DH sore on penis - am I in the wrong?

[ALineOrNot]

So bit of back story. DH and I together for 3 years, married for around 18 months. We’ve had some history of him being what I class as overly friendly with women from work, just messages and being ‘supportive’, sending hearts in response to their Facebook stories (which I can’t now see as they’ve timed out so I have no reassurance when he says it was just general photos)

So in short, there isn’t much trust from my end. I know a marriage isn’t great without trust but here we are.

We have a very active sex life and have recently moved house where we have a walk in shower, we have spent a lot of time using soap etc together in there - this is all relevant!

Yesterday he came to me and said he had a sore on his penis. He showed me and it was under his foreskin, more on the shaft. It was about the size of a 1p coin and looked like an ulcer, whiteish in the middle. It didn’t look crusty or had pus etc.

I told him that he needs to see a GP or get tested. I was calm but told him that I won’t be having sex with him until it’s sorted as there are 3 options really - it’s something from before he met me which means did he knowingly have sex with me keeping this hidden, he’s caught something while he’s been with me or it’s another medical issue which needs sorting.

He said I’m completely overreacting and it’s probably a reaction from all the different soap etc in the shower?

So I don’t drip feed - he WFH and I take the car to work every day. He doesn’t go out drinking etc so I have no idea when he would cheat but it’s not impossible. I’ve also had 3 missed miscarriages which might be clouding my judgement as I know that if he’s given me an STI which has been symptomless then it could have contributed

I’ve tried googling what STIs look like and nothing looks like what he has ☹️

You should both get an sti test together to rule this out. Gum clinics are good for all kinds of genital issues.
Save your outrage for after the results come in or he might not go. Just book an appointment.
I think you're sensible and had the right reaction by the way. Good luck x

A mouth ulcer on his penis is herpes

If you get cold sores on your mouth and you've given him blow jobs recently you could have given him herpes on his penis

It could be herpes if your wife carries the cold sore virus which most people do, and had a viral flare up (which might not involve a visible cold sore) while giving you blow job

You also don't want a new herpes outbreak while you're pregnant, neonatal herpes is deadly

there are 3 options really - it’s something from before he met me which means did he knowingly have sex with me keeping this hidden

Not necessarily, he could have been completely unaware, especially if he’s the type to not bother getting checked out etc

Also PPs are right herpes is very easily transferred from mouth to genitals. You could have the cold sore virus (including unknowingly) and passed it to him that way.

Obviously I would assume that if he'd been cheating and then got this symptom, he wouldn't just show it to you? He'd get straight down the clinic to try and get rid of it? But it's totally reasonable not to have sex with someone who's got a crusty sore on their dick.

It does sound like an STI but I'm not expert. It's certainly something concerning as that's definitely not normal, and you can't just leave it.

The relationship is doomed. Rightly or wrongly you don’t trust him and will always be looking for stuff and living on edge just isn’t sustainable.

He will have deepening resentment at being accused and feeling that you are spying on him and will want to cheat just to get one over on you.

The size of a 1 pence coin? That's pretty big.

A reasonable human being eith nothing to hide would go for an STI check just to put your mind at rest.

And I’d be going for an STI check myself if he’s going to refuse.

Be aware that if it's syphilis, the sore will go away by itself - but that doesn't mean that he's cured nor that he can't infect you. Syphilis doesn't go away without antibiotic treatment

For reference, and this is not from ChatGPT, herpes looks more like a blister and syphilis looks more like an ulcer. The only way to rule both out is medical attention asap - because a syphilis ulcer will disappear naturally within a few weeks but that doesn’t mean the infection is out of his system.

I would show him the reality of tertiary syphilis and try and scare him into going to a clinic.

And I would also divorce him but that’s a separate issue.

@ALineOrNot This is a delicate point but be aware that IF he has syphilis and has given it to you, it can be passed onto a foetus, in the womb , and the child will have birth defects or be born prematurely/ still birth.

As you have had 3 miscarriages, you need to be tested (women can often be symptomless) and push him to do the same.

Sounds like a herpes blister

She says it an ulcer the size of a 1 pence coin and has a centre.
That is not a blister.
It's more like a canker or ulcer.

If it looks like a mouth ulcer, that doesn't seem like a herpes blister to me

Syphilis is a big issue in some parts of the country, like the midlands. He absolutely needs to go to gp or sexual health clinic.

Have you booked your own sti test?

What does he say when you ask him if he's booked his GP appointment?

Spoke to him this morning and said he needed to book an appointment. He said he would ring the GP and I suggested he call a sexual health clinic first because the GP might want to know if it’s definitely not an STD before proceeding?

he then said he would ring the STD clinic - no reassurance that it’s not that, which has upset me a bit. Surely if you knew it wasn’t that you would reassure your wife, I know I would if he suggested I needed an STD clinic.

so looks like I’m ordering my own STD tests. If he comes back positive for something then the marriage is over because he either cheated or knew there was a possibility he had STDs and had sex with me, especially when I was pregnant and having losses 😢

How awful for you, I’m sorry you feel so worried. Herpes can lay dormant for many many years though so could be a previous partner long before he met you . Have a read on it before you make any life changing decisions x

You're a bit muddled.
You suggest sexual health clinic rather than a GP and when he agrees you're unhappy! He can't win, can he?

A SHC is far more experienced than a GP and can do tests there and then.
And if he has a STD it could have been there long before you met 3 years ago.
Many of the worst STDs show something initially then disappear.

I suggest you also get yourself to a SHC because home tests are not always accurate.

I’m not unhappy that he’s agreed. I’m more unhappy with the resignation on his face when I said it, almost like he knows it’s that? Maybe I’m not explaining myself well but if it were me I would be reassuring my partner I think.

i also understand that it can lay dormant for years however if he had blisters over his penis 6 years ago and ignored it like an idiot then he has been potentially infecting others, including me. I don’t see turning a blind eye to serious STD as something I want in a husband, no matter how long ago he caught it.

I obviously haven’t said any of this to him.

OK, chap here, your DH needs to see his GP first as a priority - there is such a thing as penile cancer and it occurs similarly to what you describe.

It is more than likely not that, there are many infections, some sexually transmitted, some not, that can cause such lesions, some not manifesting until years after infection, some much sooner. But in the interests of his health I would advocate getting a GP appointment ASAP to get it checked out.

The GP will be able to tell if it is more serious than an STI, and if it is just an STI (not be belittle them, but most are no longer a death sentence and a few days or weeks will make little difference) advise him to go to the GUM clinic for further tests.