Help - living with a functioning alcoholic

[AliciaS93]

I'm at my wits end and I don't know anyone else in my situation.

I have been with my partner for 11 years, we have 2 beautiful children, he has a good job and I have stressful but incredibly rewarding job in the NHS. We have just bought our first home together and renovating it. However, my partner is a functioning alcoholic, he has been since we first met. Naively, I just always thought he would eventually stop, things would get better and he wouldn't rely on alcohol. Wrong. He has an issue falling asleep, and absolutely nothing helps. He's tried every sleeping medication, therapy, hypnotherapy, AA, 100s of GP appointments. taking time off work to focus on getting a healthy sleep pattern. Nothing helped. So i turner a blind eye as i really felt sorry for him not sleeping. When we had our first child he stopped for a few weeks then started again. This put a huge strain on our relationship as I really felt like me and his child were not as important as alcohol, he drinks till he's stumbling around and falls asleep. So I had absolutely no help with our first born, no help in the night or early mornings. I could never switch off and have a lie in (in fact in the 8 years we've had children he has never woken up before me and let me sleep in and take care of the kids to let me rest). It was similar with our second child, but he was furloughed so he was more hands on. He's a loving dad and partner, he's kind, sweet and really tries to make a nice home for us, which is why i love him. But he drinks 2 bottles of wine a night sometimes more, from about 10pm onwards he's utterly useless, he can't speak properly, he makes a mess, he goes through the fridge and cupboards and DEVOURS all the food, which makes an awful mess, costs a fortune in food, he leaves food that needs to be in the fridge out over night so it goes off (he had absolutely so memory of doing this)in the morning I wake up to prepare the kids for school and make my lunch, do a coffee for work etc and every morning the mess that he leaves in the kitchen, sometimes I'm in tears. Sometimes all the food i bought for the kids has been eaten or left out over night so it's gone off. I have tried cellotaping the cupboards and hiding food in boxes i can lock, but this tedious and time consuming. I have to get up extra early to clean up his mess. He leaves the patio doors wide open as he forgets to lock up before bed(we live in an area that has a lot of break ins and car break ins) he's to hungover to help get the kids ready so I'm rushing to get myself ready, rushing to get the kids ready. Due to the excess drinking he's gained over 20kgs and is incredibly puffy and it worries me so much, he has awful IBS which dominates his life and we are late for everything because he's always using the toilet and taking ages. He forgets dates and important things even if I tell him a million times and write it down. I booked for the children to attend a club in the school holidays and paid for it, I told him a million times and he still forgot to take them. But he'll always remember to buy alcohol and spends hundreds on it a month whilst I pick up overtime and save to cover the children's activities. He works really hard, has a good job and is held in high regard with the company and has lots of friends. He was incredibly athletic when he was younger and excelled at so many sports (he was an alcoholic even then. Despite the alcohol he was a successful athlete) he now doesn't do anything and has reoccurring gout leaving him bed ridden. I've started taking pictures of the mess he leaves and the state of the house in the morning, that I spent ages cleaning before I go to bed, to wake up to it looking like a bomb has hit it. He flat out denies doing it and saying he has no memory of it (which i believe him when he says he can't remember because he's so blackout drunk) I just can't take it anymore, I love him and I don't want to break up but I'm depressed because of him - which he won't have is his doing. I keep saying to him you're going to die young and leave me and the kids, he says he can't help it as he has to drink to sleep and he needs sleep to work. It always hurts that he knows I'm exhausted from work and the kids, and it really upsets me when he leaves the door wide open, leaves a mess, late for everything, let's me organize and do everything for the kids, doesn't let me have a lie in, if the kids wake in the night hes too drunk to know. I told him if we didn't have children i would have left him, this upset him but not enough to stop. I know I'm ranting and I probably should have left ages ago, but I love him and kept hoping it would get better. I don't know anyone similar to me, I'm tired of putting on a brave face and pretending I'm happy, I'm exhausted, burnt out, I'm struggling at work with the stress. Any advice, please. I'm desperate.

If I'm honest I don't know, I think I need to do some soul searching. For so long people have always said yeah but someone is always worse off than you, which hasn't helped the situation and kind of made me even more indoctrinated because I constantly played down the drinking thinking, well I know of women who have partners that hit them or control them etc I also don't know many people in genuinely happy relationships, they all have issues or cheated or they just live together for the kids sake. So in comparison I didn't think what I was going through was a big deal.

What people have said this?. Are you talking about those in your immediate family or wider social circle?. I guess you yourself do not know many people in happy relationships. You are not in one of those either.

Start your soul searching with a view to getting yourself and your kids away from your alcoholic. At the very least get real life support from al anon, read their literature and attend their meetings. Start thinking about what day to day life would be like for you all without him in it.

I am amazed no one would agree to him doing a detox. I'm a professional female, work full time etc. I was drinking 1.5 bottles of wine a night. My GP told me that I absolutely shouldn't go cold turkey because it was too dangerous.

I was referred to my local drug and alcohol service. After some time of seeing them I set a quit date and did a community detox where I collected daily doses of librium for 7 days to stop safely. Then went straight onto Naltrexone, which I'm still on now. Which interestingly has had the side effect of completely curing my IBS! And mine was horrendous, like your DH I was spending hours in the loo.

I also have ADHD and one of the reasons for my drinking was to quiet my brain and help me sleep. Now I go to bed later and sleep less. But the quality of my sleep is 100 times better. I go to a support group, which has been really helpful.

If you haven't already, look up your local drug and alcohol service and contact them. In theory they should all be working to the same guidelines. If he's willing to do a detox then it's worth a try. I know its harder to get residential rehab as its expensive but a community detox is much cheaper and they really shouldn't be saying no to him if he has the motivation.

Take your children and go

@AliciaS93the similarities between our stories are striking, in situation, dh personality and our thought processes. I’m divorced now and have never for one single minute regretted that decision. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat

@AliciaS93 my ex is an alcoholic, functioning till one day he just wasn't. I left when the children were babies, because although I never put myself first, i had to put them first.

He lost his next few jobs, family got fed up of him, next gfs got fed up, i couldnt risk him having the children either. Then he just hit rock bottom and got sober. I believe this was via the 12 step and also church. Hes so much better now and has remarried. But its important to know that he didnt stop for me, or her, or the kids. He stopped for himself. My point is you have to put your children first, then let him fix himself. The future may not involve him in all honesty but you need to get them out for their own sanity. I should say my kids have a relatively good relationship with their dad now. I hope it lasts.

op lots of strength to you, some questions to think about

have you heard the doctors say they can't help because he holds down a job etc or have you heard it only from him?

if he needs to be fully rested and have had good sleep for his job, wouldn't he also need to not be hungover? Tired substance free is better than tired but hungover or substance affected.

how have your actions reinforced his habit? Is he using the 'can't be that bad because my wife hasn't left me' I the same way he's saying 'can't be that bad cos I'm holding down a job'
you clean up his mess - 'can't be as bad as she's saying, I never see a mess'
you hide it from the kids -'can't be that bad or the kids would notice'
you pay for stuff - 'can't be that bad, we never miss a payment'
you remember and organise the kids - 'can't be that bad the kids aren't missing out on anything'

How are you op. Have you had time to consider a way forward?

So many posts say help yet you knew what it was like from the start and brought children into it 🤔

@RayqueenI see this argument all the time on here, you’re basically saying ‘your children shouldn’t exist’. I think it provides more of an insight into the type of person who would say such a thing. Particularly to someone who is clearly a loving mum and asking for advice - what do you want to achieve out of such a comment?

He isn’t a ‘functioning’ alcoholic. There’s no such thing anyway but a functioning in any way person doesn’t cause such issues for his kids and partner while he floats around with his head in the sand.

It is true that sometimes in MH services if you are still working it is seen as a sign of being able to function. So a barrier to treatment. But it is also true that most addiction services are very very flexible to getting people in to treatment. I wonder if he has taken something he has heard and either misunderstood it (by this point he has probably done some brain damage with his drinking which may also not help with this) or twisted it to say there is nothing that can be done. I once told someone in front of her family that I thought she was totally downplaying the impact of her drinking, that she was really in dangerous territory but she should not cut down on her drinking without oversight from medical professionals. Got her to repeat what she heard - she reported that I said she did not have to stop drinking and gave me a hug. Her poor family.

So, its been an emotional weekend. He's contacted AA and is going to start attend meetings. I won't go in to the details but I'm coming to terms with the fact this may be end if AA fails. He's going to contact GP again, the problem is because he can hold down a job, present well and doesn't day drink (he only gets the urge to drink from around 8pm) various GPs have said you're not severe enough. Ipersonally thought it was incredibly negligent to prescribe anti depressants to someone who is an alcoholic but that's what the GP recommended. I said even if he has to lie about day drinking to help, he needs to try anything. He has attendend various groups, where the person running it has basically said these meetings can't help you as the people attending are so seriously ill they make my partner look normal. People with severe ketamine addiction, people downing vodka at 8.30am after the school run etc I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but he has tried (not hard enough) and is quite often dismissed my health care professionals. Working for the NHS I do see this a lot, and often I'm on the receiving end of a patient or patients family who's been passed pillar to post, or given incorrect information or no information at all sometimes.
This will probably be my last post as I'm trying to navigate how I'll manage the school drop off/pick up if he moves out - this is the problem, I'll have to find a different job that accommodates school hours. I've tried the breakfast and after-school clubs and my kids absolutely despised them particularly my eldest. And also navigate separation, the kids genuinely love their dad so i do feel awful, but I know this can't go on.

All the best OP xx

I hope things go well OP. And remember there is no half way house to being alcohol dependent. He may well be "coping" (and his liver) to all outward appearances, but that can change in a heartbeat and no one can live on that knife edge indefinitely.

I hope he does get help.
But also how do you know these people in the meetings say they cant help him? Do you go with him or does he just tell you?

Time for you to contact Al anon and let him sort out his alcohol issue.

Who is saying they can’t help at meetings ? AA?

ex was on tablets 3 times a day to helps addition to drink

Acamprosate. From doctors

i think at the beginning it did help as I think and believe it was sober for a few months when starting aa

but they also have to want to stop and I believe even now he doesn’t want to stop drinking

You can usually self refer to addiction services locally. I would be very surprised if they didn’t think Antabuse was suitable for your dh. Where, vaguely, are you in the country (midlands, north east etc)?

I haven't read through the thread, but 16/17 years ago, I could have written your first post. In the nicest possible way, you're enabling him. He currently has zero responsibility, whilst you cook, clean, look after his children, do the school run, clean up after him, and keep a roof over his head. I did the same. Because I loved him. It wasn't until Social Services got involved that I realised it was either him or my children. Literally. He moved in with his parents but they took over from me as the enabler. Nothing worked until he was given temporary accommodation and had no choice but to look after himself and clean up etc, as nobody else was going to do it for him. You have to make a decision OP, before SS do it for you

What about the Sinclair method?

He's self referred about 3 times, he just gets directed to groups run by the NHS. Which were really unhelpful as his issues were so minor compared to the other people attending. We live in an area where there's a lot of drug/alcohol abuse so the services are rammed. Once counselors did say he should do a chemical detox which he was up.for, then another counselor told him he'd had to stay ina residential unit which they put him off 🤦‍♀️ he's never tried the AA hes only used NHS services. He desperately wants to stop but in the evening he gets so anxious at the thought of not sleeping, he went cold turkey in lock down and didn't drink for 3weeks lost s tone of weight but barely slept for 3 weeks so in the end he couldn't bare it and had a drink to sleep. I'm not making excuses, I am at my wits end but with his addiction it stems from not sleeping. He has contacted AA and was surprised how nice the guy sounded, he had this view it was very religious which put him off?

Edited to say were South West

It was the group meetings run by the NHS. The counselor couldn't really understand why he was there as he was "functioning" so well. And when he said he doesn't drink during the day only from 8pm onwards the counselor said he wasn't severe enough. There's A LOT of drug and alcohol abuse where we live, people openly taking drugs in the middle of the day. So the people in the groups were heroin addicts, people who waking up and drinking etc so he sort of got over looked. He needs to try harder, he has tried but not enough. And why the GPs haven't offered any medication apart from anti depressants is beyond me.

I havent but I will look in to it. Thank you x

This is it, I never realised I was enabling him. This has really helped me, i told him this and he hasn't left a another mess....at the moment. I have repeatedly told him if the kids weren't happy at school here and if it wasn't for my job, I'd have packed our bags ages ago and left. That did seem to hit home but I'm preparing myself for the worst that he doesn't get better and its time to end it.