DH sore on penis - am I in the wrong?

[ALineOrNot]

So bit of back story. DH and I together for 3 years, married for around 18 months. We’ve had some history of him being what I class as overly friendly with women from work, just messages and being ‘supportive’, sending hearts in response to their Facebook stories (which I can’t now see as they’ve timed out so I have no reassurance when he says it was just general photos)

So in short, there isn’t much trust from my end. I know a marriage isn’t great without trust but here we are.

We have a very active sex life and have recently moved house where we have a walk in shower, we have spent a lot of time using soap etc together in there - this is all relevant!

Yesterday he came to me and said he had a sore on his penis. He showed me and it was under his foreskin, more on the shaft. It was about the size of a 1p coin and looked like an ulcer, whiteish in the middle. It didn’t look crusty or had pus etc.

I told him that he needs to see a GP or get tested. I was calm but told him that I won’t be having sex with him until it’s sorted as there are 3 options really - it’s something from before he met me which means did he knowingly have sex with me keeping this hidden, he’s caught something while he’s been with me or it’s another medical issue which needs sorting.

He said I’m completely overreacting and it’s probably a reaction from all the different soap etc in the shower?

So I don’t drip feed - he WFH and I take the car to work every day. He doesn’t go out drinking etc so I have no idea when he would cheat but it’s not impossible. I’ve also had 3 missed miscarriages which might be clouding my judgement as I know that if he’s given me an STI which has been symptomless then it could have contributed

I’ve tried googling what STIs look like and nothing looks like what he has ☹️

Yes it can, but someone can also show symptoms at the time, but never get tested and then 20 odd years later it’s back. Happened to a friend of mine, she never got tested as it was the early 2000’s and no internet to research, so it came and went, and never darkened her door again until 25yrs later! Now she’s getting frequent flares. In the meantime she may have infected quite a few people inadvertently.

Probably Balanitis. Google it. Its not an STI. Men can get it from pulling the foreskin back a bit far. It'll clear up in a few days with some antibiotic cream.

I agree with the poster who said it sounds exactly like an STD. I don't know how you could get an ulcer on your penis from washing it with soap. I'm really really sorry about your pregnancy losses, OP. That's heartbreaking.

I hope you get checked OP and it’s all okay.

As an aside, exH and I were once in a shower and he decided to soap up his hands and thought it would be erotic to have a fiddle with me. If I’d known he was covered in soap I would have said no. He did stop straight away but, my god, I ended up (from a split second rub) with mega thrush that canestan would not cure, and really bad cystitis. So soap is a definite no.

Don't assume it's an std, any more than he should assume you have an std if you get thrush.

But as you don't what it is, be wise and abstain - and he must get it checked out.

'No sex until it's checked and treated' should be your stance.

That should focus his mind on being a responsible adult.

This sounds like a dreadful relationship. Ugh. And I’d refuse to go anywhere near him anyway, let alone with a weeping sore on his dick. Ugh.

You need to sort out your marriage or end it. It's sad state of affairs when someone has so little trust for their partner that they insist that a sore on a private part is caused by an STD without knowing whether it is. (Of course you are not wrong to not want sex while it's there as it could be infectious even if it isn't an STD.)

Probably in the wrong to jump immediately to STI. Could it be Balanitis? It’s fairly common and not an STI. DH gets this sometimes, and yes it can be a reaction to soap etc - but it can also be fungal (ie caused by thrush) or bacterial. I think it’s fair to insist he sees a GP to get it seen to, especially if he’s not had it before and it’s sore, and fair to say you don’t want sex in the meantime. But you could perhaps be a little bit kinder about it and give him the benefit of doubt unless GP diagnosis proves otherwise. I don’t think he’d be advertising it to you if he had an STD!

On the sore matter, does he use a hair removal cream like Veet or similar?

The thing that stands out is three miscarriages back to back we all know some STIs can cause miscarriage to be more likely tbh I would probably be cold and callous too

PLEASE tell him to see his GP @ALineOrNot .

I have a friend whose DP had very early stage penile cancer.
It's caused by the HPV virus (like women's cervical cancer.) Many more men are getting this now.

It can take years to develop so it's not like an STI where you catch it one day and it's obvious the next.

If the GP is unsure he needs to insist on referral to a specialist.

I would add that although it may be something minor, there are some horror stories around of men with penile cancer who were fobbed off by a GP , given various creams which didn't work and in the end they had surgery and lost a lot of their penis.

He may need a referral to a specialist dermatologist and maybe a biopsy.

If he's using hair removal cream under his foreskin then there's something very wrong...

I get that. I don’t own a penis, l just borrow them, but l do know Veet is messy stuff and has a tendency to get everywhere you don’t intend. Hence the regular Hollywood waxes.

Thank you for the replies

just to answer a few questions - he doesn’t use hair removal cream and when he get soapy in the shower it’s usually just washing each etc rather than using soap to give him a hand job. This is why I’m not convinced by him saying it’s all the soap, we’re not throwing a foam party in there!

We’re now at a bit of a stalemate, with him saying he doesn’t need to do anything about it and it will go away and me saying I won’t have sex until he sorts it out

to be clear, I’m not hysterically telling him he’s cheated. Just that it’s concerning and needs sorting, however I won’t put myself at risk just in case.

That’s a lot for a 36 month relationship; marriage, multiple miscarriages and a man who is over friendly with female work colleagues. Is there a reason why you have fast tracked this relationship?

The gynae horrors women have to put up with (often at the hands of gynaecologists) - yet men would rather risk dying than see a doctor about GI issues. So it's down to women yet again to mankeep.

Penile cancer is a thing. Ask him when his GP appointment will be - and keep asking him. On and on and on.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/penile-cancer/symptoms/

regardless of whether he's going to get checked or treated, you should definitely go and have STI tests - tell the GUM clinic why you're there and they'll be able to point you at the right tests.

I agree with PP - 3 miscarriages in a short period could have happened due to an STI.

When I googled penis ulcer the first thing that came up was Herpes and Syphilis! He really needs to get it checked, and if I was you I would get myself checked too. Definitely don't have sex with him until it's been diagnosed.

and penile cancer. Often under the foreskin.

Regardless of what the sore is, he still shouldn't be putting his dick anywhere in you until it's been checked out and is healed - for both your sakes. It's not about not trusting him; it's about the fact that it's a bad idea to be rubbing your bits against someone else's when there's essentially an open wound. Even if it is what he claims it is, he needs to keep his nob out of you until it's healed.

He should OBVIOUSLY be getting it looked at by a doctor though.

"We’re now at a bit of a stalemate, with him saying he doesn’t need to do anything about it and it will go away and me saying I won’t have sex until he sorts it out"

Hi OP, just another poster chiming in to say he absolutely does need to get this checked out. Like other PP, my first thought was herpes, followed by genital warts - if he has had a wart that has been irritated or the surface of which has been damaged, for example.

Both of these are conditions that do not just go away, and both could have health/wellbeing implications for you if transmitted. Even if it is just a fungal infection from too much soap, he can still give it to you or it could become recurrent.

You are absolutely within your rights to refuse sex/sexual contact for any reason, consent must be mutual, enthusiastic, and continuous. It is 100% normal that doubts over fidelity and concern for your own health would make you want to pause relations.

That really does need checking out promptly. A single painless ulcer like that can sometimes be caused by an STI such as syphilis (called a chancre), but there are other possible causes too. Best thing is for him to go to a GP or, ideally, a sexual health clinic for an exam and tests. They’ll be able to tell him exactly what it is and treat it if needed — and the sooner it’s looked at, the better.

List of possibilities from chatGPT -- in order of likelihood:
Fungal or bacterial infection under the foreskin (balanitis)
Minor injury or friction sore
Genital herpes (though usually painful and in clusters)
Syphilis (often a single, painless ulcer)
Certain skin conditions like lichen planus or eczema-like rashes

I'd suggest you and he look online at penile cancer.

Maybe if he learns that having half his penis removed if it's not diagnosed and treated might give him the push he needs?

Penile cancer comes from the HPV virus, like cervical cancer. Men can be vaccinated against it but most aren't or won't be.