to my diagnosis was to accuse me of having an affair and of infecting him. It was pure DARVO. He'd been sleeping with anyone that he could and had infected me.

If he'd had it a while and was unsure where it came from, then he'd have been discombobulated and trying to figure out where it came from. But his clear immediate response was that this was all new to him. And it was.

Sorry OP. This must be so difficult for you.

This is what I’m angry about. Instead of being confused and apologetic that he could have infected his wife with herpes, he’s acting like like this

OP posts:
Original poster
ALineOrNot · 19/08/2025 11:37

StripyShirt · 19/08/2025 11:35

When you were tested for STIs it would probably not have included a test for Herpes, and since around 75% of people with it never have symptoms, you might never know if you have it or not. Contrary to common belief, it can be transmitted at any time, whether or not the carrier has symptoms.

Do you know which type it is? Genital herpes usually has more flare ups than Oral (cold sores), and both can appear at either site. It's also common for flare ups to get less frequent as time goes by. This is just stuff I've found out over the years, I have no medical expertise.

I wanted a test for this several years ago as part of sexual health screening, and had to badger them for quite a while to get a more accurate blood test rather than the usual swab test.

Show quote history

My test did include herpes, it was done via blood and swab. They said this was because often it can only show in the blood if there is no active infection at the time

OP posts:
StripyShirt · 19/08/2025 11:40

ALineOrNot · 19/08/2025 11:37

My test did include herpes, it was done via blood and swab. They said this was because often it can only show in the blood if there is no active infection at the time

Show quote history

I'm sorry. You're in a difficult position then.

5andals · 19/08/2025 11:41

Tbh regardless of the circumstances,why would you ever consider putting something with an open ulcer/ wound anywhere near your own bits. If it was on any other part of his body would you go ' hell just rub that on me'. If he's grumbling about it tell him to sort it out.

Scarylett · 19/08/2025 11:47

StripyShirt · 19/08/2025 11:35

When you were tested for STIs it would probably not have included a test for Herpes, and since around 75% of people with it never have symptoms, you might never know if you have it or not. Contrary to common belief, it can be transmitted at any time, whether or not the carrier has symptoms.

Do you know which type it is? Genital herpes usually has more flare ups than Oral (cold sores), and both can appear at either site. It's also common for flare ups to get less frequent as time goes by. This is just stuff I've found out over the years, I have no medical expertise.

I wanted a test for this several years ago as part of sexual health screening, and had to badger them for quite a while to get a more accurate blood test rather than the usual swab test.

Show quote history

The first outbreak of Herpes is so unbelievably painful that you would definitely know you had it.

YodasHairyButt · 19/08/2025 11:48

It’s unlikely in the extreme that he contracted this before he met you and this is his first outbreak. Now he’s trying to blame it on you. What a twat.

Onthebusses · 19/08/2025 11:54

Oh goodness, ‘mummy my pee pee has a boo boo’ would be the ick of a lifetime for me.

PetiteBlondeDuBoulevardBrune · 19/08/2025 13:03

FFS can you imagine your DH reacting like you did of the roles were reversed? He is worried about something on his penis and your reaction is to accuse him of cheating, suggest STD testing and then be annoyed that he accepts, etc.