Help - living with a functioning alcoholic

[AliciaS93]

I'm at my wits end and I don't know anyone else in my situation.

I have been with my partner for 11 years, we have 2 beautiful children, he has a good job and I have stressful but incredibly rewarding job in the NHS. We have just bought our first home together and renovating it. However, my partner is a functioning alcoholic, he has been since we first met. Naively, I just always thought he would eventually stop, things would get better and he wouldn't rely on alcohol. Wrong. He has an issue falling asleep, and absolutely nothing helps. He's tried every sleeping medication, therapy, hypnotherapy, AA, 100s of GP appointments. taking time off work to focus on getting a healthy sleep pattern. Nothing helped. So i turner a blind eye as i really felt sorry for him not sleeping. When we had our first child he stopped for a few weeks then started again. This put a huge strain on our relationship as I really felt like me and his child were not as important as alcohol, he drinks till he's stumbling around and falls asleep. So I had absolutely no help with our first born, no help in the night or early mornings. I could never switch off and have a lie in (in fact in the 8 years we've had children he has never woken up before me and let me sleep in and take care of the kids to let me rest). It was similar with our second child, but he was furloughed so he was more hands on. He's a loving dad and partner, he's kind, sweet and really tries to make a nice home for us, which is why i love him. But he drinks 2 bottles of wine a night sometimes more, from about 10pm onwards he's utterly useless, he can't speak properly, he makes a mess, he goes through the fridge and cupboards and DEVOURS all the food, which makes an awful mess, costs a fortune in food, he leaves food that needs to be in the fridge out over night so it goes off (he had absolutely so memory of doing this)in the morning I wake up to prepare the kids for school and make my lunch, do a coffee for work etc and every morning the mess that he leaves in the kitchen, sometimes I'm in tears. Sometimes all the food i bought for the kids has been eaten or left out over night so it's gone off. I have tried cellotaping the cupboards and hiding food in boxes i can lock, but this tedious and time consuming. I have to get up extra early to clean up his mess. He leaves the patio doors wide open as he forgets to lock up before bed(we live in an area that has a lot of break ins and car break ins) he's to hungover to help get the kids ready so I'm rushing to get myself ready, rushing to get the kids ready. Due to the excess drinking he's gained over 20kgs and is incredibly puffy and it worries me so much, he has awful IBS which dominates his life and we are late for everything because he's always using the toilet and taking ages. He forgets dates and important things even if I tell him a million times and write it down. I booked for the children to attend a club in the school holidays and paid for it, I told him a million times and he still forgot to take them. But he'll always remember to buy alcohol and spends hundreds on it a month whilst I pick up overtime and save to cover the children's activities. He works really hard, has a good job and is held in high regard with the company and has lots of friends. He was incredibly athletic when he was younger and excelled at so many sports (he was an alcoholic even then. Despite the alcohol he was a successful athlete) he now doesn't do anything and has reoccurring gout leaving him bed ridden. I've started taking pictures of the mess he leaves and the state of the house in the morning, that I spent ages cleaning before I go to bed, to wake up to it looking like a bomb has hit it. He flat out denies doing it and saying he has no memory of it (which i believe him when he says he can't remember because he's so blackout drunk) I just can't take it anymore, I love him and I don't want to break up but I'm depressed because of him - which he won't have is his doing. I keep saying to him you're going to die young and leave me and the kids, he says he can't help it as he has to drink to sleep and he needs sleep to work. It always hurts that he knows I'm exhausted from work and the kids, and it really upsets me when he leaves the door wide open, leaves a mess, late for everything, let's me organize and do everything for the kids, doesn't let me have a lie in, if the kids wake in the night hes too drunk to know. I told him if we didn't have children i would have left him, this upset him but not enough to stop. I know I'm ranting and I probably should have left ages ago, but I love him and kept hoping it would get better. I don't know anyone similar to me, I'm tired of putting on a brave face and pretending I'm happy, I'm exhausted, burnt out, I'm struggling at work with the stress. Any advice, please. I'm desperate.

Op, gently and with respect as I can feel your pain here, you knew he was an alcoholic, you brought two children into this, and currently you are still subjecting them to this. You are basically enabling him - why would he change? You need to leave op. Please do it, and please do it soon - your kids are being affected by this.

Her apparent love for him is destroying her partner, her kids and her own self. Love is not enough and if she did truly love him she would leave him and no longer enable or otherwise prop him up. There are also children involved here and arguably their welfare is of more importance too.

For the sake of your children, leave.

If you don’t they will turn into damaged adults who will tell you that they wish you’d left years ago.

Sorry I will read all when I come back home but re sleep- has he tried mag magnesium glycinate? Has me off to sleep like a baby

Being cruel to be kind here op by splitting up because of his decisions might make him sit up and consider his actions. Your children come first. If social services find out and you have been seen to do nothing about living in this situation, your children may be removed from you.

does he drive? Drive the children? That needs to stop as he will be constantly over the limit. His body does not have time to process the alcohol before he tops up again

also, buying 14+ bottles of wine a week is not cheap / 62+ bottles a month on average 😱

He is on a comedown from alcohol so is unlikely to be ever fully sober.

Leave before your kids notice. My grandad was an alcoholic and it was very harmful to my mum and her siblings . Long term mental health problems. And a huge resentment towards him and my grandmother for not leaving him.
He died young. He also worked but didnt help or take part in any family life. And caused them to be in debt .
He cant sleep because he has been dependent on alcohol to long. They go hand in hand and is a poor excuse to continue to drink.

Please leave before it gets worse. My husband was like this. I tried everything help him but the constant selfishness and endless self pity wears you down like nothing else. Now I'm married in name only. I don't think he has many years left.

Oh my love, you know this isn’t going to get any better and it’s actually normalising heave drinking for your DC.
Get out now before it breaks you

I feel partly qualified to answer this OP. My husband was an alcoholic. For many years he was "functioning" just like yours. He held down a job and was OK during the daytime. But after around 15 years of marriage he started drinking in the morning, usually a bottle of wine around 7am and then topping up throughout the day, until he was really unable to do anything except sit on the sofa, dribble and talk nonesense. Please believe me that all the photos of his behaviour, all the tears, all the arguments, all the pleading and all the drama in the world will not change your DH. Nothing, absolutely nothing will. The only thing that will change is you. You will slowly lose your mind, your dignity and possibly your home. If there was a house fire or a medical emergency, his first thought would be to save the booze. Alcohol is their first and only love. When the chips are down, you will realise this. The only chance of recovery must come entirely from him. He must decide to change but that only usually happens when they hit rock bottom and even then full recovery is very rare. I suggest you re-evaluate your life completely. Just to add that after 26 years of marriage my husband died due to his drinking.

Would he see his GP? Or self-refer to addiction services as you can in some areas?

With the amount he’s drinking it may well not be safe for him to just stop cold turkey. This can lead to seizures or even death. He needs a managed treatment programme, but he will only be successful if he’s willing to put in the work.

Al-Anon provide a space for loved ones of problem drinkers. They have online meetings I think if you can’t get to one in person. There is also a thread for people affected by someone else’s drinking on the Alcohol Support board on here. They can offer good, experienced advice.

If he doesn’t want to stop (and he has to want it, you can’t want it for him) you may have no option but to leave. I’m sorry.

Thank you so much for the responses! Whenever I have spoken to other women with alcoholic partners, they've been violent, abusive, cheating, can't hold down a job etc so I end up feeling like I'm being over dramatic. But I've spoken to a few dads and they were horrified at what i told them. They said their Mrs would go absolutely berserk and they'd be out. I met him when I was 21, and if I'm totally honest I don't think I fully understood what I was getting myself into. He presented very well and masked very well, I was also away a lot with work in the first 2 years of our relationship. 11 years later, if I met a man like this now I would not have a relationship with them. I also assumed he would change when we had children, he definitely worked harder. Started at the bpttom of a company and worked his way and is now considered a bit of golden boy within the company and I am incredibly proud of him fot this, but bittersweet with how horrendous the addiction is. He has begged for help from counselors and begged for a chemical detox but has been told he isn't severe enough as he can pay a mortgage and hold a job down. My mum loves him like a son, but even she has said this can't go on. When he's sober and present he's brilliant to be around and the kids really love him. But they're too young to understand what's going on but I'm aware they will be aware one day, and I have said to him repeatedly they will know one day if you don't sort it out.

The co dependency is interesting, I've never thought of that. I mean I depend on him for help with the school run and child care, financially I do also depend on him. We've worked so hard and saved to finally buy a home (again i thought he'd sort himself) I do love him and want the best for him but I'm drowning now. I think i was just hoping and hoping that things would get better and he'd quit drinking as you do hear of people going t total and getting better.

He needs to leave - get him out of your family home before he completely destroys your life and your children's. He can seek treatment for his alcoholism on his own - you are not his saviour. Please don't imagine for a minute that he can just get better, he's an addict and you and the children are way down his list of priorities. I'm sorry, but it's true. I think you might find Al-Anon helpful and give you insights into both his behaviour and your own.

My best friend (now 57) grew up with alcoholic parents and is now an alcoholic herself. I’m convinced it’s related. She now has barely any friends because of her drunken behaviour.
Do your children a favour and leave him.

Bottom line is he doesn't want to stop or he would.

He doesn't need to beg for a chemical detox, he needs to get himself to a 12 step programme before it's too late.

My dad is an alkie, and a very close family member is too, don't put the kids through it. AA or out would be my stance here.

I hope you find a solution that works for you.

He's tried and tried with the GP, they've all been pretty unhelpful. He's tried different doctors surgerys, hes gone so many different groups and meetings, paid thousands for therapy. He has tried from what I can see and I've been there with him when he's been begging for help from a counselor and they've just offered him another group where you just talk but it hasn't help. He says he doesn't even like alcohol, he doesn't enjoy the drinking but it's the only thing that makes him sleep. But as I've written, it causes so many issues and is making everyone's life hell . We've considered a private rehab but they're so expensive, so that isn't an option.

My ex self medicated undiagnosed adhd with alcohol. Not quite to this extent but not far off it. Once he was diagnosed and properly medicated he stopped drinking so excessively, was sleeping much better but in the end he’d done the damage and we split up. OP sometimes loving someone isn’t enough. you need to do what’s best for you and your kids and as they grow up that won’t be seeing dad off his tits every night. If he refuses to seek help for his addiction walk away. His priority isn’t and never will be his family as long as he’s actively addicted.

Thank you. I needed to hear things like this, as much as I'm heartbroken hearing that it most likely isn't going to get better and I need to go confirms my feelings are right.

Do you think he is using cannabis too? I just ask because of the hunger. Either way, he is not a "functioning" alcoholic, and this is not a home suitable for children to be raised in. I am really sorry you are in this situation, but you really need to get out and get your children out - document/photograph everything, because he clearly cant be allowed to share custody

Alcoholics will find any reason to drink .
he is saying sleep is his reason .
it doesn’t matter what the the reason he chooses is , he is not functioning and this will escalate . He will put the children in danger / mess up at work / drink drive / create financial hardship / drive you to the ground.
Trust me , I’ve been there .
of course , you don’t want this to be reality. You would much rather have your husband .
That is not the reality , you are enabling him by defending him . You are putting your children at risk.
I empathise with you and I would wish this on no-one . However , you must ask yourself why you would risk the children’s wellbeing to someone can continue to drink .

I’m afraid the needing alcohol to sleep is an excuse. Alcohol messes up your natural sleep patterns so that when you stop, you do have issues sleeping - several nights of zero sleep - that’s expected.

i agree with AA (or similar) or you separate. I’ve been in AA for many years and at my worst, I drank double what your husband is drinking now. It’s a progressive “illness” (I still don’t like describing it like that). It will only get worse. People at his level can’t just stop and I’m afraid that you are enabling his drinking.

I would describe him as an alcoholic-he is not functioning at all.

You must protect your kids and leave him.

Sorry, been where you are and it's terrifying but does get better I promise.

@ginasevern my story is very very like yours. I'm a widow too.

He's only functioning because you are there keeping the household going OP.
2 options:
1-stay and let him destroy you all
2-leave him to his fate
Both options involve him destroying himself with alcohol, he's probably too far gone to be saved, but there is still a chance for you and the children to survive.

This is not functioning and the further he falls, the further he will drag you down with him and he will fall further, no doubt about that, unless he stops drinking completely. Good luck x