DH insists on separate laundry. Is this normal?

[Broadcare]

Been married 4 years, together 7.

DH has always done his own laundry - which I thought was progressive and fine. He’s very particular about how he washes his clothes and I didn’t really question it.

But lately I’ve noticed he won’t put mine in with his even if there’s loads of room in the machine. Like if I leave a few things in the basket on laundry day, they’re still there afterwards. He’ll literally only do his and leave mine untouched. Once I even put a few of my socks in the drum before he started the wash and he took them out and left them on top of the machine.

I asked him about it and he just said “I prefer to do my own.” That’s it. No real explanation.

For context - I work full time, cook most nights, and do the bulk of the cleaning. He works too, but from home, and has a bit more flexibility in the day. So laundry isn’t a huge time issue, it’s just… the principle?

I’ve started wondering if it’s a control thing, or some weird boundary he’s drawing. I mentioned it to a friend and she laughed and said maybe he doesn’t want our underwear touching, which honestly made me feel even weirder about it.

I know it’s not a big deal compared to what some people are dealing with, but I’m starting to feel like it says something about how separate we are day-to-day. It’s not even like he’s fastidious - his socks still live on the floor half the time.

Is this a red flag? Anyone else’s partner like this or am I just being over-sensitive?

So you exchange body fluids, but he won't wash your smalls? That's stupid.
What a waste of money and resources!

unless they were a fabric incompatible with the program he wanted to use (eg they might have run), I’d say it’s pretty weird to remove a few of your spouse’s socks that were already in the machine.

Why is everyone assuming that partial loads are being done? Do you think single people never do a full load?

There are three of us in our household (me, DH, and a twenty one year old). I have always done our laundry separately. DH does his, I do mine and the DC's (historically).

I have never mixed our laundry up. And no partial loads, so probs we aren't killing the planet.

That was the entire point of the op - he once had a half load, she put some bits in, he took them out.

How is it a waste of money? He does a full load of his clothes, OP does a full load of her clothes.

Do the maths - one mixed load twice a week, equals two unmixed loads once a week each.

What do people think is going to happen if dirty knickers and boxers go in the same wash! You obviously share a bed and bodily fluids!

That is the OP. I am referring to lots of other people who say they do their own and others saying “no wonder there’s climate change with all these half loads being done”

@Charabanc If he's taking out her her laundry that's been added to the wash then it suggests he's not doing a full load.
It means there's 2 lots of water, electricity and laundry detergent.

Yes. Why so shocked? Myself and DP do separate laundry.

I mean….have you asked why he does this? Removing your socks is somewhat extreme!

How does he dry his washing? Does he not want the bother of drying yours and putting it away?

We all do separate laundry. DD is particular about how her laundry smells, but DS and I are both allergic to what she uses. DS smokes and is also an active and therefore smelly young man, so his clothes need a pre wash and a longer cycle to come out clean. I won't let anyone touch my laundry because early in our marriage DH (who doesn't read the labels) ruined quite a few of my tops while being 'helpful' and I had to get quite shouty before he agreed to stop. I don't do DH's because when I was on adoption leave I did his laundry and he never put it away, so I stopped doing it. We all do full loads as we all have plenty of clothes so don't need to wash frequently in order to have something to wear. Whoever is at a loose end when the machine is free does the bedding and towels.

I would absolutely take somebody else's socks out of my load of washing. I wash socks and underwear on a 60 degree cycle to kill anything that might be living there, so wouldn't even put my own socks in with regular clothes.

So you're doing everything, except that he does his own laundry

And who knows why 🤔

He's at home all day... Yet you work outside the home and come back and do all the cooking and cleaning???!

Wtf

He can't throw a meal together and give the bathroom a once over?

But manages to do HIS laundry?

I wear a lot of silk and cashmere. There is a six foot exclusion zone around my laundry basket as far as DH is concerned, as he’d ruin everything in an attempt to be helpful.

He sounds bonkers 😜

I think the wanting clothing separate if it's a "don't want them touching" sort of thing is a mental health flag, though not necessarily a big red one to worry about if he isn't causing difficulties for him or you in other ways.

That you both work and you do more household chores even though, it sounds, he has more free time than you as he WFH is a red flag, though. I might try something along the lines of "It's fine if you don't want our clothes touching in the washing machine, but I'm doing way more household stuff than you so could you make sure you put my laundry in a separate wash when you have a spare moment to start to balance things up a bit".

Could he not put your washing in before or after his?

I’m guessing you don’t have children? I expect if you do then you’ll be responsible for their washing too. I would be resetting things here, no way would I do all the cleaning and cooking. As others have said just start cooking for yourself.

4 males and me in our house
Everyone has their own wash ,and there own clothes airer to dry on ,as in I do not mix clothes.
Firstly I don't want my clothes in with theirs
Second they are all near enough the same size ,would be a nightmare sorting socks and pants ..no thanks ..much easier separate

Although it is odd, it may just be a quirky habit or OCD type thing. I can be a bit like this myself. I don't like other people drinking out of my mug or favourite glass.

I wouldn't even consider mixing laundry. We each have our own laundry basket, have our own washing days. It's separate.

Totally weird. I am particular about how I wash clothes too. But if I'm doing white cotton on a hot wash then I will put both mine and DPs stuff in. If I'm doing undies on a delicate cycle then there's nothing of his that could really go in.

why did he take your socks out, if they were bright red wool and he was doing whites then fair enough but if not, I would press him on it?

We wash everyones clothes seperately, its a pain in the bum working out what belongs to who if it’s all mixed together.

My OH does all the laundry but we have separate wash loads. We are both quite particular about how we like things washed and with what detergents etc. never knew we were weird, well, not for that anyway! 😂