pension issue with DH

[Elephantonabroom]

DH and I are late 40s/early 50s. I can only work part time and my private pension will be tiny. DH earns about 3x what I earn, and will have generous final salary pension scheme. but we go 50/50 on everything (we don't have a mortgage, and I get child benefit pulse PIP for my eldest) so I manage. Once I retire (and I know there are still 20 years) I will have the state pension and a tiny private pension (forecasted to be in the ballpark for 2.5k annually). Since we don't have pooled finances (DH is not agreeing to this). I will need to make some more provisions to protect myself once I get to retirement age. Any ideas who to bump up my pension. I can currently not increase my hours nor can I increase my pension contributions (it's a low paid part time job as both DC have complex care needs and I am the primary carer). But I won't be able to rely on DH's pension.

Hopefully you’ll have divorced him long before pension age and then you’ll be ok. Not much else you can do in between, but just try and hang on in there.

PIP is your childs money not your income

Get divorced and you can have half his pension and savings. Easy.

I used to have similar disagreements about finances with my ex, who earned a lot more than I did. I remember saying that if we were divorced it would all be shared equally so why not do that within our marriage? She disagreed and we ended up divorced (she left me for someone even richer than she is). Now I control my own finances.

Ok can you divorce take some pension etc but then he either needs to care for his own children at least 50% of the time or pay you child maintenance

Like others have said if you were to divorce him he would have a rude awakening.
When I divorced my ex he was in a shed load of dept all in his name, I got told just because its in his name it is still a matrimonial dept because some of it was used to by cars which I had access to and furniture even though I didn't want to get into dept for it. My point? Unless the law has changed, his pension is your pension and he needs to wake up!
Also consider do you have wills and are you provided for if anything should happen to him? I would see if you can get a half hr slot with a solicitor and get some advice, you need to secure the future of you and your children

Oh OP, your life sounds extremely hard, but I promise you that you DO have options. Please go and see a solicitor and get some legal advice. I know you say that divorce isn't an option atm, but many of us thought that, and from every thing you've said,I strongly suspect that you would be much better doing so.

That's not much of a life when it shouldn't be like that

And if it's (hopefully) a good number of years before you get any inheritance, he wouldn't be able to get his hands on it

If you don't have a mortgage & your DH earns well.
What does he spend his wages on ?
Does he have expensive hobbies ?

Pete Matthew’s is meaningful money podcast , he is really good .

This ⬆️

Quite. Does he not understand what being married means?

Please contact women's aid for real life support and the freedom program. They will have the answers and be able to support you or signpost you to the relevant agencies. You do need legal advice so you know what options you have.

I can see that you are trapped for the moment, but you won’t always be. I can see that it’s not in you and your DC’s best interests to divorce now.

However, start planning for the future. Open a secret account and ask them not to send statements home. Any spare money you get, a tenner here and there, put it in the account. Over 5 years it’ll mount up and you’ll have a stash to pay a divorce lawyer.

Keep tabs on any info you can on him. Photocopy a pension statement left out, anything you see of his and keep it hidden away. Start a dosier on him for when you can leave. You’ll need to know what he’s got so account no.s and details of his pension will help.

He’s a grade a c*nt and he deserves no empathy from you when it comes to screwing him over in 5 years time. He treats you and your DC with absolute contempt.

Bide your time OP, and have the last laugh. Make sure you divorce him and you should get more than 50/50 (including his pension) as you have disabled DC, before any inheritance may come your way because believe me he thinks what’s his is his, but the minute you get £250k he’ll want his grubby nuts on it.

If he was my son I’d rip him a new one.

Yes, I think this is good advice. You're being very badly treated OP.

Can you increase your hours

Another vote for divorcing him, I'm afraid.

He should give you half anyway, for all the earnings you've sacrificed while caring for your child.

I'm very sorry for your situation OP, and for some of the stupid and cruel comments and questions you have had to put up with on this thread.

Given what you have said about your relationship, your H is emotionally and financially abusing you, so your best bet is to squirrel away money that he doesn't know about and can't find.

Do you have a trusted friend or family member that you can confide in?

Fuck me. Your bar is beyond low here. My husband would give me everything he had and then the shirt off his back. He says he loves me more because of what I have given him (his children).

You are being seriously abused and seem happy and willing to let it happen. In fact, you are excusing it. I think you need to start putting yourself first.

You need to get your parents house put into trust for you if that’s what you are looking at inheritance. My Mam and Dad did that about 15 years ago for me and my brother. Dad is sadly no longer with us and Mam is in a wonderful care home. The care has used all of her savings, around £200,000 but now she’s down to her last £14,000 the council are paying for her care in full. They can’t touch the house that’s in trust to us. This is something you really need to look into asap.

Just an aside…….I don’t think your DH is being fair. But hey that’s up to you. Good luck x

This is such a sad story. What an awful man. How can he treat his wife like this? With two such dependent children?
Just absolutely awful, greedy and cruel.

Are you able to spend the PIP on what it's meant for or is it paying the council tax. You're being financially abused.

OP, this was heartbreaking reading. As everyone says you are being abused. Please talk to Women's Aid. All money including pension should be family money when you are looking after his children.

Have you made a plan as to what would happen if you became unable to care for your kids?

Im sorry I didnt mean to offend. You mentioned one child had PIP, but both had complex needs. Both my children have PIP and complex needs, and both going to uni (although one having to study near home) so its hard to know exactly, as complex is, well, complex. As you mentioned one possibly living independently and potentially not receiving PIP I made the false assumption that this child might have possibly studied. sorry

I would contact womens aid. Also do either of your kids have a social worker? You mention you get 3 hours respite a week - so do you have anyone to advocate on your bnehalf.

Its clear to see that this man is abusing you and he is not going to engage with any discussions or change. You cannot force him to do so, and you say he even controls what you speak about, so it does not sound a positive place for you to be in even if there was any more cash sloshing around. You are right to be concerned, and I think it would be good to start investigating whether, as a single parent, you could access any more help. Indeed if you had more income to play with, via work /UC and the top ups for disability, you may find that you could afford to pay for some help for your child from his PIP.

Could you apply for PIP/DLA for the younger child?

But Id speak to womens aid as a first point of call, to see if you can be helped to get away, and start a process of disentangling yourself from this awful man