Help - living with a functioning alcoholic

[AliciaS93]

I'm at my wits end and I don't know anyone else in my situation.

I have been with my partner for 11 years, we have 2 beautiful children, he has a good job and I have stressful but incredibly rewarding job in the NHS. We have just bought our first home together and renovating it. However, my partner is a functioning alcoholic, he has been since we first met. Naively, I just always thought he would eventually stop, things would get better and he wouldn't rely on alcohol. Wrong. He has an issue falling asleep, and absolutely nothing helps. He's tried every sleeping medication, therapy, hypnotherapy, AA, 100s of GP appointments. taking time off work to focus on getting a healthy sleep pattern. Nothing helped. So i turner a blind eye as i really felt sorry for him not sleeping. When we had our first child he stopped for a few weeks then started again. This put a huge strain on our relationship as I really felt like me and his child were not as important as alcohol, he drinks till he's stumbling around and falls asleep. So I had absolutely no help with our first born, no help in the night or early mornings. I could never switch off and have a lie in (in fact in the 8 years we've had children he has never woken up before me and let me sleep in and take care of the kids to let me rest). It was similar with our second child, but he was furloughed so he was more hands on. He's a loving dad and partner, he's kind, sweet and really tries to make a nice home for us, which is why i love him. But he drinks 2 bottles of wine a night sometimes more, from about 10pm onwards he's utterly useless, he can't speak properly, he makes a mess, he goes through the fridge and cupboards and DEVOURS all the food, which makes an awful mess, costs a fortune in food, he leaves food that needs to be in the fridge out over night so it goes off (he had absolutely so memory of doing this)in the morning I wake up to prepare the kids for school and make my lunch, do a coffee for work etc and every morning the mess that he leaves in the kitchen, sometimes I'm in tears. Sometimes all the food i bought for the kids has been eaten or left out over night so it's gone off. I have tried cellotaping the cupboards and hiding food in boxes i can lock, but this tedious and time consuming. I have to get up extra early to clean up his mess. He leaves the patio doors wide open as he forgets to lock up before bed(we live in an area that has a lot of break ins and car break ins) he's to hungover to help get the kids ready so I'm rushing to get myself ready, rushing to get the kids ready. Due to the excess drinking he's gained over 20kgs and is incredibly puffy and it worries me so much, he has awful IBS which dominates his life and we are late for everything because he's always using the toilet and taking ages. He forgets dates and important things even if I tell him a million times and write it down. I booked for the children to attend a club in the school holidays and paid for it, I told him a million times and he still forgot to take them. But he'll always remember to buy alcohol and spends hundreds on it a month whilst I pick up overtime and save to cover the children's activities. He works really hard, has a good job and is held in high regard with the company and has lots of friends. He was incredibly athletic when he was younger and excelled at so many sports (he was an alcoholic even then. Despite the alcohol he was a successful athlete) he now doesn't do anything and has reoccurring gout leaving him bed ridden. I've started taking pictures of the mess he leaves and the state of the house in the morning, that I spent ages cleaning before I go to bed, to wake up to it looking like a bomb has hit it. He flat out denies doing it and saying he has no memory of it (which i believe him when he says he can't remember because he's so blackout drunk) I just can't take it anymore, I love him and I don't want to break up but I'm depressed because of him - which he won't have is his doing. I keep saying to him you're going to die young and leave me and the kids, he says he can't help it as he has to drink to sleep and he needs sleep to work. It always hurts that he knows I'm exhausted from work and the kids, and it really upsets me when he leaves the door wide open, leaves a mess, late for everything, let's me organize and do everything for the kids, doesn't let me have a lie in, if the kids wake in the night hes too drunk to know. I told him if we didn't have children i would have left him, this upset him but not enough to stop. I know I'm ranting and I probably should have left ages ago, but I love him and kept hoping it would get better. I don't know anyone similar to me, I'm tired of putting on a brave face and pretending I'm happy, I'm exhausted, burnt out, I'm struggling at work with the stress. Any advice, please. I'm desperate.

You are functioning. He is alcohol dependent. Sober people have the best sleep. I know because im 2050 days. Give him unexpected joy of being sober by Catherine Gray and the 100 day Belle Robertson challenge. This is an elevator... going down...

I was married to an alcoholic. No kids, thankfully so it was a bit less complicated. But I spent YEARS thinking I could fix him, that I couldn't leave because then what would he do? Of course, he didn't need to do anything at all in our lives, he just needed to drink. So he did. Eventually I realised that I wasn't helping and while I was there he would change nothing. I was worn to a shadow. So I left. He did get better eventually but I don't think for a second it would have happened had I not left. So yes, sometimes you just really need to bite the bullet. He may get better, he may not. But you won't get a better life if you stay.

I’ve gone back and re-read your first message , I keep thinking about you .
my own experience is that I minimised , explained , excused , overlooked for years .
It is hard to face the reality .
If you took away the alcohol and told us your husband :
in 8 years has never got up with the children
Cant leave the house secure at night
Has unhealthy living habits that have left him with gout and IBS (as a result of them )
You have to sellotape the food shut
Tells you his need to sleep trumps any other household responsibility
Spends hundreds and hundreds of pounds in his ‘thing’ while you do overtime to make up the shortfall
lets you do all the worrying about the family
Makes the family late for everything
Can’t get his children to holiday clubs
forgets everything
Let’s you be upset and exhausted but still does nothing to help

we would still be telling you this is not a healthy relationship .
AA is a very long road .
Try to think about how you look after yourself and the children . That may not include him in your day to day life . Tell friends and family and professionals so you also get support .
relationships have ended for much less than you’re describing.

look after yourself and your children and all the best .

I would also show him this - https://oynb.com/ - it reframes the giving up of alcohol more as control, in a positive sense of what you can be/ achieve without it, and it’s particularly helpful for men and high achievers. A big online community too. Social media content and community can be invaluable to help with quitting.

Hey @AliciaS93 good to meet my past self and have an opportunity to go back and change it all. (I wish 🥲) .. but given that I can’t - I can at least give you the gift of foresight.
Mine was the life and soul of the party
Drinks wine x 3 bottles a day now
used to earn ££££££ v high functioning in Project Management
contracts got shorter
by mid 50s his kids had made the ultimatum and he chose booze over them.
we physically separated as mine needed a steady quiet environment to study (I stupidly thought this would shock him to change - it didn’t it just made drinking easier) . We remained married as naively I believed I could ‘love him sober’
His memory started to fail at 58
At 62 he was diagnosed with Alcoholic dementia and was told quite brutally by the neurologist that he had a choice. … if he were to stop drinking completely he would stop the brain changes in their tracks - and although his memory will never be what is was - he could easily live another 20* years.. however, if he didn’t stop drinking , he would be dead in 2-3 years from dementia.

He had a choice . 20 healthy years with his wife who he apparently loves. Or death . He chose the latter. That did it for me. 25 years I’ve tried everything. He was my all and everything.

I met someone else 3 months after he made that choice. I can’t believe how wonderful it is. We are intimate. A part of my life that I thought had closed forever as alcoholism affects sexual function.. I finally have someone who doesn’t put me second to a glass of wine..only we can’t be together as I would want because I’m my husband’s carer now. He has the frontal lobes of a 90 year old. Confused and befuddled but I cannot divorce him now. That would make me a monster. So once again my happiness is on hold while we wait for the consequences of alcoholism to play themselves out.

This is how it will play out. Unless HE wants to change it. Don’t be me . Don’t hang on. It will literally waste your life.

TBH he’s probably scared to give it up, alcohol has been his longest and deepest relationship and friend. He’s built a successful career and many friendships with it, being without that part of yourself is frightening. He probably doesn’t even know who he is without it.

My husband enabled my drinking until I just finally had enough, I didn’t want to die and I needed to be there for my DC. I was too ashamed to get any help except for Reframe. I had also been seeing a hypnotherapist for a number of years ticking off all my issues, I finally felt in a safe place to face up to my heavy drinking.

One thing I personally found helpful was the recent destigmatisation of alcohol abuse, I and many others aren’t comfortable with the word alcoholic and the permanence of aa. I chose not to drink because it brings me no benefit. I still cook with alcohol, so it’s in the house. If I’m feeling particularly emotionally vulnerable and I’m cooking bolognese for example, I’ll get my husband to add the wine while I go for a walk. Even though I haven’t drunk in four or five years, I only got rid of vast liquor cabinet contents last year because we were moving. But everyone is different.

Im glad my husband didn’t leave me, but it’s all up to the individual.

He's not going to get any better, alcoholics rarely do. Nothing you can do to change him, only he can do that for himself. After 11 years you should've realised that he's not going to get any better.

Reasonable chance that it's the alcohol that's causing his sleep issues. And if he's drinking that much there's a good chance that he's over the drink drive limit the next morning.

Ultimatum is your only option here. It won't work, and you'll end up leaving him anyway if you stick to it. But at least you'll have given him fair chance to sort himself out and it'll counter all the inevitable 'please give us another go, I'll promise to change' palaver down the road.

GPs in my experience do nothing for seasoned drinker; they tell you to do alcohol diaries, to cut down etc etc; they don’t help you unless you are about to kill yourself or someone else. He can’t shift the responsibility- it’s up to him to realise alcohol is destroying his life and it’s time for a change. And it’s up to you to take on responsibility for the lives of your children and yourself. No one will do this for you.

I grew up with an alcoholic mother. My father divorced her when I was 8 & my brother was 10. We didn’t see anything too bad, just her drinking a lot.

By 14/15 both my brother and I were drinking. I was always a binge drinker, and after years am now a non drinker. My brother on the other hand is a much bigger alcoholic than my mum was. He’s been homeless, although now has a little flat, but he drinks 2-3 bottles of wine every night, does keep a job down, but is a raging alcoholic.

Please don’t put your children through it. I’ve had to keep my own child away from my brother at times to protect him, let alone a parent. Children of alcoholics are far more likely to become alcoholics. How would you feel if your children turned out like your husband.

He needs help, but he needs to sort that out by himself. Your children need you to protect them from the life of having an alcoholic present, for their own future.

I wouldn’t wish having a alcoholic in your life on anyone, my heart breaks for you all.

@AliciaS93 I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. You seem to be waiting for him to somehow decide that he needs to stop, or for some external factor to bring him to his senses. The truth is he may never stop, and in the meantime all this has a terrible impact on you and your children. You can only control what you do. I think some counselling for yourself would be useful to work through what you are going to do. Unfortunately the most likely outcome is that he’ll keep drinking and you’ll have to leave eventually. You can decide to leave and protect yourself and your children, and you never know, this might shock him enough to force a change, or it may not. I say all this as someone who was once married to an alcoholic. I wish you all the best.