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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex in marriage and consent...

139 replies

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 06:07

I guess I need a sense check. I'm mid forties, been married 20 years to my childhood sweetheart. Sex is... fine sometimes quite enjoyable, other times I get it done if you know what I mean. But sometimes I don't want to have sex or I'm asleep. Last week I woke up and he had both fingers inside me (one in each place sorry to be graphic). I led completely still and then he had sex with me. I was totally silent and not moving the entire time. He finished and without saying anything got up and went away. It happened again a few days later exactly the same except I put a pillow over my head to sort of get away? I don't expect rose petals and soft music (literally never happened!) But I had hoped for more than this in my marriage.
I would like to know whether others "get it
done"? that's normal right... sometimes it's a bit of a chore but you know it'll be OK and he'll feel better and I might even enjoy it. Also I want to tell him to stop doing stuff when I'm asleep, it feels... weird.
He's otherwise a very nice man, great with he kids, does loads of housework, sorts all the money out etc. Just a bit hard work when it comes to sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 06:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It isn't. That's actually really upsetting to hear. As I said he's my childhood sweetheart. I thought it was fairly normal albeit perhaps a bit distasteful. I'm happy for Mumsnet to do whatever background checks they do to prove I've been a normal poster over the 20 years I've been here. But thanks for making me feel even more like shit than I now do.

OP posts:
SquishedMallow · 09/08/2025 06:59

I believe a good portion of women "get it done" in a longer marriage/relationship- so yes, that's normal.

Be careful what you read on here. Lots of people will jump to say you were raped and to contact rape charities and domestic abuse charities and leave him, get police involved.

You need first a very clear conversation with him: that you don't like being intimately touched when asleep and that is not ok with you. Full stop. How he reacts and proceeds going forward after being told explicitly that you do not give your consent to such acts will tell you everything you need to know.

KitsyWitsy · 09/08/2025 07:01

This reply has been deleted

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FriendIsAngry · 09/08/2025 07:03

Why can’t you just say to him. “Don’t put your fingers or cock inside me when you think I’m asleep”

TwistedWonder · 09/08/2025 09:27

Regardless of you not thinking it’s wrong or not feeling traumatised, your husband has raped you several times and will do it again.

Its up to you how you chose to move forward but don’t downplay it, justify it as normal or make excuses for a rapist.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 09/08/2025 09:31

My first marriage included nightly rapes..
My second marriage he did it once and I took my rings off and made plans to leave. Took 2 years but I did it.
The disgusting thing is it wasn't even illegal back then.
Thankfully it is now.
Tell him you prefer to be a willing participant or you are to assume he's a rapist. Tell him straight to his face.
He isn't a nice guy but a wolf in sheep's clothing.

jackdunnock · 09/08/2025 09:31

An acquaintance of mine has recently been jailed for 12 years for similar behaviour. Hope that puts it in perspective for you.

TheresGoingToBeAMoidur · 09/08/2025 09:38

SquishedMallow · 09/08/2025 06:59

I believe a good portion of women "get it done" in a longer marriage/relationship- so yes, that's normal.

Be careful what you read on here. Lots of people will jump to say you were raped and to contact rape charities and domestic abuse charities and leave him, get police involved.

You need first a very clear conversation with him: that you don't like being intimately touched when asleep and that is not ok with you. Full stop. How he reacts and proceeds going forward after being told explicitly that you do not give your consent to such acts will tell you everything you need to know.

Be careful of what, exactly? The Sexual Offences Act 2003 (England and Wales) section 75 literally states that a person can't consent when asleep.

Doyouknowdanieltiger · 09/08/2025 09:41

Op I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but hes not a very nice man.

He's a rapist.

Blueuggboots · 09/08/2025 09:48

Freezing is a normal response when being sexually assaulted.

Blueuggboots · 09/08/2025 09:51

Please don’t feel shit. I think a lot of women are brought up to shut up and put up because that’s what we do, don’t we?

I agree with a PP - you need to have a VERY serious conversation with your “D”P and tell him very clearly that having sex with a person who is sleeping and consent hasn’t be gained IS rape.

StasisMom · 09/08/2025 10:07

So disappointing to see the victim blaming on this thread. This happened to me when I was first sexually active in the 90s and I definitely didn’t consider it rape or SA then. Times truly have changed and yes OP, it technically is now - not not consenting isn’t giving consent, if that makes sense... If you were to report to the police, they would arrest him and hold him for up to 24 hours and then most likely bail him. They may inform his work etc, depending upon his job as in if he works with anyone vulnerable. I am not saying don’t do this, I’m just telling you what would happen. You could have a conversation with him where you express this is not ok and then see how you feel. It is entirely up to you and what you are comfortable with.

LucyMonth · 09/08/2025 10:08

No OP…most women are not putting a pillow over their face during sex with their husbands to “get away from it”. If I did that my husband would be saying “what the hell are you doing?” Most men like their partner to engage during sex. It sounds like your husband’s preference is for you to be unconscious or to behave as if unconscious. Not normal.

The fact that you are here asking if this is normal and OK means there is something in you screaming at you that this isn’t right and it has to stop. Listen.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/08/2025 10:09

Non-consensual groping/sex is assault or rape, end of. I would seriously be considering my future.

RH1234 · 09/08/2025 10:15

Gosh, sounds awful. I’d expect my wife to report me to the police.

Don’t justify the behaviour, you only know because you woke up, if he didn’t stop it probably wasn’t the first time.

JollyLilacBee · 09/08/2025 10:16

If I woke up with fingers inside me he’d be getting a swift kick to the balls and I wouldn’t be going to sleep next to him again. Ever. It’s different if it’s been mutually agreed that it’s ok to do this in advance, but to just do it, no way.

I have occasionally gone ahead with sex when I wasn’t fully in the mood, thinking I might enjoy it, but my ex usually recognised this and stopped part way. He’d always say he didn’t want to do it if I wasn’t into it

Pinkelephantridesagain · 09/08/2025 10:20

No ,my husband has never raped me

Roseblooms7 · 09/08/2025 10:21

I thought it was fairly normal albeit perhaps a bit distasteful.

It is NOT normal nor is it a 'bit' distasteful, it is rape and I am staggered that you cannot see this and are still saying he is 'very nice'. Very nice men don't rape women. I suggest you get some serious counselling once you've chucked this rapist out because your boundaries are so far out it is shocking.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/08/2025 10:22

Of course it’s not normal, FFS! Women have not been chattels without autonomy for a very long time. It’s rape.

MJ1980 · 09/08/2025 10:23

Im sorry op, hes raping you. That is not consensual sex during the night which you describe. He may well be the perfect husband very nice and polite plus great with the kids. What hes doing though is rape. Rape doesnt have to be some angry, aggressive violent act. Please get some professional advice for their take on this x

Missedthis · 09/08/2025 10:27

Hi OP. I’m wondering if you posted to try and work through some of your feelings?

Try this: imagine waking up to a stranger doing what your husband is doing to you? Would this be clearly sexual assault to you?

How is it different because it is your husband? What “rights” do you think he has because he’s married to you?

It’s worth noting that marital rape only became illegal in the UK in 1991 - so the confusion you are feeling is not unusual, and until then, the legal system would have broadly agreed that it was fine, because he’s your husband.

I’m sorry that you’re in this situation - and you can work this through at your own pace.

Original poster
RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 10:32

Thanks for the helpful posts. I dont think I can reply any more. I'm shattered and haven't really got much to add. Maybe this thread will be useful for someone else. I hope that others can understand that things aren't always clear cut and using the boiling frog analogy someone pointed out actually makes things hard to understand sometimes. I don't think I'll return to this board, the troll hunting and enabling of that by Mumsnet was incredibly upsetting at a time when I just needed a sense check and a bit of support.
Again, thank you to those who have taken the time and effort to support.

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/08/2025 10:35

SquishedMallow · 09/08/2025 06:59

I believe a good portion of women "get it done" in a longer marriage/relationship- so yes, that's normal.

Be careful what you read on here. Lots of people will jump to say you were raped and to contact rape charities and domestic abuse charities and leave him, get police involved.

You need first a very clear conversation with him: that you don't like being intimately touched when asleep and that is not ok with you. Full stop. How he reacts and proceeds going forward after being told explicitly that you do not give your consent to such acts will tell you everything you need to know.

The OP has been raped, please don't confuse her further by suggesting she hasn't.

OP by law you need to be able to consent at every stage of sexual activity. Non consensual sex is rape and Rape Crisis or another organisation can talk this through with you and help you decide what to do.

You say you're not traumatised, it sounds to me as though you're in shock and denial. That's a perfectly natural reaction as is freezing during the act. It's your body's way of protecting you.

I can assure you that this is not normal in a healthy relationship.

BrunetteBarbie94 · 09/08/2025 10:39

I'm sorry OP, I didn't think you were a troll. Just try to take it as people genuinely being shocked at your story and being incredulous at your reaction to that. Just remember you aren't to blame. You haven't done anything wrong. This seems really abnormal to me I'm sorry. I don't understand why your husband would want to have sex with you with your pillow over your face, that is seriously disturbing. Please just have a serious think about what people have said here and the almost unanimous reactions to what your husband has been doing. Take care x

StasisMom · 09/08/2025 11:06

Take care OP Flowers