DH sore on penis - am I in the wrong?

[ALineOrNot]

So bit of back story. DH and I together for 3 years, married for around 18 months. We’ve had some history of him being what I class as overly friendly with women from work, just messages and being ‘supportive’, sending hearts in response to their Facebook stories (which I can’t now see as they’ve timed out so I have no reassurance when he says it was just general photos)

So in short, there isn’t much trust from my end. I know a marriage isn’t great without trust but here we are.

We have a very active sex life and have recently moved house where we have a walk in shower, we have spent a lot of time using soap etc together in there - this is all relevant!

Yesterday he came to me and said he had a sore on his penis. He showed me and it was under his foreskin, more on the shaft. It was about the size of a 1p coin and looked like an ulcer, whiteish in the middle. It didn’t look crusty or had pus etc.

I told him that he needs to see a GP or get tested. I was calm but told him that I won’t be having sex with him until it’s sorted as there are 3 options really - it’s something from before he met me which means did he knowingly have sex with me keeping this hidden, he’s caught something while he’s been with me or it’s another medical issue which needs sorting.

He said I’m completely overreacting and it’s probably a reaction from all the different soap etc in the shower?

So I don’t drip feed - he WFH and I take the car to work every day. He doesn’t go out drinking etc so I have no idea when he would cheat but it’s not impossible. I’ve also had 3 missed miscarriages which might be clouding my judgement as I know that if he’s given me an STI which has been symptomless then it could have contributed

I’ve tried googling what STIs look like and nothing looks like what he has ☹️

I can’t go with him unfortunately as I’m at work. I’m just hoping he is honest with me, I will definitely be asking for proof etc

I’m just hoping it’s something ‘normal’ which can just be explained away

It may just be that as you’ve mentioned it he’s concerned something has lay dormant and if you were adamant when you first spoke to him then he’s just decided it’s best to go and to show you the results. Maybe he is thinking it will show it’s not an std and the look was rather more resignation of having to argue the point. I hope I’m right and it’s not an std - but I’d echo what PPs have said about penile cancer too…. Friend of my partner had this and it started as something that he thought was a dodgy std. he would rather it have been that as he ended up having most of it removed.

I hope you manage to book yourself in and can out your mind at rest. It’s very stressful waiting for results.

He won't be given the results there and then. They have to be sent off to a lab. He'll get the results by text or email or letter (his choice). Possibly via a phone call - especially if he has something. It will take around a week

Only 60 per cent of penile cancers are caused by HPV, you can have it and it not be an indicator of cheating. My dad has it and his isn't caused by HPV.
@ALineOrNot I thought it was important that you know this.

@ALineOrNot OP, seeking medical advice is sensible, but it's also important to keep things in perspective. We all have spots, pimples, and blemishes over our body, and the skin of the penis is no different. Some benign explanations for sores on the penis include folliculitis, for example.

I haven’t read the thread but my oh had this…. Turns out he was wanking so much which caused friction 🙃 that’ll teach him!

This made me laugh ‘that will teach him’ 😂😂

😅😅😅 I said that to him aswell, he wasn’t impressed. He has a little scar now too so hope it was worth it!

How are you op?

Also wondering if there's any update/diagnosis by now...

A painless penile ulcer is absolutely classic for syphilis (or lymphogranuloma venereum). I’m amazed how many people are brushing it off as thrush. Soap does not cause ulcers.

Stay firm OP and do NOT have sex until you have proof of testing.

Sorry, didn’t have anything to update until today.

It’s herpes. Not sure where that puts us now apart from me having to be tested.

I’m so sorry OP

He could’ve had it years.
What you need to get to the bottom of is where HE believes he’s contracted it.
Then you need to decide whether you believe him.
It’s easy for everyone on here to say LTB / he could’ve had it ages but ultimately, it’s his behaviour you need to interpret to understand whether he is currently (or has whilst you were together) had an affair.

Im no expert but he could have had herpes for many years before he met you. The first outbreak is usually the worst. This doesn’t sound like a first outbreak to me so it’s probably an infection from many many years ago.

If you do have the herpes virus (and I don’t know if you can be tested without an active outbreak) that proves nothing either since you could have had it for decades too, dormant.

So, it’s up to you to decide what to do.

I’m just very emotional about it right now.

If this isn’t the first outbreak then he must have had one, ignored it like an idiot and then been spreading it about? To me that is so irresponsible.

plus I can’t stop thinking that he has given me this when I’ve been losing babies. Again whether that’s ‘right’ or not it’s where my head is right now

it just smacks of recklessness and feels like the final straw

I just feel like I’m married to an immature idiot who has put my health at risk and that’s not what I want in life

Ah OP I’m sorry xx
However, I do know a few people with herpes (assume that’s genital warts?) and it can lie dormant for years and just shows up when you are under the weather. He may not have known he had it, and I think it’s unlikely (not impossible) to have caused your miscarriages xxxx

Sending love x

Just googled and it says ‘most people with herpes don’t know they have it’ x

@GrumpyCowBag- genital warts and herpes are two different things.

Yep. Completely different.

As others have said, it's entirely possible that he's had it a long time and that it hasn't shown symptoms before, or only minor passing ones, years ago. There are also other possibilities obviously, but I don't think it's fair to necessarily jump straight to him being an irresponsible idiot. That said, the fact that your thoughts are running in the direction they are is quite revealing about where your head is at with the whole marriage. You don't sound like you really want to be with him. Do you think on some level you're looking for an "out"? I can understand you might be feeling disillusioned about him anyway given the messages (which don't sound extreme but still enough to raise doubts in your head).

I’m surprised a herpes blister the size of a 1p didn’t cause any pain. I have GH and when I have an outbreak it’s extremely itchy and then painful and it’s only ever the size of a grain of rice!

He could have had it for years and not known, it also wouldn’t have caused miscarriage, millions of people have GH, but the fact you weee already having doubts about the relationship shows that this is the final straw.

Also, you can’t be tested for GH without an active outbreak. You could be a carrier and never show any symptoms.

i feel for you x

And that’s a perfectly legitimate way to feel. And if that’s your red line crossed, that is totally valid.
He only went to the Drs because you insisted. The chances are he has ignored prior outbreaks. Only he will know, or maybe he wouldn’t if he just buries his head in the sand (immaturely).

edit - didnt realise it was an older thread.