Husband getting close to girl at the gym

[Amy808]

I just wondered what people’s opinions were on this.

So, my husband goes to the gym, a lot. Pretty much every day. He normally goes with a few friends, but I’ve heard other guys names mentioned over the years. But never another woman.

A couple of months ago he started mentioning another woman who goes there. Said she’s really nice etc etc. Apparently the other guys all fancy her, but he doesn’t as ‘ she’s too young for him’. He’s only in his 30’s so that’s a load of rubbish anyway, presuming she’s in her 20’s.

Fast forward a few months and he’s gone from mentioning her once or twice to talking about her quite a lot. Nothing exciting, just conversations they’ve had. He seems to know where she works / lives / her gym schedule / what car she drives … It’s all a bit stalker ish for me. I’ve asked him twice now if he fancies her and he’s denied it both times, but he’s never got this friendly with another woman since we’ve been together ( 10 plus years ).

He now follows her fitness page on socials too. Am I going over the top or are they getting too close? He said she doesn’t speak to many of the other guys because they all perv on her but he doesn’t ( apparently ).

I know people are going to say it’s not a problem to have opposite sex friends. It just seems like they’ve got a bit close and he almost goes out of his way to chat with her.

Shall I just drop the whole thing or maybe just keep an eye on it in the background? Any opinions welcome. Thank you x

i go to gym twice a week to do weights and i have to say, to have this level of closeness / conversation seems quite unusual. I have only been going last 3 years so not mad fanatic but i can tell there is an etiquette- mainly everyone busy getting on with their own routine- not much chat at all. Often when there is it is between older men (who not doing much!!)
Even if you move off something for someone else to come on, there is the briefest interchange.
To have found out so much info your husband must have spent quite a bit of time with her. Even if on bikes or machines next to one another no one speaks to each other. Many people have earplugs etc- surprisingly very individual experience.
tbh feels like precious time for everyone not to be wasted.
Hope this is useful

I would ask him to change gyms or go at a different time if that's possible, perhaps tell him you want to start going to the gym with him yourself. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. I speak from personal experience having been in an almost identical situation myself. We are no longer married! I'm sorry you are going through this but you need to step in now before it's too late.

You know in your gut this has crossed a line.

You don’t need to stake out the gym to see if he speaks to her when he walks out…

Hes continuing this ‘friendship’ because he doesn’t want to stop. Even when it hurts you.

What does that tell you?

Yes I did mention him wearing ear phones and just ignoring her. He said ‘he’s not autistic’ and if someone speaks to him he can’t just blank them and keep his earphones in. I also mentioned going at different times and he says he’s goes when he knows 1 of the ‘boys’ is there so they can spot him if needed.

Ask him to wear his wedding ring to the gym. Then he doesn't have to ignore her, but she should realise she's crossing a line and back off or at least moderate how much she's flirting with him.

Would he be happy for you to have the same relationship with another man? i fear you already know the answer.

Wearing rings at the gym, particularly if you're lifting weights, is a very bad idea.

I think he needs to start going to a different gym.

I was also going to say that surely she isn't the only friendly face at the gym he can talk to? Where are all the men? One thing I always envied when I was young - a very long time ago - was that a male stranger could walk into a pub alone and within 5/10 minutes he would be chatting to another male and had found a new friend. A lot of the time it would be about football but often other subjects and there never seemed any awkwardness. (If you wonder how I know they had just met - either I heard conversations whilst I was waiting for someone or I was barmaid in that particular pub/club so I knew they were not friends beforehand. I hated having to meet my mate at the pub as I was very self concious and would usually wait outside until they turned up, but if it was raining and howling a gale I would go in and be really embarrassed, get my drink and stand near the door and used to wish I was a bloke as by the time I had recovered myself and found a table near the door (if there was one), I could have found a new best mate.

OP it definitely sounds like he has a limerence for this girl and has enjoyed the ego stroke.
He's told you about it so that he's "not doing anything" etc. But the reality is different as your well aware and he's crossing a boundary.

Hopefully with the fiancée also taking umbrage he will realise he's been a royal gas knob and apologise.
If he continues with the sulking however in your shoes I would be having a honest conversation about if he wants to be in this marriage or not.

Seriously. Stop all this suggestions of pick me dancing / enforcing wedding ring wearing/ following around / talking to her etc etc (I’ve lost track).

OP only needs to concentrate on her husbands behaviour. From his actions already we can see he doesn’t give a shit about OP or the effects of his actions on his children.

OP he is showing you who he is - believe him.

I know it’s hard but you deserve much more.

Ah, so he's an arsehole in several ways. Not surprising.

Thanks for getting back op,
It's to much of a coincidence that they meet up at the same times, they're msg each other,
And h going on a Sunday morning, that's family time op breakfast together as a family day out, but he goes of to the gym just at a time ow is there too, its so fishy op,
You asked if a friend should ask ow if you should be worried op, no no, your h should be worried , please take back your power ,

Are you allowed to look at his fone his emails, do you know were she works,

Get angry and start digging op,

There is nothing he can do to fix this now, that ship sailed the first time OP mentioned her concerns and he ignored her and carried on. He had a choice to make in that moment, and he didn't choose OP.

FGS OP!!! You’ve got to be more proactive!!
I can’t believe this thread anymore - you’re happy to passively accept all this crap your husband is doling out to you - despite almost EVERYONE giving you pretty good advice on possible actions.
If your husband asked you to have a ‘doormat’
tattoo on your forehead I’d expect you to say yes!!

Bit harsh. It’s hard to accept the very worst we all know that.

Op do not be fooled by what he had just said . I can Garantee you he only said shes ignored him and you got your own way just so you think they ain’t speaking no more and he shit himself thinking you were going to go to the gym to talk to her ! I can Garantee you nothing has changed

He sounds like a sad middle age man, sniffing around a young woman.
But it's worse because he's in his 30's. He sounds a real catch, flirting and probably sexting this woman when he's married with kids. Sounds like an emotional affair and I would be seriously looking at the future without him.
What a complete knob he really is.

This

Did you say in one of your posts he talked about sex and favourite sexual positions? I am sorry if that was another post - if it was you then why would he discuss sex with his little sister?

Just wondering if he's trying to make OP jealous or something? Otherwise if he had designs on this woman/ clearly crossing a line with her - why is he so open about it?

OP how engaged is he in your home life/ children? Has this changed at all since he's been going to the gym? I guess some people have tonnes of energy but I can't imagine having that much energy for gymming it every day - but that's me - seems like something would have to give.

I'm not getting the impression he's keeping himself strong and healthy for his kids and wife - seems more about vanity - you can be strong and healthy without being super pumped up as you describe.

Ok so the first thing he did after this argument was go to the gym & see her. That’s disrespectful isn’t it?

Then he had the audacity to come home huffing because she didn’t speak to him. After you said to stop communication as it’s gone too far. Do you not find that disrespectful? He clearly never intended to stop their “relationship”.

I’m just confused because you’re letting this develop into some never ending saga, when you just need to be clear with him that your marriage is at risk & you’re not happy with his behaviour. Cause the fact he’s still seeing her & giving you play by plays of how they lock eyes in the mirror, is odd. Instead your ultimatum was that you’ll tell her fiancé. Do that if you want, but what does that have to do with the boundaries of your marriage?

Ask him to move out whilst you consider things. I wouldn't be able to look at him.

Some women will never change their situation no matter how much advice they receive.

This is madness