DH sore on penis - am I in the wrong?

[ALineOrNot]

So bit of back story. DH and I together for 3 years, married for around 18 months. We’ve had some history of him being what I class as overly friendly with women from work, just messages and being ‘supportive’, sending hearts in response to their Facebook stories (which I can’t now see as they’ve timed out so I have no reassurance when he says it was just general photos)

So in short, there isn’t much trust from my end. I know a marriage isn’t great without trust but here we are.

We have a very active sex life and have recently moved house where we have a walk in shower, we have spent a lot of time using soap etc together in there - this is all relevant!

Yesterday he came to me and said he had a sore on his penis. He showed me and it was under his foreskin, more on the shaft. It was about the size of a 1p coin and looked like an ulcer, whiteish in the middle. It didn’t look crusty or had pus etc.

I told him that he needs to see a GP or get tested. I was calm but told him that I won’t be having sex with him until it’s sorted as there are 3 options really - it’s something from before he met me which means did he knowingly have sex with me keeping this hidden, he’s caught something while he’s been with me or it’s another medical issue which needs sorting.

He said I’m completely overreacting and it’s probably a reaction from all the different soap etc in the shower?

So I don’t drip feed - he WFH and I take the car to work every day. He doesn’t go out drinking etc so I have no idea when he would cheat but it’s not impossible. I’ve also had 3 missed miscarriages which might be clouding my judgement as I know that if he’s given me an STI which has been symptomless then it could have contributed

I’ve tried googling what STIs look like and nothing looks like what he has ☹️

Thank you for your replies

I didn’t sleep very well (unsurprising!) and I’ve got to pull myself today as working all day. I feel absolutely gutted, like there’s a lump in my chest.

I just keep thinking that he has potentially given me something that will impact the rest of my life and he doesn’t seem to be apologetic at all. Even if we split I will need to inform any future partner if I have herpes, it could impact any future pregnancies I have, I could have outbreaks for the rest of my life and he doesn’t get the significance of it.

@TooHigh thank you for sharing your experience. I think the only thing I can do is test now and then look out for symptoms?? I’m working now until next Tuesday so will probably do the home kit as it might turn up sooner. Or just try to get a face to face next week.

@ALineOrNotI’m really sorry you are with such a shit of a man and that you may well have been infected especially when you’ve been trying to get pregnant. If you’ve never had symptoms, I doubt you will test positive but it’s worth getting a STI test anyway because if he lied about this, what else did he lie about.

Be kind to yourself - you have a lot going on and you must be v v stressed. Try and do something nice that doesn’t involve him!

Firstly, I'm glad its not cancer, that is the main thing.

Herpes is one of the most common parasitic virus' - he could have had it for decades and it may only have troubled him briefly and gone away, if he has infected you - and in likelihood he will eventually if you stay together - then it will likely only trouble you occasionally as well.

Its a parasite that survives by hitching a ride on a host, the self same family of virus' that cause cold sores, and we don't have huge emotional reactions to them, or the common cold, or flu, or covid - most virus' are inconsequential, we either beat them off or they come along for life journey.

Not to mention Herpes is rather stunning under the microscope, neither technically alive nor dead, it exists only to replicate itself using a living organism and to pass to the next host.

I really would try to put it to the back of your mind and move on with life - whether you stay with your DH long term for other reasons, well time will tell, but don't let something that doesn't even have a full double helix of DNA!

My DW gave me the pleasure of cold sores, a gift for life!, I'm not resentful and don't love her any less - STIs are irrationally more emotional, but are just the same, they can only exist because we as a species have sex, just as cold sores do because we kiss!

@HonestOpalHelper I think you are really missing the point.

WTF?? So husband has herpes, blames you for giving him it, asks if you're ready to apologise, then says he hopes he's given you it and hopes it burns, slamming doors and generally being very immature about the whole thing. Nah, fuck that.

You deserve better OP ❤️

What point? The guy was unwittingly carrying herpes, had no idea he had it, quite possibly had it for years. Possibly has infected his wife. That's how it works, that's why it is one of the worlds most successful virus' because it has evolved to lay dormant so not indicating to its hosts or their partners that its present. Add to that, unlike HPV or HIV it has virtually no long term risks or consequences and it really is a non event.

Now if the Old DH is a dick in other ways, then that's worth her considering, but not the Herpes, interestingly if she does test positive, it does raise the question, to which there is no answer - who got it first!

He's not apologetic.

It's like if you hit another car. No, you didn't mean to do it, but you still apologize and feel bad, because you've damaged someone else's car and now they have to go to the trouble of getting it fixed.

Here it's OP's body, and if this damage is done, it can't be fixed.

And he's not even the slightest bit apologetic.

And it's also very possible that he got it recently through cheating since he has form. And his instant swivel to DARVO sounds very cheater-like.

No disagreement, but the poor old Herpes has nothing to do with it. There is no cure, if she's got it, she's got it, but at the same time its not damaging to the body, so no harm done, she's just got a microscopic passenger on board.

The issues of is it a recent infection from cheating, and the fact he's being a twat are perfectly valid ones, and I think OP needs to look at those in isolation, without emotion over the virus and decide what to do.

If having the virus or not is a big deal to her, if she is negative on testing, then that can also factor into where she goes to going forward.

Further to that, speaking as a chap, my wife would say we all have it in us (men) to be a bit of a child/arse at times, its the frequency and severity of that which counts.

I would question if OPs DH is being a dick becuase:

1/ He's feeling got at, because he's no idea where this came from, she's being grumpy with him so he's reverted to teenager knob

2/ He knows exactly where he got it, recently, and is doing his best man child act on purpose to bounce it back to her.

3/ He's immature / dick, whatever, and the relationship is doomed herpes or no herpes.

Did not not read through the whole thread? She had tested negative for herpes when she met her husband. Either it has been dormant in him for years or he has been cheating. It is his response to the whole episode. Not only is he not apologetic ,but he told her he hopes that she catches it from him and that she suffers because of it.

@ALineOrNot I had thrush, I thought it had cleared up. It hadn’t. My husband caught it from me. It looked exactly like your describing on him. The day after we had sex, we had sex again and well other stuff. I then had oral thrush too. So it was 100% thrush. Chemist also confirmed it was thrush. My symptoms I thought had gone! Clearly not.
My husband also got out the shower and was like omg what do you think this is.

Just to be clear, I had herpes for the first time after being married for 9 years. It lay dormant.

If my husband treated me the way you are treating yours that would be the end and I'd make sure he was never happy again a day in his life

🤣🤣

Wow, sounds like you’d make a great couple!

OP I’m sorry you’re having such an awful time and that your partner is treating you so badly.
I think it would be helpful for you to make your own appointment at a GUM clinic to get unbiased information and advice on this situation.
Because herpes can sometimes lie dormant for years they won’t be able to give you a definitive answer to the question of whether or not your husband has cheated. But they will be able to help you understand your own risks from having been exposed.
A few things you might not know about herpes :
Cold sores are herpes too. Herpes is caused by a virus called Herpes Simplex. There are two variants - HSV1 and HSV2. Historically, HSV1 was associated with cold sores (around the lips and nose) and HSV2 with genital herpes. And coldsores were seen as annoying but benign and herpes as a stigmatized STI. Which says more about morality and views around sex than anything else. Today, because oral sex is popular, we’re seeing more cases of HSV1 on the genitals. But both variants can occur in both locations.
Herpes Simplex is part of a whole family of viruses that includes chicken pox/ shingles and roseola. These viruses have a primary infection phase, then they stick around in your nerves and can cause reoccurrences of symptoms. That’s why chickenpox can cause shingles later in life.
Herpes really isn’t a issue when you’re pregnant. I get coldsores sometimes. I got the virus from kissing my first boyfriend in my late teens and was really upset and obsessively read all the info about it! Which is why I know all about how it’s the same virus as genital herpes. Years on, I don’t get cold sore outbreaks often but when I’m pregnant, I get outbreak after outbreak in my first trimester (must be hormone or fatigue related). They always ask at booking in appointments about herpes and they never care at all that I get multiple cold sore outbreaks in my first trimester. It doesn’t change anything about my pregnancy care. The one thing they want to avoid is an active outbreak of genital herpes during vaginal childbirth. Because skin to skin contact between the mother and baby can pass on the virus. It’s more problematic if it’s the primary infection because the mother’s body makes antibodies and passes them on to the baby and I guess this process is quicker or more effective for a reoccurrence than with a primary infection. For women suffering from outbreaks of genital herpes during pregnancy, drs would probably prescribe antiviral medicine for a few weeks before her due date, to hopefully avoid an outbreak during the birth. For a women for a primary herpes infection approaching her due date they might recommend a C-Section.
But yeah, for a woman (like me) who carries the virus and is having outbreaks (like coldsores) during pregnancy they do absolutely nothing but write it down on your file with all the other bits and pieces of medical history.
The percentage of people in the world who carry either HSV1 or HSV2 is really high - like 60-80 percent depending on age and location. Not everyone gets symptoms though. Some people have one outbreak and then nothing ever again. Some people carry the virus but never have an outbreak, Those of us unlucky enough to get recurring outbreaks generally find those outbreaks become less frequent and less severe over time.
I’m so sorry this has thrown a grenade into your relationship, but health wise, you will be ok whatever happens in terms of your exposure to the virus and this is really not something that stops women from having children.

Oh I don’t think you can come back from this. What a horrible situation. As someone else has said he could’ve had it for years, and not realised, but his reaction and attempt to blame you is inexcusable.

Thought it’s worth mentioning that a ‘full STD test’ does not actually include genital herpes, so even you’ve probably never been tested for it, and most people have no symptoms so you can never really be sure if you are carrying it or not.

In disbelief at what your DH has been saying though!

I have been tested for it. I remember the conversation I had at the clinic about it and also had a blood test which I was told tests for herpes as it doesn’t always show unless you have an active flare up.

We’re at a stalemate now. He’s not talking to me so I’m not talking either.

It suits me at the moment as I’m busy for the next few days with work. I think he thinks he can just ignore everything and then in a few days we’ll go back to normal, that’s his usual way of solving problems.

I’ve been having some period type pains even though I’m nowhere near due, could this be herpes? I read that it can be higher up near the cervix so I’m concerned. The home test I ordered hasn’t even been dispatched yet and I can’t get to the clinic until Tuesday 🤦🏻‍♀️

Please don’t think too much about that. It’s probably something totally unrelated or stress. I know it’s hard to do, but the more you think about it the more you’ll ‘feel’ something.

You’re right. I haven’t eaten properly for a few days so might be that too. The STD clinic said to keep an eye on symptoms as I can’t get to the clinic so I’m probably more aware of feelings etc. I had sex with him the evening before he showed me the sore so my brain is hyper aware 🤦🏻‍♀️

Is there any way you can get to an STD clinic earlier? Take a sick day. It would help to put your mind at rest maybe.

You poor woman.
He sounds like complete scum.

I can't imagine how you will come back from this.
Protect yourself and mind yourself.

I would have kicked him out by now. These kinds of lies are absolutely not acceptable in any way. It might have happened before you met but maybe it didn't.

As for not accepting any blame for anything, that would drive me nuts, couldn't live with it.

I can’t see a way back tbh. I know if things had been the other way around he would not be accepting of it and supportive. And I know that if I’d given him herpes I would be doing everything to apologise to him, whether I’d caught it years ago or now. Surely if you infect someone you love with something then that’s the right way to act??

I feel so unloved right now. He obviously knows about the MCs and about my PTSD surrounding vaginal interventions etc and it doesn’t matter to him. I feel like I’m being dramatic but he just expects me to be happy about all of this and let him off the hook.

I’m rambling now but I’m so devastated and embarrassed by how he’s acting

Please OP,

Kick him out. Tell him you need space to process this and that he has to leave. There is no comming back from this in your relationship. and you will be better of without this lying piece of crap.