DH sore on penis - am I in the wrong?

[ALineOrNot]

So bit of back story. DH and I together for 3 years, married for around 18 months. We’ve had some history of him being what I class as overly friendly with women from work, just messages and being ‘supportive’, sending hearts in response to their Facebook stories (which I can’t now see as they’ve timed out so I have no reassurance when he says it was just general photos)

So in short, there isn’t much trust from my end. I know a marriage isn’t great without trust but here we are.

We have a very active sex life and have recently moved house where we have a walk in shower, we have spent a lot of time using soap etc together in there - this is all relevant!

Yesterday he came to me and said he had a sore on his penis. He showed me and it was under his foreskin, more on the shaft. It was about the size of a 1p coin and looked like an ulcer, whiteish in the middle. It didn’t look crusty or had pus etc.

I told him that he needs to see a GP or get tested. I was calm but told him that I won’t be having sex with him until it’s sorted as there are 3 options really - it’s something from before he met me which means did he knowingly have sex with me keeping this hidden, he’s caught something while he’s been with me or it’s another medical issue which needs sorting.

He said I’m completely overreacting and it’s probably a reaction from all the different soap etc in the shower?

So I don’t drip feed - he WFH and I take the car to work every day. He doesn’t go out drinking etc so I have no idea when he would cheat but it’s not impossible. I’ve also had 3 missed miscarriages which might be clouding my judgement as I know that if he’s given me an STI which has been symptomless then it could have contributed

I’ve tried googling what STIs look like and nothing looks like what he has ☹️

Soapy hand job I assume

Why have an active sex life with a man you don’t trust?!

Sounds a bit like syphilis, but could be anything. He should get to a GUM clinic..

Sounds like syphilis, hope it’s not. But stay away until he’s tested.

If he has a foreskin he shouldn’t be using soap on his penis, it can cause thrush as it kills the good bacteria.

Is he a runner/active? My husband had this problem recently and it took a while to realise it was chaffage while he was running. Different running pants and shorts solved it once it was fully healed.

Im so sorry you had to deal with all of that.
Please look after yourself, you can do better than a sleaze you don’t trust.
FWIW it does sound like at STI to me.

I thought this. I would still insist he gets tested, though.

That description sounds like herpes

Blimey! 😳 It does say ‘reaction to skin care products’ is possible, but better safe than sorry.

A lesion on the penis that resembles a mouth ulcer requires medical attention, as it is likely caused by a sexually transmitted infection (STI) like herpes or chancroid, or potentially syphilis. Less common causes can include inflammatory diseases, trauma, or a reaction to skin care products. It is important to see a healthcare provider for a proper diagnosis and treatment, as some conditions can lead to serious complications if left untreated.

It sounds like a syphilitic chancre - look up photos and see if similar. He definitely needs to go to sexual health clinic. And you're 100% right not to have any sexual contact until you know.

Use KY Jelly in future for lubrication. Soap should not be excessively used on genitals. That's why they have feminine hygiene soaps for fannies with the correct pH. I've always wondered why they don't have the same for men.
I'm sorry about the situation you're in OP. Once you have established whether this is an STD or not I think you need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart about how you are feeling. Trust is the foundation of any relationship and I think you know that already. Wishing you all the best. 💐

Quite apart from the possible STI…are you TTC? If you are, why, when you are unhappy.

A baby can make a happy marriage happier. In my experience, it rarely makes an unhappy marriage happier.

The problem is you could make that description fit anything from penile cancer to a friction burn from wanking

find out what it is and only then deal with it appropriately

in the meantime keep away from it

That was my first thought. Herpes can stay dormant for years or can be a new infection. And I e never heard of over use of soap causing an ulcer type tho g.

I know this from first hand experience from a cheating bastard that put us both in the Gum clinic (but I got the all clear luckily)

Either way no sex or any other intimacy until this is sorted. And be wary he might not be honest with you if it does come back positive for something nasty.

Aside from getting this checked (and I’d go with him so you can hear the tests etc too) I think you need couples counselling. If you have some trust issues you need to resolve them before you carry on with this marriage

Don't wait for him to get tested, you get tested op. An untreated STI can cause all sorts of issues, especially to your reproductive organs.

Also, he has very much what sounds like an STI. Dirty bird. That would be the end of the marriage for me. Nobody compromises my sexual health!

a. It sounds like it is likely to be an STD
b. Whatever it is, and especially if it's an STD, the chances are that you have it too, so you both need to get down to the clinic or check in to one of the remote testing services
c. Don't allow him to tell you ge got tested and it was all fine. You need to see documentary evidence that he was tested, what they tested for, and what the results are

Plenty of STDs don't have obvious symptoms. For example, syphilitic chancres are generally not painful and you could have them internally and not know. Get yourself checked and have no more sex with him until he's been given the all-clear

Balanitis can be from poor hygiene or irration from soap

Or also could be a cyst from the description. The genetic area can be prone to it from sweat etc.

you're right to be concerned and to ask him to get checked out.

I also think with miscarriages, it could be anything that causes them and would try not to pin on one thing that “could” be a factor

Has he ever had any sores in the past as herpes can lay dormant for years. Though it would be unlikely he would have it without knowing.

Sounds like a friction burn from sex.

My partner has the same problem if he inadvertently uses Lynx shower gel which has "bits" in it.

I’m confused, I thought your reaction was pretty normal - he can easily get tested (both of you, even) and that will help sort whatever is going on while also putting your mind to rest.

Herpes. It can stay dormant for years. Most cases of herpes sores on the genitals is due to the HSV1 strain (cold sores) due to the prevalence of oral sex.

80% of people with herpes will never show symptoms, but still shed active virus, so can pass it on.