Therapy session 2 and feeling more insecure with fiance

[togo1004]

Finished session 2 with therapy. She addressed why my vision might become blurry when I’m stressed. She thinks that my brain doesn’t want me to see something and that stress is the trigger for it.

we dove deeper into my childhood trauma and talked more about myself. We have not reached diagnosis stage as we have a wide arrange of things to cover.

im currently traveling in China with my fiancé. We’ve already gotten into a few arguments but nothing major I see a big improvement already. I’d like your feedback on what the issue is, If it’s indeed my problem again and how I can address it better next time.

i know I don’t have the best diet. He’s been reminding me to drink water this entire time and I have a hard time drinking water if it’s not cold and when I’m full. We went out to get coffee and I suddenly got dizzy and passed out. I woke up a few seconds later and he shoved a bunch of candy in my mouth and forced me to eat it. I felt better in about 5 minutes and he carried me back to our hotel.

he looked so worried and he started telling me that he suspects I might be either diabetic and has hypoglycemia or have extremely low blood pressure. Either way it’s not good. Then he went on about how I really need to stop eating fried food and sugary things and focus on hydration and getting minerals in my body. I got so annoyed and got loud and said that I’ve been this way my whole life and it’s perfectly normal.

then he started listing things and saying things like “passing out in the middle of the street is normal?”
he went on about how I’m always tired, always have a headache, has mental disorders and thinks it’s largely contributed by my diet and life style. He went on about how he’s never seen me eat a salad or vegetables or fruit. He said “you can’t just live on pasta and fried food and soda”

He said that I’m likely malnutritioned and dehydrated for years and that unless I change it’s going to destroy my body. Ive felt so violated that I started crying. Now im just exhausted and want to go home.

i told him to stop commenting on how i eat because ill likely develop bulimia because of his comments. He literally told me that if I don’t change my life style he’s going to call off the marriage because he says “I will not marry someone who doesn’t prioritize health”. I told him that he cannot control me as it’s my body and it’s my choice on how I eat and live.

that evening I tried to make love to him and he turned me down saying that I’m not well and he thinks I might pass out during sex. I felt like he just didn’t want me at all..felt so rejected. He said that I’m still cold sweating looks pale and that I should really stop eating fried noodles and eat some salad and drink 2 liters of water today and do this everyday and he just went to sleep.

I know I’m not diabetic from tests a while
back but I did take blood pressure the next morning at a pharmacy near by and my bp came back hypotension.

we were ok that day went to pool but he won’t touch me the way he used to and I’m feeling insecure.

did i handle this ok? It didn’t escalate into a big fight but was thinking it’s my body my choice the right thing to say in this point? His point is that it’s selfish because he’s the one responsible for medical bills for us and that I should be taking care of my health for both of us as he does the same.

Point by point:

Your best friend - your parents gave her a home. Not you. She no doubt found you too needy and irrational.

Your ExH - you tried to make him into a different person. How would you like that?

Your recent fiancé - you expected him to pay off your debt? This is incredible. You expected him to cater to your every whim and never to have a different opinion to your own. You forbade him from having a social life.

You are the common denominator here. You are the one who needs to change. You haven’t had ‘bad luck’. You’re playing the victim and not taking responsibility for your own life.

Maybe you really can’t. All these anxieties and dizzy spells, eating and drinking issues, fatigue etc - seemingly rendering you helpless to do anything for yourself. I suspect they’re all linked to some underlying issue that, as several other posters have suggested, requires the professional help of a psychiatrist to resolve.
I really hope you get the help you need because if you don’t, you will continue to leave a trail of destroyed relationships behind you and will become increasingly isolated and lonely.

I have read your threads and I am completely drained & in disbelief of how self-centred you are!!!!!!!

Your username should be MeMeMeitsallaboutMe.

Nearly everyone who has responded & told you it is you, you disagree with. You have NO awareness or empathy for anyone but yourself.

I heard a saying once Emotional Vampire - someone who sucks the life out of everyone they meet. Sadly this is you. I really hope you can get the professional help that you need but no doubt all the professionals will be wrong because in your head its always someone else's fault & never yours!!!!!!!

I am so pleased to hear that your ex partner has come to his senses at last & he will be able to rebuild his life and friendships without you dragging him down.

Purely based on what you’ve said it seems likely that the reason you “never win” an argument is because you consistently appear to be in the wrong.

An example. You got angry at the airport because despite carrying lots already, you expected him as “the man” to carry even more. Yes your bag felt heavy but what about the fact he was already carrying too much? Despite being strong he isn’t a pack horse. Again, as with the SIM card example yesterday you seem to have blown up demanding more whilst ignoring the fact he was already helping you. Or your post today re company SIM cards, your scenario was just describing a conversation and is another example of you being unreasonable.

Also, “I took a job to pay off of my debt because he couldn’t pay for me.” You mean supporting yourself..? The horror 😱! Come on OP. If you’re not happy going back to live with your parents do what others do and find a new job once you get back home.

Op it’s good you’re going to take steps to get help. You come across as manipulative and simply wanting to use people for your own gain with no genuine concern for your victims feelings or desires.

He said he would help me if his business did more revenue and it didn’t. And he never found a solution to make sure money. So that’s on him. So I was forced to get a job when he knows I have severe panic attacks. I had to take multiple valiums just to have interview. When I confronted him his answer was “I never told you to take a loan, this is on you. I said I would help if my business did better but it didn’t, it’s actually done worse so I can’t help you. How I can help you is by givimg
yoj a place to stay and eat for free.” To his credit he financially supported me fully for a long time.

my best friend is selfish, she had no problems when I was paying for our Airbnb when we traveled, but when I asked her if she can ask her friend to help me get a SIM card she got annoyed and told me to never contact her again.

my ex husband, I do feel responsible because he was a nice man. But I had to be the leader in the relationship. I managed our banking, insurance and everything and it burned me out so badly also. I wanted him to make more and take lead.

my current fiancé was the total opposite. Very leader type of guy, and traditional. He was the type to open doors. Pull our chairs, take my coat off, and provide. But that came with extremely strong personality of “let me lead you follow” and made me feel small because he felt like he had the final say in every decision we had to make. We bumped heads so much because of this. And in the beginning he felt like I had to be in charge of taking care of the home, because I didn’t contribute financially. He manipulated me by saying things like “there’s 3 things that need to be done daily. Someone has to pay the bills for housing and food, food needs to be cooked, and place needs to be maintained. I will pay for our life, cook for myself a few times a day, and you will maintain the place and make dinner for us”. I felt soooo low like a maid. Eventually we got to an agreement that the person who’s not tired will just do the work because we are a team and we should support each other. And he grew bitter and bitter over time stopped hugging me touching me even telling me he loves me. On top of that he forced me to get a job because he failed to make more.

this is my life, just unfair all around.

It takes two to tango. One person cannot be wrong 100% of the time. My ex fiancé has never lost an argument with me ever. He doesn’t stop talking when we argue. He refuses to apologize, he will choose what’s right over peace. Sometimes you just apologize even if you’re right, I want this and need this, all women need this. But he doesn’t give a f about it. He always talking about facts and reality, about how delusional I am, calls me acting crazy, never once just make steps to me and hugs me and says sorry even if I’m wrong. I asked him why? He said he has a difficult time doing that because he wouldn’t want someone doing that for him. To his credit, when hes obviously the wrong one, he apolgizes very quickly and says “it’s my fault I’m sorry about this”

How many times did I apologize first even when he’s done wrong things. Many many times just to bring peace. He will rather die than apologize if he believes he’s done nothing wrong. im always the wrong one.

i understand im not perfect, but if i make a mistake of accusing him, he can be the better person with better self control then just come hug me and I’ll be fine. But instead he defends himself and gives me 10 reasons why hes done nothing wrong and how im wrong. His solution is “how about if i mess up I apologize and if you mess up, you apologize?”

Even one time way earlier when we just got together, i went through his telegram chats with his friends, i found out him comparing me to a recent girl he used to date before we met. He literally said “man i don’t know what to do, this one is a bit dramatic over small things and requires a lot of attention. My ex she doesn’t require me to see her daily, is much cheaper to date but she hates my dog, which girl would you choose?” This convo haunts me until this day the fact that he wasn’t sure about me. We got engaged eventually but he hasn’t set a wedding. He literally gave me an ultimatum saying that I’m not ready to be a wife, because I do t take care of my health, and finds mundane tasks too hard. Who the f is he talk to me this way? This is why I resent him so much. He is always talking badly about me to my face. It’s always “drink more water, stop eating butter rolls with cheese, go eat some rice veggies and protein”. It’s never “I love you, you’re doing so good, you’re amazing”.

Your diatribe in response to my post speaks volumes. You just keep repeating the same things.

As I said before the examples you have given re his unreasonable behaviour still paint YOU as the one in the wrong! I can't even be bothered to go through your reply point by point as (I) I'm not a parrot; and (ii) clearly it would be a waste of my time as you're either not interested, or simply incapable of basic reasoning.

The fact that you say ". It’s never “I love you, you’re doing so good, you’re amazing” is crazy. It's actually frightening that you actually think you deserve praise for your deranged and abusive behaviour.

you're in dire need of actual help, not just a therapist. I sincerely hope you get it before you screw anyone else up.

OP, tell us why you think it’s ok to read someone’s private messages on their phone?

He is right. You are delusional.

There are no secrets between lovers. I want transparency.

So, you showed him all the texts and messages in your phone? Recorded all your calls and conversations to share with him?

OP, I assume you’re home now. Put the phone down. Step away from the internet. Go to the doctors or wherever you start a mental heath referral in Russia.

Going over this will not help you. MN cannot help you. You need proper psychiatric support to re-set your behaviours and your view of relationships / life. And we all wish you the best with that.

Well, none of these peiole are your problem any more, because your behaviour has meant that they’ve ended all relationship with you. So focus on yourself, on improving your mental and physical health, and becoming self-supporting. Don’t even think about relationships. You’re not good at them.

She’ll tell you what she posted at the time - that HE suggested she record their arguments and play them to her therapist (so that they could see she was right, was her subtext).

Everyone is entitled to their privacy! I have really been trying to find something positive to say, as I feel you're taking a bit of a battering on here... but I give up!

What does that have to do with the current conversation which is about her reading her ex-fiancé's messages on his phone? And her saying that there should be transparency and no secrets. That's what I was asking about.

For free health care I have to wait 2 months to see someone. Which I have booked.

and In relationships yes I do believe in transparency. My ex fiancé has never looked into my phone and he says he doesn’t want to. He has 0 interest but I have interest.

i want him to talk about me to his friends and say something positive about me. This is very important to me.

he has rarely talked about me with his group of friends. And it makes me sad. I asked him why he says that it’s just not a topic we discuss, All of us keep it pretty private. But that just sound like an excuse because I want to know he brags about me and admires me

My ex fiancé has never lost an argument with me ever. He doesn’t stop talking when we argue. He refuses to apologize, he will choose what’s right over peace.

So you’re saying he refuses to apologise, but…

To his credit, when hes obviously the wrong one, he apolgizes very quickly and says “it’s my fault I’m sorry about this”

He apologises very quickly when he’s in the wrong?

He will rather die than apologize if he believes he’s done nothing wrong. im always the wrong one.

But he’s a terrible person because he won’t apologise…when he’s not in the wrong? And you’re “always the wrong one” even though he apologises when he’s in the wrong?

but if i make a mistake of accusing him, he can be the better person with better self control then just come hug me and I’ll be fine.

Do you think you don't ever need to apologise for being in the wrong? Instead, he has to comfort you when you’re in the wrong? And if he doesn’t comfort you when you’re in the wrong, it means he’s in the wrong!? This bizarre convoluted logic is making my head spin.

His solution is “how about if i mess up I apologize and if you mess up, you apologize?”

I’d love for you to explain what your problem is with this solution…

He is always talking badly about me to my face. It’s always “drink more water, stop eating butter rolls with cheese, go eat some rice veggies and protein”.
Hilarious. Nice work OP. 😂

But that just sound like an excuse because I want to know he brags about me and admires me

What is there to admire or brag about?

Right 😂

Well ops stunning personality, her kindness, acceptance of others. Her humility, her general all round Pollyanna-ism?.. Who wouldn't want to shout from the roof tips?
😆
In all honesty, if this is real I hope recent ex is far far away and safe!

I don’t know maybe that I’m smart? I did goto university at 16 so atleast I’m not stupid. That im cool girl who love anime and plays video games? I have good qualities too.

my ex fiancé was obsessed with home cooking. He LOVED to be served food he says that’s the biggest way someone can show him love and I felt like he was manipulating me to make him food all of the time.

I have to ask, what is your obsession with SIM cards?

And you read his messages in the hope he was waxing lyrical about how perfect you are?

I went to uni at 16 too, it's when school finished and was the next step in Ireland. It's probably more unusual now, but not so much when I was 16. Now kids start school later and do an extra year.
No one is saying you're stupid. But there's more to life than intellectual intelligence.
Your emotional intelligence seems quite low - think about that. If you're as smart as you say you are, you'll be able to reason on this.

It’s because I work remote so I travel quite often. I have really bad social anxiety so I always have to ask other people to do things for me if it involves going to the store, calling a company or whatever.

SIM cards give me ability to use data and make/receive calls which I couldn’t do unless I had WiFi.

I only looked because I saw messages pop up and I was curious. I know that I shouldn’t have looked but I don’t think it’s as bad as him doubting me and comparing me to another woman, which traumatized me severely

which traumatized me severely

No it didn't. It hurt your feelings. That's all. At most it touched a nerve because you know the things he was saying are true.