Help - living with a functioning alcoholic

[AliciaS93]

I'm at my wits end and I don't know anyone else in my situation.

I have been with my partner for 11 years, we have 2 beautiful children, he has a good job and I have stressful but incredibly rewarding job in the NHS. We have just bought our first home together and renovating it. However, my partner is a functioning alcoholic, he has been since we first met. Naively, I just always thought he would eventually stop, things would get better and he wouldn't rely on alcohol. Wrong. He has an issue falling asleep, and absolutely nothing helps. He's tried every sleeping medication, therapy, hypnotherapy, AA, 100s of GP appointments. taking time off work to focus on getting a healthy sleep pattern. Nothing helped. So i turner a blind eye as i really felt sorry for him not sleeping. When we had our first child he stopped for a few weeks then started again. This put a huge strain on our relationship as I really felt like me and his child were not as important as alcohol, he drinks till he's stumbling around and falls asleep. So I had absolutely no help with our first born, no help in the night or early mornings. I could never switch off and have a lie in (in fact in the 8 years we've had children he has never woken up before me and let me sleep in and take care of the kids to let me rest). It was similar with our second child, but he was furloughed so he was more hands on. He's a loving dad and partner, he's kind, sweet and really tries to make a nice home for us, which is why i love him. But he drinks 2 bottles of wine a night sometimes more, from about 10pm onwards he's utterly useless, he can't speak properly, he makes a mess, he goes through the fridge and cupboards and DEVOURS all the food, which makes an awful mess, costs a fortune in food, he leaves food that needs to be in the fridge out over night so it goes off (he had absolutely so memory of doing this)in the morning I wake up to prepare the kids for school and make my lunch, do a coffee for work etc and every morning the mess that he leaves in the kitchen, sometimes I'm in tears. Sometimes all the food i bought for the kids has been eaten or left out over night so it's gone off. I have tried cellotaping the cupboards and hiding food in boxes i can lock, but this tedious and time consuming. I have to get up extra early to clean up his mess. He leaves the patio doors wide open as he forgets to lock up before bed(we live in an area that has a lot of break ins and car break ins) he's to hungover to help get the kids ready so I'm rushing to get myself ready, rushing to get the kids ready. Due to the excess drinking he's gained over 20kgs and is incredibly puffy and it worries me so much, he has awful IBS which dominates his life and we are late for everything because he's always using the toilet and taking ages. He forgets dates and important things even if I tell him a million times and write it down. I booked for the children to attend a club in the school holidays and paid for it, I told him a million times and he still forgot to take them. But he'll always remember to buy alcohol and spends hundreds on it a month whilst I pick up overtime and save to cover the children's activities. He works really hard, has a good job and is held in high regard with the company and has lots of friends. He was incredibly athletic when he was younger and excelled at so many sports (he was an alcoholic even then. Despite the alcohol he was a successful athlete) he now doesn't do anything and has reoccurring gout leaving him bed ridden. I've started taking pictures of the mess he leaves and the state of the house in the morning, that I spent ages cleaning before I go to bed, to wake up to it looking like a bomb has hit it. He flat out denies doing it and saying he has no memory of it (which i believe him when he says he can't remember because he's so blackout drunk) I just can't take it anymore, I love him and I don't want to break up but I'm depressed because of him - which he won't have is his doing. I keep saying to him you're going to die young and leave me and the kids, he says he can't help it as he has to drink to sleep and he needs sleep to work. It always hurts that he knows I'm exhausted from work and the kids, and it really upsets me when he leaves the door wide open, leaves a mess, late for everything, let's me organize and do everything for the kids, doesn't let me have a lie in, if the kids wake in the night hes too drunk to know. I told him if we didn't have children i would have left him, this upset him but not enough to stop. I know I'm ranting and I probably should have left ages ago, but I love him and kept hoping it would get better. I don't know anyone similar to me, I'm tired of putting on a brave face and pretending I'm happy, I'm exhausted, burnt out, I'm struggling at work with the stress. Any advice, please. I'm desperate.

You didn't cause it, you cant control it, you can't cure it

He needs to be left

I’m sorry to hear he hasn’t been offered help that works for him. Has he given AA a really good go? 90 meetings in 90 days? That’s what most rehabs will suggest after you get out (and as you say private rehab is astronomical).

If he would even go to 30 meetings in 30 days it would show willing. You don’t have to already be sober to go to AA, you have to have a desire to stop drinking. People go from all walks of life and at all stages of their journey.

Do consider Al-Anon for yourself.

Hi OP, my uncle was a ‘functioning alcoholic’ until suddenly one day he wasn’t. One morning he was too hungover to get out of bed and that led to day drinking and over time that led to him losing his job. He died about 5 years after that. His sons were going down a similiar path but they able to get help and both turned their lives around but I think it was the shock/crisis of seeing their father’s horrible death.

That’s not said to scare you but to show alcoholics can change but they have to first step out of denial (‘it’s so I can sleep’) and be willing to admit they’re powerless in the grip of this thing and they need help. Has he tried a 12 step programme? He might be surprised at what it’s like. A good friend of mine tried one and it’s not only saved her life but she’s met some brilliant people who have become great friends.

He’s got to want to do it though and for as long as there’s no ‘crisis’ in his life (partner, home, job all intact), he probably won’t need/want to.

You need to leave him - things will just deteriorate. My father was a functioning alcoholic, great dad until the time came for him to drink each day and then everyone could have been dying and he wouldn’t have noticed. The only way things will get better is if he decides to get help, you can’t do it for him and he may never do it. My father never did; he needed a heart and lung transplant and had a massive heart attack and died outside the pub he went to every day as he wouldn’t stay at home. Some people can’t be helped but you need to focus on your children. We should have had a comfortable life but my mum was always trying to make ends meet as all his money went on alcohol. Protect yourself and your children and leave him.

This sounds like a miserable existence for you and your children. Your kids will certainly notice soon (if they haven’t already) that their favourite snacks have been demolished by their Dad, despite the fact that Mum put sellotape on the cupboards. They’ll notice Mum being cross or anxious in the mornings about the patio doors being open. They’ll notice the mess and the food being left out to spoil.

You say you rely on him for the school run- I do hope that journey isn’t by car?

He isn’t going to change OP. He has been like this the whole time. I’m sorry to be blunt, but it’s baffling that you chose to have two children with this man. Whatever you do or don’t do, there will be psychological impacts for your children, without a doubt.

It’s very obvious that you should immediately leave him to get on with it. I’m not sure you will though. I’d be astonished if he doesn’t die from this, and possibly sooner than you expect. That will traumatise your children too.

I’m sorry for being harsh but I really feel for your children. I’m sure you’re a lovely person and a good mum so please put the children and yourself first and make a separate life for yourselves. It isn’t your fault that he is who he is, and you can’t change him, but you CAN change how you respond. 💐

The thing is he won't sleep for a few weeks, he will be withdrawing. Although eventually he will sleep like a baby. But it will take some weeks. The problem is alcoholics use this as an excuse. Most alcohol dependant's who can withdraw and detox will eventually start getting proper restful sleep which is a world apart from the "sleep" he is getting now. It is just an excuse.

Op. As the child of a “functioning” alcoholic who ultimately died in the family home and I was the one, as a child, to find him dead - please leave and get your kids out of this.

I descended into my own problematic drinking as an adult as a result. The emotional turmoil during and since leaves permanent scars.

he won’t change for you or the kids, he has to do it for himself. And the whole time your kids are watching.

Dont think twice just go.

And as a PP said- this must be costing a fortune. I don’t drink wine but how much is it these days? £6-£7 for a cheap bottle? That’s easily £100 a week that he could put towards some really decent therapy. But it’s not your problem- leave him to it.

Hello, my parents were both acoholics. Mum wasn’t functional but dad was, until he wasn’t. I’m sorry to tell you you’ve been mired in it for so long that you don’t see anymore how dysfunctional it is. Indeed it is best to go now, as you know it has been years and he hasn’t changed (or at least not changed for the better).

It may not surprise you that having grown up surrounded by drink I ended up with an alcoholic partner in my 20s. He was functional (he was in graduate school doing a competitive masters when we met) until he wasn’t. An incredibly kind-hearted man, wouldn’t hurt a fly, but couldn’t put the bottle down to try to heal some childhood traumas.He got blazing drunk one night and rang me after being arrested for drink driving. It really startled me (it was only a matter of time, really) but still I stayed with him, and used much of my savings to support him financially. I regret that still.

It is hard to see the forests for the trees when you are so deep in someone else’s addiction, especially when you have DC. But it is important that you protect yourself and them from his illness.

I would suggest reading about codependency and Al-Anon, a support group for those close to alcoholics. If a meeting is too confrontational for you, there is much online. The commonality I found there—because you, like nearly everyone else in the alcoholic cycle—think you have extenuating circumstances but it’s really all so similar, unfortunately. It was quite shocking but also provided me with the courage and support to leave before I was dragged down further.

You are welcome to PM me if you like. There is loads of judgment in anonymous fora, people often think it’s easy to just pack up and go when it’s anything but. I wish you strength.

Unless he himself wants to properly address the root causes of his alcoholism there is nothing you can do to help him. A private rehab place will be a waste of money
unless he really does want help and is serious about accepting the need for help.You are yourself in no position to help him and he does not want your help or support.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism, he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

It’s not easy to leave but it can be argued it’s a lot harder to stay.

Was going to post very similar based on my experiences. @TouchOfSilverShampoo .

OP this is no way to live and your husband will only change (if ever) when he is ready to do so. Don't waste your time time and energy, or your children's emotional development on trying to stick up for him.

If he gets clean he will understand why you did it

Thank you, he hasn't done the 90 meetings o0 days. I will tell him that x

It's a chronic illness, OP. There's a slim chance that if you leave him he will recover. If you don't nothing will change and the outlook is very bleak. You are going to have to leave him for his sake but for your kids' first and foremost. If you stay you are enabling him and your children will witness the horror up close and they will blame you and it will be hard for them to forgive you. I've only read your first post - don't know if you said anything more about who knows what, but confess to to family and friends and get help from Al Anon. Put your own life jacket on. I say this from a place of experience - I had to leave my cocaine addicted husband. Hardest thing I ever did. DM me if you like. Good luck.

I was 7 when my father died at 42 due to alcohol. I don't have many memories of my childhood but I can remember the bottles of alcohol, the stumbling around, the shouting, the fights. My mom was an anxious mess, trying her best to hide it from me, but they see it. You cannot save him. Think of yourself and the kids please. I wish you all the best

I am bitterly sorry for what you’re going through, not to that extent, but I really empathise and have been through similar. No one can ever ‘help’ him, really, no gp, therapist, aa meetings… it has to come from him. But for me what worked was telling him to go, that was it. I think once he knew I was serious (I even wrote to his mum and sister to explain everything) he started to get it. Without that, I am confident he never would have. It was a horrendous few weeks and he despised me and made it known. But came though and hasn’t drunk since (2 years). He didn’t use it but have you heard of the 1 year no beer programme? I follow and see good things, particularly for men like your husband who outwardly are doing very well. And if he could get it together, well… imagine what he could do. Good luck!

That’s what worked for mine.
A meeting every day. Not drinking for those 90 days.
He will sleep in the end even without drink. It will be hard but it does work.
But they have to really want to. And they don’t want to until they hit rock bottom.
Leave the mess, let him see it and sort it out. Clearing up after him enables him to avoid the consequences of his actions.

op

Stop trying to help him. He does not want your help or support here.

What about your children in all this OP?. They’re very aware of what is happening around them. You have a choice re this man and they do not.

By staying you are enabling him. Leave for your childs sake. Would you want your child living with someone like that in future years? Think more of yourself x

Attila knows her stuff. This situation is going to only play out one way and the OP has to leave. OP is in a codependent fog. It's the harsh truth but the truth all the same.

Alcohol is his OW. He loves it more than he loves you (otherwise he would do something to stop the addiction).

My grandfather died aged 60 from his heavy drinking. As did my Uncle aged 47. The other uncle somehow survived a massive heart attack aged 45 and was "dried out" in a mental health facility but has had 20 years of ongoing health issues as a result and never leaves the house apart from hospital visits.

Ask any of my cousins and they'd tell you to get your kids away from him.

Sad to say and it took me years to do the same but you need to leave

he will not stop drinking and you are enabling him but clearing up the mess and working all hours and paying for it all (like me)

he doesn’t want to stop drinking or would /make more effort

I was in a Similar relationship tho the drinking /blackouts weren’t as bad as yours as didn’t make mess

his drinking wasn’t as much when we met or maybe he hid it more I don’t know

he relapsed so many times. Always sorry. Went to aa. Carrying on drinking which to me is pointless but as someone said up thread , you only need to the desire to stop drinking to attend aa

they can turn up wankedered but say they want to stop and they will be welcomed

I would prefer aa to say come back to next meeting when not drunk

I had enough 18mths ago. I did it mainly for dc as didn’t want any more arguments but it was the right thing for us both

your man @AliciaS93 isn’t functioning - he will drag you down and need to get out now while can

dh is still drinking. Says he isn’t. But smells of it or his behaviour

it’s sad as I did love him but his drinking has destroyed our family /marriage. And the love has gone

dc is happier now.

I feel better for not treading on eggshells but yes it’s hard and tiring being a single parent

he will not change @AliciaS93 and you have to think of you and kids

This os 100 percent the story of a friend of mine. Her husband drankTwo bottles a night. Every night! Charming, functional, life of the party. But he had a stroke, liver and heart issues, and ultimately brain rot from puckling himself. Now she can’t leave him because he is a melted pile of needy, weeping, drunk. The children were terribly damaged by this. She is utterly trapped. Its a progressive degeneration of the man and the marriage. It can’t be stopped.

@AliciaS93 - take this as constructive please. You don’t have to tell him about the 90 meetings in 90 days. What is interesting is that your posts are all about him. That’s whT is meant by co dependency. Why isn’t he finding out and working out that he needs to be sober. It’s not your job!! All you can do is say I am not willing for me and my
children to live like this. The rest is up to him. It sounds hard but it is honestly not possible for you to manage this situation. You have to hand the responsibility to him. That’s why support will help you. You have to be able to step
away a bit. Not tidy up after him etc. Obviously you can’t do that in a family home. So…. he has to go. You cannot
change this situation only he can You need to start thinking
about what’s best for the kids. Make your posts about those plans……