Handhold please - feeling sick

[handholdplease9]

New username but long-term poster. I feel so sick and Ill probably ramble and not make sense but here it goes.
I just got married 3 weeks ago to who I thought was the man of my dreams but I just found out that he is on a BDSM website posting photos of him chained up and the most graphic photos of himself. He has been having conversations with guys/girls about what they'd do to each other sexually and how he is into pain.
This is coming from the guy who has a hard time getting an erection (now thinking it must be me), only wanting sex a couple of times a week and even then it's missionary. I don't think he's met these people, but really how much do I know?
I have a 12 y/o DD who absolutely adores the ground he walks on, she hasn't known him all her life as he was a close family friend.
What do I do? I know what I'd be advising if this was the other way around but honestly he's the absolute love of my life and I'm completely broken.
Please be kind, iv been throwing up most of the afternoon.

Thank you

Terrible advice . Because you can’t find the courage to leave and choose to accept a poor sex life doesn’t mean the op should . @Heyitsmeyeh maybe you should reconsider your decision to stay . You get one life.

It’s not just a kink he wants to share with his wife and felt he couldn’t. It’s deceit. On sex sites with pictures there for anyone to see.
He is actively messaging men and women for what?
This is the tip of the iceberg. Of course ip has to leave .

Honestly this site at times - she’s just found out she’s married to a lying serial cheat and some are falling over themselves to put her down.
They really can’t understand why she’s upset - seriously wtf???

Oh my god this. It makes it sound like she's somehow driven him to it and if she'd stop being so boring everything would be fine. Women are allowed to make decisions based on the full range of information available about men and object to and refuse to have anything to do with anyone or anything they do not like.

AND his default response has been to lie to to her and try to manipulate her. Fucking no.

It's ok to be squeamish about 'kinks'. Don't turn it into a shake on the OP.

@NonComm

Have you tried EMDR therapy? Also have you read all of Minwallas work?

It’s not your shame. Brene Brown has a Ted talk on Shame on YouTube - it’s worth watching.

Thanks so much - no not read his stuff but I’ll check both of them out. I’ve had EMDR for other things - the doctor picked the four worst things to work on and his assault on me was one of them. We hadn’t had sex for four years and one night I actually asked if he was gay - he then assaulted me in my sleep. I called an ambulance for myself and told everyone I’d fallen down the stairs. Now, I bitterly regret not calling the police and having him arrested but I was so worn down by all of it. At the time, there was an exposé in the papers of a similar man and one of his sons took his life so my primary concern was my teenage children. I did start to put my ducks in a row after that.

I’ve had lots of therapy but none for this. I’ve heard interviews with trans widows and the shock, shame, manipulation and gaslighting/grooming are very similar imo.
He’s still having relationships with women and treating them like shit.
I really wish there was a support group.

Makes you wonder are people so naive or just do anything to be in the “bad guys “ team .

‘A little sad’? He’s hidden a major part of who he is from OP, and of course he isn’t the man she fell in love with - he never existed, it was all a lie.

Some of the posts in this thread are simply extraordinary. "Why are you so upset, I don't understaaaaaaand!" "Use it to spice up your boring sex life!" What the OP has found out is "just added info", apparently, as though her new H has told her he hates cauliflower or quite likes some of Cliff Richard's songs or shoplifted a pack of beer in Tesco when he was 14 or secretly watches Strictly even though he's always claimed to find it hopelessly naff. For actual FS. These threads always seem to attract the kind of cool and edgy af posters who love to jeer at those they deem to be boring pearl-clutching vanilla prudes.

How are you doing, OP? As it's Monday now, have you been able to have a proper talk with your lawyer friend? Hope you're doing OK, and you have absolutely every right to be shocked and horrified and to want to leave your marriage, regardless of what some posts here have said. I'd feel exactly the same.

Likely the weirdos wanting to validate their own seedy lives

"she's created the new stuff to make it look as if he still uses the site,"

??? Have I missed something. I don't see this on her posts.

@SilverpetalShineI’m starting to wonder if you’re the husband …

I’m bloody sure he is.

Just a little tip though husband, it’s never a good idea to make things up when the evidence that you’ve lied is there in black and white in the OP’s posts which she didn’t post and you said she did.

Oh and another thing, You’re clearly a lying cheating pervy deviant, hth.

Wrong wrong and wrong....

You haven’t missed anything !
Their intellect can’t be high if they “had read all the posts “ yesterday came up with that nonsense . Madness

I've read all OP's posts and you are wrong. She hasn't put any fake posts on his webpage. You're weirdly invested in trying to discredit the OP. Her husband deceived her about his sexual preferences and she is perfectly within her rights to end the marriage.

Something OP has posted has hit a nerve with you. I'm not sure why.

Start by pulling up all ops posts and see how you feel after reading them. That's where I began.
I just filtered to OPs posts…and saw no evidence of any of this. After reading them, I feel like you might be the husband in this situation…

If what I've just said isn't true then maybe this platform is hacked? I have definitely read what I'm telling you here.
Is “hacking” your go-to in every situation?

@SilverpetalShine · trolling is against MN guidelines.

Given you are spreading lies about the OP and those lies are on this thread in black and white as the OP hasn’t posted one single thing you’ve lied about her doing, (which is also on this thread in black and white), I’ve reported you to MN HQ.

Now off you fuck.

No just lying. Apparently.

And they’re, well, a lot a bit thick, given none of the things they’re claiming actually happened and there’s physical proof. lol.

I have nothing invested here other than my time. I'm not the only person to raise this issue with OP. There is one post from yesterday deleted but only a small one. The posts still clearly state that she hacked his phone and into the website. Reading once more through the postings I can see that there could be many more favourable outcomes but she's only choosing one stirred up by angry folk. For her family and the truth it needn't be so dire an outcome. The evidence isn't there. In it's place a rather frank admission of former ill health which she's plastered all over here too. That's a betrayal. She has clearly invested a lot in her partner and yet she's ready to dash it all it seems on here. So I have another view, so what? That's what this is for isn't it? If you stop stirring your selves up for a moment and actually read the narrative provided it's different to what you imagine. There's a sadder more difficult story. I don't think it's one to be poked with a stick. There are two real people here and a crisis is a foot. I'm saying step back from an unnecessary brink and study the facts so your advice does not form a hate fest. And as for attacking someone who just has a differing view to you, well! Who'd a thought it! Not surprising that riots happen is it?

Oh. Dear.

Okay, ladies. Who's owning up to hacking Mumsnet?