Shockingly huge age gap, wwyd?

[Saponaria]

I'm am 40 and my partner is 67, so we have a 27 year age gap. We've been together for three years. It's the best relationship I've ever had. He is the most wonderful man and the most loving partner that anyone could ever wish for. He is incredibly wise, sexy, fun, and so much more!

He looks after himself very well, he is physically very fit and has a great body! Also great posture and dresses well. He could pass for 50.
He has had some health issues, cancer and heart problems, but he is fighting fit again now and has bags of energy and enthusiasm for life. He is a really positive, motivated and energetic person. Our sex life is fantastic and I really fancy him despite our age gap.

I am happily child-free, have my own home and work full time. My partner is retired and I see him at the weekends. We live separately.

I'm currently taking stock of the relationship and trying to decide whether to continue. The age gap was a big deal for me at the start but we have proved it can work, it's not something that either of us notices. We have so many shared interests and we're extremely compatible on multiple levels.

However I'm now thinking about the future. If you were me, would you continue with the relationship? Or would you end it now and try and build a life with someone that is more your age?

He has set the bar EXTREMELY high so I worry that I won't find anyone as wonderful as him that I am compatible with on so many levels. It's hard to imagine life without him.

Really need help and perspective!

My partner is older than me, though not by as much - a decade.

So he is having one or two slight issues with blood pressure and atrial fibrillation. He can't walk uphill quite as fast. Cataracts are beginning to develop. He's now in his mid-seventies. He gets more tired when driving and dislikes driving at night, so I will take a much bigger share when we do any journeys. Obviously his appearance has changed too. (The ageing thing doesn't happen gradually - it can seem quite sudden.) So he doesn't have the muscle tone that he used to. And he's now pretty much completely bald. Generally in good nick for his age.

I can cope with the idea that I will need to take care of him more as time goes on. However, I know that some forms of caring - ie if a person has dementia are very tough, and I really hope that things won't go that way. More generally I do know that I am more likely to be widowed, and dealing with both the practical and emotional aspects of that will be tricky.

Arguably with a much more significant age gap, then you'd have more energy and resilience to deal with all this. But you will also need to restart your life in, say, a couple of decades.

There's no right answer. It's just about trying to go into things with your eyes wide open.

Agreed! This, and also age is just a number. It really isn't. Our age is linked to statisics and those statisics will get harder to beat the older you get. Our bodies decline as we age, it's inevitable. We grow and develop quicker in our first 20 years and decline quicker in the last 20 years if you die of age related causes. This man has just entered the quicker decline stage so it is likely it will start to become very noticeable quite soon.

i agree personality changes. I was out with a large group of old school friends a few weeks ago -we all have parents in their seventies. Unfortunately a few have lost parents in recent years. We all commented that parents are much more anxious and much more ‘prickly’.

my parents take offense now very easily - my dad huffs and stops speaking to me if he perceives I have been disrespectful. He was never like that before.

all commented that health is a major topic of conversation - their health and other peoples. They suddenly know a lot of people with medical ailments and talk about it in great detail!

This is, of course, just a small sample (maybe twenty folks in their seventies). But the similarities were striking.

I don't see why you would end your current set up if you are enjoying each other's company. You are dating which does not mean you are committed to staying together forever or to being his future nurse. As long as you aren't promising something you won't/can't honour, I don't see a problem. If he wants more commitment and you don't want to give it- be clear and he can make a choice himself.

In your position, I would be very reluctant to commit more/move in. The age difference means that the benefits of co-habiting/long term committment are heavily skewed in his favour - so don't feel guilty about opting out.

I have a 24 year relationship with DH and young children. We just get on with it! We do have our ups and downs like all relationships.
I'm currently the one in poorer health but will hopefully recover.
If you're happy stick with it, if not don't, but life will take care of itself....

Life's a gamble.

It makes me cross when posters say you will end up as his carer.
No one knows the future.
If you're unlucky, you could die before him.

Statistically, women outlive men so even if you were with someone your own age you could end up being their carer. And not all old people need care- some just drop dead on the golf course or are only ill for a few months before they die.

I know as many men caring for their wives as women doing it for men- and where the couples are the same age.

The fact is however, that if you do stay together he is likely to die first and you could be alone again. But if he lives to 90, you'd be in your 60s.

You may as well flip a coin. The future is uncertain for everyone, age gap or not.

@Bellyblueboy I saw this with my own dad and the fathers of my friends too!

After 70- there was a rapid decline. My dad used to be a very laid back, calm, intellectually curious person. After he hit 70 he morphed into someone who was anxious and snappy all the time, needed constant reassurance and his curiosity about life seemed to focus solely on what his neighbours were doing whereas before, he used to be interested in physics and literature etc. It was so sad to witness and from speaking to my friends, they had similar experiences with their parents.

Can we stop the ageism please? My DH and I are close to 70.

Not everyone has to be like your dad .

I think the issue is retirement, not age. People lose their oomph after they stop work which is why keeping going with something is really important even if it's unpaid work.

I would agree with this (see my previous points).
You have to keep your brain engaged, keep active, have a purpose.

People can die and get sick at any age. If he’s this amazing guy then why change things?

I think the saving grace is my parents are very similar age. They are slowing down together - and they both know a lot of people with health issues so they talk to each other about it😂.

but my god the bickering! They have lost patience and their relationship seems to be 75% low level bickering. It’s hard to be around.

again, my unscientific sample of friends tells me this is pretty common.

The age difference between OP and her partner is the same as me and my dad. I can cope with it (just about) from a daughter’s perspective. But would really struggle if this was my partner.

may parents are less than ten years older than OP’s boyfriend.

Lets look at the practical things.

You two live separately and see each other on weekends.
Unless you two decide to move in with one another then this is when the likelihood of you having to look out, and care for your DP increases.

But seeing you do not live together then surely he is not looking for anyone to look after him?

Have you had this conversation, who looks after who if something was to happen to either of you. Something could happen to you too as well, accidents, cancer, is he willing to take that on?

Its not ageism- I am relaying my real life experiences and other people are doing the same.

It's not ageism to point out that your health can rapidly decline at that age. Even you admit that carrying on with something you love can help your mind which would indicate that unless you stimulate it, it WILL decline.

If you're seriously thinking this, then you don't love him enough to stay. Real love is unconditional. That's why marriage vows say "For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health." I can absolutely see your point from a practical point of view, that it is pretty much given that you may become a nurse/carer and then be left alone, BUT I feel that this wouldn't cross your mind if you truly, deeply loved him. I knew someone whose husband was older than her, a similar age gap to yours, but after he died she said of course she was grieving, but she wouldn't have changed a moment of their life together, as it was so wonderful. Have you seriously sat down and talked this through with him? Believe me, at 67 and having had heart and cancer problems, he is not oblivious to his own mortality, so you need to discuss things.

I think it's down to whether you love him and if you do, is it enough to want to carry on. None of us is promised tomorrow, regardless of age and I know of a relationship with a 20 year age gap when the younger person sadly died. Her partner took wonderful care of her through her illness and was bereft when she passed away.

If it were me and I loved this man, I would stay. It's slim pickings out there.

It’s not agist to have a realistic conversation about aging and its impact on health and personality.

health declines as we age. Personality changes.

its not agist to have specialist medical services for the elderly. To make allowances. To ensure care packages are in place.

it’s not agist to consider what caring needs family members have, to be vigilant about changes in health and personality.

it’s something that has hit me very recently as I watch parents and aunts and uncles reach their seventies and eighties.

my parents are in pretty good health for their age, a few hospital stays. They have certainly changed personality wise, particularly my dad. It’s not agist to be sad about that.

the issues isn’t exclusively retirement. It’s physical. Any study will tell you the likelihood of illness increases with age. It’s best to be open about this rather than be in denial.

Enjoy it for what it is. You don't live together so its not the ultimate commitment. Is it working for you. If your questioning the age gap.

@MollyMaidsRightArm It is still very different when you age together rather than caring for a romantic partner who is 90 when you are only 63 and probably not even retired yet. OP has to decide if having someone to enjoy retirement with is important or not becuase she won't have that with this man.

Agree with lack of work/outside interests as likely root cause rather than age. It has made me rethink my early retirement plans.

I have a couple of friends in their late 50s who talk about their health in excrutiating detail - what they have in common is that they have both been SAHMs and, with kids grown up, haven't expanded their worlds/interests to fill the gap.

@MollyMaidsRightArm - but also agree it is not ageism to be wary of such a large relationaship age gap and what that might imply.

I personally wouldn't wan to be with a man this age - I wouldn't want to be a carer and realistically I wouldn't be able to grow old with someone. That being said, there are no given in this life - you could die before him.

If you're seriously thinking this, then you don't love him enough to stay. Real love is unconditional. That's why marriage vows say "For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health." I can absolutely see your point from a practical point of view, that it is pretty much given that you may become a nurse/carer and then be left alone, BUT I feel that this wouldn't cross your mind if you truly, deeply loved him. I knew someone whose husband was older than her, a similar age gap to yours, but after he died she said of course she was grieving, but she wouldn't have changed a moment of their life together, as it was so wonderful. Have you seriously sat down and talked this through with him? Believe me, at 67 and having had heart and cancer problems, he is not oblivious to his own mortality, so you need to discuss things.

I’ve NC’d for this.

@SaponariaI am in a 28 year age gap marriage albeit I’m younger than you (late 20’s). I love dh more than words can say. I know that if I’m lucky enough to reach an old age, I will have to look after DH but we promised in sickness and in health and he’s upheld his end of that as I’ve been unwell for the past year (nothing serious or long lasting but has wiped me out, only starting to recover). I’m very happy and no one could make me happier. Sometimes in life you just have to go for it. We make it work and we have 3dc and are married.

I have two friends with an age gap. One is a 15 year gap( husband now mid 80s and it's the H who is my friend) and the other where there is a 25 year age gap (wife is my friend.) They went into this with their eyes open.

I also know that my friend died at 67 and her H is now alone- he's 5 years older.
I also have two deceased friends (women) who died in their 50s and early 60s from cancer.

It's not a given that women will become carers. Many people do not get to a stage of needing care, they die quite quickly over a few months.

This man is essentially your “weekend shag” so why are you even contemplating being his carer?

He has adult children. They are the default carers.