Husband getting close to girl at the gym

[Amy808]

I just wondered what people’s opinions were on this.

So, my husband goes to the gym, a lot. Pretty much every day. He normally goes with a few friends, but I’ve heard other guys names mentioned over the years. But never another woman.

A couple of months ago he started mentioning another woman who goes there. Said she’s really nice etc etc. Apparently the other guys all fancy her, but he doesn’t as ‘ she’s too young for him’. He’s only in his 30’s so that’s a load of rubbish anyway, presuming she’s in her 20’s.

Fast forward a few months and he’s gone from mentioning her once or twice to talking about her quite a lot. Nothing exciting, just conversations they’ve had. He seems to know where she works / lives / her gym schedule / what car she drives … It’s all a bit stalker ish for me. I’ve asked him twice now if he fancies her and he’s denied it both times, but he’s never got this friendly with another woman since we’ve been together ( 10 plus years ).

He now follows her fitness page on socials too. Am I going over the top or are they getting too close? He said she doesn’t speak to many of the other guys because they all perv on her but he doesn’t ( apparently ).

I know people are going to say it’s not a problem to have opposite sex friends. It just seems like they’ve got a bit close and he almost goes out of his way to chat with her.

Shall I just drop the whole thing or maybe just keep an eye on it in the background? Any opinions welcome. Thank you x

Can I just clarify here, when OP said he 'gets off' to her gym selfies... do we mean 'liking' (as in a thumbs up on social media) or taking his phone off to the bathroom to literally 'get off'...?

Degloving risk. You shouldn’t wear a ring for any kind of manual work

If she wanted to get rid of him she wouldn’t have joined in on the banter, added him on socials or even discussed sexual preferences.

Most likely her partner got fed up of this nonsense too and predictably, she chose to stick around in her actual relationship.

@Amy808 the “you got what you wanted” would have done me in, to be quite honest.

He’s behaving pathetically and I’m not sure I’d be able to move on from this, especially that he’s not even acknowledging the crush he has. There will always be a new girl at the gym, what does this say about him? Even if he drops this one, are you going to be worried forever about the next time it happens?

@Amy808 Very gently, because nobody wants this to be true, least if all you, I think for a simple crush he’s making far too much song and dance about it. Although thinking the worst is terrifying and very,very painful (been there done that) at some point you need to stop minimising this. It’s easier to think it’s a just a crush and she’s doing it to everybody, but Amy, who cares about that? Your husband is involved with it and has crossed more boundaries than Putin.
Would a woman really get engaged whilst interested in another man to the extent of staring in a mirror and discussing sex with? Not be wary of a sudden proposal in the middle of a jealous episode involving another man? In my experience women who get engaged are in love with the man they say ‘yes’ to and splatter it all over social media and couldn’t care less about other guys’ attention. They protect their engagement and relationship and wouldn’t need ‘policing’ at the gym. And how unhealthy and controlling is that dynamic? Who the hell agrees to that? I was proposed to decades ago by my then boyfriend just before I left for university. It had the opposite effect: he might as well have put the ring through my nose with a chain on it: he wanted me marked out as ‘taken’ and it was the most unromantic, needy turn-off you could think of.
You’ll never know if they message etc, you’d never find out, hiding messages is so easy now. But of course they do, too many coincidences for them not to be arranging things. She goes the same lunchtimes as him? Give over!
I’d tell him you don’t trust him, he needs to see that this relationship (sex talk, liking gym selfies etc being the friendship boundary) is inappropriate for a married man, and that her being policed being the only thing that has changed his behaviour, ie he hasn’t cut contact himself, is not enough. You need a concrete gesture from him now to prove that his marriage and relationship with you means more to him than his relationship with her. He needs apologise, cut all contact with her and join a different gym at the very, very least.

We don’t know she joined in on the sexual banter do we… that’s just what he’s told OP?

When younger, men did start conversations like this with me at the gym and bars, at first it’s just a bit of double entendre that may slip beneath your radar because you’re in a public space, right, so it’s safe and he’s being charming… but then he pushes the envelope way past your comfort zone and you have no idea how to extricate yourself without it being awkward when you see him again (which you will do, because he’s there all the flipping time) and because you think it was your fault for initially engaging or being too naive to see where it was going. So, you laugh along awkwardly and then gradually move away on the pretext of needing to leave now or visit the loos etc.

I wouldn’t take anything this man has said at face value.

Yeah I think you should start going to the gym with him just to see what's going on

I can't believe what Im reading

your partner is massively disrespecting you Op.

I also think there is a very strong possibility that she initially entertained him and the other men at the gym, liking the attention. Then your H has decided after a few conversations that there is something between them and has made sure he’s always around when she is and they’re super close and everyone is jealous of him. This could all be in his head and fawning is a real reaction to feeling sexually harassed. She doesn’t want to make a scene or do something that will ignite conflict so she has tried to be friendly but the intensity has increased to the point her fiancé now joins her because she has asked him to. He would undoubtedly be annoyed that the older men in the gym have been making her uncomfortable. Looking at him in the mirror could be because she’s worried he will come over and a confrontation will happen especially if her fiancée has had enough.

It’s all speculation and there are lots of scenarios that could be true all the way to a full blown affair. But what is not in doubt it your H being clearly obsessed with this girl (requited or not) is deeply disrespectful and hurtful to your marriage. His gaslighting and not taking into account your feelings are unacceptable. Something needs to change. If it’s not him then it will have to be you.

@Lotsnlotsoflove His loss, really his loss. Glad you're ok.

Yes this 👆

He's bored of the relationship he's in with you after over ten years. He's met someone gorgeous, young and exciting with their whole life ahead of them and it reminds him of when he was young before he got locked into the work, kids, marriage set-up. Most women do look their best at the 19-20 age range and this is the age men are likely to find the most desirable.

However, it sounds like she doesn't want to be with someone older, who flirts despite being married. She wants someone her own age or with better moral character than him. He'd drop you in a heartbeat if he thought he could swap and have her (sorry). A lot of men would cheat if the opportunity arose to do so but young, gorgeous women simply don't want some balding, fat, poor bloke with no education and nothing to show for his life (which is the case with for most of them).

Take this as a sign your marriage has moved to the convenience stage. Start separating finances so you have a safety net. He's openly going to the gym to chat up this woman, he openly wants to cheat but she won't let him. The other woman sounds like an ally more than a rival.

Men and women can just be friends if they were friends before their romantic relationships began. New opposite gender friendships rarely work without leading to affairs.

You are not overreacting. When someone spends months speaking with another person yet never mentions being married, it suggests a lack of transparency. Even if nothing inappropriate has happened, the situation shows poor boundaries and disregard for your feelings. It would be reasonable to have an honest conversation with him about respect and what you consider acceptable in your relationship.

Yep. This.

Women only gyms exist because women are sick of being harassed at the gym. Perhaps he could do with finding a men only gym he he feels he can't help himself.

You're 'not particularly happy with this' what the fuck. This is disgusting. If my partner did this he'd be gone, he wouldn't do it because he's not a creep.

Your comment is unnecessarily mean to someone who is already suffering. I believe the OP 100%. There are people like this and I have heard such stories firsthand before.

I like this advice. Like you and any self-respecting adult I would not join the gym to supervise him, nor would I message her or change social media pictures (if I was on social media, which I am not). It shouldn't be up to the OP to police her husband's interactions with other women. That isn't what we aim for is it? Men who'll cheat at the first opportunity when our backs are turned.

Posting to be able to find post later. There will definitely be more updates to this mess.

You have children. Your children are hearing this and watching and learning, taking it all in along with your reaction to it.

OP, I think you know this isn't acceptable. I can only say personally I used to put up with all sorts of rubbish. Having my DC ramped my self-esteem up to the roof. I think having DC should ramp yours up too. You're a parent now, his behaviour is unacceptable. He's using you for convenience. Even if she blocked him on everything indefinitely today this will never really change, he'll still be using you until what he feels is a better offer comes along.

Divorce him on the grounds of infidelity.

Don't bother reading it then.

I personally found attention from men at the gym a real turn off. There seemed to be a lot of lonely men who would compete for attention. Was constantly looked at and the mirrors didn't help. Even in the cafe area there were men scanning for new woman or a specific women. I didn't stick around long.

The part about 2 men talking about sex is telling. The OP says it's a small gym but two men were talking loud enough for a woman to hear.

It may be that this 20 something woman tried to make friends but it got too creepy.

Having the boyfriend/fiance there may be because she is feeling uncomfortable. Also her mother for a visit.

Looking in the mirror may be an attempt to set boundaries now.

It's hard to tell.

A young attractive 20ish woman doesn't have to go to a gym for male attention. She will get hit on in the shops, at work etc.

Regardless on all this the DH has been getting off on all of the perceived attention and is sulking now (if the story is true). He may be realising what a fool he has made of himself. He does sound angry.

Yip I never wear mine to the gym and DH doesn’t either.

Anyway OP in my opinion he is already gone. He might not have actually done anything yet but he has feelings for this woman and the second he gets a chance he will be off. Why wait for it to happen?

His behaviour is disrespectful and not normal at all. He thinks she has ‘friend zoned’ him - this shows his disappointment, a normal thing to say if you didn’t have feelings would be to say ‘we are just friends’ and also a normal response to her boyfriend joining the gym to very obviously keep an eye on things would be to back off, but he hasn’t.

Don’t join the gym or message the woman, keep your dignity.