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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex in marriage and consent...

139 replies

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 06:07

I guess I need a sense check. I'm mid forties, been married 20 years to my childhood sweetheart. Sex is... fine sometimes quite enjoyable, other times I get it done if you know what I mean. But sometimes I don't want to have sex or I'm asleep. Last week I woke up and he had both fingers inside me (one in each place sorry to be graphic). I led completely still and then he had sex with me. I was totally silent and not moving the entire time. He finished and without saying anything got up and went away. It happened again a few days later exactly the same except I put a pillow over my head to sort of get away? I don't expect rose petals and soft music (literally never happened!) But I had hoped for more than this in my marriage.
I would like to know whether others "get it
done"? that's normal right... sometimes it's a bit of a chore but you know it'll be OK and he'll feel better and I might even enjoy it. Also I want to tell him to stop doing stuff when I'm asleep, it feels... weird.
He's otherwise a very nice man, great with he kids, does loads of housework, sorts all the money out etc. Just a bit hard work when it comes to sex.

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 09/08/2025 06:10

No never

my husband is a good guy and has never sexually assaulted me

stayathomer · 09/08/2025 06:10

Op people get it done, but it’s been initiated while both parties are engaging with each other. Did you say it to him? You were asleep, you can’t consent while asleep, he took it from you. You need to tell him he can’t do that

Thingamebobwotsit · 09/08/2025 06:10

There is a world of difference between getting it done, versus non-consensual sex.

You need to seek professional advice or help, from your GP ideally or a domestic abuse charity.

I would also ask MN to change the title of your post. This could have trigger warnings or be taken down as a hoax thread.

EBearhug · 09/08/2025 06:10

It's weird because you can't consent while you're asleep, so he's raping you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

Gotabadfeelingaboutthis · 09/08/2025 06:12

This is not ok. You need to tell him firmly and clearly that it is not ok. It is sexual assault. If someone is asleep then they cannot consent.

UnimaginableWindBird · 09/08/2025 06:17

I think you already know the answer. Your husband is routinely raping you, and that is not normal or ok or just one of those annoying areas of compromise in a long term relationship. It's abuse, and it's a crime.

unsync · 09/08/2025 06:19

This is sexual assault and rape. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Please get some support and decide what you would like to do. You can report him to the Police, they will be able to provide you with support services for your area. Women's Aid are also very good, I found them really helpful.

Original poster
RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 06:28

Thanks for the speedy replies. This is not a hoax thread , I've been on Mumsnet for years (I can still remember that thread about an OP who was meeting someone at a bird park in Bourton in the Water) I'm sad someone would think it is.
It's just that I don't think it feels like rape? My husband isn't a rapist. He's very nice! I could have got up or moved away I just chose to be totally still.
I kind of thought it was fairly normal in a kind of lie back and think of England way. I can't be the only one surely?

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 09/08/2025 06:31

Please don't let this be true. OP your husband is routinely raping you. This is not normal

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 09/08/2025 06:32

He’s having sex with you which begins when you are asleep and which you haven’t consented to. I’m so sorry but that is rape and your husband is a rapist. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you.

RonaldMcDonald · 09/08/2025 06:36

I’m sorry but it is rape and sexual assault. Consent isn’t a blanket. It has to be enthusiastically gained for each act. Sexual acts without consent are always action of control and a violation. That someone you love would carry any sexual act when you had placed a pillow over your head is horrifying. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Please speak to someone in Rape Crisis, Refuge or Women’s Aid about these behaviours and let them spend some time helping you as you put this all together.
Some absolute charmers are abusive. I hope you are okay and have someone you can share this with in rl.

jackstini · 09/08/2025 06:37

No it is not normal at all

Agreeing to have sex when it feels like a bit of a chore is one thing - it’s not great, but you’re consenting

Him having sex with you and doing other stuff whilst you’re asleep is not consensual

Why didn’t you say anything? If I’d have woken up with fingers or a cock in me I’d have been fucking furious

Yes, you need to tell him to stop doing stuff when you’re asleep - it’s not weird, it’s rape

Planesmistakenforstars · 09/08/2025 06:38

Your husband is a rapist. He is assaulting and raping you. I am sorry you are going through this, and appreciate how hard it is to process. Please get some help and support.

As for "get it done." I think there can sometimes be aspects of maintenance sex in a long term relationship. But it is not normal to feel you have to go through with sex you don't want purely to assuage the other person. What are the consequences of you saying "no?" If there is sulking, guilt tripping, silent treatment, snarky comments etc than that is coercion, which is also sexual abuse, though much more insidious. And is also not part of a normal, healthy sex life.

Onthemaintrunkline · 09/08/2025 06:39

This is totally, absolutely not ok. He is treating you like a sex object, concerned only with his own wants. I couldn’t look him in the face after this.

Thingamebobwotsit · 09/08/2025 06:40

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 06:28

Thanks for the speedy replies. This is not a hoax thread , I've been on Mumsnet for years (I can still remember that thread about an OP who was meeting someone at a bird park in Bourton in the Water) I'm sad someone would think it is.
It's just that I don't think it feels like rape? My husband isn't a rapist. He's very nice! I could have got up or moved away I just chose to be totally still.
I kind of thought it was fairly normal in a kind of lie back and think of England way. I can't be the only one surely?

I don't necessarily have enough information to think this is a hoax thread at this stage, but it is very personal and there have been some weird threads on MN in the early hours recently. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Just to be very clear though. This is very definitely assault. Thinking of England when you are not totally up for it, is one thing. But what you are describing is a totally different thing - you are waking up to find him molesting you.

It is not acceptable and no decent person would think this was ok to do to their other half when they were asleep.

ObliviousCoalmine · 09/08/2025 06:40

It’s a very difficult thing to process, because when you think of rape and sexual assault, you think of a struggle or resistance or violence and this doesn’t have that.

Unless you’ve explicitly had a conversation where you’ve stated you completely consent to him touching you in your sleep (which is a thing that some people do), then this is sexual assault and he is raping you. Implied consent isn’t consent.

It feels weird because it is weird. Trust how you feel.

GreatWhiteWail · 09/08/2025 06:40

You can't consent to sex if you're asleep.

He using your body like a sex doll.

No, this is not normal. This is not a lie back and think of England situation.

I would feel so disgustingly violated if my husband did this to me.

nellly · 09/08/2025 06:42

stayathomer · 09/08/2025 06:10

Op people get it done, but it’s been initiated while both parties are engaging with each other. Did you say it to him? You were asleep, you can’t consent while asleep, he took it from you. You need to tell him he can’t do that

This!! Sometimes we’re both sort of going through the motions a bit becuase we know we feel closer/better after and we want to keep that bit of our marriage alive so yes I’m just “getting it done” but we’re both willingly consenting and making a decision to have sex. And crucially we’re both awake!

OneNewLeader · 09/08/2025 06:42

If you chose to have sex in order to make your life easier, that’s on you (consent) If you are asleep and he has sex with you, that’s on him (non consensual, aka rape).

Chocja · 09/08/2025 06:43

Unless you have previously given extremely clear permission for him to wake you like that then it is rape.

I am so sorry it’s happened to you and I think you need to speak to professionals

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

I would be very concerned about this escalating as he seems to think he can do what he wants to you. This needs to be dealt with before it gets worse,

Again I am very sorry what he did is very wrong and traumatic from the person whom you love and trust to be unconscious around.

nhs.uk

Help after rape and sexual assault

Find out about sexual assault and rape, where to get help and whether it has to be reported to the police, plus how to find a sexual assault referral centre.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault

Iclyn · 09/08/2025 06:43

I've been married a long time , and will admit to having sex to please him when not really in the mood .
However it's never been without consent , being forced into , coerced , or waking up and finding fingers in me and then pretending to be asleep whilst he continues to have sex .
You say he is a nice man and no rapist , what is your definition of rape ?
It's not always being chased down the street and being thrown to the ground by a stranger .
Most rapes happen to women who know the person .
What he is doing to you ( don't call it rape of you don't want to ) is at least sexual assault , and it is being done by your not nice husband who has no respect to you or your body .

Original poster
RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 06:53

jackstini · 09/08/2025 06:37

No it is not normal at all

Agreeing to have sex when it feels like a bit of a chore is one thing - it’s not great, but you’re consenting

Him having sex with you and doing other stuff whilst you’re asleep is not consensual

Why didn’t you say anything? If I’d have woken up with fingers or a cock in me I’d have been fucking furious

Yes, you need to tell him to stop doing stuff when you’re asleep - it’s not weird, it’s rape

Why didn't I say anything? I don't know. I think maybe I was a bit surprised? But I just led very very still. I was on my side and facing away from him. I should have said something.

It's happened before a few years ago and I remember I basically woke up and he was in me and I then went on to orgasm so maybe he thought the same would happen?
People who are recommending Rape Crisis... what could they do for me? I'm not hugely traumatised I don't think.

OP posts:
SparklyGlitterballs · 09/08/2025 06:54

No, this is not normal OP, and you need to stop minimising it and being in denial.

Touching you sexually while you're asleep is assault. Penetrating you while you're asleep is rape. Just because he's your husband doesn't make it any less than that.

Also, if he's asked for sex and you've said no, and he keeps on trying to persuade you until you give in, then that's coercion, which is also a criminal offence. Sex should be something both people agree to. It doesn't matter how nice your husband is at other times, or how helpful he is around the house, or good with the kids. He's still raping you and you need to take action.

Do you feel able to speak to him about it? Some men think that once they're married they own their wives and can have access to their bodies when they want. If you're determined to stay in this marriage then he needs it spelled out to him that none of this is acceptable and it's non-negotiable.

KitsyWitsy · 09/08/2025 06:54

This reply has been deleted

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Ansjovis · 09/08/2025 06:57

Two things: one - men who do this sort of thing do not have signs on them stating the fact. If they did they'd never get to the point of being in a relationship. So the fact that he is a "nice man" means nothing.

Secondly - I would encourage you to research the "fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop" response to trauma. If you look at it through the lens of just fight or flight then it becomes easier to say to yourself that it's okay because you didn't fight him and didn't try to run away but when we take a more rounded look at trauma responses we begin to understand that it's not actually that simple.

You didn't want this. Your husband either knew or should have known that you didn't want it due to being asleep. Please don't blame yourself just because you had a response outside of the basic fight or flight model.