Therapy session 2 and feeling more insecure with fiance

[togo1004]

Finished session 2 with therapy. She addressed why my vision might become blurry when I’m stressed. She thinks that my brain doesn’t want me to see something and that stress is the trigger for it.

we dove deeper into my childhood trauma and talked more about myself. We have not reached diagnosis stage as we have a wide arrange of things to cover.

im currently traveling in China with my fiancé. We’ve already gotten into a few arguments but nothing major I see a big improvement already. I’d like your feedback on what the issue is, If it’s indeed my problem again and how I can address it better next time.

i know I don’t have the best diet. He’s been reminding me to drink water this entire time and I have a hard time drinking water if it’s not cold and when I’m full. We went out to get coffee and I suddenly got dizzy and passed out. I woke up a few seconds later and he shoved a bunch of candy in my mouth and forced me to eat it. I felt better in about 5 minutes and he carried me back to our hotel.

he looked so worried and he started telling me that he suspects I might be either diabetic and has hypoglycemia or have extremely low blood pressure. Either way it’s not good. Then he went on about how I really need to stop eating fried food and sugary things and focus on hydration and getting minerals in my body. I got so annoyed and got loud and said that I’ve been this way my whole life and it’s perfectly normal.

then he started listing things and saying things like “passing out in the middle of the street is normal?”
he went on about how I’m always tired, always have a headache, has mental disorders and thinks it’s largely contributed by my diet and life style. He went on about how he’s never seen me eat a salad or vegetables or fruit. He said “you can’t just live on pasta and fried food and soda”

He said that I’m likely malnutritioned and dehydrated for years and that unless I change it’s going to destroy my body. Ive felt so violated that I started crying. Now im just exhausted and want to go home.

i told him to stop commenting on how i eat because ill likely develop bulimia because of his comments. He literally told me that if I don’t change my life style he’s going to call off the marriage because he says “I will not marry someone who doesn’t prioritize health”. I told him that he cannot control me as it’s my body and it’s my choice on how I eat and live.

that evening I tried to make love to him and he turned me down saying that I’m not well and he thinks I might pass out during sex. I felt like he just didn’t want me at all..felt so rejected. He said that I’m still cold sweating looks pale and that I should really stop eating fried noodles and eat some salad and drink 2 liters of water today and do this everyday and he just went to sleep.

I know I’m not diabetic from tests a while
back but I did take blood pressure the next morning at a pharmacy near by and my bp came back hypotension.

we were ok that day went to pool but he won’t touch me the way he used to and I’m feeling insecure.

did i handle this ok? It didn’t escalate into a big fight but was thinking it’s my body my choice the right thing to say in this point? His point is that it’s selfish because he’s the one responsible for medical bills for us and that I should be taking care of my health for both of us as he does the same.

I am very happy for him.

If this is real. Your rules for how a relationship should be are stacked so the man becomes a servile puppet of your every wish. He has to mind read, he can't have opinions that disagree with yours, he can't have normal human flaws like forgetfulness, he can't have needs of his own like time with freinds. He can't get thirsty, or tired. And you talk openly about this, with no sense that other people would be appalled by it. It's explained to you and you don't see it.

So if its real, a counsellor isn't going to help except to refer you to a psychiatrist.

Quite why your father has to come all the way from Russia to take you back to Russia is beyond me

Theres no more drama, it’s over. He’s said unforgivable things to me and I’ve decided it’s time to leave.

Interesting change the narrative. He decided that you have to leave.

Exactly . I thought he gave you 2 hours to leave @togo1004?

So he's loaded down like a pack mule and you can't manage the equivalent of a bag of sugar. Literally the straw that broke the camel's back. Loving it! Very clever OP, seeing how many parables you can sneak into the narrative. Shall we try Bond films next - Live and let Die would be a great one, or Golddigger Goldfinger

So he told you to pack your stuff and leave within 2 hours or he'll call the police. But also, it was your decision to leave him (even though you said on another thread that you would literally die if you and he broke up). But also, as well as telling you to leave within 2 hours and threatening you with the police, he's accompanied you to the airport and carried some of your stuff. And now what, you're at the airport but you'll have to wait there for a few hours till your dad can arrive from Russia? Your narrative's falling apart a bit, isn't it, OP?

I packed what I could and left to Airbnb. He’ll have to ship over my other stuff back to Russia. I told him that I’ll pay for it.

it’s over my dads coming tomorrow to this country to pick me up at the airport so we can fly together. I have issues flying alone because I get panic attacks and my dad knows that, so he’s coming here to meet me to get me back safely.

Leave (me) and let (me) die
Mudraker
From Russia with loathe
The spy who dumped her
Quantum of selfish
No time to cry (in the shower without being recorded)
Licence to grill (or shrill/bill/ill-will)

Licence to chill as long as we exactly replicate what you did with your friends the day after

Work on your MH and stay single. For a long time.

OP your lies and fantasy lifestyle have just been outed by your own words. You actually said you were at the airport with him laden down by your bags. In the next post you’re at an Airbnb waiting for your dad to come back from Russia to escort you on a plane.

Gosh it must be so exhausting for you having to remember which lie you last told.

Until next time, maybe in two weeks when your dad is ‘abusing’ you and you start posting about that? I’ve no doubt you won’t seek a psychiatrist.

No i packed my stuff last night and went to an airbnb. I couldn’t bring everything because my entire life is here. My dad is meeting me tomorrow at the airport so we can fly together home.

i still can’t see how im so demanding.

1. I just asked him if i lash out or attack, just hug me and tell me everything will be ok
2. don’t cut me off when im talking even if the message seems ridiculous
3. remember what i told you and if you can’t write it down because I don’t want to remind you
4. care for me and be a man. Carry the heavy stuff, and don’t let me be in pain
5. care for my emotions. When they come I expect you to sit and listen
6. have me as your priority alwsys
7. stop arguing over everything. You don’t have to speak so much when im talking to you.

it requires 0 money and just slight effort

In defense of the OP (loathe as I am to do so), I assumed that the airport story was from a few days ago on their way back from vacation (i.e. after the "pen incident" flight). Especially since she refers to our bag and his bag (not just hers) and feelings that lingered. To be clear, I think that that story (told to show how awful he is) further shows her to be the abuser, but I don't think it is a contradiction.

8.Use spun gold to create a figurine of me every day at 3pm.

9.Never let my feet touch the floor by carrying me on your shoulders at all times.

10. Spoon 27 spoonfuls of sugar into my mouth every hour at twenty minutes past the hour.

Come on, OP, I'm sure you can make up some more stories before this reaches 1000 posts.

That's exactly how I took it.
I don't think op is tripping herself up, despite people trying to find holes.

I suspect our drama queen has anger management issues and flies off the handle every time anyone opens their mouth.

Ah well, Daddy will be there soon.

Totally agreed.

@togo1004 I actually understand that you’re hurting and confused but you need to learn from this. Even the story of the bags just sums up how you can not empathise at all with anyone else but expect everyone to empathise with you over ridiculous things. You can change and become healthier but you do need more than a therapist to untangle your issues. I’m glad you realise you need a psychiatrist. I’d be tempted to show them parts of your thread here. You can do and be better. But you need to accept you may be wrong about the way you see the world.

Thank you furry. I’m just broken and down. Feeling so tired and don’t even know why i even live.

im no use to anyone, everyone I get close to runs away from me, I have the worst luck ever and it’s so unfair.

thank you for listening to me

Gently, you don’t have the worst luck. You need to do some self-reflection - it is your actions that make people ‘run away’. Can you not see that?

things are probably pretty raw now but when you get settled back home, you need to do a lot of work on yourself to set yourself up for healthy relationships in the future

@togo1004 ‘ no use to anyone, everyone I get close to runs away from me, I have the worst luck ever and it’s so unfair.’

They don’t run away, you push them away. There’s a huge difference. What you need to figure out is how and why you push them away. That’ll be your key.

And this isn’t about luck; this is about some deep seated flaws in the way you view the world that you need to fix. You can do this!

I'm so confused @togo1004 are you on holiday in China just now?.
Who funded that?
Who's funding your current air b n b?
Your parents must be wealthy to afford 3 last minute on the day flights from Russia?
Oh what a tangled web you're in....

I’m trying but maybe I just can’t realize. Because my best friend I gave her a home, and also was there for her financially and emotionally.

but when I ask for some help she told me I’m too difficult to be around.

my ex husband I feel like I destroyed him. He was a content person with his small salary and I wanted a more successful man out of him and I pushed him and myself until he became depressed and nearly went crazy.

my current ex when I met him he was a charismatic fun outgoing person and in the end I saw a stonewalled cold person.

but I feel I sacrificed the most out of everyone. I lived in a country I didn’t want to live in just for him. I took a job to pay off of my debt because he couldn’t pay for me. It was really hard with my social anxiety. During my interview he had to hold my hand the entire time because I was cold sweating and nearly passing out trying to act normal.

atleast he still has a home he can goto, I have nothing, just gotta live with parents. I never felt safe with my fiancé because at any given moment he can kick me out and I’ll be homeless. Worst case for him he just resumes his life but me, I have nothing.

When you are feeling up to it, I would re-read your posts from the past month - I think you’ve posted 3 or 4 times about perceived slights from your most recent partner - and take in what people have said. I appreciate you have had some harsh responses, which won’t be easy to read at the moment, but there have been many, many people explaining to you why your way of thinking isn’t ‘normal’ (for want of a better word)

You need to accept that you cannot change people - pushing your ex husband to be something he didn’t want to be, for your own benefit, isn’t supportive. Stopping your ex-fiancé from seeing his friends and accessing his support network through his church, therefore causing him to lose the ‘charismatic, fun, outgoing’ aspects of his personality is, as others have pointed out, emotionally abusive. If a man was doing this to you, everyone would be encouraging you to leave the relationship quickly.

You have received a lot of advice on your posts, but you seem reluctant to take it. You need to be able to support yourself, not rely on someone else to financially support you or validate all of your feelings. Yes, a supportive partner should have your back but that doesn’t mean they have to pander to you and agree all the time.

Out of interest, why do you feel like your ex should have paid off your debt? Especially considering this was from before you were with him? By him covering all other expenses, he was doing more than enough. I don’t think there are many people out there who would do what he did.

You see it as your sacrifice that you had to get a job to pay off your own debts rather than someone else funding your entire life by working even more than they currently do? Incredible.

He lost his charismatic, fun personality because you cut off his social support system (friends, church, volunteering) so you were his only company and then abused him and berated him on a daily basis for perceived slights that didn’t actually involve him doing anything wrong.

Until you actually take on board criticism of your behaviour and learn from it you will never be happy.

I don’t like people armchair diagnosing but I think good professional would explore personality disorders including EUPD as it sounds like a good fit and would make Sense with your traumatic childhood.

Research indicates a significant correlation between experiences like emotional abuse and neglect in childhood and the development of EUPD traits and symptoms.

Symptoms include:

emotional instability – the psychological term for this is "affective dysregulation"

disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – "cognitive distortions" or "perceptual distortions"
impulsive behaviour

intense but unstable relationships with others

More detail:

Emotional instability

If you have EUPD, you may experience a range of often intense negative emotions, such as:

rage
sorrow
shame
panic
terror
long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness
You may have severe mood swings over a short space of time.

It's common for people with EUPD to feel suicidal with despair, and then feel reasonably positive a few hours later. Some people feel better in the morning and some in the evening. The pattern varies, but the key sign is that your moods swing in unpredictable ways.

Unstable relationshipsIf you have EUPD, you may feel that other people abandon you when you most need them, or that they get too close and smother you.

When people fear abandonment, it can lead to feelings of intense anxiety and anger. You may make frantic efforts to prevent being left alone, such as:

• constantly texting or phoning a person
• suddenly calling that person in the middle of the night
• physically clinging on to that person and refusing to let go
• making threats to harm or kill yourself if that person ever leaves you

Alternatively, you may feel others are smothering, controlling or crowding you, which also provokes intense fear and anger. You may then respond by acting in ways to make people go away, such as emotionally withdrawing, rejecting them or using verbal abuse.

These 2 patterns may result in an unstable "love-hate" relationship with certain people.

Many people with EUPD seem to be stuck with a very rigid "black-white" view of relationships. Either a relationship is perfect and that person is wonderful, or the relationship is doomed and that person is terrible. People with EUPD seem unable or unwilling to accept any sort of "grey area" in their personal life and relationships.

For many people with EUPD, emotional relationships (including relationships with professional carers) involve "go away/please don't go" states of mind, which is confusing for them and their partners. Sadly, this can often lead to break-ups.

Does that resonate and feel familiar OP?