DH sore on penis - am I in the wrong?

[ALineOrNot]

So bit of back story. DH and I together for 3 years, married for around 18 months. We’ve had some history of him being what I class as overly friendly with women from work, just messages and being ‘supportive’, sending hearts in response to their Facebook stories (which I can’t now see as they’ve timed out so I have no reassurance when he says it was just general photos)

So in short, there isn’t much trust from my end. I know a marriage isn’t great without trust but here we are.

We have a very active sex life and have recently moved house where we have a walk in shower, we have spent a lot of time using soap etc together in there - this is all relevant!

Yesterday he came to me and said he had a sore on his penis. He showed me and it was under his foreskin, more on the shaft. It was about the size of a 1p coin and looked like an ulcer, whiteish in the middle. It didn’t look crusty or had pus etc.

I told him that he needs to see a GP or get tested. I was calm but told him that I won’t be having sex with him until it’s sorted as there are 3 options really - it’s something from before he met me which means did he knowingly have sex with me keeping this hidden, he’s caught something while he’s been with me or it’s another medical issue which needs sorting.

He said I’m completely overreacting and it’s probably a reaction from all the different soap etc in the shower?

So I don’t drip feed - he WFH and I take the car to work every day. He doesn’t go out drinking etc so I have no idea when he would cheat but it’s not impossible. I’ve also had 3 missed miscarriages which might be clouding my judgement as I know that if he’s given me an STI which has been symptomless then it could have contributed

I’ve tried googling what STIs look like and nothing looks like what he has ☹️

Thank you. This is my worry too, especially with it being quite far down rather than on the head or just under the foreskin.

We’re both at work at the moment so I haven’t had chance to see if he’s booked an appointment. I did double check that he had the right GP number before I left as we’ve recently moved GP surgery

I really would encourage him most strongly to go to the GP, I understand your concerns about STIs of course, but best to rule out the worst case.

Best of luck!

@HonestOpalHelper GPs are not experts. There are several cases of men whose GPs gave them all kinds of creams to clear up 'sores' and then eventually they were diagnosed with penile cancer, when it had spread and was Stage 4. The only way to tell is a biopsy and this has to be done by a specialist dermatologist.

I have a family friend who died from it.
I have no idea of the history there (he was an older man and I assume he didn't see his GP or any doctor earlier.)

Thank you

My DH is 44 and his mum died from cancer so that is a real worry. I will msg him soon and ask if he’s managed to get an appointment

You dont know what caused this. It was unfair of you to accuse him of goodness knows what. He needs to see his GP without delay.

An ulcer sounds just like herpes to me.

There is no connection between penile cancer and his mum dying of whatever cancer she had.

Penile cancer is caused by the HPV virus the same as causes cervical cancer in women.

It's a sexually transmitted form of cancer. In some people their immune systems doesn't eradicate the HPV virus and this leads to cellular changes.

Thanks, that’s reassuring. I didn’t realise that about penile cancer

That's not correct, HPV can be a causative factor in penile cancer, but there are quite a few other known causes and in many cases no cause can be established and the HPV virus is not present.

Bear in mind also, that if OPs DH is 44, has been sexually active for 25+ years and had a few partners in that time he will likely have or have had HPV at some time.

It could well be Herpes which can sit dormant for many years before appearing. In which case you need testing as well

I don't want to get into a long discussion here, but HPV is a leading cause of penile cancer and on the increase. Young boys can now be vaccinated the same as girls (aged 12-ish) against cervical cancer but it's not been rolled out as much. It can be done privately too.

HPV can lie dormant for many years and be symptomless before it causes any visible signs - as it is in women. That's why women have cervical screening because there are no visible signs until it becomes cervical cancer.

I think you will have to get your own tests done. 💐

so looks like I’m ordering my own STD tests. If he comes back positive for something then the marriage is over because he either cheated or knew there was a possibility he had STDs and had sex with me, especially when I was pregnant and having losses

Everyone who's ever had sex before has a possibility of having an sti, especially one like herpes that can stay dormant for years with no symptoms. Did either of you get an sti check at the start of the relationship?

If it's herpes it's also possible he caught it from you, either orally or genitally, as it's possible you had it without symptoms. Female to male transmission rates for herpes are quite low so it can take a while for a partner to catch it.

He's right to go to a gum clinic first, they're the experts (even if not an sti, they'll have a good idea). My understanding is that herpes can only be tested for/positively identified while you have an active outbreak (as it needs to be swabbed for). So it's important he goes before it heals. And similarly, you can't get tested conclusively for herpes unless you're experiencing an outbreak yourself.

So depending on what it is, it's not necessarily proof of infidelity or deliberately putting you at risk. Keep an open mind and don't jump to any conclusions without proof. If he's cheating there are usually multiple clues in someone's behaviour.

Forget about his dick for a moment. Why on earth are you trying to have a child with a man you don't trust while in a relationship that seems to be held together by sex?

I would come at this from a different angle. Rather than saying you don’t want to have sex with him in case it’s an STD, you don’t want to have sex with him as he might have a fungal infection and that could also pass onto you.

Also, be concerned for him. Like others have said, this could be penile cancer. Hopefully not, but it could be, so push him to go to the doctor out of concern for HIM.

He's agreed to do what you've asked him to, you're upset. If he'd refused to, you'd be upset.

He has said he'll make appointments - keep him pulled up on that.

Hope he actually does go.

Hope he tells the doctor the truth.

Hope he tells you the truth about what the doctor says re diagnosis and treatment.

Hope he'll actually take the treatment if appropriate.

That's a lot under his control.

For you - stay strong on no sex until diagnosis and treatment. If it's bacterial, viral or fungal, you must protect yourself - then if it's an std decide what you're going to do, knowing what you know about your losses.

If it's something blameless, then he'll need support. Just as you would if you had thrush, BV - or worse.

Find out, then decide and respond.

I’ve already said I’m not trying to have a child with him.

we were trying, had 3 back to back losses, one which nearly killed me and then decided to stop as at that point I didn’t think it was right having a child while our marriage wasn’t strong enough.

Thank you

A lot of what I’ve written here I haven’t said out loud to him, except the not having sex until we find out what it is.

me pushing him to go to the GP is out of concern for him but also trying to keep myself safe. I think if it was down to him he would just bury his head in the sand and carry on. He’s often like that which is why I can see him having symptoms years ago and just ignoring it until it went away

It could be from the soap, could also be a dormant herpes that has been exacerbated by the soap so I think you are right to avoid intercourse until getting results.

He’s booked the STD clinic for this afternoon. Do they give results straight away?

It depends what they’re testing for, some like chlamydia can be same day, others take a few days or even a few weeks.

I will also ask to see the letter of results and come in with him when he gets the results at the STD clinic - if he hasn’t anything to hide he won’t have a problem with this as it also invokes your health and your life! If he refuses to show you then frankly I wouldn’t trust what he says and still not have sex with him. Many many men - yes and woman - have lied about their results and gone around infecting women and men with all sorts over the years leading to jail
sentences in instances:

Yes, it could be considered a crime if you knowingly have an infectious disease, like herpes, and engage in sexual penetration without first informing your partner about your condition.

You said "...under his foreskin, more on the shaft. " Does that mean that it is in the area covered by the foreskin when it is not drawn back, or on the shaft, outside the foreskin but 'below' i.e. nearer the root and on the normal skin?

I bet they can tell him what it looks to be for sure!

bleurgghhh

you need to get yourself to the clinic never mind rushing him there!

On the area usually covered by his foreskin, you can only see it if you draw the foreskin back