Husband getting close to girl at the gym

[Amy808]

I just wondered what people’s opinions were on this.

So, my husband goes to the gym, a lot. Pretty much every day. He normally goes with a few friends, but I’ve heard other guys names mentioned over the years. But never another woman.

A couple of months ago he started mentioning another woman who goes there. Said she’s really nice etc etc. Apparently the other guys all fancy her, but he doesn’t as ‘ she’s too young for him’. He’s only in his 30’s so that’s a load of rubbish anyway, presuming she’s in her 20’s.

Fast forward a few months and he’s gone from mentioning her once or twice to talking about her quite a lot. Nothing exciting, just conversations they’ve had. He seems to know where she works / lives / her gym schedule / what car she drives … It’s all a bit stalker ish for me. I’ve asked him twice now if he fancies her and he’s denied it both times, but he’s never got this friendly with another woman since we’ve been together ( 10 plus years ).

He now follows her fitness page on socials too. Am I going over the top or are they getting too close? He said she doesn’t speak to many of the other guys because they all perv on her but he doesn’t ( apparently ).

I know people are going to say it’s not a problem to have opposite sex friends. It just seems like they’ve got a bit close and he almost goes out of his way to chat with her.

Shall I just drop the whole thing or maybe just keep an eye on it in the background? Any opinions welcome. Thank you x

Sorry OP it does sound like he fancies her.

I think the solution is to go to the gym, outdo her at everything and flirt with some of the men. But I’m a bit of a dick like that.

Long term, you need to speak to him again and monitor the situation .

Jesus just dump him. He's awful. Why are you begging him to pay attention to you and be loyal to your marriage? He's shown that he is way more interested in pursuing this young girl than making you happy.

I would be ending this relationship now.

@CautiousLurker01 ! wouldn’t waste my time chasing him all (by joining the gym or anything else that might be considered the ‘pick me’ dance).
I’d be showing him the door after all this.

Hi, my point was not for her to ask him to choose or "chase him", but to get the proof of an affair if she was contemplating separation or divorce. I would have dumped him ages ago but I'm not Amy and she has 2 children to think about - he obviously does not think about them that much and no photo sharing with his new bestie.

He sounds gross. How can you even be attracted to him? It doesn’t matter if something has gone on between them or not but simply the way he has treated you and deliberately made you feel insecure etc is a massive ick and turn off. I couldn’t bare to be near someone like that let alone share a bed!
Also I’m a regular gym goer and these guys stand out a mile and most of us girls find them creepy af.

Noooo it’s not a bit harsh - my first two posts were too kind I think! We’re now on page 12 and getting nowhere……OP needs a wake up call - at least I haven’t call OPs husband a shedload of abusive names! I’ve been restrained by comparison.

Ah apologies I should have RTFT.

He’s had too many chances.
His behaviour has given me the ick , he sounds gross and is lying all over the shop.
I don’t think there can be a future for you in this relationship.
Stay strong x

Also if they’ve discussed sex lives, what’s he said about you? Just as she said her sex life was not ideal, he’s likely said similar about you to her.

Id be going with if this gym and this girl is more important to you than your partner whom has told you numerous times that she's deeply uncomfortable with this 'friendship' then he doesnt value his partner or her feelings. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

You don’t need proof of an affair at all for a divorce or separation these days. The courts do not care and it makes no difference to the settlement - so why go to the effort and rub salt in the wound?

And there may not be an actual affair, just a stupid man fawning inappropriately over a younger woman and rubbing his wife’s nose in it. That should be enough to call him to task and ask him to leave.

He said 1 of the men was talking to him about sex and she just joined In the conversation. Saying what she liked etc, then walked off again. He said he didn’t even know she was behind them listening.

She is his "gym crush" according to my daughter's dad, every guy has a gym crush and it helps give them motivation when they're at the gym. Ridiculous.

DH bent his wedding ring out of shape lifting at the gym, and it cut into his finger.
After that he took it off for gym (but wears it at all other times).
I agree with PP who says it's a gym crush.
Might not leave the gym, hard to tell, but not an affair as such.

Agree with this. No embarrassing yourself by showing up at the gym or messaging her directly as some have suggested.

It just sounds like he’s saying anything to you. Not the truth, but pivots to whatever fits the evidence you have.

He admits to a conversation about sex, but now he’s saying he wasn’t involved, a 3rd party instigated it & she was eavesdropping as if to say he did nothing wrong. I reckon he’s been lying to you like this, all your relationship.

I had an interaction with a guy like this through work when I was single. He allowed us to get extremely close, opened up to one another, talked endlessly, we went for coffee, dinner, would stay let when it wasn't really necessary just chatting and getting to know one another. He extended the work project we were on so we could 'spend more time together'. Flirting. Implying he fancied me. He knew loads about me and would go out of his way to do kind things and help me out (all implying we were flirting towards dating etc.) and it turns out he had a long-term live-in gf he just 'forgot' to mention. Like, he would tell me what he had done and the weekend and just leave her out of the story, block photos she was in on social media so I couldn't see them etc. When a mutual told me he had this long term partner, I was gobsmacked and asked him 'wtf?' He then said 'I didn't purposely not mention her. You are taking this all wrong. I don't have to share my relationship status with people I work with.' These men are ridiculous.

He should have said he doesn’t fancy her because he fancies and loves YOU OP!!
From what you’re saying, YANBU, there is definitely something wrong about this! Even if nothing is going on (yet) he definitely fancies her and he’s taking the p*ss and gaslighting you by telling you about her because this way he can say ‘If I fancied her, I’d not be telling you about her, would I!’ My ex husband was like this!
Are you a member at the gym? This girl might not even know your husband is married! They are good at hiding it…

He might as well start every conversation he has with you about the gym…. ‘Once upon a time…’

It sounds like having to listen to him come home from the gym boasting about his new friendship and their fascinating discussions has been going on for some time.

I think in one post he called you jealous.. that's why he's doing it. Its all ego related. He's such a "catch"

It must be very hard to put up with this.

Organise a counselling session so that he can experience the chilling effect of someone else hearing him say all this crap.

It sounds unbearable.

YES!! Exactly!!
That’s a horrid thing to do, and I’m sorry that happened to you! Some women with less backbone than you would have gone for it, even if he was in a serious relationship or married! Like the floozie my ex husband moved in with! I lost 19 stones of useless fat in a week! 😂 I can laugh about it now but it was bloody hard at the time! I feel for OP!

Yes, it’s the begging yourself up to make someone else feel small. It’s a form of psychological abuse. This man is a very nasty piece of work IMHO.

OP I would take his whole story with a very large pinch of salt to be honest. Here’s what might be going on:
He’s met a young woman who has shown an interest, loves the attention and enjoys flirting with her.
Mentionitis starts: he enjoys re-visiting what went on and talking about it all, even to you.
You object to his new ‘friend’ at the gym.
He denies it’s anything inappropriate or over the top. It continues and (surprise surprise) escalates so you object further.
He enjoys your objections and jealousy and the triangulation of the whole thing. Like a pyramid with him at the top of it and two women vying for his exclusive attention at the bottom,
The further objections no doubt, however, start to make him alarmed that you might object to the point that you will actually intervene and/ or show up to his little gym parties.
Dilemma: how to enjoy the emotional/ threatening to turn physical affair at the gym and keep the peace at home so that Amy stays out of it and I get no more grief about it?
Best option: to reassure Amy that it’s nothing and it’s ok for me to have friends, isn’t it?
Answer: gaslighting #101: “You’ve got this all wrong. It’s not what you think it is. Nothing to see here….”
Now Amy’s moaning about it is her problem, not mine.
Problem: Gaslighting not working yet, Amy still suspicious and objecting.
Solution: convince Amy that even if she wanted to, this girl can’t interact with me any more. And as if by magic:
Hey presto! She’s got engaged. Hey presto! The fiancé accompanies her to the gym now. Hey presto! She’s not alone with me at the gym any more.
Hey presto! She’s obviously not allowed to even speak to me any more, therefore I can go to the gym whenever I like because Amy thinks my new friend has been put off limits.
If Amy still objects I can hit the gaslighting pedal harder add trying to guilt her about that with shit like “I hope you’re happy now you’ve got your own way” etc etc
To me the fiancé story may or may not be true. It’s obvious he’s lying about the nature of his friendship so he’s capable of lying about anything to protect it. His ego is having far too much fun to stop now without big consequences.
To me it was all a bit convenient that this fiancé stuff suddenly happened, however I do accept it’s of course possible and might actually be true.
The extent to which this is ego driven is very clear, he’s absolutely loving the attention from her plus the objections from you, and if this fiancé story is true and her fiancé thinks she fancies your husband and has taken steps against it, it’s a wonder his ego hasn’t exploded. He couldn’t resist telling you that she was barred from interacting with him but stared in the mirror at him the whole time. Blimey, he loves himself more than anybody else at the moment.
OP p saying LTB is easy, and nobody knows your true feelings or circumstances so it’s up to you with no judgment from me.
One thing is clear though: this cannot continue. It must stop.
It is no life for you and will damage your mental health. He needs boundaries and consequences if you want to save your marriage, otherwise what is going on now will become the rest of your life and you deserve better from him.

This ☝️

OP you need stronger boundaries.

There is no way in hell I would accept any of this. The first time he brung her up and started complimenting her I would have shut it down straight away.

Talking about sex positions and telling you he gets off to her gym selfies?! WTAF!

OP please give yourself a shake, you are the mother of his kids and his behaviour is disgusting. He sounds like a dirty old pervert (I say that as someone in my twenties).

I would have his bags packed when he comes from the gym. What a chancer. He’s gaslighting you saying nothing is going on and he’s being open and honest. Don’t question your sanity. This is not normal.

What I thinks happened. A new girls joined the gym. Young pretty girl, so most of the men are going to be watching ( perving 🙄 ). He said she’s quite confident so she’s probably chatted to a few of the men there to try and make herself more comfortable in her new surroundings, as the gym is quite a male dominated place, and I can see why some woman would feel uncomfortable.

He’s Probably started chatting to her to show off to his friends, oh look at me, the new attractive girl is chatting with me. From there they’re just got too comfortable with eachother and divulged too much information. She’s obviously spoken about him to her boyfriend ( now fiancé ), and being a bloke himself, he knew straight away what was going on so has gone to stop it before it goes too far.

Things like do they DM, WhatsApp each other? I have no idea. I have an inclin they must as it’s too much of a coincidence that they’re always there together at different times / days in the week.

At the very least, he just had a ridiculous school like crush on her. At the most, who knows. I’m just going to gather my thoughts and decide what to do next.

But what you may be missing is that if her BF had to come to the gym it may have been to protect her: it may be that what started out on her part as a ‘harmless’ flirtation and an ego boost with a chatty bloke ended with your DH being predatory and a nuisance. It may be that, being a young inexperienced 20 something, she didn’t know how to get rid of him even when she’d told him she was engaged.

Honestly, I’d not be quick to be dismissive.