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Original poster

DH insists on separate laundry. Is this normal?

153 replies

Broadcare · 30/07/2025 17:11

Been married 4 years, together 7.

DH has always done his own laundry - which I thought was progressive and fine. He’s very particular about how he washes his clothes and I didn’t really question it.

But lately I’ve noticed he won’t put mine in with his even if there’s loads of room in the machine. Like if I leave a few things in the basket on laundry day, they’re still there afterwards. He’ll literally only do his and leave mine untouched. Once I even put a few of my socks in the drum before he started the wash and he took them out and left them on top of the machine.

I asked him about it and he just said “I prefer to do my own.” That’s it. No real explanation.

For context - I work full time, cook most nights, and do the bulk of the cleaning. He works too, but from home, and has a bit more flexibility in the day. So laundry isn’t a huge time issue, it’s just… the principle?

I’ve started wondering if it’s a control thing, or some weird boundary he’s drawing. I mentioned it to a friend and she laughed and said maybe he doesn’t want our underwear touching, which honestly made me feel even weirder about it.

I know it’s not a big deal compared to what some people are dealing with, but I’m starting to feel like it says something about how separate we are day-to-day. It’s not even like he’s fastidious - his socks still live on the floor half the time.

Is this a red flag? Anyone else’s partner like this or am I just being over-sensitive?

OP posts:
Wolfpinkola · 30/07/2025 17:54

Is he in a bit of a ‘self ‘ bubble in any other ways ?

Branleuse · 30/07/2025 17:57

My husband prefers to do his own laundry and I definitely think he's odd about it

Musicaltheatremum · 30/07/2025 18:02

Thelittleweasel · 30/07/2025 17:36

@BugsyMaroon @Broadcare

Oh the joys of a hot wash or even better a "boil wash".

The DCs would not believe it but I recall the blissful days of childhood [Mondays of course] of putting on the gas copper to boil and then the lovely sensation of the Persil being added and getting up the nose.

I am - of course - "very" old

My mum had a twin tub. You could get that really hot and it was much quicker to get several loads done. Took her years to get to grips with an automatic and leaving it whilst she did the housework.

MageQueen · 30/07/2025 18:10

I've never udnerstood couples who do separate washing but if it works for them, fine.

However, if he's so insistent that your washing can be mixed, is he going to, separately, also do yours seeing as he is currently taking on so little of the domestic load? That can be his chore - laundry for all in the house, done in whatever way he prefers?

What about when you have DC down the line?

HotCrossBunplease · 30/07/2025 18:15

Him doing his own laundry- fine.
Him taking out your socks - could be fine if a good reason (eg worried he will shrink them, worried he’ll lose one, worried about colour runs)
Him brushing you off with “I prefer to do my own” - not fine.

My husband and I do separate laundry. Main reason is that neither of us has any interest in assuming the mental load of making sure another adult has clean clothes. We both do our son’s stuff if we see son’s laundry basket is full.

But neither of us would be precious about one of the other’s items getting mixed in.

BlankBlankBlank14 · 30/07/2025 18:17

Musicaltheatremum · 30/07/2025 18:02

My mum had a twin tub. You could get that really hot and it was much quicker to get several loads done. Took her years to get to grips with an automatic and leaving it whilst she did the housework.

Show quote history

My MIL used to sit looking at the automatic and complaining how long it took, she never grasped walking away from it.

TwoFastHorses · 30/07/2025 18:18

No wonder there are water shortages with all these people doing partial loads of one person’s laundry!

Justmuddlingalong · 30/07/2025 18:20

Does he put on a load of washing with just your stuff, or does he only do his own?

HotCrossBunplease · 30/07/2025 18:20

TwoFastHorses · 30/07/2025 18:18

No wonder there are water shortages with all these people doing partial loads of one person’s laundry!

We don’t do partial loads. We each do our own laundry when we have enough for a full load.

Catsandcannedbeans · 30/07/2025 18:20

To hide the fact he wears woman’s pants 😭.

Nah I’m kidding, it would piss me off because it’s a bit of a waste of water.

verycloakanddaggers · 30/07/2025 18:21

This is not a red flag, no. It's an oddity that causes no practical problems worth worrying about. (Unless you have issues with the division of labour generally)

If you keep trying to force him to change without a genuine reason, I think that could be a red flag. A relationship is about a lot more than how you do the washing, this seems a small quirk unless there's a drip feed.

cornflourblue · 30/07/2025 18:22

I couldn't be bothered with that!

Who washes your bedsheets, towels, tea towels etc?

Who washes/would wash the DCs clothes?

Let me guess....

Does he also only cook for himself? Only dust and hoover his side of the bedroom?

ObliviousCoalmine · 30/07/2025 18:23

If you hadn’t raised it I’d have assumed it was because maybe he thought that you were the same as him and would prefer to do your own/have particular processes etc.

But you have raised it, and he was weird.

Mabiscuit · 30/07/2025 18:23

We have separate laundry but throw in our kid's washing when we're doing our own. If there's space, I'd ask my DH if he wants to throw something in with mine but he usually won't.

Delphiniumandlupins · 30/07/2025 18:25

Ask him. Does "I prefer to do my own" mean that he doesn't want you to do his laundry or that he only wants to do his own. As others have asked, who washes (and dries) bedding, towels etc? Is he pulling his weight or does he think washing his own clothes is enough contribution?

verycloakanddaggers · 30/07/2025 18:27

TwoFastHorses · 30/07/2025 18:18

No wonder there are water shortages with all these people doing partial loads of one person’s laundry!

Think climate change plus industry plus the enormous volume of water leaks might have something to do with it.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/07/2025 18:30

verycloakanddaggers · 30/07/2025 18:21

This is not a red flag, no. It's an oddity that causes no practical problems worth worrying about. (Unless you have issues with the division of labour generally)

If you keep trying to force him to change without a genuine reason, I think that could be a red flag. A relationship is about a lot more than how you do the washing, this seems a small quirk unless there's a drip feed.

The drip feed was in the op that she does all the other housework and cooking and her own laundry.

Endofyear · 30/07/2025 18:33

It seems very odd to me! But then, I've always done most of the laundry for me, DH and 5 sons. Now it's just me and DH, we will both bung a load on if the laundry basket is full-ish. It would never occur to either of us to separate our clothes 😳

Ponderingwindow · 30/07/2025 18:36

We have separate laundry baskets and do separate laundry. None of us want to sort clothing on the other side.

i also have severe allergies and while my husband has to be careful about his exposure to keep me safe, he does not have to be as careful as me. I don’t want his potentially contaminated clothing in the wash with mine. If I suspect a load of his or our child’s was contaminated I was the machine before I run mine.

honeylulu · 30/07/2025 18:39

Seems a bit ridiculous and selfish especially if you do all the cooking and cleaning and work FT outside the house. He works from home (ideal for loading the washing machine and dishwasher) but he won't wash your clothes? Even separately to his? And "wastes" a full load rather than bung in some of your stuff?

Like other PP I'm curious - who launders the (joint) bedsheets?

Laundry is mainly my husband's job and he bungs everything in together, except for adult son who does his own (and knows to not dare do anything but a full load).

uncomfortablydumb60 · 30/07/2025 18:41

Nothing wrong with that as such unless he’s obsessive in other ways

dreamingbohemian · 30/07/2025 18:41

If you do the bulk of cooking and cleaning he should do all the laundry, if hes WFH

I do think you need to address this not from the POV of whether hes weird but a balance of labour issue, he is not pulling his weight and refusing to wash even a few things for you is ridiculous

Do you have kids or plan to? Because this attitude will not work when you have kids in the mix as well!

CalzoneOnLegs · 30/07/2025 18:44

TwoFastHorses · 30/07/2025 18:18

No wonder there are water shortages with all these people doing partial loads of one person’s laundry!

And a dying planet

FeelingSoDizzy · 30/07/2025 18:45

DH and do separate laundry as I won't have his disgusting handkerchiefs in with my clothes after finding snot spots left on things! 😖
We both do household laundry though and I stick odd bits of his in with mine if I don't have a full load.

WaltzingWaters · 30/07/2025 18:46

Trovindia · 30/07/2025 17:21

Just cook for yourself and tell him you prefer to do your own. Only wash your towels and tell him you prefer to do your own.

He's weird and selfish and I wouldn't personally put up with it

This!

Its weird, and wasteful of water and electricity if he’s not always waiting to fill the machine.

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