DH sore on penis - am I in the wrong?

[ALineOrNot]

So bit of back story. DH and I together for 3 years, married for around 18 months. We’ve had some history of him being what I class as overly friendly with women from work, just messages and being ‘supportive’, sending hearts in response to their Facebook stories (which I can’t now see as they’ve timed out so I have no reassurance when he says it was just general photos)

So in short, there isn’t much trust from my end. I know a marriage isn’t great without trust but here we are.

We have a very active sex life and have recently moved house where we have a walk in shower, we have spent a lot of time using soap etc together in there - this is all relevant!

Yesterday he came to me and said he had a sore on his penis. He showed me and it was under his foreskin, more on the shaft. It was about the size of a 1p coin and looked like an ulcer, whiteish in the middle. It didn’t look crusty or had pus etc.

I told him that he needs to see a GP or get tested. I was calm but told him that I won’t be having sex with him until it’s sorted as there are 3 options really - it’s something from before he met me which means did he knowingly have sex with me keeping this hidden, he’s caught something while he’s been with me or it’s another medical issue which needs sorting.

He said I’m completely overreacting and it’s probably a reaction from all the different soap etc in the shower?

So I don’t drip feed - he WFH and I take the car to work every day. He doesn’t go out drinking etc so I have no idea when he would cheat but it’s not impossible. I’ve also had 3 missed miscarriages which might be clouding my judgement as I know that if he’s given me an STI which has been symptomless then it could have contributed

I’ve tried googling what STIs look like and nothing looks like what he has ☹️

I’m in the spare room. He has tried to talk to me and I told him I couldn’t come back from that comment. He then started directing it back at me, doing the usual “yeah but you said….” I just asked him to leave me alone so he slammed the door and went. I will gather my thoughts more tomorrow as I can’t see him thinking he’s done anything wrong.

Apparently I’ve been appalling because I said I was upset that giving me herpes while I was pregnant might have caused problems. This is unforgivable according to him and he thinks what he said was an ok come back after that I said.

@ALineOrNot that comment he made to you was truly abhorrent. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I hope you get the all clear. Concentrate on that for now. Then Fuck him Off completely. What an absolute cunt he is for wishing that, it’s disgusting and insulting.

You deserve so much better.

@ALineOrNot op he may have had it form years back but the reality is he already behaves life a cheating pig . He lies and can’t be trusted . Now he sounds like a nasty narcissist with his darvo blame game .

Do not take the blame for this . Look out for you . Get tested and find a solicitor .
You deserve way better.

I agree with above poster. How he’s behaved is disturbing. ‘Are you ready to apologise yet?’ Really sent shivers down me. That is NOT okay or normal lovely xx

He’s massively deflecting because he’s embarrassed. That may be because he’s had it ages and this is his first outbreak or that he’s caught it recently.
his behaviour is totally unacceptable. I’m so sad for you as I wouldn’t know which was up if my boot was on your foot.
Always believe your gut instinct x

Jesus op.
anyone that can say that to their wife is a lost cause. Judge people on their worst behaviour because that’s where their true colours lie. Would you ever say anything g so hurtful to him? No? Because you’re not a raging cunt. Please don’t stay for more of this, it’s soooo done it’s just a matter of time when you finally throw in the towel and leave. I’d just go. Sorry, it’s a shit situation for you.

Ugh. He's on the attack because he's embarrassed and panicking and has turned nasty like an animal.

I'd get that sti test asap so you have the solid gold evidence that you are clear.

As much as I completely understand your aversion to face to face STI testing, I think you will be far better going to the sexual health/GUM clinic for your tests. They are very, very, accepting of women (& men) who have had traumatic experiences, much more so than gynae and GPs as a whole, and very skilled in painless testing. You will get much more accurate testing and counselling will be available. You are at higher risk of a positive result because of your ‘D’H’s herpes. Hugs at this awful time.

Leave, leave, leave. Please just leave him. Life isn't supposed to be like this, just endless shit from a man who can't even be faithful to you.

He’s trying to pretend this is YOUR fault and since you know it’s not he’s being verbally abusive. The sooner you are out of this relationship, the better.

Bloody hell - This man is a disgusting piece of shit. I am very sorry op.

Your prince of a DH is doing classic nasty because he is properly guilty - either of not disclosing or of sleeping around. He is now backed into a corner and lashing out. If his response to a stressful situation brought on by him is to kick you, then you’ve probably seen all that you need to. You may want to pack a bag and go stay elsewhere while you consider next steps.

Oh op I’ve just read your updates. I’m so sorry.
i think there are two issues here, the STD and your husbands behaviour.
he could have had herpes for a long time and it could have laid dormant for many years but to blame you is utterly disgusting.
i hope you’re okay this morning

Genital herpes syphillis or penile cancer.
He needs to go to a Sexul Health clinic - they will be easier to access and more knowledgable than the GP.

So sorry - I should have RTFT . Just seen your update ….sorry that he is being an arse about this. Tough times . At least you know…

I would get raging thrush if someone put soap anywhere near my fanny!
Hope that helps...

Ffs. Rtft.

How does he know it burns if he’s never had an outbreak??? Honestly OP you are worth more than this shit of a man.

I couldn’t come back from his nasty comments of he hopes you have it and it burns. That’s unforgivable.

Never mind that on top of that he’s either being cheating, or he’s had it before and knows/buried his head in the sand and ignored. And let you have three miscarriages without mentioning there’s a possibility he’s got a dormant std.

and then tried to blame you and said maybe you’ve given it to him.

Sorry, I’d be seeing a solicitor. I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life and having kids with someone who I know doesn’t have my back/doesn’t look out for me.

If he’s had sex elsewhere and caught it, he might as well just say it, because you don’t have a marriage if you don’t have trust. You might bumble along for now, but it will end eventually.

But that was a couple of nuns wasn't it! 😂😂😂

I hate to tell you this but the herpes testing you will get now may not be accurate. One of my past partners had genital herpes (only discovered after we broke up). I had blood tests done and was given the all clear and I thought I must be fine.

Then 2 years later, having slept with no one else in between, I got what I thought was shingles on my shoulder. GP confirmed it was shingles and I didn’t think much of it. But I happened to get it 4x that year and I started to think something was up. I went to see a private doctor and they swabbed the rash and it was HSV2.

He told me these herpes viruses are clever and can hide in your system for quite some time. I have eczema and had broken skin there and that’s where it decided to come out. Weirdly I’ve never had it on my genitals.

so I would not regard those tests as 100% accurate as your blood is apparently not triggered till you’ve had an active infection - you could well be hosting it unknown till then

Regardless of where it came from (and herpes is one of those sneaky little viruses that can be dormant and go undetected), his responses are far worse than his knob rot.

I hope you've managed to get some rest and are able to draw upon some support in real life today if needed.

Wow has he always been such a baby? So incapable of seeing he might have done something wrong?

You sound very unhappy Op. As the saying goes " The longer you stay on the wrong bus the more expensive it is to get back to where you really want to be" . If my first husband had come to me with something sore on his penis I would have assumed he'd been putting it in other people . My second husband does get a sore thing on his penis ( lichen sclerosis). It would never have crossed my mind that it was an STI. Your gut is telling you something.