Husband getting close to girl at the gym

[Amy808]

I just wondered what people’s opinions were on this.

So, my husband goes to the gym, a lot. Pretty much every day. He normally goes with a few friends, but I’ve heard other guys names mentioned over the years. But never another woman.

A couple of months ago he started mentioning another woman who goes there. Said she’s really nice etc etc. Apparently the other guys all fancy her, but he doesn’t as ‘ she’s too young for him’. He’s only in his 30’s so that’s a load of rubbish anyway, presuming she’s in her 20’s.

Fast forward a few months and he’s gone from mentioning her once or twice to talking about her quite a lot. Nothing exciting, just conversations they’ve had. He seems to know where she works / lives / her gym schedule / what car she drives … It’s all a bit stalker ish for me. I’ve asked him twice now if he fancies her and he’s denied it both times, but he’s never got this friendly with another woman since we’ve been together ( 10 plus years ).

He now follows her fitness page on socials too. Am I going over the top or are they getting too close? He said she doesn’t speak to many of the other guys because they all perv on her but he doesn’t ( apparently ).

I know people are going to say it’s not a problem to have opposite sex friends. It just seems like they’ve got a bit close and he almost goes out of his way to chat with her.

Shall I just drop the whole thing or maybe just keep an eye on it in the background? Any opinions welcome. Thank you x

That's a really hasty and misguided assumption to jump to.

If anything, the way he talks about her and their conversations to his wife indicates he's beyond interested. He can gaslight his wife (You are so jealous! This is why I can't be friends with a woman. She's like my little sister, blah dee blah) and at the same time, he can talk freely about the woman, mention her fiance's jealousy, the sex-related conversations and other activities he enjoys. He can relive those moments with her while telling his wife, and he can use the excuse you mentioned to make her doubt herself.

Honestly, in every affair I’ve ever heard of, the wife usually knows about her. Cheaters absolutely love hiding in plain sight … makes them feel like they’re starring in their own little Netflix drama.

He’s not mentioning her out of transparency; he’s doing it to feed the ego: “Look how clever I am, my wife doesn’t suspect a thing.”

Most of the time they’ll insult the woman they’re having the affair with to their wife (as another poster noted in this thread), biggest red flag you will ever see is “oh this new girl started at work… she is so annoying!” but this bloke? He’s just brazen.

I’m sorry OP, but your DH is a rat. Totally disrespecting you, whilst fawning over this girl. I’m sorry but she’s loving the attention to! There is no way I would speak to a casual gym buddy (of either sex), about my lack of sex life or fave sexual position. She either 1. Loves the attention knowing DH gets hot under the collar when she speaks like this, and does it to keep him interested as she likes having this gym lap dog who dotes on her, or, 2. She does fancy him. But I’m thinking the former, as there would be nothing stopping her making a play for him, as she (still!!!) doesn’t know he’s married.

This can’t go on op, hes idolising this girl in front of his own wife’s eyes, most other DHs would never ever do this! You need to nip it in the bud now!! You seem quite passive about this, you need to get tough as your DH is defying you on every step! He would not tolerate this behaviour if it was the other way round believe me

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5395906-something-isnt-right-thread-2?page=8&reply=147524031

Please have a read of this thread @Amy808
The op had similar nonsense to you regarding her DH ( read part 1 too). He had to make a choice between his wife and the ow ( hobby person) and he threatened suicide so eventually she’s had to ask him to leave. He is still not fighting for his wife and is a pathetic male specimen but the op took the power back. Everyone can see what your husband is doing now and tbh you are enabling his behavior. I can see you love him very much but please love yourself and your dc more. Tell him to fuck off and send him off to his mums until he changes his behaviour. Engaging any further is harmful for your mental health. He seems to think he has options as he’s debating with you. Honestly stop taking advice from your friends who sound like school girls and not grown up women!

OP, please re read your answer here. This man is taking the piss. If my DH said the these things to me, I would be gone. By the time I was just hoping the OW would lose interest in my DH, I'd be gone.

I really don't know why you haven't gone to the gym and made your presence felt.
Let her know your his wife and tell her to fuck off. You can't be nice about these things. If he disnt like it and turns on you you will know exactly how he stands and you can tell him to fuck off too.
Obviously her Fiancee thinks somethings up. Also I would very loudly ask her why she tells him about her sex life. I'm sure he will be mortified but you have to stop all this crap or put up with it. I know what I would do and I am really sorry this is happening to you, but you have to put her and him in their place. I wish you the best of luck.

I would consider this an affair of some type. Your husband has proven he can’t stop contact with this woman, meeting up with her and aligning schedules to see her. He should be focusing all spare time and attention on you and your children, not some woman at the gym. I think I would be so irritated too at his constant admiration of this woman. If I was in this spot, I would end my marriage. It’s not worth being tied down to this.

Say to him, I’m thinking of joining the gym, ask him questions about membership and facilities and say you’re going to go in and enquire. You’ll know by his reaction

Wtf, he's spent months with her, talks about her all the time and hasn't even mentioned that he is married. Why TH not. He's infatuated. I'd nurture your own obsession with someone and see how he likes it. He is being a total dick. TOTAL D I C K.

I'm so pissed off on your behalf.

I had an ex ring his side piece from our landline phone he then tried to stick me with the bill when we split i insisted he paid for his calls to her guy was a complete dick

Some men dont try to hide what they are

He said he gives her advice etc when there are actual PT’s in there she could speak with. He obviously knows his stuff but he’s not qualified.

O God, these kind of men at the gym are the worst. Does she actually even want his advice and attention?

I’d definitely be joining that gym.

He’s triangulating you. He is loving the fact that two women are vying for his attention and is enjoying this position of power. Her engagement was a brief irritation for him but he now realises that things are just the same and he’s still getting his validation and ego kibbles.

If an affair starts which is entirely possible considering their conversational topics he will lower the mentions because then the power validation and ego kibbles come from the affair itself.

You need to get hold of a copy of ‘not just friends’ by Shirley Glass as that book really makes this dynamic clear.

Your husband is behaving like a complete a’hole and needs some form boundaries.

I’m sorry this is happening OP. As an old gimmer of 40-something I can tell you this is 100% inappropriate. I tried to be easygoing a few times about stuff like this, but now I’d cut to the chase and say that it crosses my boundaries and I couldn’t stay in a relationship where there was behaviour like this.

Mmmm he’s playing a dangerous game here and it’s obviously good for his ego.
I would have been worried months ago - he needs to know how unsettling it is for you. Can you join the gym too? If not would he change to another gym?
Sorry OP I’d be very concerned 🚩 🚩

He doesn’t wear his ring as it’s ‘dangerous’ to wear it at work or to the gym.
sounds just like my ex. He said exactly this.

Funny how his best gym female friend is a young attractive girl and not Karen in her 50s.

These men!

.

Eugghh. Sorry op I think this marriage has ran it's course. He clearly cares more about some random woman at the gym and his own ego. Forget warning her off - I'm not sure why you'd want him! Apart from his 'amazing body' not sure what he's actually bringing to the table.

I think you should C - divorce him. If it's not this woman it'll be someone else. He's totally disrespected you, your family, and your marriage vows. What makes you think he won't do it again? I'm sorry.

If you had been on three dates with him and this started happening, would you carry on with him? Would you feel you wanted to "win"?

Op does the gym have a cafe, if so, turn up looking your best, walk over to them and say, hay bob just catching up eith friends for a coffee have you nearly finished my love, see you in a bit, and walk away, let them think your having a coffee with a friend,

He won't like it but at least you have seen and put her in her place ' married '
Him well that's when you let rip, you have had enough of his shenanigans, its stops now , let him walk if that's what he decides to do op,

Remember your just catching up with a friend for a coffee, be rude not to say hello 😁

This way you have taken control op please don't allow him to treat you so disrespectful

and is pretty confident that she has ( friendzoned him )

Why hadn't he friend zoned her?

Yes, it's never portly, red faced, old Bert they form a bond with. It's never Bert on the brink of diabetes who they are giving 'newbie' advice to. Bert's never mysteriously there every single time they are.

It's always a young, fit, attractive female. How odd.....

Find a reason to head into the gym a couple of times. Meet the woman and let her see that you exist. Take all the kids. Buy a coffee.
Have a booked time with a particular coach who will teach you how to safely manage some equipment.

Be friendly, and say that DH has often spoken about her, when you meet. Ask the woman if her father or mother have a gym membership there?

OP fully understand how you feel, for me, the relationship is unacceptable, purely due to the fact it makes you uncomfortable and it would me as well.
Always trust your gut instincts, however, quite what you do about it, other than join the gym and with your husband, I don't know.