pension issue with DH

[Elephantonabroom]

DH and I are late 40s/early 50s. I can only work part time and my private pension will be tiny. DH earns about 3x what I earn, and will have generous final salary pension scheme. but we go 50/50 on everything (we don't have a mortgage, and I get child benefit pulse PIP for my eldest) so I manage. Once I retire (and I know there are still 20 years) I will have the state pension and a tiny private pension (forecasted to be in the ballpark for 2.5k annually). Since we don't have pooled finances (DH is not agreeing to this). I will need to make some more provisions to protect myself once I get to retirement age. Any ideas who to bump up my pension. I can currently not increase my hours nor can I increase my pension contributions (it's a low paid part time job as both DC have complex care needs and I am the primary carer). But I won't be able to rely on DH's pension.

Sorry what i meant was thats not classed as your income or household "income". PIP should be taken out of the equation completely as its for your son. Then you should split all costs on income. If H earns 3x more than you then he pays 3x as many bills as you. You should both be left with the same disposable income

You are amazing. I just read the updates and should have done to start with. Don't worry about private pension, keep doing what you do. Don't divorce, you need the house. Let him fuck off to work or his room. If you are at peace with the child who needs care, that's a bonus. This is your life, you are doing amazing

With respect OP, by accepting this arrangement you are also short changing your children. You are not there the in the way you could be when you are held on such a short financial leash by your husband. I also disagree that you should be using PIP in the way you are using it, if you are not going to do the right thing then you should lose it.

Divorce your husband & you'll be entitled to a share of his pension and half if all jointly owned assets.

What kind of person watches their partner struggle financially when they have a far larger income than them?

Thats not how i meant it. H shouldnt be classing PIP as OPs income and neither should she as its for her son (however she spends it) H should be paying 3x more bills than OP as his earnings are 3x more. Pip shouldnt be included or treated as OPs "income" as its not

She is already looking after them alone.

What's respectful about accusing a mother of financially abusing her disabled children? The children need care, she needs an income in order to be around to provide care. OP is absolutely fine to use the PIP.

I .am really getting upset by some of the responses insinuating that I am milking my DC. I would be so much better ofv if I could work full time and not care every waking hours on top of work.

Thanks everyone who offered meaningful advice. there is certainly a lot to take away and to look. but I will be leaving this thread now.

If/when you inherit the house do not give him a single penny from it

If he pays the mortgage and all bills and let me in peace look after my children, I cab live with this. Of course, at some point you might divorce but in your case you will lose that house and might never be able to buy one again....you have variety of choices to make or none but pension isn't your problem right now

People don't always understand what does it mean to have a child with health issues and husband who doesn't do shared finance ....and divorce isn't unfortunately a panacea always or so easy.

Of course you can divorce a man or he might die abd you get what you get.

I don't think you are milking your children but if you allow your DH to opt out of pulling his weight financially you are not doing the best for your children. He should be contributing more which means you will more freedom over how PIP supports your children. PIP should not be on the table when you discuss sharing out bills.

Oh my God what a prince this man is. You are bearing the financial burden of caring for your children and he is protecting himself. Disgusting to be honest

Such judgement on here, clearly from people who have never walked in even vaguely similar shoes. PIP is to fund the extra costs of disability so @Elephantonabroom is doing nothing wrong using it to provide that extra care etc needed. And awful though her situation is, the immediate options might be even worse for her and her DC. She came on here worried about her pension situation, not to be criticised for her choice to put her DC before anything else.

WHat a horrible man you are married to.

This is emotional abuse lovely.
He's also financially abusing you by refusing to work as a true partnership and leaving you to potentially live in poverty in retirement.
He doesn't deserve you. Cut your losses and divorce him, and look for 50% of everything plus child support.

legally you are entitled to half of everything. This really grates on me because you have sacrificed your carer to bring up children, cannot work full time, and he has built his carer and salary up. He wouldn’t have been able to do that if you wasn’t at home taking care of children. It’s very much a Team effort. He cannot just earn it all, and keep it all. Selfish prick! Tell him he needs to go part time, you go full time so can build up some savings. You keep your money and leave him skint - see how he likes it.

Op you are doing well in very challenging circumstances. I am sad for you that your partner is so selfish but you won’t change him so I think your tactic of hanging in there while your teens grow up more is a good one. Is there any possibility you might inherit from your relatives over the course of the next 20 years? If that’s a possibility look into that being ringfenced for you so that he can’t access this pot. Ignore the “leave the bastard” posters they don’t understand your situation. You are fighting for your children’s survival and making the best of a difficult situation. He may pre decease you sorry that is awful to say but it is a possibility so just keep trucking along for now. When things are so tough it’s probably best not to worry too much about the distant future.

But you can't cover everything you need. You can't increase your pension contributions to get a better nest egg for yourself.

I'd lay it out to him. His options are contribute proportionately to bills and contribute to your pension OR you will no longer be primary care giver and that will be split 50/50 so you can work and earn more money for yourself.

I dont think anyone thinks youre doing wrong, but you cannot live like this. You dont deserve this life, you'll be so much happier without him in your life.

Please don't get upset. Many of us DO understand where you are coming from. If you want to PM then please feel free to do so.

NO NO NO. This is all so wrong.

I would give it 5 years - will he be mid mid 50s then because it’s going to be a heck of a lot easier to get your hands on his pension cash - ( I think it’s going up to 57 in a couple of years) - at this point though if you get a highish sum you won’t get any benefits for a long while until you get down to 16k - my personal choice in your situation would be either to hold off till then OR call it a day in the next year , get good maintenance out of him for the kids which you can at the moment keep on top of any benefits ( obviously if you have a lot of equity you may be entitled to bugger all but will have that money too to invest) , sort somewhere to rent , keep a job - you can go into ‘entitled to ‘ and work out all kinds of scenarios , and possibly will get more help and support with the children if you are on your own too or use PIP/ maintenance to pay for a bit more help and then in a few years time get half the pension too - there are a lot of different scenarios to think about but I do think you would be fine - you are looking at it from a ‘it’s all impossible’ angle at the moment - it really isn’t — access to cash opens up a whole new world, be it maintenance, equity or pension value - please don’t put up with this absolute arse - !!!

@Elephantonabroomi don’t think anyone says you have been milking your kids - unless I’ve missed it - I think we are unanimously disgusted at your husband though

So why do you have to cut your working hours and therefore pension contribution and he doesn’t??

I would go divorce and take half of his pension too, he’s being a twat.