Handhold please - feeling sick

[handholdplease9]

New username but long-term poster. I feel so sick and Ill probably ramble and not make sense but here it goes.
I just got married 3 weeks ago to who I thought was the man of my dreams but I just found out that he is on a BDSM website posting photos of him chained up and the most graphic photos of himself. He has been having conversations with guys/girls about what they'd do to each other sexually and how he is into pain.
This is coming from the guy who has a hard time getting an erection (now thinking it must be me), only wanting sex a couple of times a week and even then it's missionary. I don't think he's met these people, but really how much do I know?
I have a 12 y/o DD who absolutely adores the ground he walks on, she hasn't known him all her life as he was a close family friend.
What do I do? I know what I'd be advising if this was the other way around but honestly he's the absolute love of my life and I'm completely broken.
Please be kind, iv been throwing up most of the afternoon.

Thank you

https://minwallamodel.com/articles/

Read Minwallas work on ‘The Secret Sexual Basement’. It’s sadly common.

Sorry op I don’t have time at the minute to read the full thread but this work will help you.

All the best.

I had a very similar experience with an ex boyfriend. He couldn’t have sex either. It will never change unless you do the stuff he's into and even then he will still go elsewhere, it’s such a stupid thing that they throw everything away for a fetish. I am so sorry it is so awful.

It's your house. Tell him to leave if he will not phone the police. If you don't want to go that route next time he goes out change all the locks and pack his stuff. Go the solicitors and it in writing if you need to. I am so very very sorry. X

Okay, best of luck with this, and make sure that you have real life support. Just make sure you are okay and protect your assets.

@handholdplease9 The man you married does not exist. Sorry op. This is shit. He didn't tell you because he knew you wouldnt have him if you knew who he really is. I agree with pp who said he used you as a front to appear as a normal respectable man. Its not your job to keep up the appearances for him. I hope you get the annulment ❤️

Harsh.

It's NOT your fault. You're in shock. you need to meet this head on. How did the information become known to you? Could it be a horrible prank?Speak to him about it preferably when your daughter is not around. There isn't a lambs way through this you'll have to be strong and clear. Just show him the site and ask for an explanation, then listen. Once you have that information you can discuss how to move forward. You need to let your system calm down before you broach it. You need to be able to hold your own and listen to the words so that you can then work out what you would like to do about this. I'm so sorry you had to make this discovery. You will move on either with or without him, you'll know more about that when you've heard what he has to say. If you need a friend or relative around to calm yourself focus on that first. This will pass. A bigger understanding will come about. You need time for your self to develop a calmness where you can allow that to happen. Best wishes OP.

When was he last on that site? Can you show him that proof and tell him that it is not "in the past" but the "here and now" and you cannot accept that for your life?

OP can’t do that. They’re married and he has legal ‘home rights’. If she wants him out of the house she will need a court order. You can’t simply throw your spouse out of the marital home and change the locks.

Not really his choice though- it is up to you OP. Hope things work out for you.

You gotta love the cheek of it though - married for three weeks and he doesn’t want to ‘break up the family’ !! The family he acquired by not coming clean about a huge issue - because he knew OP would run a mile rather than marry him.

Realistically, what's he going to do? Go to the police and explain why his new wife kicked him out? They'll get a good laugh at that one.
You think they'll go and help him get back in anyway? Not likely.

I'd also make it very clear if he came back, I'd be telling everyone he knows why the marriage is over. He clearly wants his dirty little secret kept quiet.

Thank you for all your advice, I've read each one of them. We went out for a walk and sat in a quiet area to speak. He is still adamant he didn't send any recent messages, even right there in black and white. He said he did set it up years ago as a form of self harm but hasn't been on it for the past 3 years. He was crying, howling, breaking down saying how much he loves me and my DD, how much I mean to him etc etc. I don't believe a word he says and even though I'm feeling just numb right now I told him it's over and he can start looking for somewhere else to stay and for now he's in the spare room. I would kick him completely out but his mum just got home yesterday from breast cancer surgery and I don't want to lay this on all her door. She is lovely and I know will be horrified at her son's behaviour. He's working thank god and I have the lawyer on Monday so we'll see where we go from there. Thank you all for the HH earlier, I feel a tad calmer.

You need to check the sources of your information. How did that come up? Who told you? Are you both being played? Gather info before you destroy your world. Just occured to me. Verify your sources....

I see the same advice a lot on MN - posters advised to pack their partners’ bags and change the locks. It’s illegal if you’re married and both living in the marital home, regardless of who is on the deeds, mortgage or rent agreement - unless you can prove abuse, in which case you would call the police to remove them. OP can’t deny him entry without an occupation order, and until she’s seen a solicitor for advice on monday I think it’s really unwise to do anything he may be able to use against her.

OP has a photo of him beating himself in the shower though ?

I've seen peoples lives ruined by less just at the hands of a malevolent typer. You'll feel worse if you find out after the fact that you've been manipulated. Check, check, check.

Ask your lawyer about an occupation order OP. He’s shown signs of being reluctant to leave at your request so you may need the law behind you to get him out.

That's a good shout. I was also thinking of annulment.

Obvs you can't get a divorce until you ve been married for a year. You have 49 weeks to go.

How recent is this stuff?

When was it taken? Who sent it to her? People do horrible things and that wonderous thing Photoshop can be a monster. Just looking at the other side of the coin. We 've heard no evidence or aetiology. She feels shocked and may not be adding up right. They're just married and perhaps are worth a more careful look?

It was on his account. He uploaded the video of himself doing it

He has admitted it though.

I’m so sorry @handholdplease9 . Sending a very unmumsnetty hug your way. Definitely get rid of this disturbed monster. There’s a better life waiting for you. 💐

If an annulment isn’t possible she could possibly go for a judicial separation. This would be sanctioned by the court, enabling it to make orders about matrimonial assets in a similar way that would happen during an actual divorce. You can apply for Judicial Separation any time after the marriage, meaning you don’t need to wait a year like you would a divorce.

He has admitted that it is himself on the video. Making excuses galore, but he admitted it. He's trying to say that he hasn't been on it for several years, even though OP has posts of his from his phone.

You are "looking" so far to the other side that you might well fall over. This is not a case of a malevolent revenge poster. Just a case of a man who hid his secrets and now cannot handle that they've been discovered.