Handhold please - feeling sick

[handholdplease9]

New username but long-term poster. I feel so sick and Ill probably ramble and not make sense but here it goes.
I just got married 3 weeks ago to who I thought was the man of my dreams but I just found out that he is on a BDSM website posting photos of him chained up and the most graphic photos of himself. He has been having conversations with guys/girls about what they'd do to each other sexually and how he is into pain.
This is coming from the guy who has a hard time getting an erection (now thinking it must be me), only wanting sex a couple of times a week and even then it's missionary. I don't think he's met these people, but really how much do I know?
I have a 12 y/o DD who absolutely adores the ground he walks on, she hasn't known him all her life as he was a close family friend.
What do I do? I know what I'd be advising if this was the other way around but honestly he's the absolute love of my life and I'm completely broken.
Please be kind, iv been throwing up most of the afternoon.

Thank you

I would be very careful with your child op. You have no idea who this man is anymore. I would not allow him to stay. Under any circumstances at all. You have a sexually deviant man that has lied and deceived you. There is no way you are safe. I have seen enough cases to know this may only be the tip of the iceberg. What you have seen might be just the beginning.

He needs to stay in a hotel
or guest house. You need space and safety. You have no idea what he is capable of.

Oh for goodness sake guys. No one breaks into some other guys sex account to look at dirty pictures and message people.
Who is this mysterious person supposed to be? And what was so special about him that they thought 'yup, that's the account for me! The guy bleeding in the shower. I'll pretend to be him'.

Come on now.

This.

All of the ‘butwhatabouttery’ in this thread - the OP knows this man intimately and she believes it’s true so let’s trust her instincts rather than make excuses for him.

We all know our partners well enough to trust our gut and she’s listening to hers.

Omg. Is this on fetlife? Have a search for his pics or username on Google to make sure there's no other sites. I wouldn't put it past him to have uploaded it onto porn sites or twitter etc if he's into the humiliation of it too.

You definitely are doing the right thing, regardless of if it was ages ago, his sexual problems are 100% to do with extreme fetishes/porn and him keeping this secret/shame will drive him back to it

It's not something you need around you or your poor daughter. He's sick in the head and will say anything to keep you around!

His mother may be in recovery, but your child’s safety MUST come first. Plesse do not put your child at risk. He is no longer a safe person.

I wouldn’t want him sleeping a night longer on the same house as me and my daughter OP. Please be careful here

@FairyMaclary Thanks so much for this, I wish I’d known this years ago.
To the OP, this happened to me after 25 years of marriage - he deceived me for years, told me that I was too fat to be attractive (I wasn’t). He absolutely crushed me. I went to a solicitor about divorce 3 times but he gaslit me about breaking up the family and he’d try for a while etc. Eventually, I found stuff on his PC, he said it was a one off but I checked again a few months later and found more. He played me for a fool and abused my trusting nature. I finally filed and he refused to leave for 18 months but once I’d remortgaged to pay him off, he left to live with some young male friends. I was definitely his beard,
I kept it from the kids and my concern was to get them through the divorce but they found out from one of the women. They were stunned but I tried not to criticise him and said that he was still their dad.
I felt such incredible shame and couldn’t tell anyone why - still can’t to this day. One of my adult daughters adores him - he manipulates her and she has turned against me - said that I’m stupid and weak, my other daughters are leading full lives with loving partners and I get on well with them. I feel that I have lost my other daughter and he’s delighted by it.
10 years post divorce I was diagnosed with Cptsd - I’ve never had a relationship since.
He’s using you. My advice is - get out now.

How awful for you. I don't have enough info to give advice but can think of two possible reasons for this, and you need to figure out which one it is so you'll know how to act.

1. He's a porn/fetish/sex addict. Denial and lying come with the territory. If it was not affecting your sex life as a couple it could maybe be ok, but given that it is affecting it, and ruining your self esteem, and then the lying - all of it is too much and unsustainable. You'd need to tell him that you will not continue the marriage (it may be early enough to get an annulment?) UNLESS he faces his problem, seeks therapy with a sex addiction therapist, goes to sex addicts anonymous, and does everything necessary to regain your trust. Even if he does all of this, it will take you time to recover from the trauma of the betrayal and regain your trust in him. There are apps that he can willingly use with you that look at all his online activity and flag anything suspicious - even in incognito mode. There is a book about situations like yours called 'Mending a Broken Heart'. (I speak from experience with this. Our marriage recovered but it was hard work. But the wounds have healed and we are stronger now than we ever were before.) But he has to change everything, surrender to recovery, do a full 180 degree change.

1. He's a (covert?) narcissist who lies, manipulates, fakes emotions, subtly destroys your self respect and self worth, drains you, and this sex stuff is just the tip of the iceberg. If it's this, you need to get out of the relationship as soon as possible as these types of people don't change.

I hope you find peace. You don't deserve any of this x

It wouldn't be 'frowned upon' if you used a work system. It would be dismissal. I am a union rep for the police.

Considering even seemingly sane men can be a danger when angry...not sure I'd want a man who i had just told I wanted a divorce around my 12 year old kid. Especially considering the nature of recent findings. Unstable men, kill.

Would get it if it was just you and him and the whole mum situation. But as is...with a kid involved...

Could your daughter go stay with her dad for a little while? Is that possible?

Agreed. I'm struck by his protestation that he doesn't want the "family" to be broken up.

How do you know that?

You can filter on the OP’s posts

Because I have read ALL the OP's posts. Give it a try! FFS!

OP what an awful shock, I'm so sorry.

Did he not realise you could see the messages and knew there were recent ones?! He's lied to you all along and is STILL lying now! 😡 I agree this is a beard situation, his true sexual feelings are in those messages, and if that wasn't evidence enough your bedroom activity or lack of it backs that up.

I'm so glad you are seeing a solicitor. Think of yourself and your daughter long term. Protect yourself and her (and your home!) and make it clear to him that there won't be another single day that he takes you for a mug. If he wants to live a lie that's his business but dragging you and your child into his life of lies is horrid and deeply selfish of him.

If he hasn't been on it for several years there'll be dates to prove that etc etc, I just think diving too deeply into narratives that we have no evidence for puts us into a difficult position as a mumsnetter. We've advocated much on the say so of a stranger without any actual proof. Perfectly happy to support someone in shock and panic but maintain your fair scrutiny also is what I'm thinking. It not a disbelieve thing but rather a verify thing or that's further harm against a further person surely.

I have no advice to add but just posting to say I’m in awe of how resilient you are OP and how you’ve handled this and not allowed yourself to be railroaded by this man. Stick to your guns! I’m so sorry this has happened to you, but better to know now rather than later. Sending hugs!

He's hidden an absolutely critical, central part of his identity.

If it was over, he would have told you.

He's lied about something completely fundamental.

It's comparable to the undercover police relationship scandal. He's not the person he told you he was.

'kink-shaming' tossers gonna toss. Their position is pathetic and simultaneously coercive. These people steal progressivism to fit their own purposes.

You will never be able to get that image of him out of your mind if you let him stay, and I think you've pretty much made up your mind that you don't want him to. I am so glad you've arranged to seek legal advice on Monday, OP. You need him out of your house and life ASAP. You were horribly deceived about who you married. Also be sure to take good care of yourself and seek some real support to help you get over this. This is a huge thing emotionally to come to terms with.

Fucking hell run!!! You never ever truly know someone, what else is he lying about. I wonder if he’s gay but hasn’t quite decided to come out yet. Either way with secrets like this and no doubt more you’re not going to have a happy marriage because you don’t know anything about him! Get yourself out this will eventually end in tears anyway

I’m relieved you are seeing a solicitor Monday OP, but a bit concerned that it is your work solicitor. Please consider also seeing a good family law solicitor, just to be on the safe side. You need to be absolutely sure of where you stand legally.

I wish you well. Don’t be blind sided by him, Stay strong, Protect yourself and your daughter, you deserve so much better.

I’m sorry you’re so upset by this but I don’t understand.
he’s hidden it from you which is awful but which part exactly are you so upset by? The lack of honesty? The kink? That he has messaged men?
As someone who has been on the verge of leaving her husband this month, started to make it happen and realised how major it is, just take a breath. Get some counselling together. Talk it through. The sex you have sounds dull (mines the same) so maybe this will work out well for you to spice things up a bit. Sex can be a huge part of your life or not part of it at all. There’s so much to be discussed here, everyone on MN just says leave the whole time but life is more complex than that

I'm so sorry...what a shock!
If it were me, I'd be gone. So sad, but I couldn't get over the secrecy - I'd never trust him again. Those messages & images would keep going round in my head. And he lied and said it was in the past but you know its still going on. How could it work? You'd always be worrying about his sordid secret, if you can believe what he says, what he's been doing and who with? Only you know if you can get on board with this, but remember that secrecy, lack of trust and resentment aren't what a happy marriage are built on. Good luck to you & your girl x

The OP does not need to “spice up” her sex life to satisfy a deviant husband. She needs to see whether her marriage meets the criteria for annulment so that she can free herself of this deceitful and potentially dangerous individual.