I'm at my wits end and I don't know anyone else in my situation.
I have been with my partner for 11 years, we have 2 beautiful children, he has a good job and I have stressful but incredibly rewarding job in the NHS. We have just bought our first home together and renovating it. However, my partner is a functioning alcoholic, he has been since we first met. Naively, I just always thought he would eventually stop, things would get better and he wouldn't rely on alcohol. Wrong. He has an issue falling asleep, and absolutely nothing helps. He's tried every sleeping medication, therapy, hypnotherapy, AA, 100s of GP appointments. taking time off work to focus on getting a healthy sleep pattern. Nothing helped. So i turner a blind eye as i really felt sorry for him not sleeping. When we had our first child he stopped for a few weeks then started again. This put a huge strain on our relationship as I really felt like me and his child were not as important as alcohol, he drinks till he's stumbling around and falls asleep. So I had absolutely no help with our first born, no help in the night or early mornings. I could never switch off and have a lie in (in fact in the 8 years we've had children he has never woken up before me and let me sleep in and take care of the kids to let me rest). It was similar with our second child, but he was furloughed so he was more hands on. He's a loving dad and partner, he's kind, sweet and really tries to make a nice home for us, which is why i love him. But he drinks 2 bottles of wine a night sometimes more, from about 10pm onwards he's utterly useless, he can't speak properly, he makes a mess, he goes through the fridge and cupboards and DEVOURS all the food, which makes an awful mess, costs a fortune in food, he leaves food that needs to be in the fridge out over night so it goes off (he had absolutely so memory of doing this)in the morning I wake up to prepare the kids for school and make my lunch, do a coffee for work etc and every morning the mess that he leaves in the kitchen, sometimes I'm in tears. Sometimes all the food i bought for the kids has been eaten or left out over night so it's gone off. I have tried cellotaping the cupboards and hiding food in boxes i can lock, but this tedious and time consuming. I have to get up extra early to clean up his mess. He leaves the patio doors wide open as he forgets to lock up before bed(we live in an area that has a lot of break ins and car break ins) he's to hungover to help get the kids ready so I'm rushing to get myself ready, rushing to get the kids ready. Due to the excess drinking he's gained over 20kgs and is incredibly puffy and it worries me so much, he has awful IBS which dominates his life and we are late for everything because he's always using the toilet and taking ages. He forgets dates and important things even if I tell him a million times and write it down. I booked for the children to attend a club in the school holidays and paid for it, I told him a million times and he still forgot to take them. But he'll always remember to buy alcohol and spends hundreds on it a month whilst I pick up overtime and save to cover the children's activities. He works really hard, has a good job and is held in high regard with the company and has lots of friends. He was incredibly athletic when he was younger and excelled at so many sports (he was an alcoholic even then. Despite the alcohol he was a successful athlete) he now doesn't do anything and has reoccurring gout leaving him bed ridden. I've started taking pictures of the mess he leaves and the state of the house in the morning, that I spent ages cleaning before I go to bed, to wake up to it looking like a bomb has hit it. He flat out denies doing it and saying he has no memory of it (which i believe him when he says he can't remember because he's so blackout drunk) I just can't take it anymore, I love him and I don't want to break up but I'm depressed because of him - which he won't have is his doing. I keep saying to him you're going to die young and leave me and the kids, he says he can't help it as he has to drink to sleep and he needs sleep to work. It always hurts that he knows I'm exhausted from work and the kids, and it really upsets me when he leaves the door wide open, leaves a mess, late for everything, let's me organize and do everything for the kids, doesn't let me have a lie in, if the kids wake in the night hes too drunk to know. I told him if we didn't have children i would have left him, this upset him but not enough to stop. I know I'm ranting and I probably should have left ages ago, but I love him and kept hoping it would get better. I don't know anyone similar to me, I'm tired of putting on a brave face and pretending I'm happy, I'm exhausted, burnt out, I'm struggling at work with the stress. Any advice, please. I'm desperate.