DH insists on separate laundry. Is this normal?

[Broadcare]

Been married 4 years, together 7.

DH has always done his own laundry - which I thought was progressive and fine. He’s very particular about how he washes his clothes and I didn’t really question it.

But lately I’ve noticed he won’t put mine in with his even if there’s loads of room in the machine. Like if I leave a few things in the basket on laundry day, they’re still there afterwards. He’ll literally only do his and leave mine untouched. Once I even put a few of my socks in the drum before he started the wash and he took them out and left them on top of the machine.

I asked him about it and he just said “I prefer to do my own.” That’s it. No real explanation.

For context - I work full time, cook most nights, and do the bulk of the cleaning. He works too, but from home, and has a bit more flexibility in the day. So laundry isn’t a huge time issue, it’s just… the principle?

I’ve started wondering if it’s a control thing, or some weird boundary he’s drawing. I mentioned it to a friend and she laughed and said maybe he doesn’t want our underwear touching, which honestly made me feel even weirder about it.

I know it’s not a big deal compared to what some people are dealing with, but I’m starting to feel like it says something about how separate we are day-to-day. It’s not even like he’s fastidious - his socks still live on the floor half the time.

Is this a red flag? Anyone else’s partner like this or am I just being over-sensitive?

If my DH put a part load in the machine and actually took my socks out when I tried to add them, I'd be extremely annoyed.
Does he think your sock-dirt will contaminate his clothes, even when the whole point of a washing machine is to get them all clean? Does he think that separating your socks from his clothes afterwards would be Too Much Hard Work?

I know one person who was like this: On the Spectrum, touch of OCD. Thought having his (then) wife's things in the wash 'contaminated' his. How is he about other 'hygiene' issues? Will he, for example, share food (like licking an ice cream you're eating, or letting you taste one he's eating)?

My partner and I do separate laundry.

The only thing we wash together are towels.

It's just how we always do it and if an errant sock gets caught up in the other's laundry it can be a bit irksome because, when we fold and put our own laundry away, there is a random sock to deal with 🤣

I know that will sound bonkers to people who do the laundry together but, when something's not part of your everyday normal, you notice it.

We do separate laundry but we wouldn't object to adding each others items if needed.

It's what has always works for us and doesn't make us 'weird'.

I think it's extremely strange and also extremely bad for the environment.There is no reason why their clothes can't go in the machine together The washing machine shouldn't be run half full anyway . It's wasting water and energy .
Also what happens if they have children?. Will they have to run the machine there or four times so that everything is separated?

Weird.
Why have you stepped into the role of house skivvy?

Don't have children with such a lazy selfish man.
You have made a mistake marrying him.
Sorry.
Stop cooking at all.
Shop for yourself only.
Stop the cleaning unless he helps.
Think about your future and if this is really what you want?

I live with my DS and DD and all washing is done separately. Myself and my ds are particular about making sure our clothes are washed properly on the correct temp and matching colours etc. my dd however just slings anything in the machine and puts it all on at the same temp!

Does he wash only his own dishes too? It’s weird.

So you do most of the cooking (for both of you) and cleaning (for both of you) whilst he does washing (just for him). I think i know why it bothers you OP!

We do full loads, so it makes no difference to the environment at all.

Do you wear a lot of perfume?
I never wear any and can smell it 10 yards away!!😀 My nose is twitching even thinking about it!!😂
Maybe he feels it sticks to his clothes if your laundry is mixed.

I’ve been married 28 years and my husband has always done his own laundry, including hanging it out on the line. We have separate laundry baskets. Suits me and works for us.

This thread reminds me of the ones where people say that not having all your money in joint accounts means you're not a proper couple. I wonder if there is a correlation between separate laundry and separate bank accounts.

We don't know why he won't wash your things. Ask him, then come back and tell us.

A good compromise here could be he does all the laundry and then he can split the loads to do his stuff separately if he likes but he still does yours, given you do so many chores for him.

I asked him about it and he just said “I prefer to do my own.” That’s it. No real explanation. (from the OP)

Although I think I'd have pushed for less of a non-answer to be honest.

We always did our own laundry. It’s not weird, it’s excellent.

It might be about duties but it might be sort of sensitivity/ germs fear issue. I don’t know how to call it and why is that and of course it’s weird. He doesn’t want your items touching his. He might be ok with chucking it all in at 90 degrees but as he’s only doing 40 he refuses.
Just think if he is particular in other hygiene related things e.g washing hands, separate towels etc it’s this.
If it’s his point about dividing duties maybe he thinks that you should be doing his and hence that reaction?
So basically it is weird and it tells about something but this one thing is not enough to understand his reasoning.

Mine does his own laundry. Also irons his own clothes, puts away etc. he’s always done this. When our dc were younger he’d do theirs too. I don’t remember once ever having to iron a school shirt lol. But he wouldn’t do mine. It’s a respect thing he says. The same as he wouldn’t go into my handbag to grab my keys or whatever. When I’ve been unwell or having our dc he’d do my washing of course but in general it’s mine to do. Never really thought of it as a red flag at all. Just his way

Separate laundry doesn't mean half loads.
We just wait until we have a full load and then wash our clothes.
We all have separate laundry baskets (including DS) and when they're full they get washed. I do mine, DH does his and DS's gets done by whoever isn't doing the sports club on a Saturday. Same for communal stuff like bedding and towels.

Not in my house. Separate laundry, joint account.

Maybe you should start cooking and cleaning just for yourself and when he asks why simply reply “I prefer to do my own.”

He is weird; you are not being over-sensitive. This kind of rigidness has no place in a healthy marriage (or a healthy life, for that matter).

For context - I work full time, cook most nights, and do the bulk of the cleaning. He works too, but from home, and has a bit more flexibility in the day. So laundry isn’t a huge time issue, it’s just… the principle?

What exactly does he do? Apart from his own laundry?

It's weird, so either he's got some kind of compulsive obsessive issue or similar OR it's some kind of way of excusing himself from doing anything else because he does his own laundry. I bet he "does the bins"

Yes we separate. Not to the point of evicting another’s socks. Just generally we have our own baskets so it’s each persons responsibility to wash when they want and the load comes out mainly theirs - so it’s there responsibility to fold and out away. DP is awful with the settings and the wash additives. I have no idea how but he sets in all kinds of stains.