Sex in marriage and consent...

[RenaultClio]

I guess I need a sense check. I'm mid forties, been married 20 years to my childhood sweetheart. Sex is... fine sometimes quite enjoyable, other times I get it done if you know what I mean. But sometimes I don't want to have sex or I'm asleep. Last week I woke up and he had both fingers inside me (one in each place sorry to be graphic). I led completely still and then he had sex with me. I was totally silent and not moving the entire time. He finished and without saying anything got up and went away. It happened again a few days later exactly the same except I put a pillow over my head to sort of get away? I don't expect rose petals and soft music (literally never happened!) But I had hoped for more than this in my marriage.
I would like to know whether others "get it
done"? that's normal right... sometimes it's a bit of a chore but you know it'll be OK and he'll feel better and I might even enjoy it. Also I want to tell him to stop doing stuff when I'm asleep, it feels... weird.
He's otherwise a very nice man, great with he kids, does loads of housework, sorts all the money out etc. Just a bit hard work when it comes to sex.

This reply has made me feel physically sick. He isnt nice, he's a rapist. There a massive difference between 'getting the job done' and going through the motions, consiously, as a couple, and a man inserting his penis into you while he thinks youre unconscious.

My ex husband used to do this. It’s rape. You have not given consent.

Nutjob replies? He’s raping her. For fucks sake!

I get that you don’t like what people have written, but what you have described is not normal.

So it’s up to a woman to explain to a grown arse man why sexually assaulting and raping her isn’t acceptable?

And anyone who isn’t a rape apologist is a ‘nut job’?

Think you ate either on a wind up of your moral code is absolutely fucked

This is so wrong ! He knows exactly what he’s doing and because u accepted it the first time he has done it again !
Next time wake up and say no and get him off you !! Then report him ! He is a rapist !

Wow i literally have no words 😶

Hi OP this is not normal and it’s rape your husbands committed a crime. If this was a friend, sister or your daughter who came to you and told you this how would you react? He has sexually assaulted you whilst he thought you were asleep. You need leave and to report this to the police. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

Ugh.. hate the lie back and think of england line. Putting a pillow on your face to escape it? What kind of man carries on when you do that?

Yikes. Yes, I think you might be the only one who thinks of England. It's not 1950 and you don't have to have sex at any time - I'll never understand women who think they need to fulfil a service to their husband. It's so archaic! Noone is owed sex, and what sort of grown adult man thinks he is entitled to it.

Also, I've never ever heard of a married man doing something like you've described. It is sexual assault. However, unless you are afraid of him (in which case seek domestic abuse support) tell him loudly to get the f@ck off you the next time he tries to touch you without consent. How awful that he sees you as an object. I'm really sorry for your situation. Please don't stand for it.

He is a rapist?
He knows you're asleep and therefore not aware of it and has sex with you anyway.

Sex without consent is rape.

Just because you're married doesn't mean he has a right to sex.
Nobody has a right to sex.

He presumably knows enough not to do this to any other women asleep nearby so he knows it's wrong? Does he boast to his mates about "stealth sex"? I'm guessing not, because again, he knows what he is doing is wrong.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Plenty of "nice men" commit sexual offences unfortunately

That’s rape. Get out now.

This is the problem. Lots of people (both men and women) think that rapists wear balaclavas and hoodies and leap out of the shadows with a knife. Well some do. But others are the nice smiley man who takes you on a date, buys you dinner and then expects 'payback'. Or the lovely husband who is just a little horny at night and feels entitled to roll over on top of you.

If you accuse him of rape, he'll be horrified. 'No, not me, I'm your husband; I hung the washing out this afternoon. I was just feeling frisky. Everyone does that'

Well, no they don't. He needs to stop and you need to do your part in stopping him. Because if you bury your head under the pillow, you enable him. He probably tells himself that you do that because you're so turned on by his great love-making skills.

Tell him to stop. You have that right. You don't have to put up with this shit. And you may not want to blow up your marriage, I get that, but if he has the slightest decency in him he will stop if you tell him to. And have a proper conversation about consent and sex and what you like and when

Your response, trying to block it out, shows that you feel this is wrong. This is your gut reaction- trying to pretend something awful.isnt really happening, waiting for it to stop. That's how I've heard many women describe their reaction while being raped.

You must ask him to stop this and he must stop.

It's just that I don't think it feels like rape? My husband isn't a rapist. He's very nice!

yes it is. yes he is. no he isn't.

If he tries it again say No. In his mind you are accepting it because you haven't said otherwise. This is awful.

You don’t know anything about sexual assault or rape (and you haven’t read the OP properly) - I’m reporting your post for being damaging, victim blaming bullshit.

Same here.

My marriage would be over if he did what yours has done. I am not some piece of meat to be used when he feels like it.

So there is a rare condition where people sleep sex. Have a talk with your husband about whether he remembers doing these things. If he honestly doesn't, it's time for one of you to sleep in a locked room so he is able to wake up before he causes you more pain.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_sex

The OP was raped and the vultures are the rapists and rape apologists who keep popping up on this thread.

FFS.

You should sit him down and tell him that you do not have sex or perform sexual acts on someone who is asleep because they are not able to give consent.Ask him if he thinks this is normal in real life.He may be watching alot of porn where this occurs and he thinks it is ok , it really isn't .
Why can't he initiate sex when you are awake ? Please ask him this .

I am so sorry that this has happened to you , he is sexually assaulting you and raping you .
Please ask him what enjoyment are you getting from this if he turns round and says to you that he is being spontaneous, as that is what he will say.
Please be strong enough to have this conversation with him and put a stop to it.

I had ‘duty sex’ for over a year and just buried my feelings, like you’re doing now, OP. I also thought I ‘wasn’t traumatised’ so it was okay. It all came to a head on a solo trip where I had the distance and headspace to reflect on the relationship. I completely broke down at the realisation of what I was doing to myself - which was essentially raping myself with his d*ck. Delayed trauma. It was awful.

Do not buy the idea that duty sex is either healthy or normal, because it isn’t.

Forget the nut job replies on here that could put him in prison if you follow their advice

And why would he land in prison? Oh yeah, because he's been raping her!