DH insists on separate laundry. Is this normal?

[Broadcare]

Been married 4 years, together 7.

DH has always done his own laundry - which I thought was progressive and fine. He’s very particular about how he washes his clothes and I didn’t really question it.

But lately I’ve noticed he won’t put mine in with his even if there’s loads of room in the machine. Like if I leave a few things in the basket on laundry day, they’re still there afterwards. He’ll literally only do his and leave mine untouched. Once I even put a few of my socks in the drum before he started the wash and he took them out and left them on top of the machine.

I asked him about it and he just said “I prefer to do my own.” That’s it. No real explanation.

For context - I work full time, cook most nights, and do the bulk of the cleaning. He works too, but from home, and has a bit more flexibility in the day. So laundry isn’t a huge time issue, it’s just… the principle?

I’ve started wondering if it’s a control thing, or some weird boundary he’s drawing. I mentioned it to a friend and she laughed and said maybe he doesn’t want our underwear touching, which honestly made me feel even weirder about it.

I know it’s not a big deal compared to what some people are dealing with, but I’m starting to feel like it says something about how separate we are day-to-day. It’s not even like he’s fastidious - his socks still live on the floor half the time.

Is this a red flag? Anyone else’s partner like this or am I just being over-sensitive?

My partner does his own washing. I do not give a flying monkeys as I don't have to touch his dirty kecks or smelly socks. Win win. The people who are saying it is weird wish their partner's did their own washing 🤣

It sounds like you do way too much around the house. Get him to do more.
Btw your husband is STRAAAANGE!!

Sounds like a cheater he doesn’t want you to find something in his pockets. Very strange

🤣

Is he not able to wash his own clothes if he insists on them being washed separately?

Exactly this. Selfish as fuck.

What happens if kids are thrown in the mix?

Are you serious? I'm hoping you're being ironic 😄

That’s weird. Unless he has specialty items like merino wool and he knows exactly how it needs to be washed, but there’s still no excusing taking your socks out. Wtf.

I bet he’s a terrible lover, too.

I wouldn’t like that at all. It’s very self-absorbed. Sorry. OP.

We are separate laundry and separate accounts!

But his reasoning for the laundry is that he’ll shrink or somehow ruin my stuff if it goes in with his as he uses the same wash without thinking.

i am fine with this as he often forgets to take tissues / paper towels out of his pockets and then his stuff (only his thank god) is covered in bits of tissue.

he would do a bunch of my washing if I asked him but I’d have to check it was on a wool wash or whatever for him so negates the point.

He also does his ironing. I don’t mind washing his stuff but he’s on it - and I do bedding and tea towels and normal towels.

The only separate laundry in this house is by colours/delicates/woollens/outdoor wear.

How’s the sex life OP? Does he have any concerns with oral sex or bodily fluids? Does it affect other areas of your joint life?

we do separate laundry int this house, not so much mine and dp but separate to the kids stuff.
we do:
kids
our 'normal' 'non softener' and whites
DP has a lot of dri-fit stuff that shouldnt be washed with softener
and the kids stuff gets horribly muddy and teenageboy sweaty
bedding gets washed in the same split.
all towels together in a super hot wash

Why is it weird to not do your blokes laundry, and not ask him to do yours? And why is it ironic? 😐

This happens in my house too. Drives me mad

OCD? As in, doesn't want anyone's juices mixing with his washing...?

We do our own laundry. My husband has annoying habits of waiting til the laundry bin is completely full then doing 3 loads at once whereas I do mine when there is a full load. It's also easier to remember items of your own clothing that have specific washing or drying instructions.

Both of us will do bits of the others washing when we don't have a full load, or of there's something urgent that needs doing, or something left in the washing bin, or if one of us has done some sport and there is something more smelly or dirty than usual etc. Without asking. So whilst I don't think it's weird to want to do his own washing, I do think it's weird for him to take socks out of the washing bin...that just seems a bit petty (especially if you do more than your share of household tasks)...a bit like doing all the washing up other than one spoon in a houseshare because it wasn't you who used it

I really do not want my DP to wash my clothes. He tumble dries everything and hangs things up like an unstable raccoon!! Of course I’ll put his stuff on, along with mine, but after I kept forgetting to wash his work clothes, we we ended up saying he’d do all his own washing (although I still do a fair bit of his bits and bobs and I will wash his uniform if I get around to it!) however, I’m a student and on summer break so it’s no trouble. And I wash his nicer stuff so he doesn’t damage it.

We split other chores too - like you do the washing up if I cook dinner etc.

There's lots wrong with separate laundry if it means you both keep doing half loads! It's wasteful, if nothing else.
@Broadcare I don't think it's necessarily a red flag, but seems rather odd that he doesn't do 'the laundry' so that his things get washed how he wants them but he does yours as well.

But that's different? Separating by type, colour or level of dirt is quite a normal thing to do.

Surely he shrinks loads of his clothes then? 😳

This is what i want to know. If it’s you, there’d be dinner for one played up tomorrow while you asked him if he thought it was a partnership or if he saw you more as a support service who cooks cleans and he’s generously doing his own laundry but not the sheets and towels, he leaves them for the housekeeping service.

It's not about separate loads. Surely some people prefer this set up, while others find it wasteful, inefficient or even insulting.

But he's doing something you find passive-aggressive (taking your socks out of a wash; refusing to have an open conversation about a daily living situation). If you can't have an honest conversation about something as mundane as laundry and come to a happy understanding, or at least a tolerance, how do you tackle bigger issues? Money, future plans, etc.

Not that you're thinking of dc - I got the impression you don't have them at home now? - but this is the kind of practised incompetence that is liveable until you have dc.

He can indeed learn to do laundry without shrinking and fading your clothes. He can hang clothing properly on a line or drying rack. He is an adult with a job - it's well within his ability.

Doing your own laundry - fine if you don't mind. (But who does sheets and towels? You again?) Doing all your own + all dc's + all tea towels/sheets/ cushion covers/ towels because he just can't shake out a t-shirt and pin in neatly on a line? That builds righteous resentment.

Yes of course and he does sometimes if he comes home with really dirty clothes ( he’s in construction) and washes them straight away. I do most of the washing, he’s better at other things such as cooking dinner ( mostly weekends) and some in the week, the food shop, bins, gardening, cleaning the bathroom. We just work with what’s best for us and our timings around our full time jobs. He takes our son to nursery, I pick up. Don’t see how your question is relevant to the post but there you go I’ve answered 🙂

Yes, I think it's problematic- you are clean enough to live with and sleep with , but not clean enough to share washing machine space with him?
That doesn't sound progressive at all to me. The only people I have ever known do this were gay men at the height of the Aids panic.

Same here