Husband getting close to girl at the gym

[Amy808]

I just wondered what people’s opinions were on this.

So, my husband goes to the gym, a lot. Pretty much every day. He normally goes with a few friends, but I’ve heard other guys names mentioned over the years. But never another woman.

A couple of months ago he started mentioning another woman who goes there. Said she’s really nice etc etc. Apparently the other guys all fancy her, but he doesn’t as ‘ she’s too young for him’. He’s only in his 30’s so that’s a load of rubbish anyway, presuming she’s in her 20’s.

Fast forward a few months and he’s gone from mentioning her once or twice to talking about her quite a lot. Nothing exciting, just conversations they’ve had. He seems to know where she works / lives / her gym schedule / what car she drives … It’s all a bit stalker ish for me. I’ve asked him twice now if he fancies her and he’s denied it both times, but he’s never got this friendly with another woman since we’ve been together ( 10 plus years ).

He now follows her fitness page on socials too. Am I going over the top or are they getting too close? He said she doesn’t speak to many of the other guys because they all perv on her but he doesn’t ( apparently ).

I know people are going to say it’s not a problem to have opposite sex friends. It just seems like they’ve got a bit close and he almost goes out of his way to chat with her.

Shall I just drop the whole thing or maybe just keep an eye on it in the background? Any opinions welcome. Thank you x

I would be asking him to step away from this 'friendship' as its stepping over the line.

How would he feel if this was you and some fit bloke down the gym or someone you met in the park and 'had a connection with'

I'd ask Mumsnet to edit your post, that's a deeply racist phrase you've just used.

I swear they’re messaging to meet up at the gym. He took a random day off a week or so ago, turned up there early, and she was there because she had a day off too. Then again is he that stupid to tell me surely he’d keep his mouth shut if they were.

Agree with that.

Really? That hadn’t come into my head once I’m just trying to describe how the woman looks?

Yeah, please don't use that term to refer to someone of mixed ethnic heritage.

That aside, it sounds like he is completely disregarding your feelings and toeing a dangerous line. I'd not be happy in your shoes.

Sure, plus her aesthetic is “in” right now. Plus big bums from gym look different to big bums not from gym, some people prefer the look of a toned/gym figure.

It’s a very dated and racist term tbh. My children are mixed race and I would be very upset if someone described them in this manner.

Ok well I apologize if I offended anyone but that really wasn’t my intention.

@Amy808 that’s ok and it’s better you’ve been advised if you didn’t know this.
Going back to your husband - the reaction of her bf and his friends tell you it’s not just in your head. He’s very far gone down this trajectory now. Once they are that far gone there’s nothing you can do. Do you have a plan in place?

What I said back in August stands. He either pulls his head out of between his own buttocks, ditches the gym fantasy girl and reconnects with you, or he goes. It’s now October. It’s been months of his mooning and it’s not acceptable.
For what it’s worth my husband had a brief dalliance. He thought he was super discrete and careful (he was not). I caught it and actively encouraged, in fact told him, to please leave. Well, that was a wake up call for him! I actually couldn’t get rid of him, still can’t, many years later. He won’t do that again.
Take back control now. This weird fancying and mooning helps no one.

My friends ( the very few that I’ve told ) think I should either A- message the woman and ask if there’s anything I need to worry about, or B- send 1 of them to the gym so they can bombared her with questions. I think both ideas just make me come across as needy and childish. I even said the other day, let’s meet for drinks ( the 4 of us ), and he said no it’s too far gone now cuz he doesn’t trust me not to make comments to her once I’ve had a drink. Said I’m just jealous.

Then out he goes in the bin. They're both waiting for an opportunity to sleep together.

Before you bin him make sure you have copies of pay slips, assets, bank statements, mortgage, pensions and all financial.

Book an appointment with a solicitor to see what you'd be entitled if you divorced & then decide what you want to do. Do you have children?

I’m really not sure what you’re waiting for. They’re having an emotional affair. Possibly a physical one if they’re meeting up on their days off. Her fiancé can see it so he joins her at the gym. You know it yet you’re still with him? He’s gaslighting you by saying you’re just jealous over an affair he’s definitely having. What more evidence do you need?

Yes your friends plan would make a fool of you to be honest.
I was meaning more a “plan” for your marriage. It seems done to be honest. Your husband is so disrespectful to you, I would consider paying down the law now. Make him chose, as you can’t go on like this.

I agree with others you need to join the same gym. It would be better if he doesn't go there on his own. If you want to stay married to him it needs nipping in the bud. He is being disrespectful.

Laying down the law pull but I’m sure you get the jist. This must be so painful for you.

He says he sees her as a little sister / cousin and just wants to look out for her. I wasn’t born yesterday.

You seem to know lots of details of their conversations and interactions. Does he really tell you all of this? So strange that he’s basically outing himself. If they were sleeping together he wouldn’t be telling you all of this. I suspect he is infatuated and can’t help himself telling you / wants you jealous because it makes him feel like there is a chance she would want him. In actual fact she’s bringing her fiancé to the gym so unlikely to be doing that if she wanted something to develop between them. She probably just likes the attention and making her bf jealous enough to propose.

But I couldn’t get over his behaviour. You seem to have good self confidence and you deserve someone who a) isn’t infatuated with a young girl b) doesn’t rub it in your face c) has empathy for how it would make you feel.

My wife is mentioned in the first conversation i have with a new woman i meet. Every time. It puts everyone at ease, and it's very easy to do in a way that doesn't seem staged, or out of context..

This is why you need to lay down the law. He’s honestly full of shit. Don’t take any more of this disrespect. Does his little sister talk to him about her favorite sex positions? You can’t stop him from doing anything at this point. But you can take the power back.

Yeah he’ll get back from the gym, tell me about conversations with some of his guy mates for like 10 seconds, then spend the next 10 minutes talking about his conversations with this girl. He says if there was anything in it he wouldn’t be telling me, which I get to some degree, but it’s just strange. I think you’re totaly right about the boyfriend proposing because of that reason. Maybe she’ll stop being as flirty now she’s more ‘committed’ and my husband will lose interest as soon as he stops getting attention.

He’s completely friend zoning you but talking about her continuously.

That’s so true! I will say that to him. Very odd saying that when he’s been talking to her about sex, probably more than he’s let on to me.