Help - living with a functioning alcoholic

[AliciaS93]

I'm at my wits end and I don't know anyone else in my situation.

I have been with my partner for 11 years, we have 2 beautiful children, he has a good job and I have stressful but incredibly rewarding job in the NHS. We have just bought our first home together and renovating it. However, my partner is a functioning alcoholic, he has been since we first met. Naively, I just always thought he would eventually stop, things would get better and he wouldn't rely on alcohol. Wrong. He has an issue falling asleep, and absolutely nothing helps. He's tried every sleeping medication, therapy, hypnotherapy, AA, 100s of GP appointments. taking time off work to focus on getting a healthy sleep pattern. Nothing helped. So i turner a blind eye as i really felt sorry for him not sleeping. When we had our first child he stopped for a few weeks then started again. This put a huge strain on our relationship as I really felt like me and his child were not as important as alcohol, he drinks till he's stumbling around and falls asleep. So I had absolutely no help with our first born, no help in the night or early mornings. I could never switch off and have a lie in (in fact in the 8 years we've had children he has never woken up before me and let me sleep in and take care of the kids to let me rest). It was similar with our second child, but he was furloughed so he was more hands on. He's a loving dad and partner, he's kind, sweet and really tries to make a nice home for us, which is why i love him. But he drinks 2 bottles of wine a night sometimes more, from about 10pm onwards he's utterly useless, he can't speak properly, he makes a mess, he goes through the fridge and cupboards and DEVOURS all the food, which makes an awful mess, costs a fortune in food, he leaves food that needs to be in the fridge out over night so it goes off (he had absolutely so memory of doing this)in the morning I wake up to prepare the kids for school and make my lunch, do a coffee for work etc and every morning the mess that he leaves in the kitchen, sometimes I'm in tears. Sometimes all the food i bought for the kids has been eaten or left out over night so it's gone off. I have tried cellotaping the cupboards and hiding food in boxes i can lock, but this tedious and time consuming. I have to get up extra early to clean up his mess. He leaves the patio doors wide open as he forgets to lock up before bed(we live in an area that has a lot of break ins and car break ins) he's to hungover to help get the kids ready so I'm rushing to get myself ready, rushing to get the kids ready. Due to the excess drinking he's gained over 20kgs and is incredibly puffy and it worries me so much, he has awful IBS which dominates his life and we are late for everything because he's always using the toilet and taking ages. He forgets dates and important things even if I tell him a million times and write it down. I booked for the children to attend a club in the school holidays and paid for it, I told him a million times and he still forgot to take them. But he'll always remember to buy alcohol and spends hundreds on it a month whilst I pick up overtime and save to cover the children's activities. He works really hard, has a good job and is held in high regard with the company and has lots of friends. He was incredibly athletic when he was younger and excelled at so many sports (he was an alcoholic even then. Despite the alcohol he was a successful athlete) he now doesn't do anything and has reoccurring gout leaving him bed ridden. I've started taking pictures of the mess he leaves and the state of the house in the morning, that I spent ages cleaning before I go to bed, to wake up to it looking like a bomb has hit it. He flat out denies doing it and saying he has no memory of it (which i believe him when he says he can't remember because he's so blackout drunk) I just can't take it anymore, I love him and I don't want to break up but I'm depressed because of him - which he won't have is his doing. I keep saying to him you're going to die young and leave me and the kids, he says he can't help it as he has to drink to sleep and he needs sleep to work. It always hurts that he knows I'm exhausted from work and the kids, and it really upsets me when he leaves the door wide open, leaves a mess, late for everything, let's me organize and do everything for the kids, doesn't let me have a lie in, if the kids wake in the night hes too drunk to know. I told him if we didn't have children i would have left him, this upset him but not enough to stop. I know I'm ranting and I probably should have left ages ago, but I love him and kept hoping it would get better. I don't know anyone similar to me, I'm tired of putting on a brave face and pretending I'm happy, I'm exhausted, burnt out, I'm struggling at work with the stress. Any advice, please. I'm desperate.

I am an alcoholic, 9 years sober in AA. I would also say leave him. It could be the boot up the arse to make him admit he is an alcoholic. I used to do that eating thing and it made me so ashamed. Also put on loads of weight. I think if you left him it could give him the gift of desperation to actually do something about it. If you carry on as you are it will only get worse and he is teaching your kids what a dad looks like. When he cries and pleads with you tell him to go to aa and take it seriously. I’ve never seen anyone go to aa and do all the stuff (go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the 12 step program and help others) and not get sober. And given the amount of time he writes off with his current lifestyle I am sure you’d be supportive to for example him going to a meeting every evening at the beginning. There are loads of meetings and plenty online, best to try a few and see what works for him. The ones in aa who don’t get sober are the ones who don’t try and think they know everything, like contempt prior to investigation and closed off mind. At the very least and if you aren’t ready to leave him/kick him out I’d suggest you go to al anon. Although not sure how you’d find the time as you seem to be the only adult in your house but you could do zoom meetings. It is codependency (the coda steps are similar to the Alanon ones I think). One of my aa friends who is now a long time sober started going to aa quite quickly after his wife went to alanon and he’s been sober a long time. I really hope you get some change and wish you well. It’s an awful situation to be in.

OP- read what @pikkumyy77 has said about her friend’s H. And all the others who have posted here about their husbands/exes/fathers.

If you continue as you are, that’s your choice but you will end up being his carer. Most of us when we get married promise ‘in sickness and in health’ and of course most of us would willingly and lovingly support our partners through illnesses or disability.

But I would personally be too angry to provide nursing care for a man who had got into that situation entirely though his own excessive consumption of alcohol.

You should leave.
Allow him to hit that rock bottom and protect your DC
Win, win.

I don't like being this blunt but really think you need to realise the seriousness of those situation for your children's sake.

Right now, they have a father as an alcoholic.

They have an exhausted, depressed mother who is run ragged drying to keep everything together.

His drinking isn't going to stop, unless he really wants it to or it kills him.

If you don't leave, you're mental health will only deteriorate and your children will then have two parents to worry about.

If you don't believe me, at least go to Al-Alon and get support.

Well done @jimbort on becoming sober

I get its hard

so few seem to mange to do it so be proud

You are caring for your children, you are caring for patients and you are caring for an alcoholic. Who cares about you? You need to leave before his choices and behaviour impacts on your children, your work and you.

Please please leave. My ex DP was an alcoholic... it is progressive and this will get worse. Alcoholism killed my ex, and I am only grateful I got myself and my son out. He was also a high functioning alcoholic until he wasn't. The relapse rates for alcoholism are very very high ... only about 1/3 of alcoholics manage to stop, and most will choose alcohol over their families. Unbelievsble but yrue. Please don't do this to yourself or your children. It will drag you down too and your children desperately need you. Life is much better without this craziness in your life. It isn't your fault and it isn't your responsibility to heal him. Your responsibility is to you and your children.

All of this is from my own experience. And Al Anon are an amazing support... they got me through this. Please google their phone number ... they have a helpline staffed by volunteers that is available out of hours too.

Your poor kids. You need to end this marriage for their sake. I see the impact in adults of growing up with one alcoholic parent and the other parent enabling it, and it's really damaging. Your kids are learning that the they are not worth dad giving up drinking and they are not worth mum protecting them by getting them out of that environment. Because they are kids they will believe they're not good enough for either parent to put them first.

Sorry to be blunt, OP, but you are deluding yourself if you think this will change. You chose to have a second child with an alcoholic despite seeing how bad a father/partner he wad when you had your first. You have an addiction to the fantasy of him changing, as he has an addiction to alcohol. You need support.

A "loving dad and father" does not do the things you've described.

Somewhere along the way you've got a very distorted view of what love looks like. It doesn't look or feel like this, I promise.

He’s not functioning! My husband is an alcoholic luckily in recovery but I put up with his drinking until I had major surgery and he took a week off to look after me. He was okish in the morning but rubbish after that . He would drink at lunch time then sleep it off then drink again in the evening. Because I was at home I noticed it more . It came to a head and I said he needed to stop or leave. He went to AA saying his wife had a desire for him to stop drinking. He was advised at AA to listen to the similarities. Not all alcoholics drink in the morning or sleep on a park bench, although they may end up like that. Gradually it seemed to seep in. He attended for 2 weeks whilst still drinking and then picked a day and stopped. He went to 90 meetings in 90 days. He has been in recovery now for 15 years. But had he continued to drink I would absolutely have divorced him.

He's not functioning.

If he wants to quit look up The Sinclair Method.

My father is an alcoholic and it marred my whole childhood.

Needing alcohol to sleep is an excuse. He doesn’t want to quit.

Alcohol is more important to him that you and the kids.

Please leave him. Alcoholism isn’t a static illness- it will get worse. It already is.

Google adult children of alcoholics to understand what will happen to them if you stay. My mum is still with my dad now. I don’t have a relationship with either of them to be honest. I resent my mother for staying. It’s affected me and my siblings hugely - she would argue that she shielded us from it.

please leave him.

Info about the impact on children of having a parent with drink problem

https://nacoa.org.uk/research-resources/research/

My earliest memories all surround my father’s alcoholism. if your first is old enough for you to have had a second child, those memories are being formed now.

my father was a functional alcoholic too. He held a job and presented a picture to the world of us being a perfect middle class family.

"He's a loving dad and partner, he's kind, sweet and really tries to make a nice home for us, which is why i love him.
But he drinks 2 bottles of wine a night sometimes more, from about 10pm onwards he's utterly useless, he can't speak properly"

These things can't both be true.

I didn’t have a single sleepless night.

6 years sober and sleep is still one of my favourite things about sobriety. I’d been getting unconscious for so many years I think I had no idea what sleep was like. Proper sleep.

So it’s a really bad excuse for drinking.

"Needing" alcohol to sleep is a very very common excuse alcoholics use. If he has been drinking as you describe while going through interventions for insomnia you mentioned, than he has not really tried them. Nothing will work while he is drinking like this.

As @jimbort said in their excellent post, you need to give him the gift of despair. Giving him an ultimatum and putting him out of the house may be enough for the wake up call he needs. Hopefully that will be his rock bottom. It may not be, which is really difficult and is where support like Al Anon would be helpful for you. But carrying on as you are will only hurt you and your children.

Thank you again for all the responses. For a long time I thought I was just feeling sorry for myself and things weren't really that bad, so it's good to feel validated and I've not really spoken about this with many people. I see now I've been indoctrinated, and I'm beginning to see clearly. My partner normalized it so much and then I've ended up doing that as well. DC are asleep before he starts drinking, so they've never seen him drunk but the awful groggy mornings and the empty wine bottles disgust me and I have told him this a million times. There's an Al anon group near me, which is think will be really good for me. I need to be around people who know what I'm going through. It's all just very raw, and I'm so hurt he's watched me cry so many times, watched me struggle and not changed. I know everyone is different and he has a lot of trauma from his childhood (therapy did help with this) but I'd never treat someone i love like this.

Just to say, you are being naive if you think your kids don't know what's going on. They may not be able to explain it in the words that adults use, but kids are very perceptive. This will be actively messing them up - it is an ACE regardless of their age. I am saying this as it sounds like you need something to push you into action to take steps to tell your partner to leave (which is normal - not a criticism). Good luck.

Also the comments about ADHD have been interesting, he often says his mind gets very busy at night and he feels anxious (he was taking anti depressants for anxiety) but I wonder if he does have undiagnosed ADHD and if medication would help this. As much as I'm angry at him, I would like him to get better so he can actually have a relationship with them kids even when we separate.

That’s not up to you though. Currently you’re propping him up and or otherwise enabling him. Only he can decide if he wants to get better and you have no say in that.

Hes likely been self medicating depression for some time through the use of alcohol which is also a depressant. Anti ds and alcohol are also a volatile mix.

Small wonder his mind races and it’s also nothing whatsoever to do with ADHD, it’s far more likely to be his alcoholism at play.

What about you though op?. Like so many posts of this type it’s mainly about the alcoholic. What happened to you to get here?

@Ahwig lovely to hear another success story

90/90 seems to help many and my view is if you can’t give 60/90m once a day to conquer an addiction /habit then they don’t want to give up drinking

you can give an ultimatum but you need to stick to it. I took dh back a few years ago after another blip as seemed to be doing the steps and not drinking
till found all the bottles and bank statements

I get it’s hard. To leave dh. To break up a family. To get a divorce. Etc

No one actually told me to leave dh. Just gave me support / when I cried
I wish in hindsight some friends told me to leave him

but in the end only you can make that decision to leave when have had enough

just like only he can make the decision stop drinking and say no more and stop

It’s not gambling and it’s not hidden, he was like that from the start.

children wake up in the night and hear things. They notice that dad is groggy in the morning. They notice the mess. They notice the tension. Parents who say they keep it hidden are lying to themselves. It is never hidden. The children always know. They may not be able to explain the problem, but they feel the problem, they hear it, and they see it.

Oops replied to wrong person