DH sore on penis - am I in the wrong?

[ALineOrNot]

So bit of back story. DH and I together for 3 years, married for around 18 months. We’ve had some history of him being what I class as overly friendly with women from work, just messages and being ‘supportive’, sending hearts in response to their Facebook stories (which I can’t now see as they’ve timed out so I have no reassurance when he says it was just general photos)

So in short, there isn’t much trust from my end. I know a marriage isn’t great without trust but here we are.

We have a very active sex life and have recently moved house where we have a walk in shower, we have spent a lot of time using soap etc together in there - this is all relevant!

Yesterday he came to me and said he had a sore on his penis. He showed me and it was under his foreskin, more on the shaft. It was about the size of a 1p coin and looked like an ulcer, whiteish in the middle. It didn’t look crusty or had pus etc.

I told him that he needs to see a GP or get tested. I was calm but told him that I won’t be having sex with him until it’s sorted as there are 3 options really - it’s something from before he met me which means did he knowingly have sex with me keeping this hidden, he’s caught something while he’s been with me or it’s another medical issue which needs sorting.

He said I’m completely overreacting and it’s probably a reaction from all the different soap etc in the shower?

So I don’t drip feed - he WFH and I take the car to work every day. He doesn’t go out drinking etc so I have no idea when he would cheat but it’s not impossible. I’ve also had 3 missed miscarriages which might be clouding my judgement as I know that if he’s given me an STI which has been symptomless then it could have contributed

I’ve tried googling what STIs look like and nothing looks like what he has ☹️

its probably nothing, but I would go to a clinic and both get tested. That way, you will both know if anything is wrong, and then have a chat with your GP about the miscarriages. depending on your age, there might be tests, or you could be told just to wait.
Do not use soap on your penis or vagina

If he’s worried about the gp you can get test at home kits free depending on your area . They will send them in the post you collect blood sample and they test for many different sti’s you can both check then and it’s postal. Also you can purchase them too as the postal ones do not cover all the sti’s . Better to know what you’re dealing with . Good luck OP

It might not be anything untoward, but he needs checking out by a gp. When DH and I went on holiday to a cottage with a hot tub for a week, my dh ended up with a sore penis. Being in the hot tub with chemicals and sex resulted in it.

It might not be anything untoward, but he needs checking out by a gp. When DH and I went on holiday to a cottage with a hot tub for a week, my dh ended up with a sore penis. Being in the hot tub with chemicals and sex resulted in it.

Penile cancer is definitely a thing he should get checked out for that reason alone. If it were me no sex until he is checked and I would get myself a check up anyway

Obviously you don't trust him. It wouldn't have been my first thought that it was some sort of sexually transmitted disease, just some small skin problem in a very sensitive area. He should get it checked out, you think it's an STI so you are right to abstain from sex, but if you are wrong and he's perfectly innocent he will rightly be pretty ticked off.

‘I was calm but told him that I won’t be having sex with him’

This is ok. If your boundary is no sex until his currently unpleasant penis is proven not to be contagious and healed - that’s ok. It’s not being horrible. It would be the same if he had a stomach bug (presumably?) or other medical condition that could transfer to you.

An ulcer could be a herpes lesion or Syphilis or HPV (which is a form of genital warts - however it can appear as lesions or even a rash).

Your husband’s behaviour on social media sounds creepy and I would be embarrassed by association.

Would you be intimate with someone who had a diarrhoea and vomiting or a fever?

Sorry. That's herpes.

Or syphilis.

Or penile cancer depending how long he's had it.

Sounds like herpes maybe?

DH is prone to penile thrush because of his diabetes. I learned the hard way that sex needs to be off the agenda until it's cleared.

What is important is that some STIs can flare and remiss. Men can get a mild symptom then nothing for years.

Syphilis can lie dormant for years then sores can appear again. If it becomes systemic, it can cause serious issues (including the brain) and death- although that may not be for 40 years. It's a horrible disease.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/syphilis/

You’ve only been together 3 years and there’s no trust! I’d work on that before ttc.

I worry about saying this as I don't want to be accused of scaremongering but I know of a case of penile cancer. I am saying no more except if that was my husband I would be dragging him to the Dr's ASAP

Nope. Not for me. Hence why I suggested it as another example of when sex is a no.
That said, there’s posts on here all the time from people who are sick then carry on as usual so I don’t like to assume.

Sounds like it could be a chancre lesion (early syphilis) , look up pics online although I imagine you’ve already done that

Sorry but it does sound like am STI. It could be herpes, for example, which can flare up years after you first catch it.

Of course he needs to get checked out. Given how he's avoiding this, I wouldn't trust his diagnosis until I'd seen it written down myself.

Goodness, if there's a chance it could be syphilis, he MUST get it checked out asap. He really can't ignore it.

It's ridiculous that he was worried enough to show you but now won't do anything about it, and doesn't understand why you won't have sex with him until it's sorted out.
It's not enough even if it does go on it's own because you still don't know what it is.

It's suspicious that he won't go get it seen by a GP or sexual health clinic, What's he afraid of?

Hold your ground op, ynbu

smegma?

It's not scaremongering at all.

I mentioned it ages back on the thread.

We have a family friend who died from penile cancer. If it gets to the lymph nodes it goes to all part of the body.

I also know someone who had the very early stages and thankfully was caught before it was full cancer.

definitely needs to get to the gp to get it seen to.

I think you should get checked out too just to be on the safe side.

It’s more likely to be something common like Herpes.